An artist,a poet at heart & a teacher by profession, pursuing masters in psychology now. Passionate about reading & writing the expressions.
Life is Beautiful: Admire its Beauty
Face the World
Each of us has to face the adversities of the world,
Whether we are divine or devil, rich or poor, young or old;
Whether we are in a huge crowd or living all alone,
At times there is no one to listen to our agonical moan,
Even in the crowd no one can attend to our miserable tone.
We all have to face the world with full confidence,
Which shall never be broken by any disturbance;
Have faith on yourself and listen to your conscience,
Which is the sole guide of yours that stays till the end,
It indeed helps to make decisions being true eternal friend.
I have been a very shy and sensitive child. I couldn’t make any friends in my school till my twelfth grade and felt as if I had always been neglected by everyone. This made me very under confident girl. I couldn’t speak in public. I was not able to utter a word on stage, though I had practiced well for the same. This made me really too negative and naive sort of personality.
I was married to a highly qualified handsome man, who loved me a lot. But I always doubted on him. I was not even graduated or as smart as him. I always felt that he will leave me for some better girl. We were blessed with two very beautiful angels in our life. Everything was going well for ten years of our marriage till the teenage love of my husband came back in his life.
I was pregnant with my second daughter and he stopped interacting with me. He was not even picking up my calls from his office or spending anytime with me. One night I checked his phone and found all the conversation of my husband with his newly found beloved. It took me three hours from 3am to 6am to go through the messages of both of them on whatsapp. That was the time, I really wished to kill myself. He was fast asleep, I went to the balcony to jump from our seventh floor apartment, but it was not easy. I couldn’t jump. I stood there for a few hours but couldn’t take that step. It might be that fear that along with my own life, I was to take the life of a little one who had not even seen the world yet.
I tried other ways as well using a few of the sleeping pills and then cutting my wrist with a blade. But neither of the acts were smart enough to help me in getting rid of my life.
Dreams Broken Down
Beauty of Life Ignored all the Time
I'd been an average girl. Not so smart that I could get admission in any of the Medical Universities of my country. Though since childhood I wished to be a doctor. It was again not a dream framed by myself but by the society and my closed ones of my family, especially my father. He felt like a failure when I couldn't compete in the medical college entrance examination, so did I. I remember one of my classmate poisoning herself for this failure.
Though I was strong enough and wanted to live for my family. I wanted to make my parents happy and as per their wish I was married to a really one of the most handsome creature that I know. He did love me a lot. We had an outstanding time together with all the sort of marital arguments, understanding for each other and a sort of spiritual connection. I believed him as my God (as any Indian lady) and used to take fasts for his well being. But nothing came to rescue me when he announced that I didn't matter anything for him in his life and he clearly stated that I was not the dream girl of his life.
I was so shattered that I couldn't hold myself. Neither could I talk with anyone nor sit quietly. It's very difficult for a lady to explain when the husband leaves us when she has a little baby in her hand. All the fingers come on the lady misinterpreting everything. Thanks to my husband he never spread any bad publicity of mine, just stayed away from me and the two innocent kids.
Now, I had my two angels for whom I had to spend my rest of the life. Overall, what was their fault? Just this much that they were born to live this life with such problematic parents! I visited my family doctor as used to get unconscious, was not getting the strength even to stand on my legs and could see only darkness around me. After all the tests which was alright she advised me to get help from psychiatric as what I was facing was not a sort of physical ailment. I needed some psychiatric help soon or else the depression would make me mad and it would be much more problematic than the situation I was in.
I went to the psychiatric and she listened the whole story from me very patiently and gave me a few medicines. There was no change at all. I was the same. The thought of killing myself never ever popped up in my mind as I had already made it believe that I have to live for my daughters. My in laws were always very supportive to me and with their help I was able to complete my Masters and Bed from Indira Gandhi National Open University. I got a job of English Teacher in a good school and started to have a new life with my kids.
Within three years I shifted from one school to other in hope of better prospects and opportunities but was never satisfied with any of the institutions or their regulations, as I was somehow not satisfied with myself. Meanwhile, I tried all the places where I could attain the peace of mind. I visited Brahmakumaris, Sahajyoga, Rajyoga, karmayoga, Art of Living, Osho and many more such institutes of man made Gods where one human is prayed as God. I tried to find out peace everywhere but that didn’t help me. I just gained a sort of experience at each and every place.
What really helped me was the artist within me. I loved to compose poems since childhood, but it was never accepted or recognized by anyone in my family. So once I started to write my feelings in poems, I started to spend some time in making a few paintings or listening to music, I found that it was all within me. I started reading a few books like, Ask and it is given, The Secret, Think and Grow Rich, The New Earth, The 5 am Club and of course watched a few wonderful movies which transformed me from what I always had been.
Here, I learned no one else can take away the charm of mine unless I myself leave it. I learned that the peace of mind that I was searching everywhere was within me. Unless and until I started to love myself, I started to respect myself, and be contented with what I already had, I was depressed and dejected. But the moment I understood that my rights are only on me and not on my surroundings the people around me, I started to transform myself with proper introspection practicing regular meditation in my daily routine.
People fall prey to their problems and the easiest way that they find is to end their life and run away from them rather than struggling to go ahead. We all know from the history and from the examples of the world famous personalities that one is able to come ahead of others only when one doesn't kneel down when come across the difficult roads but fight with the full strength.