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I Have Been Diagnosed With a Fatal Disease: O.F.S.


I am old, and growing older. It is a fact of life that the days ahead are far outnumbered by the days behind.

It ain't all sunshine and rainbows, people.

It ain't all sunshine and rainbows, people.

What is O.F.S.?

I was not feeling like my old self so I took the dreaded trip to the doctor's office. I hate doctors; all they do is give you bad news which they couple with a smile and try to make you feel as if the diagnosis isn't as bad as it seems. News flash: the diagnosis always is as bad as it seems.

O.F.S. I had never heard of it, had no clue what the hell it might be, how it will affect my body and mind in the near future. I mean, damn! I'm not even to retirement age yet (getting close) and now I have to deal with this?!

It started out slowly, with me not even realizing what was taking place within me. I think the earliest symptom was the aches in my knees and hips; they would hurt at times but I put this down to simple damages done in my younger says. You know, basketball injuries, softball injuries, even a couple of football injuries. I never played organized football but I did play yard football a few times, and there was that sensational catch I made in the flag football finals at college that time. We were the very first non-frat team to make it to the finals in school history. I was a wide receiver and had a touchdown, done a couple of down-and-outs for good gains on the final drive, then did a down-and-out-and-more-down that completely fooled the guy defending me. As I streaked past him and flew down the sidelines for the end zone, I looked back over my shoulder to catch the ball and as I touched it, I was tackled, my neck snapped and I fell onto my back. Oh, I caught the ball anyway lying on the field. Big gain, big penalty, we scored on the next play. Tore the neck muscle out of its sheath and it healed that way. Gives me a crick in my neck to this day.

Damn! I digress; another symptom of O.F.S.

So what is it?

I'm getting there. Can't tell the story without setting the scene. Speaking of stories, have I ever told you about the time I outran a highway patrol officer in my 1973 Mustang Mach I? It was when I first saw Star Wars, in Mountain Home, Arkansas. Some buddies and me...

Crap, did it again! So, anyway, my knees and hips hurt. Then, I start forgetting things, things I should know. Things like words such as...crap, what was that word I was going to use here? Started with a P, sounds like stork I think. Pork! Yeah that was it!!

So, my memory is failing, my joints hurt. Other things began to occur, things like my taking naps in the middle of the day; sitting on the couch watching T.V. while cuddling under my Star Trek no-sew blankie. Even the T.V. shows I watch are being affected. I used to enjoy NCIS, but with all the changes they made to the cast, can't stand it anymore so I turn on the Weather Channel instead. I can watch that damn channel all day! Bassmasters and MLF fishing have become my weekend favorites, and the only show I do watch during the week now is The Curse of Oak Island.

They just keep finding cool stuff on that show, don't they? Was it last week they found more wood in the swamp? And another piece of iron that might be 300 years old? And who remembers that lead cross they found that dates to the Knights Templer time? Who boy, that's some exciting stuff!

Other symptoms...

I'm having some other symptoms too; things like sudden cravings for the Early Bird Special even at home. Can you believe that I am eating dinner at 4:30 PM some days? I don't even get off work until 4:00 PM, then I rush home (it's a one minute walk - I live where I work now. Oh joy) and find my lovely wife slaving over a hot microwave cooking a frozen dinner (Banquet Cowboy Chicken is our favorite) or perhaps air frying some grilled cheese sandwiches to go with a nice bowl of tomato soup.

Then its off to the couch, cover up with James T. Kirk, Spock and the Enterprise NCC-1701 and a nap as the Weather Nation people tell me time and time again what the weather is like across the country. I do change things up at times, with the Weather Channel in the mornings and Weather Nation in the evenings. So exciting!

I usually wake up around 7:00 PM to check on our son and see how he's doing, how school went, what he had for lunch; important things like that. I go in to visit my lovely wife who is in the bedroom watching her favorite shows or perusing the Internet on her phone. Then I go back to the couch for another round of Weather Nation and perhaps turning on the heating pad on during those especially cold days where the temperatures drop below 60 degrees F. Gets chilly at times.

So, what does O.F.S. stand for?

O.F.S. Debilitating, humiliating, a disease the medical doctors have no cure for, no treatment for. You just have to deal with it.

Old Fart Syndrome. O.F.S.

Damn it! I gotta pee again!!

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2021 Mr Archer


Mr Archer (author) from Missouri on February 07, 2021:

You mean you don't wake up the night before? And you eat at 9 PM? Hell, I don't even remember what 9:00 PM looks like anymore!

