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How to Survive a Stephen King Story

How to survive if you find yourself stuck in a Stephen King story:

  1. Become best friends with a group of outcasts when they fight a demon clown from outer space.
  2. If you find a car for sale, make sure it is not possessed before deciding to buy it.
  3. Don’t leave your dog around bats with rabies.
  4. Don’t make fun of the weird girl with telekinetic powers.
  5. If a super flu escapes from a government facility . . . . oh.
  6. If a gunslinger is chasing a man in black, make sure he has as many bullets as he can hold.
  7. Don’t trust a nurse who lives out in the middle of nowhere. She will say that she is your biggest fan, and she will cut off one of your feet.
  8. Don’t become a caretaker for a hotel during its off season. The hotel will try to kill you.
  9. Don’t bury your cat in a magic cemetery.
  10. If you come across a group of Romany, make sure you don’t run any of them over.
  11. Do whatever you can to make sure you can sleep. You don’t want to start seeing things.
  12. Don’t get caught trying to save a couple of little girls with your magic powers. You will get blamed for their murder.
  13. If a forcefield goes over your town in the form of a dome, you are doomed.
  14. Listen to the man in the yellow hat when he tells you that you should not be going back in time to save JFK. Bad things will happen if you don’t.
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