The greatest feeling is to love someone unconditionally. Even if you had to wait for them for many years. The last one is, is the best.
The truth came to me unexpectedly. Raw as it could have been and the words that came from this loving and warm person, changed a few things in me. Shocked my inner core back to the living truth of lies. All my life has been a lie. The untold to be told that I longed for such a long time. Finally, peace and searching to do for a while and to forgive again. Yes, this is going to be a battle to fight all over again. Where do you start with this? How do you handle it if it is so sensitive? Can I face my mother again with the loving care I have for her? How could she have done this to me for so many years and did not say one word to give my running mind some peace.
Born in the year 1984 in a cold, harsh world. Since my growing brain could start memorizing and storing memories, I tried to save as many as I could. But now that I am 38-years of age. I wish I could have rather taught myself to erase them or wipe them all away with some magical spell. I swear, if magic was real, I would have used it in many wrong ways, so luckily for me, it’s not.
There were nights I cried myself to sleep. Crawling up and wondering, what the hell am I doing here in this un-predicted and cold life. I did not know what family was or the warm embracing love from my mother. No hugs, no saying I love back, or the meaning of sympathy was taught to me. Just simply saying all the time, “Do what you are told, and you will not fail, but do whatever you want and fail”.
Is that what I child is supposed to hear from a parent? No, but I longed for embracing, hugging, and warm love from someone. I wanted a family that I could resemble. Look up and say that you have taught me the value of life and the meaning in it. Where could I find such wonderful dreams to for full my fantasies and make them come true?
Years passed and I still had no knowledge of the world out there. I was imprisoned in this empty life. Just with my thoughts and prayers to come one day and release me from this dark hole. Sometimes I wondered who was my father? I do have family from his side that was loving and caring or are they the same as the family I use to remember. They would drink as if it were a competition and hit each other as if they are in a boxing match.
Yes, something a child should not see or hear. But I did and that is how I grew up. With hateful speech and verbal abuse, you are useless. You will never get anywhere if you don’t pick up your attitude and do something. Oh, how I wish that someone sat next to me when I had to study, just to help me understand some of the things I was not explained to or taught as a child.
But all of this and more that I went through has brought me an Angel that was searching for me for 35 years. This is now to come back to that shock that shook me back to reality. Out of nowhere. Just like that.” You were almost adopted and then you were stolen from us.” What the hell was going through my mind was distorting every tension point in my body. I was dumbstruck.
So, to this, I think nobody really knows how to react or would immediately start to ask so many questions that the other person would run and thought that it was a Bad Idea. But in reality, if you have wondered your whole life about certain things that did not add up or had the life I did. You will stay calm and listen to them because this can be the break that you longed for a very long time. Happiness or that family you have been dreaming about.
I started to walk around my living room, up and down as I listen to this Angel's voice on the other side of the phone. Oh, she was calm and had her speech together. I just marched left, right, up, and down, felt if I have walked a side path in my living area. Wow the chills that went through me were overwhelming but so welcoming at the same time.
Informed, checked, and fact-checked, I was adopted by my biological father’s brother’s wife. Yes, my aunt. When I was a baby, I was taken from my mother due to very bad circumstances and to be placed in a loving, warm and caring family. They loved me unconditionally as their own. That is what I wanted for a long time and that was taken away from me. No, stollen from me.
It has been explained that after three years of so much love with this family I was ripped from their home, security, and most of all there love they had for me. I was pushed back in hard, cold, and unloving circumstances. Why, did they just not leave me there? My own mother and stepfather took my one and only chance, to grow up in a peaceful home, away from me.
Well, don’t get me wrong. The way I grew up has thought me a lot and when I say a lot, it’s a lot. I had to teach myself what love is. What it is to care for a family and what sympathy really means. Things that left me cold at night had taught me how to comfort and keep others safe. The value of this is to keep going. Yes, it’s not easy. But it can be conquered.
Am I angry, yes? Can I forgive? Still working on that one. It’s a battle to fight between yourself, God, and how to stay positive. But in the meantime, the comfort of knowing that I do have a family that is full of love and Grace is making me keep going forward until I can resolve the fact that I good life was stolen from me.
And that mother that I could have had, had the most hurt in her heart for a long time. That is punishment not fair to her. But she is now my Angel and I will give her the love she once gave me as I baby. Keep her safe as she kept me safe and closed to her.
Thank you, my Angel, for your prayers for 35-years, they surely did keep me going.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2022 Natalia Judith Zwarts