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How To Put On A Bustier (My Funny Story)

Funny Story About Trying On Lingerie And Getting Stuck

This is my funny story about trying on lingerie - a bustier to be specific - and getting stuck. I had all the best intentions.

I wanted to be slimmer and look better in my dress for my daughter's wedding. However, I did not know that trying on lingerie could be hazardous to your health!

First off - I never even HEARD of a bustier before we were planning my daughter's wedding much less ever had one on. I am here to tell you, like so many things that I seem to get myself into, this was again one of the craziest events of my life!

I am by nature a very modest person, so I didn't really want any of my girlfriends along for help as they watched me cram my body into a super tight piece of Spandex. I figured I'd save that little sight for myself in the mirrors at Macy's. And maybe Bob just before it came off after the wedding and I let everything free!

I enlisted Bob to go with me down to the shopping mall because we had some other shopping to do. As happens many times though, he reached his limit and he left me to my own devices. He found the nearest chair hoping that I could go in and try on the garments and be out in record time. Ha!


Photo Credit Clarita at


It seemed simple enough and actually I was thinking it might be a great purchase after all – if it could shove things up where they looked bigger and firmer, more attractive while mashing all the uneven bulges everywhere else together and making me look slimmer in the process....hey....who could argue with such a contraption! What an invention! I might even come to enjoy the thing if it could make me a skinnier more voluptuous 'me'.

Decisions, decisions though – there were just too many choices! Why is this? I do not understand why everything I go to purchase has to be so mind-boggling. True to form though, when faced with too many choices, I start to feel pressured to try as many as possible 'just in case'. When I took off for the dressing room with my arms loaded with all kinds of body shapers and bustiers, I saw Bob shaking his head and wondering to himself I'm sure WHY he had let me talk him into going to enjoy his least favorite sport in the world again – shopping!

When I got into the dressing room, I felt good – I had myself some options and I was not going to be daunted. I was going to apply myself literally to the task at hand and come out of that dressing room with a surefire ticket to make me look younger and slimmer in my mother-of-the-bride dress. So as the minutes ticked by, I tried this bustier on and that bustier on. For some odd reason, the saleslady was either busy or on a break, because I literally never saw a SOUL or heard from anyone. The store was also so empty for a weeknight I was wondering if everyone had gone home! But then again, I didn't need or want an audience now did I? I could handle this little project on my own….. Little did I know.

I had narrowed down the bustiers to a few good choices and I had to admit, they did do their job, albeit very TIGHTLY. I was kind of wondering to myself if I was going to be able to eat a morsel of food or drink a sip of anything while strapped into one of these babies let alone SIT or stand once I had flopped into a chair. But...when I thought of the expense of the photographer and how much better I would look in those pictures, it didn't seem to matter. What is a little squeezing here and there and a pain or two? So what if I couldn't take a deep breath? It was all worth it to look 'better' and slimmer, right?

The very last thing I had to try on was a body shaper that I had selected. It was hanging on the hanger looking back at me. I was not really sure why I had selected it as it was more like a TUBE than a bustier. There were no fasteners, no laces, and it really did not look that sexy at all! Of course, it was cheaper….. Now my curiosity is piqued and I simply HAVE to try it on to see if saving money is going to win out over the other ones. I'm thinking Bob, ever the accountant, would be proud if I examined every avenue and maybe saved a few bucks in the process. It honestly didn't look like much of anything though but a very, very thick and long giant tube of Spandex – and how exactly was I supposed to get into it?

Well, to me the logical way was to put it on over my head, so I took off my glasses and set them on the shelf. I proceeded to wriggle my way into the most unforgiving piece of Spandex I have had the pleasure to meet before or after! I kind of was thinking I might be in trouble as it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to maneuver let alone breathe and my arms were in danger of being pinned inside this stupid thing. There definitely was a lot of squeezing going on! Whoever invented Spandex certainly knew what they were doing I guess.

