Mighty Mom is a keen observer of life. She shares her personal experiences and opinions in helpful and often amusing ways.
I've been watching beauty pageants since I was a little girl. But I never aspired to be Miss America, Miss Universe, or even Miss Corner of My Own Universe.
For me, watching these annual celebrations of the feminine ideal (and I use the term loosely), is like watching a train wreck. Only the trains have big hair and fake boobs.
To give them their due, beauty contestants have many fine attributes. Attributes that I didn't possess even at 20. That's okay, though. As I said, being a "miss" anything has never appealed to me. That's a good thing, or I'd feel like a complete failure. I'd be crushed.
Speaking of crushed,let me get to the purpose of this article:
To prevent otherwise qualified beauty contestants from crashing and burning on the final question. You know the one. The question that trips your favorite finalist up worse than a loose hem caught in a 5" stiletto.
I've seen it time and time again. In fact, it seems to have become an annual occurrence. The front-running contender (smokin' hot, 99 on the bathing suit scale, tasteful yet revealing gown, and a genuine talent (ballet, opera violiln, or piano all seem to be judged superior to baton twirling or tap dancing).
As long as she doesn't open her mouth (except to sing her little aria) she's on the fast track to the crown.
Then comes the perfect storm of
a) drawing the wrong judge, who
b) asks a loaded, seemingly impossible-to-answer-correctly question
Just like that, "POP" go her chances. Millions of viewers cringe in unison as Miss _______ self-destructs right in front of their eyes.
Here's the Deal, Girlies
Listen up, you wanna be beauty queens, cuz I'm only gonna say this once:
NOBODY wants your OPINION on ANYTHING.
Let me put this another way:
Nobody (including the judges and the audience) wants YOUR opinion on anything!
Their questions are a test of your ability to think on your feet!
So what do you do instead?
You show them your NON-ABILITY to NOT THINK on your feet.
It's such a simple concept. If you watch these pageants (which I presume you do if you're planning to win one) you know that the questions come in only so many varieties. Like all those other pageant "secrets" like spray-on tans and taping your bikini bottoms to your butt cheeks, I would expect "cheat sheets" to be part of the preparation.
Alas, it appears no one has passed along the secret to not putting your high-heeled foot in your oversized mouth.
Or maybe they did, but you (the contestant) were too ditzy to take their advice.
Possibly the best response in the history of pageants!
MM's Top 5 Beauty Contest Answers
Yes, I know I could make a lot of money selling this information. But then I'd run into ethical problems. I couldn't in good conscience sell my answers to some contestants but not others. So I've decided instead to post them here, where they are accessible to all. If I'm able to save even one beauty queen from embarrassment, it will have been worth it!
So here they are, for your edification (that means learning). Mighty Mom's all-purpose, never-fail answers to the most common questions asked by pageant judges!
Answer #1: Political Hot Potato
If you are asked about a controversial topic, do NOT inject (inject means impose -- oops, I mean "say") what you personally believe. If you do, you are guaranteed to piss off 50% of the judges and 50% of the viewing audience. Plus, there's a really good chance (like 100%) the judge who asked the question chose it because s/he has a very strong bias. It's a TRAP!
For example, in 2009 Perez Hilton asked Miss California about legalizing gay marriage. This year Oscar Nunez zapped Miss Oklahoma with a question about Arizona's tough immigration law.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand where Mssrs. Hilton and Nunez "might" be coming from.
The key for contestants is: Stay NEUTRAL. Stay positive. Smile pretty and say something completely innocuous (that means innocent or devoid (empty, or lacking) of any hint of meaning or slant).
Here's a good sound bite that should fit most politically charged questions:
"I'm so proud to be an American. America is a country where everyone is created equal.From the very beginning America was founded by people seeking to live how they wanted to live -- in freedom. Every American deserves the opportunity to live happy and free. That's why I'm so glad we're ALL Americans, so that we can all be equal."
Why this answer is effective:
1. It shows that you are patriotic. It's good to be patriotic when you are going after a title like Miss AMERICA or Miss USA.
2. It shows your understanding of the Constitution. Even if you have no understanding of the Constitution, people will think you do.
3. It steers adeptly away from any stereotyping, bigotry, racial profiling or discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. Trust me on this one.
4. It's also inoffensive to any atheist judges, as it does not mention the word "God."
Answer #2: Women
If you are asked a question about women or women's role in society, pay close attention to who is asking the question.
If the judge is a FEMALE, chances are very good that she believes in equality of the sexes.
If the judge is MALE, chances are pretty good that he believes in equality of the sexes, too. After all, it's 2010.
Here's a suggested all-purpose answer:
"I believe women and men are not the same, but they are equal. Everyone deserves the opportunity to be the best they can be. I am grateful for the women who came before me. Without them, there would not be as many doors open to me and other women today. That's what I hope to do as Miss America/USA, set an example for other women and open doors so others can be successful too."
