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How To Call In Sick To Work

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This is a...

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how-to-call-in-sick-to-work

We've all done it. Oh yes, you have. It's just you and me talking here...I'll keep your dirty secret. You know how it starts. One morning you wake up and it's too beautiful outside or perhaps you've only just gotten into bed and you'd rather not get out of it just yet. Haven't you earned a day off? When was the last time you called in sick? In your head you'll tick off the time, trying to remember the last excuse you had used. Did it work? Is it recyclable or do you have to come up with a new one? What possible, plausible reason can you come up with in the next half hour to wriggle out from your responsibilities? One by one, you think of a reason, tasting it...testing it...until you find one that sounds like it could work.

You pick up the phone and while it rings, you get into character so that by the time you hear the word, "Hello?"...your voice is a pathetic shadow of its former self, which is only to be expected when you are lingering in death's doorway. Yes! They bought it! You do a little snoopy dance as you imagine a whole day doing anything but work...

...and then if you are anything like me, you feel guilty for the rest of the day. But not enough to fake a miraculous recovery and go into work. That would be irrational guilt and I would recommend therapy for it.

how-to-call-in-sick-to-work

After nearly thirty years of being a member of this nation's work force, I can say with pride that I've gotten the art of how to call in sick down to a science. And now, thanks to this week's hubmob topic, I will gladly share my expert advice with you. Trust me...these tried and true excuses work every time. Not only that, but once you have perfected the technique into the more advanced stages, you may even receive bonuses such as, but not limited to: get well cards, sympathy cards, flowers, congratulatory raises and my personal favorite, finding that somebody else took care of your work while you were out and now you have time to really screw off.

Some places expect you to call in sick once in a while. They've even made it so you don't have to actually lie as long as you use one of the familiar catch phrases. You might need a "mental health day," or you are "having a vision problem (as in...you can't see yourself going to work)." Should you be fortunate to work for such an enlightened employer, you may not ever need to employ any other method. However, while some places might seem more advanced, their idea of how many sick days you might need may be in direct opposition to your requirements. It is wise, therefore, to familiarize yourself with other excuses...just in case.

how-to-call-in-sick-to-work

Bad Excuses

Perhaps you are a new member to the working community. In any place of employment, there is always at least one person that fumbles the ball when it comes to delivering a good excuse. They might lack the creativity, be confused into honesty or even worse, they foolishly over-embellish a story to the point that even the most gullible office worker knows it's a lie.

To illustrate my point, I give you the following examples of BAD EXCUSES:

  • Calling in drunk - Unless you are a twenty-something year old hot babe or studmuffin that the office manager is hoping to have mad copier machine sex with, don't use it. It's just not as attractive coming from any other source.
  • Calling in hung over - Even if you are a twenty-something year old hot babe or studmuffin, don't use this excuse. Hangovers bring to mind things like...oh...vomiting. Most managers find that to be a turn-off.
  • Calling in complaining of jet lag - This won't work because EVERYONE in the office hates your guts and is jealous of the fact that you actually went somewhere. They want to see you as you suffer from sleep deprivation. It serves you right for leaving them to take care of your work...
  • Sprained ankle (or other injury of a non cast requiring nature) - While on the surface this sounds like a perfectly plausible excuse, it requires serious commitment to see it through to the bitter end. Most people don't recover 100% from this sort of injury overnight and you'll be forced to limp around the office for a few days upon your return. There is also a greater risk of having your excuse exposed as a sham by a wily co-worker. Use at your own peril.
  • Death in the family - Baaaaaad excuse. For one, you are laughing in the face of fate when you use an excuse like this. How would you feel if after pretending your sweet Aunt Erma died, she suddenly keeled over? Yeah...pissed! If you'd only waited a few more days you wouldn't have had to lie! How inconsiderate of her. But beside that...in this day of rampant information, anyone can google an obituary. Not worth the karmic risk.