Good GRIEF – I finally had it in place and I was definitely snugged into it – my bumps and lumps were definitely not going anywhere. However, the down side of all of this was that I was having the air sucked out of me – or squeezed out of me – one or the other. I was now encased in this tube from my boobs down to below my waist and it began to dawn on me that my oxygen stores were being depleted at an alarming rate. I was being squeezed to within an inch of my life is what it felt like! I proceeded to tell myself 'don't panic' – just get out of it and like RIGHT AWAY!

Hmmm – easier said than done it turns out. I was so firmly snugged into this venus flytrap that nothing was moving – that happened to include my lungs. I began fighting with this rubberized tube and trying to get it OFF of me to no avail. I am now starting to panic for real – oh big surprise! I'm thinking mentally 'I can't breathe – HELP – as someone on the Playtex commercials used to say – my living girdle is killing me'! Or was it her living bra? At any rate, I'm struggling to just get an arm inside to loosen up the Spandex and try to pull it over my head but in so doing, now I have my arm trapped inside the tube as well. And it's my good arm!

I start to jump up and down now in the dressing room – I guess maybe I thought that somehow my lumps and bumps would dislodge it and it would somehow slither down my body and fall off – not so! If anything, all that sweating and stirring myself up was making it grow moist and it was clinging even tighter to me! I was SO mortified. What was I going to do? I just could not bring myself to screaming out 'HELP – I'm caught in my body snugger in the dressing room – bring scissors! It has me by the boobs!' But if there was a way out of this little predicament I was not seeing it clearly!

Okay – so now I'm beet red in the face (I can see myself in the mirror and I'm totally freaking out. I've got one arm in and one arm out and I'm being compressed like an accordion in this stupid piece of Spandex. Oh what I would have given for a pair of scissors in my purse – but then I'd have to use my left hand to do it and probably THAT wouldn't have worked except to stab myself. The thought of walking out to the waiting area and asking Bob to help me or shouting for him just really seemed too much. Again, there was NO WAY I was walking out of that dressing room stuck in a Spandex tube with my arm pinned inside.

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So I just made up my mind I was going to slither out of this thing SOMEHOW. I worked and tugged, pushed and pulled, until FINALLY, FINALLY I was able to get the damned thing off of me and it hung limply around my neck. I was breathing like a bellows, I was drenched with sweat from jumping and gyrating and fighting with this stupid garment – my hair was standing on end and I was panting like I'd run a marathon. Who knew I was going to be in a wrestling match with a body shaper?

I literally threw it onto the bench as if it were evil – GET AWAY FROM ME – I wanted to burn it – I wanted to throw it as far as I could and I wanted to cut it to ribbons! I normally am not a violent person but that whole little squeezing escapade somehow just put me out of sorts! How can someone be claustrophobic in a piece of lingerie?

I carefully hung it back on the hanger and put it behind all the other bustiers just in case it decided to jump back onto my body. I then quickly picked the best of the bunch that I had tried on WITH FASTENERS I might add – and quickly put myself back together as best as possible and exited the dressing room. As I came around the corner and Bob stood to go up to the counter with me, he took one look at me and said astonished 'what the hell were you doing in there? You're all red and you're breathing like you ran a marathon – not to mention your hair looks a little crazy and you're sweating!' I just casually said 'oh nothing – just the heat was a little much in the dressing room I guess – must have been a hot flash'. Hot flash my eye!

When I went up to the cashier to pay, she looked at me a little funny – hard to miss a beet red face and tussled hair – not to mention the perspiration problem! She was probably wondering what I was doing in the dressing room too! She asked if I found everything okay and I just burst out laughing – 'oh yeah – more than found everything – but really, you folks should probably put warning labels on those tube things as in they can strangle you trying to put them on or take them off'. She just looked back at me a little dazedly – like 'whatever'.

Seriously I wanted to shout out 'where is the warning label on these things that donning one may be hazardous to your health? Am I the only person who ever got trapped in one? Shouldn't you sell them with scissors attached or a ripcord or something in the event of self-strangulation?' I would have been better off putting a plastic bag over my head! At least they could have a call button on them!