Why this answer is effective:
1. It doesn't slam men.
2. It hints at, but does not actually say "feminists" or "suffragettes" or "women's lib" or any other hot button terms associated with women fighting for the rights they should have had all along, but didn't because of our aggressively paternalistic (that means favorable to men over women) society.
3. It puts the position of Miss America/USA into a context of "helping" other women. Of course this is complete BS, but it sure sounds good!
"Nothing" is not the right answer!
Answer #3: Most Admired Person
One of the most perennially (that means every year) popular questions is "Who do you most admire?"
Whatever you do, don't blurt out the first name that comes to your mind. In fact, don't even say the person you really most admire -- unless that person happens to fit my criteria.
It is best to avoid people in the following categories:
1. Music stars
2. Film stars
3. TV stars
4. Sports stars
5. Political figures
UNLESS ...they are involved in some amazingly altruistic (that means selfless, giving, good) cause that helps others. For example, Brad Pitt as an actor is a "no." However, Brad Pitt and his work to rebuild New Orleans is ok.
But you have to be careful about the cause. For example, think twice before naming someone who is a big PETA supporter (PETA is People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) or Greenpeace. Some people, possibly including the judges, consider these fringe groups to be full of nut-job wackos.
You're pretty safe with saints and Mother Teresa, but steer clear of Popes. If you don't understand why, talk to me privately later.
Best choice for Most Admired Person: You simply can't go wrong with someone in your own family. Dad, Mom, Sis, Bro, Grandma, Grandpa, etc. Also good are former teachers, coaches or "everyday people" who have made an impact on you.
Bonus points if the family member/teacher/etc. is nobly battling an illness or other life challenge.
Why this answer is effective:
1. It sounds sincere, even if it isn't.
2. It is as non-controversial as they come. The chances the judge who asks you this question (or any of the other judges) has met the admired person in your life are minuscule (that means really, really, really, really small). You're on live TV, so they can't exactly fact-check to make sure Grandma really is undergoing chemo for breast cancer, now can they? Bingo! They can't help but give your answer full points!
3. It makes you look down-to-earth and like an old-fashioned family gal. Even the staunchest liberals in the audience support families (Fox News reports to the contrary).
Miss California on gay marriage
Answer #4: Famous Person You'd Most Like to Meet
While similar, this is not exactly the same as #3. However, the rules for answering this question are also similar to #3.
Now, the first name that pops into your head may be Johnny Depp. I mean, who WOULDN'T want to meet Johnny Depp? (I'm using him as an example. Feel free to substitute your own well-known heart throb).
But Johnny Depp is not going to score big with the judges. Why? Because he's "only" an actor. He is not associated with any humanitarian causes (that I know of).
A far better choice is someone who will make the judges sit up and say to themselves, "Wow! This girl is deeper than I thought!"
Best bets for a person, living or dead, that you'd like to meet:
3. Nobel Prize winners
4. Famous authors
5. Really successful business people who use their money to do good in the world
6. Anyone famous who has famously overcome adversity. This works especially well if you can link the famous person to someone in your own life. For example, Michael J. Fox because he, like your dear Uncle Joe, is fighting MS...
6. Saints. Everyone loves a martyr for a cause -- but not a rebel without a cause, although James Dean is an acceptable choice, assuming you even know who James Dean is (or was).
People to steer clear of:
1. Religious figures (other than saints). Even Jesus himself is a lightning rod for criticism!
2. Politicians. Founding Fathers (Washington, Jefferson, Adams, etc.) are ok because people pretty much agree they were cool. Lincoln is good, too. But avoid politicians from the 20th Century forward. For every person who thinks JFK was awesome, there's another who still believes Nixon was not a crook.
3. Sports Figures -- unless you are 100% sure they never, ever used steroids.
Why these are effective choices:
1. They are not polarizing (that means tending to divide people into camps).
2. Yep, that's pretty much the only reason.
Compare and Contrast Finalists' Answers
Answer #5: Questions about YOU
I know, your first impulse is probably, "Oh goody! I get to talk about my favorite subject, ME!"
Not so fast there, little missy. It's not quite that simple.
You may be (and probably are) self-centered and shallow. But the goal here is not to sound like you are. The goal here is to project an image that the judges will lap up like whipped cream.
Here are some suggested ways to do this:
Show Humility: Obviously you wouldn't be there if you weren't pretty. But then, so are the other 49 contestants. You didn't make it onto the national stage all by your lonesome. You had help at every step of the way.
Give credit where credit is due.Your parents, manager, your Sunday school teacher, etc.
"I was raised in a family where everyone supported and believed in each other. My parents taught us good family values. They worked hard so I could get a good education and enter beauty pageants. They taught me the value of working hard, too. It's an honor to be here representing the state of (fill in your state) and I just hope I can do everyone back home proud."
