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How to Gain Weight Easily: A Funny List of Ways to Get Fat

No Pain, Just Gain Weight

Most people believe that you must work hard to gain weight. People think, "oh man, I'm going to have to follow some strict diet." The reality is what scientists and our P.E. teachers have been trying to tell us for years. Simple non-planning and lack of exercise helps put on the pounds the easiest. Gaining weight should not be hard work, so stop working so hard to gain weight. The weight gain motto goes, "If you're working too hard, you're working way too hard."

Some weight gain lifestyle plans will make your wallet lose more weight than you gain on your belly, and it shouldn't break your wallet to keep you from breaking a sweat. Follow these simple tips to get on the fast track to gaining weight.

Gain Weight with these Tips

  • Plan to not plan your diet
  • Start early
  • Get a sedentary job
  • Stop drinking water
  • Get pregnant
  • Eat Food Fast & Eat Fast Food
  • Grow Older

Plan to Not Plan Your Diet To Gain Weight

Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't take much planning to gain weight.  In fact, the only planning you have to do is to plan to not plan your diet.  In other words, go to the grocery store hungry, and without a grocery list.  Then stop on your way home, while the ice cream is melting to suck down a #1 at McD's.

Plan to never take your lunch to work with you.  You can order Chinese, Mexican, or pizza.  Or go out for a burger.  Gain weight by planning to not plan your diet.  Start now to start gaining right away.  You don't have to work hard to gain weight.

Start Eating Early To Gain Weight

Even though early calories are the most likely calories to be burned off throughout the day, it is important to get an early start with a big breakfast. The key here is to eat the right kind of food in large proportions. Stay away from protein and whole grains, because they will increase your overall long term energy level making it more likely for you to stay awake and active.

Get at least 5-12 servings of fat and sugar to ensure high calories combined with an enevitable spike in blood sugar, followed by a short comma. There are so many possibilities ranging from Burger King french toast to good old fashioned donuts. Whatever you choose, start as early as possible. It may be beneficial to set your alarm for the middle of your normal sleep time so that you can get up and eat donuts before anyone else can get them. "The early bird gets the donut," and in this case gains the most weight. You can always go back to sleep once you have a full stomach as long as you stay away from coffee.  Don't work too hard trying to gain weight.

Get older faster with these popular activities.

Get older faster with these popular activities.

Gain Weight with Sedentary Work

Some jobs may cause thinness. It is your job to realize the problem and do something about it. If you walk your paper route, for example, you may want to start riding a bike or driving. Or you can pay someone else to deliver the newspapers while you eat breakfast.

We can't all have a job with the luxury to snack on Twinkies and Snickers and sit and stare at a screen all day. For those of us who actually walk, stand, or breathe on our own for some part of the day, it may be beneficial to look into getting a new job. Your job may be keeping you thin. It's all about how many calories you can consume while not having to expend any.

The best jobs jobs have access to vending machines, but no refrigerator to bring your lunch. This will encourage you to eat more calorie rich foods throughout the day and even for lunch. If you are really stuck in a job that burns way too many calories, there are other options. For example, if you work in landscaping, try to get a job sitting and driving machinery. If this doesn't work out, you may need to get an injury in order to be on a restriction, calories burned restriction that is.

Stop Drinking Water and Gain Weight

If you want to gain weight, water is your enemy. There is too much evidence that water helps you lose weight. Not only does it make you feel energized, but it contains zero calories. Any time you decide to drink water instead of some other beverage, you are missing an opportunity to gain weight. Your stomach is only so big and if you drink too much water, there will be no room for calorie dense food.

Remember the key to putting on pounds is to drink your calories. Don't eat an orange, for example, drink orange juice. Or better yet just drink a sugary orange flavored drink or orange Kool Aid, or maybe Tang. These drinks will all have added sugars, and that doesn't mean you can't add more. In the world of adding pounds, adding sugar is a good thing.


Gain Weight By Getting Pregnant

Studies prove that pregnant people seem to gain weight at a much faster rate than those who are not pregnant. Using this corelative data one could suggest that pregnancy causes weight gain, but we're not sure because it would be unethical to subject women to such a horrific situation for the purpose of experimental design. 

This method is generally not recommended. Although there is an initial rapid weight gain during the first nine months, there is an even faster weight loss of 12-20 pounds in one day at roughly nine months.  This is followed by the creation of another mouth to feed, which means less for for you and less weight gain.

Eat Food Fast and Eat Fast Food to Gain Weight Fast

By eating your food quickly, you will not allow your stomach to communicate to your brain that you are full. Make sure to eat at least until you are full, but do it quickly, otherwise your stomach and brain will try to talk you out of having seconds or fourths.

Another meaning of eat fast is, eat fast food. Fast food is full of nutrients that will help spike your blood sugar and harden your arteries, not only putting you in a lower overall state of health, but will zap the energy out of you. That’s energy that could be used burning calories that add up to pounds. Consistency is the key. If you eat a triple patty bacon monster burger with extra cheese only once a week it won’t add up quickly enough. You might even lose what weight you’ve not worked for already.