Ah well – I lived through it and never again have I tried or looked at a tube top of ANY kind. If I even see one in a store, I shudder and break out in a cold sweat. What if I had fainted in there from lack of oxygen and they had found me lying on the floor with one arm trapped up by my head? What if I'd kept on jumping and crashed through the mirror and cut myself to ribbons trying to free myself from the tube from hell? Bob as usual got the full story and of course got the predicted laugh out of it. He made me promise though if I ever got into trouble again in the dressing room to please, please come out or scream and yell for help – he said he would have come in and ripped it off of me in a second – and he would only have laughed 'a little' – yeah right! Do you think that they have 2-way mirrors and someone could see me? And if they could, why didn't THEY come help me?

Points To Remember With A Bustier or Spandex

  • Never try and squeeze into anything smaller than you are around ESPECIALLY if it involves Spandex.
  • Never try on anything in a tube alone – always use the buddy system – it could save your life.
  • Always carry a cell phone and leave it open with a number dialed onto the screen just in case you are trapped in Spandex and you need to use your nose or a toe to hit TALK.
  • Always care a small pair of scissors in your purse just in case this happens to you and learn to use them with either hand.
  • Always and I mean every time - buy a bustier with a trap door – fasteners, ties, pull cord - ANYTHING – never assume that you will be able to get out of it without surgery.
  • Most importantly, beware - Spandex is a miracle fabric but it CAN be deadly sometimes if you don't know what you are getting into - literally.

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The Description and Purpose of a Bustier on Wikipedia

Oh Sure - Now I Find Out

Now Why Didn't I See This First?


Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 27, 2011:

I indeed feel your pain, Harvey~~~

Harvey Stelman from Illinois on November 26, 2011:

A, You wouldn't believe how much they were pushed up and out. An "A" cup can look like a "D." Man can a guy be faked out. H

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 26, 2011:

That's hysterical, Harvey - I hope you weren't trying on their is a dangerous affair~~~

Harvey Stelman from Illinois on November 26, 2011:

A, Years ago I went out with a few Playboy Bunnies, and you think you had it rough. H

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 22, 2011:

Eddy - thanks for the read - and glad the sun came out~~

Eiddwen from Wales on November 22, 2011:

What a brilliantly bright story and as soon as I was reading the sun came out and is still doing so.

Wonderful and take care.


Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 18, 2010:

Wayne, it's like I always say....I can't go any place it seems without causing a scene....whether someone actually sees it or not! Bob was very perplexed when I came out sweating and red in the face. He was most likely wondering who was in the dressing room with me - not a soul except Mr. Spandex!

It reminded me of that Jane Russell gig with her living bra and how it was killing her. I thought I'd meet my maker in Spandex and it was not a pretty sight. I glare at body shapers every time I see one. I think I need a body snatcher rather than a body shaper to be honest.

Thanks for the tour down memory lane with me and my Spandex nightmare!

Wayne Brown from Texas on December 18, 2010:

So that was you in that dressing room tape I watched on YouTube last week! Wow! You were stuck! This is something my wife would have gotten me involved in and we both would have ended up stuck and screaming for help. Thanks for sharing! WB

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 20, 2010:

MMP - Thanks for laughing with me - one of my most embarrassing moments ever! I still shudder when I see those things hanging INNOCENTLY on the racks. I think they are mocking me!

MyMastiffPuppies on November 20, 2010:

What a wonderfully funny story! I needed a good laugh today and you succeeded! Very brave sharing your story, and I am quite sure you are not alone when it comes to getting stuck in something spandex. Glad you were able to live to tell about it! Voted up, funny, awesome and beautiful...

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 18, 2010:

Papernotes - It always pays to be sexy - no matter what it costs me and it always costs me dearly. Somehow as lovely as Lucille Ball was, she was just a comedic moment waiting to happen and that's exactly the story of my life it seems. I start out great and suave and sophisticated and before I know it - wham - I'm in a Lucy moment. But it's all good - keeps my family and friends laughing - and me, too. Nothing like a good laugh I always say. Thanks so much for sharing yet another of mine.

