Lori loves a good punchline. She loves to spread humor to make people laugh and not take life too seriously.
This is a satirical series. FNN is Feelings New Network whose motto is "Where feelings are the antennas of truth." It relates to our feelings driven culture, to the point of feelings are valued as truth, more than facts are valued as truth. Their hit morning show is gaining a wide audience.
Feelings News Network introduces Morning Snivels with Blake and Wendy, a new morning talk show focused on feelings that inform the facts. It is day one after the 2020 election. Co-hosts Blake and Wendy and friends speak about the results and have a special guest star.
Blake and Wendy put on their best talk show smiles and open the show. The camera focuses on Blake.
Blake: Good morning everyone. Welcome to Morning Snivels with Blake and Wendy. I'm Blake Blubber.
The camera pans to Wendy.
Wendy: And I'm Wendy Weepers.
Together: Wearing the heart of America on our sleeves.
The audience welcomes the co-hosts with applause and whistle.
Wendy: My but that was quite an election wasn't it Blake.
Blake: It certainly was and we are going to dedicate this show to it today. Personally, I am grief-stricken and angry about all the turmoil and accusations. I punched a hole in the wall then fell to my knees screaming. Aaahhh! How about you, Wendy?
Wendy: I had to take a Xanax. One of the side effects is doing things and not remember doing them. The next morning I woke to find myself at the back alley of our local voting precinct lying in a pile of ballots inside a dumpster.
In unison, the audience exclaims, "Ooh."
Blake: Wow! Perhaps a call to the crisis hotline would be a better choice next time.
Wendy: You are right. But right now, Platitudes with Peggy Cliche is ready to come for her uplifting rhetoric
Platitudes with Peggy
Peggy is lowered down on her swing with her book of platitudes in her hands.
Peggy: Good morning, everyone. I'm Peggy Cliche, here to sugarcoat the world with sappy rhetoric as we do an overview of the last four years of the Trump presidency and the recent 2020 election.
Peggy opens her book of Platitudes.
To you who are disgusted with politics, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Don’t be sad because it’s over, be glad that it happened. You know what they say, "Nice guys finish last." Hmm. As he waits for a recount and Supreme court ruling, Trump has been sounding off. "We'll be laughing about this soon," he said. "Think outside the box, the ballot box that is." Mr. Trump took four years to show his taxes. "That's for me to know, and you to find out," he always said when questioned about it. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
As to how the left has been raging for four years at Trump, they now say, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Trump is not going down without fighting. He boasts about his struggle with humility. In a cocky moment of jocularity, he sang at the podium in a Rose Garden press conference:
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
When you're perfect in every way
I can't wait to look in the mirror
I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man
Oh Lord, It's hard to be humble,
I'm doing the best that I can.
Many criticized Joe Biden's age. During a Zoom campaign rally in his basement. Mr. Biden said "Listen, man, you're only as young as you feel. Age is just a number. Besides, only the good die young...I think." When asked about his economic plans he said, "Listen, folks, there are lots of new taxes coming, but money can't buy happiness. As the socialists say, 'The best things in life are free. Don't ask, 'Where's the money?' Just pay your exorbitant taxes and it will all be free. One of our own, Sarah Palin, said, 'You either get free stuff or you get freedom.' No wait, I think I said that wrong. Maybe that was AOP that said it. Anyway, let the good times roll. Vote Biden, 2020."
Trump was asked about Joe Biden's 47 years of success as a career politician. "Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm," he quipped. "Unless you're me of course. But in Joe's case, if at first, you don't succeed, try again...and again, and again. We'll see when the Supreme court sees it my way."
Mr. Biden's new philosophy of unity means we're all in this together. "Might as well make the most of it. Kumbaya. Be kind and rewind."
Peggy closes her book and smiles at the audience. A look of concern replaces the smile.
Most of you look a little green around the gills. We will pass out barf bags momentarily.
Until next time...
Her swing rises out of sight.
Blake: We have a very special guest today. He has been a superstar on children's television for fifty-one years. He is one of an ensemble cast for the well-beloved show, Sesame Street. He is known as Count Dracula, the Count for short. He has some interesting news for us this morning. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the Count of Sesame Street.
The audience stands to their feet, applauding for a full two minutes. Count takes a bow. When the crowd quiets down he begins counting, because he just can't help himself.
Blake: Welcome Count. I must say, we are in awe of your presence here today. Thank you for coming on our show.
Wendy: Oh Count, I watched you throughout my childhood. You were my favorite character.
She dabs at her eyes with a tissue.
The Count: Thank you. One, one talk show host. Two, two talk show hosts. Ah, ah, ah.
Blake, Wendy, the audience, and crew laugh.
Blake. Let's get started. I understand you are very interested in politics. What is your reaction to the election turmoil?
The Count: There was a lot of counting, no counting, late counting. Our president was very upset. Though it was called a Biden win, Mr. Trump has disputed the counts and sent it to the Supreme Court. We only need one, one president, ah, ah, ah.