Get Older To Gain Weight

The easiest thing you can do to gain weight is get older. Sleep, play video games, watch television, and watch the years go by as you gain weight. Don't get caught up in trying to speed up the process, just be patient and you will find that gaining weight becomes easier and easier. Getting a rascal might be the trick for you to stop burning so many calories by walking to the car from your front door. Stop working so hard and just get older to gain weight.

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Conclusion: Stop Working Too Hard To Gain Weight

Remember, with these tips you don't have to break a sweat to gain weight. Follow the old fashioned advice of your Gym teacher. Plan to not plan your diet. Start consuming calories early in the day. Avoid water, your weight gain enemy. Eat Fast Food. Eat Food Fast. Get Pregnant. Get Old. Watch your waistline grow see results. You'll gain weight without working too hard. "If you're working too hard, you're working WAY too hard to gain weight."


Daniel Long from All Over on October 04, 2015:

I've done all of these and THEY WORK. 10/10 will try again.

ThoughtsWriter from America on May 21, 2014:

Ha, thanks for the advice.

Blake Flannery (author) from United States on May 20, 2014:

Suzanne, make sure you stay away from water. Swimming burns calories too. Even the toilet has water in it, and using it makes you lose weight.

Suzanne Day from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia on May 20, 2014:

I do all of these things except the pregnancy and the water. I drink lots of water. For some reason it makes me gain even more weight! Then you begin to crave fresh foods......voted funny and liked.

Kaili Bisson from Canada on May 03, 2012:

this is a riot !!! Boy, do I have a recipe to share :-)

Emmie on January 31, 2012:

Thanks, I will try this.

musafar on January 02, 2012:

wow this is just don't work out and don't drink water wtf i lost 2pounds just by reading this becuse its jokes hahahah

savina on November 27, 2011:

nice tips. . Bt reely hard for a person with poor digestive system lyk me

Blake Flannery (author) from United States on October 05, 2011:

Just for Fun,

I'm sorry to hear about your friend (wink wink). You... I mean "your friend" might be saved by some peer pressure. Those who have friends who can gain weight easily are more likely to gain weight themselves. Be a good friend by being a good influence. Sometimes you have to make the call to Pizza Hut as an intervention to help your friend recover from self control.

Joe from Pennsylvania, USA on October 05, 2011:

My close friend was diagnosed with self-control. She'll watch an entire Pizza Hut commercial but she just can't get herself to have someone call delivery. Every fiber of her being wants to slip into the sofa but instead she jumps up and goes for a jog. This is hard for me to share. The doctor says she'll have longer to live :(

TheOneAndOnly on August 31, 2011:

WOW this site is for people like myself who truly have issues with gaining weight by reading your rediculous comments I have realized you people are obviously over weight and need to be searching other sites.. Your just a bunch of ignorant ASSHOLES in my opinion

Eddie Carrara from New Hampshire on July 14, 2011:

Nice hub Blake, its funny how it's the little things we do consistently that impact our lives the most, like packing a lunch so you don't eat off the roach coach. lol

Amelia Blick from UK on April 05, 2011:

This is hilarious and yet, so spot on. I enjoyed it - thanks for making me laugh. Humour is far better than hitting someone over the head with pedagogical truths. :)

Glemoh101 on January 07, 2011:

If you want to gain wait don't eat this list.

Stephen H. on November 08, 2010:

the best form the rest...tnxxx!

Sara555 on July 09, 2010:

finally! tips I can use.. :)

bhup on June 15, 2010:

get pregnant!!!! .. funny isn't it? .. haha

Camlo De Ville from Cologne, Germany on December 01, 2009:

Hi Blake! I have tried all of these tips, and still weigh only 60 Kg with a height of 182 cm. I didn't try the pregnancy thing, though, because of the exact disadvantages you mention here.

Yes -- I really enjoyed this Hub. Even read some of it out to a friend who's here with me now, who also found it hilarious.

I'll be looking out for more of your work.

All the best, Camlo

Blake Flannery (author) from United States on October 26, 2009:

fastfreta, I am glad you got the joke. I wouldn't want anyone to take this one seriously. Yes there is a point to it, and I hope that it does actually help someone who has a sense of humor.

Legacy W. Pizza sounds good to me any day.

Legacy Wellness from Katy, Texas on October 26, 2009:

Enjoyed the HUB. I vote for eating at least one whole pizza with everything on it every day. lol

Alfreta Sailor from Southern California on October 26, 2009:

This is cute, I thought, reading the title, that this was a hub for the weight challenged youths, or the anorexic, now I know it is a tongue in cheek poke at the overweight. Cute. Hope this hits home to those that do the very things with no thought to the eventual outcome. Great hub.

Blake Flannery (author) from United States on October 26, 2009:

Ah yes, you have reminded me of these other easy ways to gain weight. I will have to add them to the hub. Thanks for the ideas.

Barbara from Stepping past clutter on October 26, 2009:

I have found that drinking beer puts weigh on the bones. And not eating celery. Celery is a food that actually takes more calories to eat than it creates. Another thing that works for older women is going on hormones because they unbalance the system and create cravings. Lots of women never lose their prego weight. And becoming a freshman in college, living at a dorm is another great way to gain weight, particularly if the cafeteria has cinnamon rolls. Freshman girls love to chow down on those. Thanks for the laughs!

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