PaperNotes on November 18, 2010:

Your hub was very entertaining, hilarious if I may say. Yet very much full of information and insights. It pays to be sexy, I therefore conclude!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 07, 2010:

Thanks for stopping by, matju71 - it was an experience, I'll give you that!

matju71 on November 07, 2010:

very good and nice experience..

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 02, 2010:

Actually Freya, here they give you floating belts and all that so you CAN'T sink - you should try it - much easier on your body in general but especially your bones and joints. If I didn't have the flotation things on, I'd sink like a stone!

Freya Cesare from Borneo Island, Indonesia on November 02, 2010:

Yes, jogging in the water is better then jogging in the land. I wish I can do that, but I can't swim. :D or I can swim but only in one way, rock style. Fall deep right into the bottom and never float. :D

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 02, 2010:

Freya - Now why do I think this could happen to me? That is hilarious! Not about the dress of course - we never want to ruin a good pretty dress!!

Glad you enjoyed the read and good luck with the jogging...I am definitely not of a mind to do that but I guess jogging underwater counts, eh? It is the worst class I've ever taken though to be honest although jogging in the water definitely beats jogging on land in my humble opinion!

Freya Cesare from Borneo Island, Indonesia on November 01, 2010:

Hahaha! I know exactly how you feel.

I kind of having my weight up lately and my dress need to resize which I still do not want to do it yet because I prefer to reshaping myself back to the old me. Anyway, I tried to put myself inside one of my dress the other day which terribly tight for my shape right now while there is no zipper to help me in. I managed to came in but not able to came out. It stacked with both of my arms pinned to my head by the dress, until I heard,"breeet" when I pulled it away from me by forced. Duh! I ripped my beautiful dress and hurt my back when I pulled it. I really need to start jog again!

Funny story, dear. Thank you for the laugh.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on October 06, 2010:

Mysterylady - good to have you along for the ride - I do love writing about my comedic moments because they seem to just happen to me a LOT! Glad to make you smile as that is one of my favorite things in the world...making someone laugh.

Kim - You probably know me well enough by now to know if it can happen to anyone, it'll happen to ME! I think I'm a magnet for these things but it's all good. I have a good sense of humor - you have to when you're me! Thanks for the read!

kaltopsyd from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA on October 06, 2010:

Ms. Audrey, you certainly have the most interesting stories! hahaha. Stuck in a spandex tube. How do you always manage to get into such situations? This was a fun read... as usual... :)

mysterylady 89 from Florida on October 06, 2010:

I have learned that if I want a good laugh to visit you! This was hilarious! I vaguely recall a story about a friend who had to cut herself out of her girdle.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on September 14, 2010:

Thanks LS for the read and the wonderful compliment - I love writing about the crazy events I seem to always have fluttering through my life!

Lori Colbo from United States on September 14, 2010:

That was totally hilarious. You write a good story. Am going to be reading more of your hubs. Great Job!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 22, 2010:

Cheri - You are more than welcome! Glad I could give you a good laugh...that is my goal!

Cheri Schultz from Midwest on August 22, 2010:

I was just surfing hubpages looking for some interesting topics and lo and behold I found your story. I am telling you I haven't laughed that hard in a long time - I have tears rolling down my face. The strange thing about this story is that I had a similar thing happen to me when I was trying on one of those THINGS... It takes your breath away and you cannot move - period. Thank for you a GREAT gut laugh!!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 01, 2010:

Thanks for dropping in, lovekv.

lovekv on August 01, 2010:

o my dear,,,,,,,,i like it or u

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 16, 2010:

Surely not - and the things we do to look better - it just amazes me....I started carrying a little pocket scissors with me although I would be totally embarrassed to have to carry my cut-off garment out to the sales clerk! I think seriously they should post a warning label on them....may try to strangle you when you put this on - or wearing this may be hazardous to your health - it must be to our boobs! Thanks for commenting, Shellie....

theherbivorehippi from Holly, MI on May 16, 2010:

LMAO....let's talk about that I use to have to bartend in these things. Try bending over into coolers all night with metal piping digging into your ribs. I swear I didn't breathe some nights. lol Who created these things????!!! Surely not a female!!