Don't be a Bimbo: You may spend your days working out, surfing and reading fashion magazines. But don't tell the judges that! In this year's Miss USA pageant Miss California blew her chances (IMHO) by gushing about her goal of always being in a "happy place" (or similar California-esque drivel -- and I can say that cuz I live here). I remember thinking to myself, "You bozo! All you had to do was switch the emphasis from making yourself happy to making others happy, and you would have nailed it!"
Don't be a Stuck-Up Sexist: I'm dead serious on this one. I've heard contestants talk about how they enjoy wrestling or roping hogs with their "guy friends" but don't really get along with girls. And this is supposed to make us like you more? I don't think so!
In summary, if you're asked a question about yourself, make sure you don't just talk about yourself. Talk about yourself in a way that creates an impression -- even if it's totally false -- that you don't live in a beauty queen bubble.
Got it? Good!!
Now repeat after me:
"I'm proud to be an American. If it weren't for being an American I would not be here, because this is the Miss America/USA pageant. My dream is to become Miss America/USA so that I can be more like the person I most admire, my Dad. Although he never got to be Miss America, he did get to fight for America in the Gulf War. My Dad is my hero for the way he raised us with good family values. Besides my Dad, who I already know, I'd most like to meet Thomas Edison. Thomas Edison gave the world the gift of electric light that we still use today. I have one of his light bulbs over my head right now. You may not be able to see it ,because my hair is teased up pretty high. But I know it's there and it's going to help me give a good answer no matter what the judge asks me, so that I can become the next Miss America/USA and be a proud American!"
The mom on March 23, 2015:
Great advise, but I don't think it's right to disrespect pageant girls like that. We all in different places and levels in our journey and just because you feel so above and superior at this moment, it doesn't give you the rights to put people down. It's like if you see a college student making fun of the first grader. We all here to learn in our own way......
Fay Favored from USA on September 13, 2014:
I stopped watching all these types of pageants years ago, but do follow them on the Internet when there is someone I know participating. Too much drama for me.
Shyron E Shenko from Texas on February 15, 2014:
Mighty Mom, you should have entered all those pageants, you would have won on your answers. This was fantastic, I'm voting for you UFI and sharing too.
Amber on November 03, 2013:
I just have to say that this is one of the best things I have read on the internet in a great while. Your answers to those questions not only made me smile..but I believed in what you were saying! If I were watching said pageant and a girl answered in that manner..I would put my money on her snagging the crown! Thank you for this. Seriously..
Only reason I came across this is because somehow, for some crazy reason I have decided to (last minute..literally..last minute) sign up for a pageant that is less than 30 days away..never having even tried on an evening gown before..and I have been scouring the internet for some help...so a million thanks...I believe this is actually going to be very, very helpful!
Amber Walter....author of The Three Year Lie and Ingrid's Prison...=)
NeverSayAlways on March 05, 2013:
This is all great advice - it's too bad that its intended audience probably won't read it. Not because they're all vapid, barely-literate narcissists (as Mighty Mom suggests), but because it's so incredibly condescending, and dripping with bitter contempt. What's up with that, MM? Did you have a bad experience with participating in a pageant? Do you personally know a pageant winner who was a heinous b****? Or is it just garden-variety jealousy? This article had the potential to offer constructive criticism, and that could have been accomplished with irreverence and humor, without crossing the line to spiteful denigration - which is kind of tasteless, 'IMHO'. Knock that chip off of your shoulder - you can do better.
Salini from India on November 07, 2012:
Very realistic yet a humorous article. I must say that you really do know how to sprinkle humor and yet sound realistic. Nice work.
Gaudencio C. Callanta Jr. on October 05, 2012:
Thanks for the information you have shared. Though I already know some of the tactics since I am a pageant coach, (http://www.pageantanswers.com/) I still discovered some insights specially on dealing with the question about who would you like to meet. Also, thank you for some of the generic answers you have shared .
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on September 15, 2012:
All the best to you, Cora3. I have always loved watching the pageants on TV. When we hear the accomplishments of the contestants, who (for the most part) are not just bright but intelligent, educated and ambitious young women -- as well as beautiful -- we hope and pray for a coherent answer to the judge's question. I believe that there could and should be prep for this segment of the competition much like candidates prep for their debates.
As important as choosing the right gown and being able to walk down stairs in heels, it's essential to ace that final question.
I sincerely hope pageant directors, coaches, and contestants themselves will take this seriously!
New rules of the "talent" competition: Learn how to think on your feet without putting your foot in your mouth.
Gook luck to you, Cora! MM
Cora3 on September 15, 2012:
I am a young lady in pageants and I will be making the transition to the Miss Pageants next year. I've read hundreds of articles. I can say this is the most helpful; it's articulate, to the point, and there is no beating around the bush. We fail to realize this is the type of coaching we need. We need coaches to tell us what we don't want to hear; but it's what we need to hear!
Thanks a lot!
