I'm Choosing Me
My whole life
I did things I didn't want to
I followed your lead even if I felt I was compromising myself
At least now I have a place to run to
A place for myself
I choose me
No longer will I not listen to the feeling in my gut
I love you more than myself sometimes
But you don't know how to love, do you?
Many times you've been cold without emotion or caring
You didn't show by your action that you cared
You left me alone, in my misery you just stared
When you want your way you'll do anything to get it
You even fake tears sometimes
Or you say you wish you were never born
I'm so sorry
that you were born handicapped this way
that you were born without a logical way
It seems
you'll never know reality
completely
as your mind takes little turns
from one place to another
you can't seem to learn
sometimes
I asked you who loved me when I felt like no one did
and you gave me a list of ten people of whom
I was not even close to and it didn't include you
When my brother was suicidal you kept pushing him to the brink
until my dad came on the scene and stopped you
Even though my dad was a monster in ways
He prevented your monster from winning it's way
I love you more than life
sometimes
My mother of whom I always put my trust in
I always believed you would never hurt me
or desert me
But as time goes on I can see things more clearly
And each time I open myself up to you,
you can hurt me so deeply
So deeply
I feel that today as I was leaving and
choosing not to see you
I was doing what I wanted to do
Not what you told me to do
I felt like I was clinging on strongly to a mountain
that was just above an abyss
of hell
an abyss you could put me through
I felt strong like a lioness with arms so powerful they won't let go
And I'll keep climbing
this time
to the top, as far as I can go
I will always love you
You are the parent I feel the parent of
You are the little one I took care of
I loved you unconditionally
so preciously
so dearly
so affectionately
with the love of a child
One day you discarded that poem of love
I had written for you
It was framed in the living room
And you took it down
So I asked for it and I put it in a safe place
It's so strange how your feelings can seem erased
Like maybe they were never there in the first place
I will always love you
But I need to succeed
I don't want to be
used for your pleasure and not your treasure
Are you capable of love?
Do you even love yourself?
Comments
Blondey (author) on January 15, 2013:
Ed,
thank you , I forgot about this one, it made me cry....thank you!
ahorseback on January 15, 2013:
Blondey . this is +++++++! and I'm kinda speechless!
Thomas Silvia from Massachusetts on July 18, 2012:
What a beautifully written poem this is and so full of emotion !
Well Done ! Vote up and more !!!
Blondey (author) on July 17, 2012:
Thanks Mhatter99 and Faith Reaper for seeing the positivity in this poem. Expression is so healing! :)
Faith Reaper from southern USA on July 17, 2012:
Excellent and wonderful poem. Voted Way Up In His Love, Faith Reaper
Martin Kloess from San Francisco on July 17, 2012:
Great choice... great insight... great poem... thank you