Marie Ryan from Andalusia, Spain on January 29, 2010:

That was so funny and I agree! What we girls put ourselves through in the eternal quest for the perfect body!

Annie4 on January 21, 2010:

Very funny. What we put ourselves through to hold everything in place! I swear those things are like an iron lung. Glad you got out alive. All the best!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 28, 2009:

You are SO kind....I wish I could! The saddest thing of all is that every one of these stories happened/happens to just keeps on following me! I live my life for laughing though so guess it'll always be there in some form. Thanks so much for the kudos - every Lucille Ball needs an audience! Happy New Year....Audrey

Richard Bivins from Charleston, SC on December 28, 2009:

A scene right out of a sitcom and if not, it should be, people pay good money to see stuff like Very funny Audrey as most of your stories are. You really should be writing for a sitcom.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 12, 2009:

I actually just laughed about it later as in what else would I expect? My friends say it is like knowing a real live Lucille Ball - sometimes things just seem to 'happen' to me and since laughter and laughing at myself seem to go hand in hand....I just wrote it off. I think I looked okay after all that! But it gave me more to write about I guess and I have a million of 'em...thanks so much for stopping by. Audrey

Feline Prophet on December 12, 2009:

Gosh, I can breathe again!:P

That was a very entertaining hub! And funny though it was, I really feel for you - that must have been a traumatising experience! Hope you looked like a dream at the wedding anyway! :)

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 10, 2009:

Thanks for stopping by - my life - a comedy waiting to happen!

xunlei on December 10, 2009:

TOO funny! Thanks ?

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 09, 2009:

Unfortunately I have many more LIKE it but not the same...thank goodness! My life seems to be one comedic moment after the other but that is good! Laughter is the best medicine. Thanks for stopping by and glad you enjoyed it. Audrey (love your avatar)

bekaze from Germany on December 09, 2009:

thx for bringing up such story. gee, you made me laughing loud. hope you will not experience this again though. :)

rajat D from pune on December 07, 2009:

nice story.good.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 06, 2009:

I know - we all want so badly to be 'perfect' and that is the hardest part of all I guess. We probably are giving our kids the wrong messages as well! I know every time I pass Spandex these days I kinda cringe and shudder! Thanks for stopping by - and you would think we would learn, eh? I had to put the man's slimmer on there because I didn't even KNOW they had husband just looked at me when he looked at the hub and said 'yeah right!' Guess they probably have the better idea. Audrey

Kate Swanson from Sydney on December 06, 2009:

I loved this Hub because I've been there too. Not quite as bad, thankfully, but it's happened to me a couple of times (you'd think I'd learn after the first time...).

The problem is, corsets went out of fashion before I was old enough to wear one, so I've spent most of my life without giving spandex a thought. The so-called "comfortable" new body shapers sounded like a handy solution to my recently acquired middle-aged spread, but like you, I haven't come across one that's "comfortable" yet.

On a more serious note, I wonder what we all burned our bras for in the sixties and seventies. Seems like young girls are squeezing and squashing their bodies and their feet into unnatural shapes again, just like the 1950s.

Ivorwen from Hither and Yonder on December 05, 2009:

Thank you for the warning! I am laughing so hard right now, because I have a tendency to get stuck in the dumbest places... like clothing. I remember once thinking I could slip a dress off over my head -- it was loose -- until I tried.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 05, 2009:

Exactly~! Film at 11 is what I was thinking - Bob kept saying why didn't you call someone - HELLO! I seriously think they should have warning labels on some of these things - for pete's sake if they put them on plastic bags and say don't put them over your head...duh - why aren't they on these contraptions? Whew - skated by another disaster is all I can say but thanks so much for stopping by - and love your pic! Audrey

Squarix from Illinois on December 05, 2009:

Hehehehe, you've got me laughing so hard! Thank you for this awesome hub!

I can say I've experienced similar fashion horror stories, as well. I have the bad habit of picking out undergarments that are too small for me. I always panic that I'll get stuck - I almost have a few times! How embarrassing would that be to call the store assistant to come and help me out of the damn thing?

