Okay Okay, when I wrote my recent hub Have-you-examined-your-stools-poo-lately I didn't mean I wanted to examine anyone else's, so you can imagine my disgust when I found a fully fledged human stool parked in front of my car in our communal car park.
It all began when a couple of days ago Hubby and I decided to pay a visit to our local pub. It was already dark outside, so we followed our usual routine of blindly aiming ourselves from our rented cottage in the general direction of the car and hoping for the best. I successfully negotiated approximately two thirds of the 7 or 8 metre route to the car before feeling a nasty squelch under one of my shoes. I automatically commented to Richard on this and asked where on earth such a "puddle" must have come from and suggested it could have even been a dead rabbit our cats had killed. Richard agreed it was unusual, but reassured me it was only a puddle, and that this puddle had been accumulating for the last day or two. Not thinking too much more about it we went on to the pub and enjoyed a few beers before coming back home again.
About two days later (today), I got up ready to go and do a bit of essential shopping. As I ventured out to my car (in broad daylight this time), I noticed that in front of where I park was a large amount of what can only be described as "shredded, wet, used toilet paper". I looked closely to be sure, and then somewhat concerned headed off to the shops intending to talk to our neighbours and landlord upon on my return.
About half an hour later upon my return home I saw one of my neighbours, a sweet girl with a young son. I called her over and asked her "what do you think about this?". As I pointed out the toilet paper to her I looked immediately in front of my car bonnet and saw a large, pale brown, smooth human turd, stool, poo, whatever you prefer to call it. Oh my God, this was just too gross for words. Now I knew for sure that what was outside my front door was human excrement!!!
My neighbour was equally shocked, and then admitted that she had experienced a drainage problem a few days earlier, but the drains had been cleared since and her toilet was no longer blocked, (actually I doubted the turd lurking in front of my car could possibly be a woman's based on the sheer size of it). Whilst we were standing in the communal car park, (along with the offending turd), debating how this could have happened, Annie (the neighbour), decided to call the handyman who works for our landlord. Whilst she was off tracking him down (he too lives on the complex), I carefully negotiated my way around the 'brown' obstacle and headed for our kitchen to unload my shopping. My imagination was already on overdrive as I visualised such horrors as my three cats walking through the excrement before entering the house, possibly even venturing on to our kitchen benches, or even washing their paws before giving me a loving kiss like at least one of them often does.
Several minutes later Annie returned to reassure me that Jason had told her he would call our landlord to get the problem resolved. Unfortunately for poor Annie, as she was telling me this, her mischievous 3 year old little boy thought it would be great fun in his wellington boots to jump in the large puddle of urine and toilet paper (thankfully not the poo itself). The look on her face was priceless as she tried to explain to a three year old what sewage was, and why he should avoid it at all costs. The poor child's face was completely blank, no clue what she was on about, and even she had to see the funny side when it dawned on her a child of that age simply won't see raw sewage as anything other than a new puddle to jump in.
You would think it would get better from then wouldn't you? No, it didn't, and as I sat in the house, watching the daylight gradually fading with no sign of our landlord, in my mind's eye all I could see was this smooth oval brown stool lying prostrate in front of my car. On occasion I found myself drawn to the lounge window to see if it was still there, or if some angel from above, (or my landlord), had kindly removed it from my vicinity. No such luck, each time I looked, there it was, staring at me, daring me to gain the courage to remove it, (even though I had no idea who had originally produced it from their nether regions). I am afraid my stomach was not up to "the job", (literally), so the poo maintained its territory without any interference from me.
As the daylight looked more and more like it was going to vanish with no visit from our landlord I decided to phone the Hubby and warn him to be careful where he was walking when he arrived home in case he trod in anything he would prefer not to. Shortly after this I sent a text message to our landlord asking him if there was any news on the "raw sewage" outside our front door as there was "a large turd" and "loads of loo roll in front of my car". I was pretty shocked to get a text back from him saying this was the first he knew about it. I then sent him a further message explaining the story and telling him to be "careful" where he walked as it "wasn't pretty".
Turd on the Run!
Ultimately I decided to visit my Mum to get away from "Turdsville", and having dodged my way around the polluted area of car park to get into my car (having noted that there was now a small current of sewage trickling down the car park through the gap between my car wheels), I drove to their house with a great sense of relief and the hope that all offensive effluence would have gone by the time I returned home.