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on August 28, 2012:
Thanks for visiting and commenting. I still enjoy Miss Universe and Miss America once a year. Or portions of them, anyway. The answers remain (and probably always will) my favorite!
jenbeach21 from Orlando, FL on August 28, 2012:
Thanks for the laugh! I have also grown up watching pageants and remember some of the moments you posted.
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on August 20, 2012:
Thank you, HaleyMCruz. Beauty pageants are their own brand of entertainment.
I know it's not easy to think so fast on your feet. Some do a fairly good job. Some totally blow their chances!
Happy Hubbing! MM
HaleyMCruz from California on August 19, 2012:
Just the title of your hub...compelled me to read it! I couldn't help but think of what you'd write, and everything you wrote seemed much better than what I've heard from women actually wanting to be a beauty queen! I've never seen a pageant on TV before just because I know something embarrassing is going to happen or they're going to say something stupid on national and/or global television. I liked your topic, and you're take on the matter :)
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on August 17, 2012:
How funny (ironic) that this hub should suddenly get some action. I was just thinking yesterday that I would like to share it with Ann and Mitt Romney, both of whom could apply it in interview situations. TMI is TMI.
Au Fait -- I am intrigued by your name and will come check you out. Thanks for your comment!
Dusty -- You are Mr. Universe in my book. Your bad sense of humor never fails to leave me chuckling. Now I have the visual of you with a bikini taped to your butt. That will get me through the weekend. Thanks!
Glimmer Twin Fan -- Whatever happened to 40 is the new 20? Not buying that? Me, neither. Oh well. Just because we can't compete in beauty pageants doesn't mean we can't have opinions (helpful, hopefully) about those who do. Thanks for the comment. Best, MM
Claudia Mitchell on August 17, 2012:
Great tips, unfortunately I'm in my late forties so I'm passed my beauty pageant prime. However there are still lots and lots of girls who should have this hub in their hands when they were competing. Very funny.
50 Caliber from Arizona on August 17, 2012:
Mom, voted up and awesomely useful and interesting, I will remember this when I shave and wear a bikini taped to my butt, while running for Miss Sand-trap here in Arizona, voted I am a beauty queen but not gay and my sheep don't run scared around here either LOL
I can't believe I actually found this interesting and read the whole thing and watched the videos that were not broken, all of the above was just my bad sense of humor except for my voting it up. Good job, I have seen the out takes years back on shows like Johnny Carson, seems the contestants have not gotten any smarter in many years,
Peace and Blessings,
C E Clark from North Texas on August 17, 2012:
Absolutely love this hub! So well written, and while I'm not a pageant fan, I do think the answers you suggest would work very well in job interviews because some of the questions there aren't so different.
Voted you up and across the works. Will share.
Gaudy Mixtures on April 10, 2012:
Nice and interesting blog...I like any post about pageants...This is the industry I would like to be in....
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on January 17, 2012:
LOL travelgurrl. I would only do it if I could start out with the Toddlers & Tiaras crowd and train 'em up right.
By high school I think it would be an impossible task.
No prejudice on my part, eh?
travelgurrl from San Francisco, CA on January 17, 2012:
Thoroughly enjoyed this hub! Your advice is undeniably right on target. Stay neutral, keep smiling and don't really say anything. Brilliant! Are you sure you don't want to go into independent pageant contestant consulting?
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on December 02, 2011:
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Since you indicate you are a state TEEN titleholder I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you are young and inexperienced in life -- notwithstanding winning your state title.
If you read carefully, you will note that my surprise is not that pageant contestants are smart or that they're pursuing scholarships. That's the baseline for my observations. My point is, for supposedly smart, education-track women, too many finalist say some incredibly unintelligible things. I liken it to politicians. You're competing in a race to hold the highest office of the united states. To get up on a stage and sound like a bimbo does not help your cause. It simply makes you less credible.
As to your certainty that your comment would put me in a "self-righteous hurricane," that assumes a command of the language that is, frankly, not evidenced by your argument. It also believes a severely overdeveloped sense of self. Which, of course, you are fully entitled to, since you are a state teen pageant winner and I, obviously, am not.
But then you get specific. You hold up your volunteer work 3 hours a week (before 8AM!!) with undereducated children as more worthwhile than anything I could possibly be doing today.
Yet, you know nothing of me or my work or my life.
Again, why would you make such an ignorant yet arrogant statement?
Big "rolleyes" here for someone who came to my hub intending to "show me" how wrong my viewpoint on pageants is. Yet the comment itself supports my assertion more than it refutes it. And you don't even see that, do you?
I assume you own a dictionary. I suggest you look up the words "satire" and "parody."
