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Genuine Hilarious American Court Case Quotes


These quotes are from a book called 'Disorder in the Courts of America', and are actual things people said in court, quoted word for word by reporters present at the time, who were challenged to stay calm and not fall about laughing whilst these exchanges were taking place.

The quotes here are not new to the Internet, but I am guessing many of my Hub friends may not have seen them before and will appreciate the chance to enjoy the laughs as much as I did when I was first given them.


Attorney: Are you sexually active?

Witness: No, I just lie there.

Attorney: What is your date of birth?

Witness: July 18th.

Attorney: What year?

Witness: Every year.

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?

Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

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Attorney: How long has he lived with you?

Witness: Forty-five years.

Attorney: What was the first thing your Husband said to you that morning?

Witness: He said, "Where am I Cathy?"

Attorney: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Susan.

Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

Witness: We both do.

Attorney: voodoo?

Witness: We do.

Attorney: You do?

Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Attorney: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Witness: Uh, he's twenty-one.

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Witness: Would you repeat the question?

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?

Witness: Uh...

Attorney: She had three children right?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: How many were boys?

Witness: None.

Attorney: Were there any girls?


Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?

Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Attorney: Was this a male or a female?

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

Witness: Oral.

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Witness: The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m.

Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Witness: Huh?

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on May 13, 2012:

You are very welcome Rathod, so pleased this made you laugh too :)

Rathod Sudhir on May 13, 2012:

Last Case.. Epic Reply !!


Thanks for the wonderful Laugh :) ..

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on September 13, 2010:

Thanks hospitalera, glad you enjoyed these too :)

hospitalera on September 13, 2010:

They are great, especially the last one ;-) Thanks for the laugh, SY

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on May 03, 2009:

Thanks Sweetiepie, I crack up laughing every time I read these :)

SweetiePie from Southern California, USA on May 02, 2009:

This is funny. Sounds like typical lawyers.

Madison Parker from California on November 20, 2008:

gwendymom from Oklahoma on November 19, 2008:

YW, Cindy.

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on November 19, 2008:

Thanks Gwendy :)

gwendymom from Oklahoma on November 19, 2008:

So funny Misty. Great job as always.

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on November 17, 2008:

Thanks Madison, I crack up laughing every time I read them :)

Madison Parker from California on November 17, 2008:

Those are funny! It's amazing that these same people actually managed to pass the bar!

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 26, 2008:

Hee Hee Misha, I do my best, and I still have more to come, although they are all getting flagged as 'duplicate content', but I never claimed this was unique or my own work, I simply wanted to share the laughs with those who haven't ever seen these before :)

Misha from DC Area on October 26, 2008:

No, not again, you are going to kill me Cindy! Imagine my dying in laugh convulsions :D

Cindy Lawson (author) from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on October 26, 2008:

Thanks Starrkissed :)

starrkissed from Arizona on October 26, 2008:


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