Luckily our landlord sent me a text a few hours later to tell me he had cleaned up the mess in the dark, but that he would need to come back in daylight in order to check it was all sorted properly. Much to my intense relief my 'stalker turd' had gone upon my return home, and it was obvious our landlord had somehow removed the soggy toilet roll and disinfected the area in front of my car parking space.
It does go without saying that I am still avoiding walking where the stream of effluence and the turd were, (just in case of any residue left behind). I did discover that there is actually a manhole cover under the gravel where the sewage was escaping. Most of Guernsey are still on a cesspit system, which means that we have no mains drainage and rely on pits to collect the waste water and sewage. These pits are emptied (at a price), when necessary by sewage trucks, and I can only assume on this occasion the pit had overflowed for some reason or a pipe had blocked somewhere. What I shall never forget is the evil human poo that haunted me throughout today and left me with the same feeling as if I were "being watched" by an alien entity!
Captainanchor on October 02, 2017:
DDA (do drop anchor) when you feel so inclined, but do it privately. Also try squatting and let it all hang w/the help of gravity. Gravity is something humans have been trying to fight since the beginning.... of time, of flight and anytime you leave the ground albeit briefly. Having it on your side while in the act of defacating is a good thing. Try the 'squatty potty' approach. Humans have been crapping wrongly, hence all the problems w/voiding totally maaan, lol!
Just do it I say, I implore you. Go forth and have a happy s..t!
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on May 31, 2012:
Thanks Sherri, the poo has long since gone thank goodness, and fortunately the trauma with it. an episode I hope never to have to live through again lol.
Sherri from Southeastern Pennsylvania on May 31, 2012:
LOL...This is as "fresh" today as it was two years ago. The writing, I mean. ;) I hope the poo and its ill psychological effects are long gone and have never returned. Up and very funny!
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on December 21, 2011:
LOL Eranofu, sorry about that, but this really happened and trust me when I say, I struggled to eat for at least 24 hours (too many mental images).
Eranofu from Europe on December 21, 2011:
Such well written horror. Now I have troubles to keep my dinner in the belly...
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on December 11, 2011:
Very little L.R. I see everything as a writing opportunity :)
Lone Ranger on December 11, 2011:
Damn, girl, is there anything that you won't write about?! :0)
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on November 03, 2011:
No, it definitely was still turd shaped and came out of the cesspit lid that had overfilled CabbageMS. It was really gross, but perfectly formed. Couldn't have been a 'Ninja poo'er' either, as we are on a small complex surrounded by cottages. They would definitely have been seen as it was broad daylight.
Thankfully it hasn't happened since LOL.
CabbageMS on November 03, 2011:
Ahhhhhahahahaaa!! This is the funniest thing I've read in a while!! :) I'm not convinced a turd would remain "turd shaped" if it had passed through someone's plumbing (the house's plumbing that is), and into a cesspit... I'd be more inclined to believe you were unlucky enough to be visited by a "ninja poo'er". Bad times indeed!
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on August 28, 2011:
Thanks cdw7, I appreciate the comment and am glad you enjoyed this :)
cdw7 from Lamar County on August 28, 2011:
like the dog picture and your last picture, and you got an interesting way of making a story. sorry for the incadent you went through to.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on November 04, 2010:
LOL Denise, hope your meal stayed down okay ;)
denise mohan from California on November 03, 2010:
I can't beleive I ate, I mean read the whole thing!
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on September 11, 2010:
It turned out to be a problem with a blocked drain causing one of the cesspits on the complex where we live to overflow. The turd in question was an unfortunate "escapee" that the Landlord had to come and remove. Fortunately it hasn't happened since.
Susannah Birch from Toowoomba, Australia on September 10, 2010:
Quite amusing! As long as it hasn't happened since. So you never discovered who the culprit was?
mikeq107 on January 19, 2010:
Miss you too :0)
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 18, 2010:
Thanks Marie, like I have said throughout my life, "everything that happens, no matter how bad it may seem, happens for a reason, and something good will come out of it somewhere". Not sure a human poo in my garden was quite what I had in mind though LOL.
Marie Dwivkidz from UK on January 18, 2010:
Ewwwwwww! yikes, what a discovery! Glad you could make some mileage out of it though. This made me laugh. Thanks.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 17, 2010:
Hi Christoph, so delighted to get a comment from you. As you know I value your humour and opinions highly. I don't envy you that job you had, must have been awful. Strange how we have no problem cleaning up animal poo, but human poo is a different matter altogether.