I wish you a wonderful (if deluded) day out there spreading your "ditzy" out there in our communities. MM
K.Rae on December 02, 2011:
I'm actually a state teen title-holder, and I can tell you that a lot of what you said can be good advice. For instance, being diplomatic, conjugating your sentences in an intelligent manner, and even some of the suggestions of answers. However, I think you're obsessing a little bit too much about the stereotype of "pageant girls". Pageant girls have an unfortunate stereotype, but you may be disillusioned if you think parents who post demeaning blogs about people they've never met don't have stereotypes too. Jealousy and underhanded statements spread ignorance, not clarity. So my hat is off to you if that is what you were trying to accomplish. Every cultural group has stereotypical characteristics that make it easy to turn up your nose to them. But having the ability to identify stereotypical behavior is not understanding the culture, or the reasoning behind a lady's choice to do pageants. Most young ladies participate in order to obtain scholarships for higher education, opportunities for community involvement, and networking with anti-bullying and other worthwhile campaigns. You may hate the gorgeous face that a Miss USA holds high (because she deserves to), but I think you'd hate her beautiful heart and fully-developed brain a little bit more. I challenge you to have a few conversations with title-holders. We love what we do, not to be told we're "pretty", we agree that sometimes pageants are unfair, but we subjectify ourselves to judgement and public scrutiny (which you've so eloquently displayed) because we want to get something out of the experience. I have met the most amazing and intelligent women through pageantry, and I wouldn't trade my experience for the world, even if I never won a crown or sash. I genuinely think if you spoke with an actual title-holder instead of ripping apart an innocent girl's character and intelligence, that you would be very impressed by her. While you're reading this response, you're probably a little ticked off at my rebuttal. While you're flustered in a self-righteous hurricane, I'll be on my way to go encourage high school students to pursue college and other educational opportunities. I do this every single week for 3 hours, before 8AM. So I would like you think to yourself when reading this response, "Which one of us is doing something worthwhile today? Who is inspiring undereducated children?" You may think I'm "stupid" or "ditzy" because I've participated in pageants, but "ditzy" apparently makes more of a difference in our communities than "smart" does. I truly hope you have a nice day today, and also that you gained a little bit of perspective. With that said, thank you for sharing your opinion. :)
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on September 08, 2011:
Ha ha. Yes, I'm ugly, fat, old and jealous of these flawless young beauties!
LeslieAdrienne -- You nailed it! Perfect 10 answer!
Leslie A. Shields from Georgia on September 07, 2011:
Loved every word... The best answer to any question is "World Peace"...
kehsyhj jsyyukja on September 07, 2011:
you wrote this article because you're ugly. that's it hahaha
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on September 04, 2011:
Ha ha, Kathleen! I've devoted a lifetime to my worship.
I must admit, the popularity of the show "Toddlers & Tiaras" has been, for me, like the invention of the Internet for general research:-).
But seriously, I appreciate the compliment.
Kathleen Cochran from Atlanta, Georgia on September 04, 2011:
Wow! I always check out hubbers who start following me. Jeeze - I should be following you (and I will.) Great research to support an interesting and well-written point of view. This Hub should be required reading for all pageant contestents. Great to meet you Mighty Mom!
The Jet from The Bay on April 25, 2011:
Miss South Carolina was awesome... haha. Thanks, MM. This was cool. Voted up.
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on February 25, 2011:
The whole question part of these pageants is ridiculous, I agree. The talent is to say absolutely nothing but not sounding like a bimbo. World peace is always a good answer! Thanks for visiting. MM
Pollyannalana from US on February 25, 2011:
I think Miss California giving her true feelings on gay marriage and went out on a limb for her belief. She would have had my vote. I get so sick of people saying what they think people want to hear. Politically correct is getting very boring. Personally... I just want world peace....everyone can laugh now.
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on December 03, 2010:
Hello rajivnandy! What a gr8 smile you have! You really should enter a beauty pageant! Thanks for visiting and I'm glad you enjoyed my silly hub. Oops, I mean, I'm so proud to be a hubber so that I can share the hub love:-)! MM
rajivnandy from India !! on December 03, 2010:
when i first read this hub... i was like ...OH SNAP !! this is awesome ..gr8 hub btw
gene on December 01, 2010:
ilovehoroscopes from UK on August 06, 2010:
I enjoyed reading this hub. I had to repeat Ms. South Carolina's Q&A video when I'm depressed. If you want to see more bloopers try searching the beauty contests in Asia.
FrumpyGrumpus from Oasis in the desert. on July 27, 2010:
No way man. I would wear my specs and carry a trumpet around just make them worry.
thanks for the compliment.
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on July 26, 2010:
Why thanks, FG.Take off those spectacles and I bet you could be a beauty queen yourself! Tee hee MM
FrumpyGrumpus from Oasis in the desert. on July 26, 2010:
Thanks Mighty! Awesome and hilarious.
Lisa HW from Massachusetts on July 16, 2010:
This was fun. Don't you just think everybody should stop pretending, bring back the high-heels with the swimsuits, get rid of all questions, and let these people win the pageant based on how many judges vote them prettiest? I don't know... It just seems like once you're parading around a stage in a swimsuit the whole "what-are-your-thoughts" thing just seems kind of phony...