Blake: Yes, that's the American way. I understand you've been asked to take over the counting of ballots.
The Count: Ah, ah, ah. Yes, they said I was the most precise counter in America. So I have been very busy.
Wendy: What an honor, Count. How is the process going?
The Count: It's going well, ah, ah, ah.
Wendy: Can you tell us about the process?
The Count: Well, I began with Mr. Trump. One, one vote for Trump ah, ah, ah. Two, two votes for Trump, ah, ah, ah. Three, three votes for Trump, ah, ah, ah. Four, four votes for Trump, ah, ah, ah.
Blake and Wendy exchange an awkward look.
Blake: I think we get the picture, Count. Please tell us how many votes you counted for Trump.
The Count: They are still coming in. So far, 71,526,505, ah, ah, ah.
Wendy: And what about Mr. Biden?
The Count: I'm just beginning with Mr. Biden today. One, one vote for Biden, ah, ah, ah. Two, two votes for Biden, ah, ah, ah.
Blake: (chuckling to the audience) This reminds me of ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall.
The audience laughs.
The Count: Ninety-nine, ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ah, ah, ah.
The director signals by crossing his hand across his neck, to stop the segment.
Blake: Count, we want to thank you so much for coming today. We wish you well with your counting. Let's give the Count another round of applause.
The Count walks off the set, counting the floor tiles. Weary, the audience offers a tepid response. The show goes to commercial break. Blake addresses the audience.
Blake: Sorry folks. I realize the Count didn't express any feelings, but he sure elicited an emotional response. You guys okay out there? We have some counselors in the wings if anyone feels the need to process. Raise your hands if you'd like to talk to a therapist, free of charge.
Several people raised their hands. They were sent off to meet with the counselors.
The Warning Report
Blake: Next, we have the 2020 Warning Report with Karen Warning. We must warn you, Karen is one tough cookie, the Donald Trump of Feelings News Network. Karen, what do you have for us today?
Karen: Well folks, I predicted in 2016 that the next four years would be the Armageddon of America. We proudly boast that no foreign nation has started war on our soil. Well hello, McFly, the world is laughing while we are at war within. They can wait around a few more years for us to implode. But hey, President-elect Biden is promising to end the storm. We are to make nice from now on. Right, in a perfect world. My DisgraceBook and Litter accounts were shut down for saying, "Thanks for the memories, President Trump. Good luck to you." How offensive," they said. "We did a fact check and it says Trump wasn't president. It was only a figment of the nation's imagination. In truth, Mr. Trump is the spawn of Darth Vader and Jezebel and lives as a ghost in the Lincoln bedroom." Oh puleease. If that were true, why all the vitriol over Trump? That's okay. I started my own social media platform - KarenBook. I called it KarenBook because whose opinions are more valid than mine? Who is more entitled than moi to have control of a social media platform? And, I am the fact-checker. Whatever I feel is right! I won't censor anyone. But I'm entitled to be right no matter what anyone says.
The audience boos.
Hey if you're not nice I'll reject your application for KarenBook. Now listen, I'm going to be the better person and give Biden his chance. He's a nicer man than Trump. He's too sleepy to be otherwise. I will be the nice guy until it doesn't feel nice. But we are used to not being nice, so it will feel normal. But let's give it the old college try. Oh my, I'm starting to sound like Peggy Cliche. I need to go to my martial arts class so I'll sign off.
I'm Karen Warning, and that's no horse pucky.
Wendy: Thank you, Karen, for that bitter, self-aggrandizing, narcissistic rant. We appreciate all feelings on our show. Everyone, let's give Karen a round of applause.
Karen leaves with her sideways grin.
Blake: Holy Mackrel, what an intense show. Backstage the Count is counting platitudes in Peggy Cliche's book. Let's hope he counts votes faster than he did today or we'll be waiting until February 2028. Have a good day, everyone. I'm Blake Blubber.
Wendy: And I'm Wendy Weepers.
Both: Wearing the heart of America on our sleeves.
Karen: Shouting from behind the camera. America has no heart, Wendy. Read that and weep. Bwahaha.
Thanks for Joining Us Today
I appreciate your viewing episode 2 of the new morning talk show, Morning Snivels with Blake and Wendy. As we covered politics today, you will indeed see a little of my bias. However, whenever I do a satire piece on politics, I take liberties with both or all figures in the text. I hope you enjoyed the show.
© 2020 Lori Colbo
Oscar Jones from Monroeville, Alabama on November 15, 2020:
Did you see Joe Biden is under criminal investigation now in the Ukraine for bribery concerning his son? News says its un-challengable, and he will have to face the charge, probably by mid-summer.
Eric Dierker from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A. on November 10, 2020:
Another wonderful edition. You sure cover the gambit. The idea of the count counting kind of is too close for comfort.
Yes I voted for 99.