Venkatachari M from Hyderabad, India on February 07, 2021:

Oh! Mr. Archer, you left me laughing at the end. I was afraid that you were seriously ill with the Oral Facial Syndrome one. Thank God! It turned out to be the Old Fart Syndrome that anybody can possess.

I enjoyed it very much. But I don't like that breakfast at 3:30 AM or the Dinner at 4 pm. My timings are 11 am 2:30 pm and 9 pm.

Mr Archer (author) from Missouri on February 06, 2021:

Hell, I got that too.

John Hansen from Queensland Australia on February 06, 2021:

Oh yes it is highly contagious “Can’t Remember An F***ing Thing.”

Mr Archer (author) from Missouri on February 06, 2021:

Thank you guys. John I guess I don't know that one. Is it easily spread?

Kathy Henderson from Pa on February 05, 2021:

Oops O.F.S., see I am losing it.

Kathy Henderson from Pa on February 05, 2021:

Good one, Mr. Archer; I felt I knew where this was going, but; it intrigued me. Thanks for the giggle and genuine honesty of O.F.S. may we all find the balance living out our days with O.S.F.

John Hansen from Queensland Australia on February 05, 2021:

Yes, I have O.F.S too, had it for years, it and C.R.A.F.T disease go hand on hand. Though I never watch the weather channel, don’t watch much at all other than sport of some form. Have started only having two meals a day, late breakfast, and then dinner about 4pm. I hear they are working on a vaccine. Nice writing.

Mr Archer (author) from Missouri on February 05, 2021:

Thank you ladies. I am fine, nothing a Jack and Coke won't fix. Or maybe a Hot Damn Tea and a tub of hot water.

BRENDA ARLEDGE from Washington Court House on February 05, 2021:

Your story really caught my eye. I sincerely believed you had received bad news.

I am delighted you are fine. O.F.S seems to hit us all now & then.

Nothing wrong with kicking back watching an episode of the Curse Of Oak Island. It's one of my favorite shows.

Just try to get up off of the couch now and then. Those bones do need some exercise.

Take care.

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on February 05, 2021:

You got it!

Mr Archer (author) from Missouri on February 05, 2021:

Perfect, but be sure and add some of that Irish butter to them as you cook: makes them smooth as silk.

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on February 05, 2021:

Sure, Mike. I add milk to the eggs when scrambling. Scrambled soft okay? I don't like them dry.

Mr Archer (author) from Missouri on February 05, 2021:

Sounds good. Bill, you coming? Scrambled eggs too please, love to cover them with sausage gravy!

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on February 05, 2021:

I'll make the biscuits and gravy, but not at 3:30 a.m.! Y'all can watch cartoons while I sleep in. I'll call you when breakfast is ready....

Sally Gulbrandsen from Norfolk on February 05, 2021:

Have to know what biscuits and gravy are, especially for breakfast!

Ann Carr from SW England on February 05, 2021:

Ha, ha!! Brilliant!

Mr Archer (author) from Missouri on February 05, 2021:

I am improving: I used to eat breakfast the night before.

Ann Carr from SW England on February 05, 2021:

What's 3.30 am? Never heard of it! Biscuits and gravy sound good though...

Mr Archer (author) from Missouri on February 05, 2021:

Thank you all for caring. Those of us with O.F.S. should stick together. Who's house are we eating breakfast at tomorrow at 3:30 AM? And will there be biscuits and gravy?

Ann Carr from SW England on February 05, 2021:

Great hub! Thanks for the laugh. I spent most of the read trying to work out what the letters stood for - serious and not, mostly not, as I'm the eternal optimist.

Good start to the weekend but then the weekend's the same as any other two or three days at the moment; OFS or not, I would like my life back! Getting there at least - hooray!


Sally Gulbrandsen from Norfolk on February 05, 2021:

You made my day, just what I needed before a relaxing week-end. Thank you.

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on February 05, 2021:

I can tell you anything about it you need to know, my friend. Way too funny! Thanks for the gut laugh.

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on February 05, 2021:

OMG, Mike this is hilarious! I must admit tho, until I got to the last few paragraphs, I really thought you'd contracted a debilitating illness.

Nothing wrong with having O.F.S. I think I have it too. The first thing I do when I get home from work is put on my fuzzy socks, sweats, and oversized thermal shirt. This is my uniform every day of the week when I get home. Weekends too, if I don't have to go anywhere.

And yeah, my couch and I are quite intimate. I'm addicted to Food Network TV and TV Land.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this. Thanks for the laugh, Mike!