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on July 15, 2010:
I hope some one of the HubGreeters officially welcomed you! I appreciate the invite over and will be there shortly! MM
Winsome from Southern California by way of Texas on July 15, 2010:
Hey MM, I watch from time to time hoping to see another pageant winner like these former winners: Oprah Winfrey, Diane Sawyer, Halle Berry and Cloris Leachman. Unfortunately they tend to be like your Miss South Carolina. I heard that Oprah when asked what she would do with the money if she won said: "I'd be a spending fool!" Looks like she spent it on the right stuff. Very funny stuff MM--since I missed being greeted by you when I joined up, please stop by our HP gathering at my "How to Succeed..." neighborhub and get acquainted. =:)
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on July 14, 2010:
Well, thanks for appreciating my wit. You're so right. We would never enter a beauty pageant (not that they would have us! LOL).
Deborah Demander from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on July 14, 2010:
Great hub. You are mistaken, however, if you believe any of those ding bats can read. The rest of us, who appreciate you wit and would take your advice, would never enter a beauty pageant. It's a catch-22.
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on July 13, 2010:
Hi Tom! I'd say you've got a natural talent there.
I imagine somewhere, somehow there IS a beauty contest for 90 ft. lizards. But if you have trouble finding that, I'd say you have a future as a lawyer or law drafter. Anyone who can us the words "thereby" and "herein" in the same sentence is well on their way:-). Thanks for visiting. MM
tom hellert from home on July 13, 2010:
I would just like to say that I believe the question presented herein by your hub help to feed the children, and are for America and the people who thereby enter these pagents and answer these questions for the judges and audience persons of any race and or color in the USA .. how did that sound... but i'll never get into a pagent with this picture/profile 90 ft lizards can't enter...
good hub TH
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on July 06, 2010:
Hi Skin Care Beauty -- Great idea! There's that particular brand of sassy walk (especially when they are wearing their bikinis) that makes me crings. The bobbing head is classic, too! Perhaps YOU should tackle these and link your hub to mine:-)!
KoffeeKlatch Gals -- Well, I hope I have provided some fodder for your next get-together:-)! Thanks for visiting. MM
Susan Hazelton from Northern New York on July 05, 2010:
Great answers. You made me laugh with you witty way of writing. I look forward to read more of your hubs.
Skin Care Beauty on July 03, 2010:
I would like to know where they came up with the moves they use in kid beauty pageants. The bobbing head etc. Maybe another hub idea :)
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 30, 2010:
Some people just don't have no taste, and you appear to be one! Other entertainment options I bet you skip include reality shows like The Bachelor.... am I right?
Thanks for visiting. MM
samboiam from Texas on June 30, 2010:
I personally do not watch any pageants and after reading this hub I remember why. Great job. Keep on writing.
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 30, 2010:
Hi James! Well, I would say I missed my calling. But as noted in the opening paragraphs, I never did have the "external packaging" to be a beauty queen myself.
But I sure wish I could sell my answers. Maybe Craigslist:-)! Good to see you! MM
James A Watkins from Chicago on June 30, 2010:
You crack me up! This is quite witty indeed. You've got all the right answers. Well done! Great Hub. I enjoyed it.
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 18, 2010:
They are alien and weird no matter what kind of mother you're raised by:-)! Thanks for the comment, Gilbert.
Gilbert Smith from New Mexico on June 18, 2010:
Haha, good stuff! Having been raised by a self reliant single mother, the women in these pageants always felt kind of alien and weird to me.
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 14, 2010:
Hmmm. What is the point of watching it? Just as there are those who read Playboy for the "excellent articles" there are those who only indulge in pageant watching for the intellectual stimulation.
Believe it or not, some girls DO want to be Barbie when they grow up:-). Thanks for visiting, Sparhawke.
Sparhawke from Manchester on June 14, 2010:
Love the first video, didn't know watching these could be so funny lol (But I am from England anyway so don't get to see them)
It is sad though that these women are being judged not on how intelligent they are but on how much they can squeeze into the role of Stepford wife...what do you think?
If every answer is generic and boring then what is the point of watching it? lol
sana on June 14, 2010:
great hub mighty mom keep it up
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 13, 2010:
Hi Friend Shalini! What a welcome surprise to see you here. I appreciate the comment. If you have any ins with the pageant directors, please let me know. I'll take any amount of money for my answers:-)!MM
Shalini Kagal from India on June 12, 2010:
Hi MM - how did I miss this? It's so wonderful reading your particular brand of humour again :) I enjoyed that Sandra Bullock movie Miss Congeniality (...and the importance of 'world peace':D )and this took it to another level. Your hub should be a printed a guide for all beauty pageant contenders!
mwatkins from Portland, Oregon & Vancouver BC on June 11, 2010:
Laughing Out Loud! The videos are PRICELESS! Looks, talent, Looks, . . . . more looks,. . . After spending a lifetime watching pageants with my Grandma, and not watching since she passed away, I have to wonder . . . what happened to the gene pool? I hate to laugh at this, because for me, it is a sad example of where we are. I can't even fathom that anyone wouldn't know where the United States was on a map! My parents would have been as accepting and tolerant of that as they would have been of my (as a teenager) not knowing how to bathe myself in a tub and wash my own hair. I guess things have really changed in just a few short years.