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 04, 2009:

Yes, I still have nightmares when I go into the lingerie department and see those things myself! Thanks for stopping by...Audrey

White Russian on December 03, 2009:

Thanks for sharing your ordeal, highly entertaining! However, I will hold you accountable for the nightmare I'll likely have tonight as your words painted vivid imagery in my noggin... but it was me in that dressing room! Funny!!!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 03, 2009:

Thanks - at the time it was even funny but now that I am 'free' - it is better!

Bail Up ! on December 02, 2009:

Oh lord, that was too funny!

Camlo De Ville from Cologne, Germany on December 02, 2009:

Fabulous! I'm almost tempted to write about it myself :-) You've really set my imagination off ...

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 02, 2009:

Yes - I can see it all now.....911 - we have an emergency - some old lady is stuck in the dressing room with a bustier on she can't get off....a WHAT? Is that an animal or an object? Good lord - then news at 11! I always wanted to be famous but not quite that way. Thanks so much for stopping by....Audrey

Camlo De Ville from Cologne, Germany on December 02, 2009:

Hi! Really enjoyed reading this. And it really had me laughing.

I'm sorry to say it, but it would have been even funnier had you NOT managed to get the thing off :-) For me, anyway ...

Good Hub!

All the best, Camlo

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 29, 2009:

Yes, experience is the best teacher - in all things across the board.

Michelle Simtoco from Cebu, Philippines on November 29, 2009:

You are drawing it beautifully into your experience then. LOL That is wonderful!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 29, 2009:

Oh my - thank you! I think I could write about these crazy experiences in my life for years and still have more to life seems to be one moment of laughter after another! Thanks again. Audrey

Michelle Simtoco from Cebu, Philippines on November 29, 2009:

Hi Audrey, hahahahahah I can just imagine you there trying to get out like crazy hahahahahaha Stories like these don't just stay in the dressing room and the Hubnuggets Team loved it as well. So congratulations for this hub making it on the Hubnuggets List this week. Yipeeee! Check it out: Keep laughing and enjoying life and all its craziest moments and the Hubnuggets! Blessings..

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 29, 2009:

Yes - one of my most embarrassing moments and there are enough to keep writing about! The wedding went fine after all that - thankfully. I guess I also got the added benefit of a work-out in the fitting room! Thanks for stopping in....Audrey

ralwus on November 29, 2009:

Hahaha, like being swallowed by an Anaconda huh? How did the wedding go then? Great story of fits in the fitting room.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 27, 2009:

Exactly - my motto now is try and avoid Spandex at every turn so to speak! At least if I have to wear it, make sure there is a trap door....thanks so much for stopping by....Audrey

Duchess OBlunt on November 27, 2009:

This was absolutely delightful! Such an honest look at life in a girdle! Hat's off to you for sharing this, and may you never see another one in your lifetime!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 24, 2009:

Then he might be definitely interested in that 'man's bustier gizmo I added on Amazon~! That would be hilarious!!! You should have gotten a pic and posted it on one of your hubs. Thanks for tagging me. Audrey

Holle Abee from Georgia on November 24, 2009:

TOO funny!! My husband wore one several years ago to a Halloween party. He was the Tooth Fairy - black chest hairs poking through the lacy white bustier. Scary sight!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 23, 2009:


successfulblogger from Los Angeles,Ca on November 23, 2009:

Nice hub.

Nell Rose from England on November 23, 2009:

I know the feeling, If i ever try to be glamourous I just end up being the clown every time, oh well never mind we can but try!!. thanks again. Nell

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 23, 2009:

You made me laugh all over again~! It's kinda what happens wherever I happen to be. I have a friend who calls me the modern version of Lucille Ball. Somehow I gave up on being the femme fatale a long while back!

Nell Rose from England on November 23, 2009:

Ha ha ha ha ha ha brilliant! I have got tears in my eyes from laughing so much! that was the funniest thing I have heard for ages and ages and ages...i just got myself together and then you mentioned the rip cord and I started again. you should be on the stage, I will go to bed laughing now! thanks for that it made my day! Nell

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