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Quotes by Famous Comedians


Finding Humor in Life

They say that laughter is the best medicine, and research studies have proven this to be true. A sense of humor and plenty of laughter has been shown to have positive health effects and strengthens the immune system. Humor can also help lessen pain, reduce stress, and boost energy levels.

Not only do laughter and humor help you stay physically healthy, they make you emotionally healthy as well. Laughter can help bring a small bright spot to someone's cloudy day, or it can give someone just the courage they need for that big moment in life. Seriously, can't you think of more than once when laughter just really made your day?

People love quotes, and what better laughter medicine than through some funny quotes. As with most people, You are sure to find some funny life quotes by some of our top comedians that may inspire you or ring true about you or someone you know.


Carlton's Quote Corner


Lucille Ball

~ I'm not funny. What I am is brave. ~

~ Ability is of little account without opportunity. ~

~ In life, all good things come hard, but wisdom is the hardest to come by. ~

~ I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done. ~

~ The more things you do, the more you can do. ~

~ You see much more of your children once they leave home.~

~ The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. ~

~ I think knowing what you cannot do is more important than knowing what you can. ~

~ I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line. ~

~ Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world. ~


Quotes about Family

George Carlin

~ One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. ~

~ Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. ~

~ One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. ~

~ One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.~

~ The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. ~

~ Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.~

~ Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.~

~ Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. ~

~ The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. ~

~ Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.~

~ Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. ~

~ Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ~


Courage Quotes

Ellen DeGeneres

~ Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log. ~

~ Go to bed in your fireplace, you'll sleep like a log. ~

~ Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and just run away. ~

~ People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.~

~ Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.~

~ Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off. ~

~ Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others. ~

~ You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. ~

~ Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the [butt]. Don't take anyone's advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine. ~

~ Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that. ~

~ Life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they'll, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with. ~


Youth Quotes

Bob Hope

~ Your ignorance cramps my conversation. ~

~ Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.~

~ You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it. ~

~ Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. ~

~ Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. ~

~ You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~

~ If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~

~ A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn? ~

~ I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom. ~

~ I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. ~

~ She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. ~

~ When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.~


Great Quotes by Aristotle

Lily Tomlin

~ We're all in this alone. ~

~ We are all in this together, by ourselves. ~

~ The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~

~ For fast-acting relief try slowing down. ~

~ What is reality, anyway? Just a collective hunch. ~

~ The road to success is always under construction. ~

~ Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination. ~

~ Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.~

~ Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. ~

~ Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. ~

~ The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. ~

~ No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up. ~

~ If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? ~

~ It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.~

~ I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~

~ I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework. ~

~ Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? ~

~ Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. ~


The Best of Bob Marley Quotes

Bill Cosby

~ Old is always fifteen years from now. ~

~ When you become senile, you won't know it. ~

~ Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing. ~

~ A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice. ~

~ I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.~

~ Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. ~

~ The three ingredients of a successful union between two: humor, commitment & undying love. ~

~ Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy. ~

~ Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think -- in a deeper voice.~

~ In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. ~

~ Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries. ~

~ Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework. ~

~ You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it. ~


Robin Williams

~ You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.~

~ Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs. ~

~ Do you think God gets stoned? I think so, look at the platypus. ~

~ Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose. ~

~ No matter what anybody tells you, words & ideas can change the world. ~

~ Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. ~

~ God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. ~

Jim Carrey

~ A lot of good love can happen in ten years. ~

~ But, you know, you can't be a star at home. ~

~ Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. ~

~ Either you're the one erasing or you're the one being erased. ~

~ If you've got a talent, protect it. ~

~ I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful. ~

~ It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what's left? ~

~ Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them. ~

~ Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting.~

~ I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, 'Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it.' ~

Various Comedians Quotes

~ There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. ~Chris Rock

~ A man is only as faithful as his options. ~Chris Rock

~ If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty. ~Chris Rock

~ Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.~Caroline Rhea

Rodney Dangerfield

~ Life is just a bowl of pits. ~

~ My mother had morning sickness after I was born. ~

~ If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. ~

~ I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. ~

~ My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. ~

~ I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. ~

~ When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. ~

~ I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. ~

~ I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.~

~ I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. ~

~ I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. ~

~ It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. ~

~ We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations, we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.~

Jeff Foxworthy

~ Nothing in life prepares you to be famous. ~

~ I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. ~

~ Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? ~

~ Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been givin' me lately. ~

~ You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more. ~

~ Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. ~

~ Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work. ~

~ Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it. ~

~ My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family. ~


George Burns

~ Life's but a day at most. ~

~ Be quick to learn and wise to know. ~

~ Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.~

~ Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life. ~

~ Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ~

~ If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. ~

~ I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate. ~

~ Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up. ~

~ First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. ~

~ You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. ~


Phyllis Diller

~ Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ~

~ Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. ~

~ You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. ~

~ A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. ~

~ You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. ~

~It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.~

~What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.~

~ Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. ~

~ I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. ~

~ Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. ~

~ Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. ~

Johnny Carson

~ People will pay more to be entertained than educated. ~

~ I was so naïve as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. ~

~ If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.~

~ The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. ~

~ For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. ~

~ Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. ~

~ Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. ~

~ I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. ~


Joan Rivers

~ Before we make love my husband takes a painkiller. ~

~ I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. ~

~ I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. ~

~ I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.~

~ I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. ~

~ People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. ~

~ I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. ~

Jerry Seinfeld

~ Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. ~

~ Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. ~

~ I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?~

~ A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. ~

~ You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out". ~

~ Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. ~

~ Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. ~


Janeane Garofalo

~ Is being an idiot like being high all the time? ~

~ I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness. ~

~ To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first. ~

~ I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. ~


Milton Berle

~ Laughter is an instant vacation. ~

~ I live to laugh, and I laugh to live. ~

~ If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. ~

~ A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. ~

~ Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. ~

~ If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? ~

~ We owe a lot to Thomas Edison, if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. ~


Mel Brooks

~ He who hesitates is poor. ~

~ Humor is just another defense against the universe.~

~ Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love.~

~ If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. ~

~ Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said. ~

~ Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you. ~

~ If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively. ~

~ You're always a little disappointing in person because you can't be the edited essence of yourself. ~

~ As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes. ~

~ Look, I really don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive, you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, you've got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death. ~


Jay Leno

~ Politics is just show business for ugly people. ~

~ You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. ~

~ Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. ~

~ The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. ~

~ Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? ~


Groucho Marx

~ Humor is reason gone mad.~

~ Whatever it is, I'm against it.~

~ Do you mind if I don't smoke? ~

~ Blood's not thicker than money. ~

~ I intend to live forever, or die trying. ~

~ A man's only as old as the woman he feels. ~

~ Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. ~

~ I must confess, I was born at a very early age. ~

~ I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are. ~

~ A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. ~

~ I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~

~ Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. ~

~ She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.~

~ I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that. ~

~ No man goes before his time, unless the boss leaves early. ~

~ I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. ~

~ Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. ~

~ One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. ~

~ Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed. ~

~ In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. ~

~ I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. ~

~ I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.~


~ Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. ~

~ Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~

~ A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. ~

~ A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. ~

~ If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. ~

~ Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. ~

~ Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. ~


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Shana Hurt (author) from Boonville on December 07, 2010:

I'm glad you enjoyed it! It was a fun article to research. Thanks for reading!

Stephanie Henkel from USA on December 06, 2010:

Thanks for a great laugh. I feel healthier already!

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