Hi Green Lotus, thanks so much for your comment and I am glad you enjoyed this. I love our ice cream too, we are lucky on that one, (probably because our cows produce the best milk in the world too, yummy).
Hillary from Atlanta, GA on January 17, 2010:
OOOOewww! You poor girl. How horrific, but you tell it well and I love the pictures, albeit some almost made me gag:) They could make a South Park episode out of this one! Sorry you're having these neighborhood problems, but at least Guernsey has the best ice cream in the world.
Christoph Reilly from St. Louis on January 17, 2010:
Gawd, what a disgusting hub....but funny as heck! I once had a job taking over abandoned houses where people had sometimes been "squatting," in both senses. You wouldn't believe the messes I had to clean up. It's making me ill just thinking about it.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 16, 2010:
Thanks Shawellyn, will definitely be reading that as I hadn't seen it before.
Things here got a little worse again today when I discovered our landlord may have washed it away as best he cold in the dark, bt actually it is now simply in smaller chunks spread around the area under where I park my car.
shazwellyn on January 16, 2010:
Oh dear... poor misty! I too have been dogged with thoughts of excrement! Have you read my hub about the worlds most travelled loo? Nell, who seems to love anything to do with funny rear stories has! I think you will love it! Im not talking crap here! LOL
Good story Misty!
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 15, 2010:
Hi Paradise, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. To answer your feedback, I don't think ANYONE in their right mind would envy my experience LOL.
Hi Tony, if your imagination is anything like mine you probably virtually relived the whole experience with me. Not at all nice and quite nauseating! Thanks for commenting :)
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 15, 2010:
Hi Ladyjane, what a horrible experience for your Sister to have at any time, but somehow so much worse on a lunch break!!! Thanks for sharing it with us :)
Hi Springboard, thanks for the awful pun, it was much appreciated by all ;)
Hi Mike, so lovely to see you back on here again, albeit only briefly! Not really in my tower any more as I have a laptop now, so Hubby sleeps in the tower to avoid being disturbed by me, or me by his snoring, and I work on the laptop in the lower bedroom or in our living room instead. Works out great for everyone! Try not to be away so long next time, we miss you :)
Tony McGregor from South Africa on January 15, 2010:
What a horrible experience! And so well-described! I could almost smell it myself! And that I didn't like!
Thanks for an interesting (if rather icky) read.
Love and peace
Paradise7 from Upstate New York on January 15, 2010:
Hah! Springboard made a funny!!!! I like your style, Misty. I don't envy your experience!
mikeq107 on January 15, 2010:
Well was wondering what you were up to these days and lo and behold the same old Crap..:0)
Hi Misty. Great t see your still at it sending carrier pigeons from your Ivory tower.
I’m rarely on line these days, writing mostly. actually the area where we live has no signal, so I focus on writing more ,no TV either don’t miss that 12 year old mentality with hi call me Joe adds...anyway Great to see you Sis and don’t forget to Floss , I mean Flush...sorry to early for humor..
Love Mike xoxoxo
Springboard from Wisconsin on January 15, 2010:
One of the life's crappier experiences? Sorry, pun WAS intended there. Ack! Just made me shudder thinking about it.
ladyjane1 from Texas on January 15, 2010:
That was awesome misty and you wrote it with quite eloquence and style for the topic that is. Reminds me of what happened to my sister at work. She was going out to her car for lunch, she works downtown and she actually saw a man take down his pants and take a dump right there in between cars in front of God and everybody. Hilarious but gross. Good hub.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 14, 2010:
Hi Nell, I think I erred towards the side of "being sick" at the time, although looking back it was situation comedy at its best :)
Nell Rose from England on January 14, 2010:
Ha ha , not sure whether to laugh or be sick!! very funny! And I also loved the dog, but not the toilet seat.... cheers Nell
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 14, 2010:
Thanks Fishtiger, that is a very ironic picture under the circumstnces. :)
Hi Peter, ahhh, so the culprit has surfaced at last ;)
pjk_artist from Turkey Point, ON on January 14, 2010:
I confess...it was me.
fishtiger58 from Momence, Illinois on January 14, 2010:
Excellent hub made me laugh and the pic of the dog cleaning up the mess is priceless.
Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on January 13, 2010:
LOL Hypnodude, well something good had to come out of a bad situation I guess, so why not a new hub! Glad it gave you a laugh and thanks for the comment :)
Andrew from Italy on January 13, 2010:
You always write great hubs misty. I'm sorry for you but this one is very funny.