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 11, 2010:
Hi Shadesbreath! So good to see you still around -- or I guess I'm the one who's been MIA, while you have returned to the HP fold.
I don't think we are in any danger of the pageant industry closing up shop or suddenly changing the criteria to include an IQ test.
Hi Chaotic Chica -- The local hometown pageants are NOTHING like the national level.Usually the winners are excellent students and get scholarships. Nothing wrong with that!
Thanks for visiting. MM
Chaotic Chica on June 11, 2010:
OH MY GOODNESS!!! Really?! What was Miss Teen South Carolina thinking?! I love your 'suggestions' and I am so glad my girls only do the one local natural pageant...I don't think I could deal with the lack of intelligent common sense you see so often on those big stages! Thank you for the laugh!
Shadesbreath from California on June 11, 2010:
Well, to be honest, the train wrecks are the best part of these things after the cleavage and long legs. So, while any part of me that might accidentally end up watching a pageant some day hopes no pageant contestants read this, the part of me that enjoys your voice and the sweetly sarcastic fun you have is very happy that I got to read it. :)
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 09, 2010:
heart4the word -- Beauty + Smarts IS a winning combination. Thanks for your comment!
AJHargrove -- I agree with you. But apparently the judges didn't see it that way!
AJHargrove from USA on June 09, 2010:
I don't know who won that pageant, but I think Virginia gave the best answer. (Colorado was close.)
heart4theword from hub on June 08, 2010:
Yes, a person, doesn't have to have, a high IQ, to enter the beauty pagents. Beauty and Smarts...now that is a winner:) Interesting read!
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 08, 2010:
Natural beauty? Does anyone value "natural" beauty anymore? We are a society obsessed with eternal youth. I should probably link this hub to my other one on plastic surgery.
These contestants are all what, 20? They have implants, tooth veneers, spray tans, liposuction -- what part of them is as Nature intended? Oh yes, their "unenhanced"brains!
Granny's House from Older and Hopefully Wiser Time on June 08, 2010:
I liked the one piece too. It is suppose to be natural beauty not implants. lol
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 07, 2010:
Hi Granny's House. I think my "appreciation" for the pageants has changed over the years. They have also "devolved." Like everything else, they have become so overproduced with the singing and dancing and all the watch-the-contestants as they tour Las Vegas coverage.
They crossed the borderline from semi-campy to semi-porno.
I used to like the one-piece bathing suits. Call me modest:-).
Thanks for visiting and your comment! MM
Granny's House from Older and Hopefully Wiser Time on June 07, 2010:
When I was a young girl I liked to watch the pagents but I don't anymore. They seem so fake anymore. Good hub though. Great tips
Micky Dee on June 07, 2010:
Vacuous folks! I don't watch these crazy people! This is funny! Thank you Ma'am!
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 06, 2010:
Ho ho, Shinkicker! I love your name. Sometimes I just want to kick those dumb-ass contestants right in the shins, too!
Thanks for visiting. MM
Shinkicker from Scotland on June 06, 2010:
Great Hub Mighty Mom
I enjoyed your humour and the videos finished me off. Hilarious!
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 06, 2010:
It should be no surprise to see so many of the hottest hubbers here -- you are always on the lookout for new ways to be even better than you are! Epigramman and Mike Lickteig, I'm honored to have you commenting.
CR, Pam,Pamela99 and OMG SPRYTE! logging on and reading your comments makes my heart skip a beat!I have felt somewhat adrift here on HP, but knowing the "old gang" is back in action (Frieda, Rochelle, too) makes me feel right at home again! Does this mean we'll be back to our old communal showering and hubjacking ere long?
Pam -- LOVE the idea for a Moms contest. Very Erma Bombeck-eque. There is a play here called Mrs. California that tackles that very subject. It's pretty funny.
Anyway, I'm tickled pink -- not to mention PROUD TO BE A HUBBER -- to see everyone again! Yippee (I can say that, but CR, you'll want a more dignified word for the Liverwurst competition. You'll no doubt be up against some serious HEAD CHEESE! LOL!!!)
Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on June 06, 2010:
Might Mom, This was a great hub with some great suggestions for those that want to be winners. I used to watch all of them but I just got tired of them a couple of years ago. I did enjoy your hub and all the videos.
Pam Roberson from Virginia on June 06, 2010:
MM, this is too good and too true. This could be marketed to every pagent coach around the world! What are you waiting for? I love it! :) Your closing paragraph is priceless. :D
Before I go, I think there should be a Ms. Mom America, only the strategy for helping out with the closing question would be different, because the answers would be botched in a different way...
