Skip to main content

Original Satire: "Unsailing Columbus - A Final Solution"

Original short literary fiction, including satire, remains one of the writing genres in my literary toolkit. I do enjoy creating characters!

The warped world of Ward Churchill

The warped world of Ward Churchill

Ward Churchill's Descent into Oblivion

Disgraced former academic, Ward Churchill, was fired from his position at the University of Colorado (CU) at Boulder in 2007. He had committed plagiarism and also fabricated and falsified support for his thesis that the U.S. government had participated in the genocide of American Indians (aka Native Americans).

Churchill had been noted for many absurd complaints that led to his demise in academia after he notoriously called the victims of the World Trade Center attacks on September 11, 2001, "little Eichmanns," who deserved to die.

Churchill Cartoon - American Indian Movement

Churchill Cartoon - American Indian Movement

Ward Churchill has been masquerading as an Indian for years behind his dark glasses and beaded headband. He waves around an honorary membership card that at one time was issued to anyone by the Keetoowah Tribe of Oklahoma. Former President Bill Clinton and many others received these cards, but these cards do not qualify the holder a member of any tribe."


Text of Original Satire: "Unsailing Columbus - A Final Solution"

The following piece is a satiric take on Churchill's mode of thinking. It mocks the bafoonery of his writing style as well as his heinous claims and disingenuous masquerading as an American Indian. Like Elizabeth Warren, Churchill falsely claimed that he had Cherokee heritage; the Massachusetts senator’s DNA test showed that she had a percentage of American Indian heritage (1/64 - 1/1,024th) less than the average European American.

Unsailing Columbus: A Final Solution

for Rodney, "My Son, My Dissident"
—honoring those great minds: Howard Zinn, Noam Chomsky, and Ward Churchill

An fawning toady of the great Chief Ward "Small Pox Scholar" Churchill is pontificating:

How! Welcome Ancestors! Let’s boogie-woogie . . .

Of course, Columbus cannot literally be unsailed, but steps can be taken to correct the blight that Italian, and possible Jew, has visited upon the world at large. The first step is to bring all United States military out of global territories back to the North American continent, starting with the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, but continuing to every global land which is now being occupied by those troops.

After all said military is redeployed back to the continental United States, the next step is to begin eradicating said country known as United States of America. To accomplish the purpose the following shall be immediately implemented:

  • Each African shall receive one billion dollars for every man, woman, and child, and first class tickets back to Africa.
  • Every Asian man, woman, and child will receive one million dollars and a first class tickets back to Asia.
  • All Australians will receive one way tickets back to Australia.
  • Every woman will receive five billion dollars and a first class ticket anywhere she wants to go. This, of course, excludes European women—see below.
  • Jews will be dealt with in accordance with Hitler's final solution—no point in shipping Jews back to a place that will soon be wiped off the map—Allah willing.

Europeans will forfeit all moneys, bank accounts will be frozen, and every European man, woman, and child will leave the North American continent with only the shirts on their backs; compassionately, each European man, woman, and child will receive one peanut butter sandwich for their trip—no jelly.

Those nationalities not mentioned above will receive one hundred thousand dollars and one way tickets back to their lands of origin; for example, South Americans, Cubans, South Pacific Islanders, Arctic Circlians, and Antarcticans, but only those who can prove no European DNA. Mexicans in the Southwest may remain, because that land used to be Mexico; however, any Mexican with any European blood will leave with their shirts and peanut butter sandwiches—no jelly, like the other Europeans, see above.

Those who remain will be only the original inhabitants of this continental United States, and they will have full sovereignty over the land to do with as they please, and they will decide what to call themselves. This essay will not defame them by calling them anything they have historically been called, because they and only they can know what to call themselves.

For those curious about what such a land might look like, here's a description, carefully composed and delightfully rendered by super-scholar and landscape artist extraordinaire, Ward Churchill—greetings to all of his relatives:

There's no U.S. in America anymore. What's on the map instead? Well let's just start with territoralities (sic) often delineated in treaties of fact—territoralities of 500 indigenous nations imbued with an inalienable right to self-determination, definable territoralities which are jurisdictionally separate. Then you've got things like the internal diasporic population of African Americans in internal colonies that have been established by the imposition of labor patterns upon them. You've got Appalachian whites. Since the U.S. unilaterally violated its treaty obligations, it forfeits its rights—or presumption of rights—under international law. Basically, you've got a dismantlement and devolution of the U.S. territorial and jurisdictional corpus into something that would be more akin to diasporic self-governing entities and a multiplicity of geographical locations. A-ha, chew on that one for awhile. (Ward Churchill, "Dismantling the Politics of Comfort," Satya interview)

Indeed, chew on that. Is not that a pleasant sight for the continent and for the world at large? The most violent, hate-filled, controlling entity has now been eradicated. The phony democracy is gone—long live true democracy!

The world leaders of other sovereign nations can rest easy, not worry about building nukes to keep the Great Satan at bay. Dictators may kill at will and as many of their people as they like. They may torture with impunity. No one will be watching. The great purveyor of morality is gone, you are free to do your own thing. Want to invade your neighbor, go ahead.

France won't bother you. Want to nuke a little country just for fun? Whose going to stop you? Germany? Of course not, go ahead. No one is looking. Want to enslave the rest of sub-Saharan Africa. That's fine. Remember the real enslavers are gone; they cannot occupy you any more. Really hankering after that caliphate. No problem. The Great Satan of infidels are history; they are off the planet. Behead to your heart's content.

Peace and prosperity will reign upon the earth. Heil Hitler! Viva Castro! And big rowdy bow to Howard Zinn, Noam Chomsky, and Big Chief Ward "Plagiarism Puglilismo" Churchill!

Alan Dershowitz on Free Speech Fraud Ward Churchill

This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.

© 2018 Linda Sue Grimes

Related Articles