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Liverpool Jokes

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Here are a few Liverpool jokes to tickle your fancy. Whether you are a Scouser or not, Liverpool jokes can be appreciated by all. Liverpool is a tremendous city that sits at the mouth of the River Mersey as it joins in the Irish Sea in north west England. Its people are hard-working and basically honest, but like all cities has an element of 'undesirables' who steal and have no basic sense of decency. Somehow over the years, probably due to friendly rivalry from nearby Manchester, Liverpudlians, otherwise knows as scousers, have acquired the reputation of being to the lowest of the low, and the jokes constantly refer to this.

Liverpool is also home to Liverpool FC, a mighty football (soccer) team that have a great following the world over.

Many of the jokes on this page relate to Liverpool FC and of course, its fans. Enjoy :)


A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter you must tell me what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man thinks for a few minutes and then admits to St Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.

St Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.

So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Manchester United at Anfield. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Kop end."

"Yes," responded St Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"

"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago".

What do you call a scouser in a suit?

The accused


This picture has been described as a Liverpool Nativity scene, but in actual fact it was drawn for Glasgow, that other fine city.

Note the first bearer of gifts with a bottle of Buckfast...


There was a Liverpool fan with a really poor seat at Anfield.

Looking through his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the Half-way line.

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Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it,

"Is this seat taken?"

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Liverpool fan."

The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."


Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged.

Why are Liverpool supporters really bad at making Pancakes?

Because they're all useless tossers.

Bloke moves to Liverpool.

Drives into town, gets the train home,

Again drives into town, gets the train home again,

Thinks to himself, 'When in Rome....'

Gets train into town, drives home.


Three men, a Scouser, a Mancurian and a Rastafarian all waiting outside the maternity ward for their partners to give birth.

The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys,however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc.

The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby.

The Rasta looks a bit confused, "Excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?"

"Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"


Internet jokes about Ronaldo after he smashed his car up

1. After smashing his Ferrari up, police questioned Ronaldo about the incident. He blamed it on the wall not being 10 yards back.

2. After smashing his Ferrari Fergie made Ronaldo practice taking corners again at training.

3. Witnesses at the scene of the Ronaldo crash say he was only lightly tapped by a car from behind, when all of the sudden the car flipped over and rolled ten times. It then span around on the spot for two minutes, then all the wheels fell off and it caught fire.

4. The strange thing about Ronaldo's car crash is that, even though he only slightly injured his leg in the accident, he rolled out of the car clutching his head.

5. Looks like Ronaldo's using his free-kick technique in his car and sent it straight into the wall

6. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because Ronaldo mounted the pavement.


Why did Gerard Houllier go to Argos?

It's the only place he could pick up Premier Points.

Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So they ain't mistaken fur a Liverpudlian woman.

What is the difference between Liverpool and a teabag?

A teabag stays in the cup longer!

What is the ideal weight of a Scouser?

About three pounds, including the urn.

A primary school teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks the pupils to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Every hand shoots up except for one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Man United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man United fan?"

"Because my mum is a Man United fan, and my dad is a Man United fan, so I'm a Man United fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Man United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"

Mary smiled and replied "Well, then I'd be a Liverpool fan."


Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.

Q: What do Pool Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 2,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How can you tell a levelheaded Liverpool supporter?
A: He dribbles from both sides of his mouth - at the same time.

A father and son were eating breakfast. The father's newspaper had the headline "Van Gogh sold for £8 million".

The son asked "Is he worth it, Dad?", to which the father, surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"

The son said "Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Stan Collymore, and he was crap"

Newsflash: Thieves broke into the home of a Liverpool fan and stole two books. "The thing that upsets me", he said "is that I hadn't finished colouring them in yet!"


Q: What's is the difference between Pamela Anderson and the Liverpool goal?
A: Pam's only got two tits in front of her.

Rafael Benitez: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player."
Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?"
Rafael Benitez: "Every time he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!"

Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a Liverpool fan?

A: A battery has a positive side.

A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.

"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??"
"Well it's a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!!


IzzyM (author) from UK on February 18, 2012:

LOL, I just read this hub again, thanks to you commenting ...still grinning! I missed that about the little girl, I would have related her to the joke above too!

Aficionada on February 18, 2012:

A lot of great jokes here! I liked the one about the little girl who was not a fan of Liverpool, especially because this week I read about a little five-year-old girl who got in big trouble at her school because she refused to color in a drawing of the mascot of an opposing football team. She became something of a Web sensation. The little girl in the joke sounds a lot like her!

IzzyM (author) from UK on March 08, 2011:

Probably - it's seldom you ever hear brand new jokes that haven't already been labelled on one group or another :)

Mohamed Haris on March 08, 2011:

Nice jokes... But, i think that i already heard these jokes but there is a Change. AND THE CHANGE IS THAT Manchester United name was presented in those Jokes when i heard them.....

IzzyM (author) from UK on January 28, 2011:

You're not wrong there - but living in a country without one, I miss it! (not that I ever used it, but it's nice to know it's there)

Merlin Fraser from Cotswold Hills on January 28, 2011:

That's a different joke altogther.... !

IzzyM (author) from UK on January 28, 2011:

I'm sure you're right Merlin - I mean who else has a welfare state like ours! Thanks for reading :)

Merlin Fraser from Cotswold Hills on January 28, 2011:

Love it Izzy,

But I think you've gotta be a Brit to truly understand this sense of Humour...

I am and I do !

Great Hub as was the Scouse jokes as well .

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