"Whatta ya mean there's 25 percent of kids in this country who don't know where the U.S. is on a friggin' map? If my kids didn't know where our country was on a friggin' map I'd blister one on their butt with a gah dang belt so fast they'd be screamin' into tomorrow!"
The talent would probably be different too...I'd probably demonstrate how to cook while holding a two year old on my hip while a 4 year old is wrapped around my right leg screaming about how the dog just pooped on the floor--which I just unknowingly dragged him through while trying to answer the phone which had been ringing nonstop since I first started trying to cook dinner. That's talent. ;)
Mike Lickteig from Lawrence KS USA on June 06, 2010:
Miss South Carolina really knows about maps and how they benefit Africa and Iraq. That still has me chuckling.
Nice hub and very, very amusing.
spryte from Arizona, USA on June 06, 2010:
LOL MM! I loved every word of this piece...bravo! :) If you ever need company, let me know...we can get our "Meow!" on together some time!
Christoph Reilly from St. Louis on June 05, 2010:
Ha, ha! I'm so glad you wrote this informative and important hub. I for one always get tripped up on the question and can now incorporate your answers in my next pageant next weekend. I'm going for Miss Liverwurst. I have to start with the small one's and work my way up. And you taught me with great humor. I love learning when I don't have to do anything to learn it.
I'll be sure to thank you when I get the crown!
epigramman on June 05, 2010:
never fail answers for me: go right straight to your hubs and be enlightened by your mighty righteous just flat out brilliant writing!!!! (and nice research too)
No wonder you're a member of the elite!!!!
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 05, 2010:
Hi there Rochelle! I like your "new"(to me, at least) phot. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Inspires me to want to start a Miss Hub Pages pageant... NOT!!
Hi msannec. Thanks for your comment. You look like a beauty queen -- in a good way. I love your pearls! MM
msannec from Mississippi (The Delta) on June 05, 2010:
Great hub, MM! I don't watch the pageants as often as I used to, but I try to catch them from time to time. Love the info!
Rochelle Frank from California Gold Country on June 05, 2010:
Beautifully done. You deserve a sash and a crown (that matches your supergirl outfit) for this one.
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 05, 2010:
Mentalist acer: You are an enlighted soul and I think I love you! You totally get it. Thank you!
Lynda -- Now, now, we all know you have your own "guilty pleasure" -- the B-L Fiction Contest (the literary equivalent of beauty pageants, perhaps)! Can't say you've missed much or that your life is less rich for having not indulged in watching these pageants. But very glad you enjoyed my hub!
Frieda!!! How the HECK are you? I feel like I've fallen off the face of the writing earth these last few months.
LOVE your letter. If I had to pick a favorite line it would be: "... no matter who you are, I'll wear the pageant crown with pride." Brilliant, my friend!
As for a hub for pageant winners, that will require some thought. Do they really need my help? They seem to be doing all the things I would suggest all by themselves:-)!
Thanks for romping with me. MM
Frieda Babbley from Saint Louis, MO on June 05, 2010:
Mighty Mom, you totally rock. Great topic. Inspired a letter. Think I might try the Mrs. USA pageant.
Dear Mighty Mom,
This hub has been a wonderful inspiration to me. The guidance and advice you have provided all of us makes me confident that I have the skills to become a beauty pageant queen, because America is a beautiful place and I want to inspire all the children of America and the rest of the world to not be afraid of maps and marriage and love and walking in heels and shiny things. My family has also been a big influence and support and I just want to also let people know that no matter who you are, I'll wear the pageant crown with pride. The United States of America is an island I am proud to represent.
Oh, and I'm thinking you ought to take Immartin's advice and write a hub about advice for them AFTER they win the pageant.
lmmartin from Alberta and Florida on June 05, 2010:
Can't believe you did watch these things -- I never have: which makes me (pick one) a) a feminist b) from another planet c) too poor to own a TV d) an elitist snob But I have seen the winners out there in the world after they were caught making a sex tape at seventeen, or said something so ridiculously stupid they had to be burned, or were found not to be saints and had used alcohol or drugs so I can honestly say you've offered them great advice. Now I think you should write advice for them AFTER they win the contest. Fun hub (that means I enjoyed it.) Lynda
Mentalist acer from A Voice in your Mind! on June 05, 2010:
Interpretation of beauty simply defined by these pagents rules out the true value of what makes the female unique...A potent Hub Mighty Mom.
Susan Reid (author) from Where Left is Right, CA on June 05, 2010:
Hey wandererh! Good to see you! I noticed on YouTube there are videos that superimpose Miss Teen USA's blooper with George Bush bloopers. I'd say that puts her in the league of first-class word and thought manglers! MM
David Lim from Singapore on June 05, 2010:
Totally agree with you that Miss Teen USA South Carolina's response was probably the best ever. What she said was complete and utter nonsense, but she actually managed to say it like she knew what she was talking about. That's a beauty queen for you. :)