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My Insanely Fun Life as a Singing Telegram Messenger

Artist, actor, poet, teacher, songwriter & actor with 4,000 poems & almost 1,000 songs written, performed recorded & published on line.

what I was always dressed for

what I was always dressed for

I was a puppet to the masses

I was a puppet to the masses

Laughter was always my goal

Laughter was always my goal

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one of my many appearances as Ebeneezer Scrooge

one of my many appearances as Ebeneezer Scrooge

my-insanely-fun-life-as-a-singing-telegram-messenger
My constant companion and sidekick

My constant companion and sidekick

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two very old flyers of my act as cupid for St. valentines day and my act as scrooge

two very old flyers of my act as cupid for St. valentines day and my act as scrooge

This is part one of a three or four part series of just some of my comedic days

My Life as a Singing Telegram Messenger.

Most of you may remember companies that delivered zany but fun singing telegrams. Many of you probably had an encounter as an elated or embarrassed recipient of singing telegrams for one of your many of life’s occasions. Some of you may not have a clue about any of the above. Which begs the question, which person was luckier? Those who got a visit of song as well as a dance and of course comedy or those who never got one at all. Needless to say it made you the immediate center of attention at restaurants, parties, offices and so many other public locations including the privacy of your own home. A loud siren whistle would interrupt whatever was going on at each location as a performer headed straight to your chair where you would receive about five minutes or so of fame. Back in the 1980’s I was one of those traveling jesters bringing mayhem mixed with a lot of fun to your world. I dressed in a bright, red tuxedo with a pink, ruffled shirt as well as a bowtie made out of printed, fake money. I had a sidekick mechanical monkey also in a red tux who clapped and chattered at the crowds. I also wore tight, spandex pants and patent leather shoes and I was always in a black top hat. The same top hat that I would purposely line the headband with five dollar bills so that most people tipped me at least five dollars or more for my trouble. It was a sort of keep up with the Jones approach. and it worked, tips were always generous and gratefully given to me. Sometimes I would be given a tip of a bottle of champagne or various other liquors and one time I was handed a zip locked bag with an ounce of premium pot. But any methods of winding down after 7 to 11 ten minute shows a day was always welcomed. Hey it was the 80’s there were worse things to abuse than alcohol or pot. Cocaine was all the rage, as well as Quaaludes and various other toxic pleasures. I stuck to the milder stuff so that I could perform without staggering around and missing my lines. I was the ultimate party crasher and I showed up quite often with some hilarious or sexy acts to accompany me. There were beautiful, belly dancers so incredibly skilled that they could roll silver dollars up and down their tight stomachs. They would envelope the male guests of honor in their silk scarf’s that were perfumed with a heady concoction of sensatory bliss. This was always after I roasted the recipient with risqué jokes and pokes of fun about his age, baldness and all the other flaws that life grants us. All done in a classy and laughter inducing way so that the recipient would know I was only joking. Lines such as “Your wife had a marvelous sleep l ast night, she dreamed that Burt Reynolds and you were fighting over her and Burt won.” I would tell men with receding hair that “They didn’t just have a forehead, they had a forever head.” I would apologize to them, telling them, “I am sorry for putting a wrinkle in your day but I can see you’ve grown accustomed to them.” I would explain to them on why fate had chosen them to be my victim that night. “You are probably wondering why your family and friends picked you to be my target.” “Well you see it’s quite simple, Life is a shit sandwich and you never get any bread.” Then I’d pull out and offer them a sandwich that was spread with a thick layer of ice cream fudge in a zip locked bag and they would of course always turn it down. I had a whole bag of tricks, magic ones and other items to assail them with. Their eyes always got as big as Marty Feldman when ever I reached deep into that bag. I had a rag doll that checked their virility. I would lay it on the table in front of them and then pull out a paper match from a match book. I would tell them that, This doll represented their dream of an ideal woman and the match would represent their wing-wang. I would then demonstrate my own sexuality by placing the match in my hand and drawing it across the dolls chest. Each time I did this the paper match stood straight up in my palm and wobbled back and forth. Then I would have them draw their flat hand holding the tiny match across the dolls chest as well. There was a large magnet inside the doll’s chest and I had inserted and super glued a tiny needle into the base of that paper match. Sometimes I gave them a regular paper match which set the audience to howling when that match just laid there like a wet noodle. I would allow them to try again of course by slipping the rigged match in to replace the regular match. Oh, the smiles that would cross their face when that match stood up and danced. I would pull out several large, clear balloons and a long sharp needle about a foot and a half long. I would blow up the balloons and then insert then needle into one end and pull it through the whole balloon to the other side, and the balloon would not break. Folks were always amazed by this trick. Then I would pop all three balloons with that same sharp needle and tell the guy or gal that all the clear rubber debris on the floor looked like what was all around the car they were in on their prom night. That always got a good laugh. My best trick at that time was to borrow a ten dollar bill from someone in the crowd, which I would make disappear in thin air after I had read the serial number off to a member of the crowd who wrote it down. Then I would pull out another inflated balloon that had a large orange in it. I would pop that balloon and take a small knife and cut it down the middle. The I would pull out a ten dollar bill from deep inside that orange. I would unroll it and proceed to read the serial number which matched perfectly with the number the party guest had written down. This wowed the room. Then I would follow it up by borrowing another ten dollar bill and having someone note its serial number on paper. I would also make it disappear into thin air and then I would pull out a sealed pack of cigarettes which I would make several people look over it carefully to agree that it was tightly sealed. Then I would open the pack and remove a cigarette from it with the magical words, “Walla Nicotinus Refundus.” I would light the cigarette and take a few puffs and then I would stick it into a glass of water nearby, anyone’s glass would do…Ha, ha, and then I would crumble it in my hands right in front of their eyes and they would see a ten dollar bill inside my smoke rolled up tightly. I would open the bill and read it’s serial number off and it always matched the serial number that was written down by a guest. That always got me a double wow and a lot of applause. I would tell the crowd that the U.S. Government had found a cheap way to get rid of old currency simply by putting it into cigarettes which then burned it up as folks smoked them. Then I’d tell the crowd, “You folks have been smoking that crap for years.” I actually had people tearing up their own cigarettes to check them for any cash. There were so many other gags I used which I will cover later. I loved sight gags and one of my favorites was my impression of the Titanic. I would borrow an ice cube from someone drinking and then hit myself in the head with it and fall to the floor. I always presented the recipient with an officially printed paper telegram telling them “You can roll it up and stick it where the moon always rises, or roll it up even tighter around some balls of cotton and turn it into a “Rely” tampon which will not give you toxic shock syndrome.” That product cause a big scare in the eighties and the folks always groaned or laughed. The whole point of my being there was to get reactions from the crowd and I was known as the King of risqué which does not allow me to print much of my routine here in Hubpages.com. I went out to do my shows in an array of costumes that were seasonal or ridiculous and I will get into some of those in my part two of my life as a singing telegram man. I attended many famous people’s parties ass well as back stage with some true greats and I also went to some very bizarre and hilarious parties which I also will cover in my part two of this article. It was probably the most fun and profitable job I have ever done and under the name of Matt the Hatt I became quite well known by thousands of people. How does one ever forget such a hilarious and embarrassing visit from me. Stay tuned for even more fun to come.

© 2022 Matthew Frederick Blowers III

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