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Gay Roosters

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While serving my first sentence as a married man I felt the need for that particular fresh air of freedom one can only find in smokey nightclubs in the company of good friends. Though my acquaintance with alcohol at the time was only a nodding one, I was fortunate to become friends with a man to whom alcohol was mother’s milk and home was simply a place to recuperate from painful hangovers and have a shower when nightclubs were closed due to their inherent Dracula like fear of sunlight.

Dean was a drunkard and a gambler who never worked a single day in his life, but possessed so much charm that you could not hold it against him, even if you wanted to. I met him at a friend’s restaurant, where my friend introduced us and it was one of those unusual cases whereby lifelong friendships are formed at first handshake. We hit it off immediately and Dean, shocked at my lack of association with hard liquor, decided to take me under his wing and to educate me, so he soon became one of my three very close and dear friends with whom I would meet almost on a daily basis.

Breakfast was an unknown meal to Dean, as he would get up at around noon every day and go straight to lunch. The occasional generosity of a rich mother made it possible for him to live a life where “breakfast” would always be at restaurants open only for lunch and licensed to serve alcohol.

Think of “bad boys” in novels, think of carefree and careless heroes in films, or in fact, to make it easier, think of Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca” but with a smile, and you will have a picture of my friend Dean.

He introduced me to all the nightclubs in our city and everyone who was part of the nightlife, absolutely everyone knew him and through him I got to know the gangsters and gentlemen of the evening. One of the things that ruled him out of serious consideration as an investment banker was his generosity, which ensured that every slimy creature of the night also knew him, as he was always an easy touch for a loan whenever he had money left over from his gambling.

Dean owned a lot of land which he had inherited from his grandfather and pieces of which he would occasionally sell to supplement his gambling expenses; so, influenced by an accidental viewing of “Little House on the Prairie”, he decided to go into raising cattle. His thinking on the matter had a measure of logic, though it was logic not altogether infallible.

Cattle are known to be early risers and require breakfast at around 5 a.m. So, thought Dean, since he usually went home from the nightclubs at around 5 a.m. in any case, he would feed the animals and then go to bed. A perfect arrangement for all concerned, so he built barns and living accommodations at one of his plots of land and imported young steers, by airplane mind you, from the UK.

The weak link in his thinking soon became apparent. Dean would, indeed, go home at 5 a.m. every morning as usual, but the difference was that he was too drunk to feed the animals. The result was that the animals were sold, the barns remained empty and Dean moved back into his town apartment.

However, his huge alcohol powered brain could not resist thinking of ways to utilise the barns, so he decided to buy and raise chicks for the sake of producing free range eggs for sale to discerning families. So he began asking around about who might provide him with the necessary hen chicks to be the scouts or guinea pigs of this new business experiment.

One of the parasites who infested the nightlife was a creature who sold flowers at all the nightclubs and drove around to all clubs in a brand new Mercedes, bought from the proceeds of his flower business. Flowers he stole nightly from local cemeteries and sold to us at princely sums when we were accompanied by ladies whom we wanted to court and impress, so he could certainly afford to buy a luxury car. He assured Dean that he was able to provide the necessary seed to the new business venture and soon supplied 50 tiny little chicks.

In true Dean Fashion, the chicks were taken to the farm and let loose in one of the huge barns, with sacks of food open for easy access and water dispensers strategically placed. He would go about once a week to change the water.

About six months later he came to me with his tragic story. Six months was how long it took for the scales to fall from his eyes and realise that out of the 50 chicks the flower merchant had provided, only one had turned out to be a hen. The other 49 were roosters, eating him out of house and home, without the possibility of ever producing a single egg. And not only that Dean said, they appeared to have turned gay.

We agreed that the extreme sacrifice had to be made and that I should help him in corralling the free-loaders through a scientific roundup and then take them to a local slaughter house and distribute the resulting produce to friends and relatives for purses of gold which were to be used in our nightly outings.

We drove to the farm and even today I shudder at the memory of what met my gaze upon entering the barn. A scene which would have brought a blush to the cheek of the most liberal of critics and which immediately became engraved on my brain ensured that I now knew what Sodom and Gomorrah must have been like.

Consider the scene in a calm and unbiased spirit if you would: Besides a single hen merrily and indifferently pecking away to her heart’s content, 49 Dashing Young Lochinvar rooster fellows appeared to have acquired a preference for “the love whose name is not spoken”, if one might paraphrase Lord Alfred Douglas.

“Let my lusts be my ruin, then, since all else is a fake and a mockery” they appeared to shout in unison, while jumping each other with a persistence and a gay abandon which was incredible to watch. One had the impression that there were not many things which could have diverted their attention from their preoccupation.

I am loath to speak ill of any of God’s creatures and particular of a rooster, one of the symbols of male power, but it is no use trying to conceal the fact from you that these particular specimens had no consideration for one’s sensitive nature. I did not feel at that moment that the world was a fit place for heroes to live in, I can tell you.

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It would be idle to deny that the scene was not for the sensitive male gaze and though one could be tolerant of private acts between consenting adults, one could hardly bear the blow of such a public display which certainly precluded any overt gestures of friendship and brotherhood towards the participants.

The De Greeks might be men of a gentle disposing but they also have strong decisive and dominating natures possibly like Leonidas on the day he led the 300 against the Persians, so we wasted no time in beginning to collect the immodest specimens before us.

The idea was to tie two birds together by the legs, thereby rendering them incapable of running all over the place and then to put all of them in Deans truck for the final trip to the slaughter house. We had no thought of offering them a last wish, as we thought they had enough for one day.

We soon realised that we had not brought string with us, essential for the success of our strategy of tying two birds together. We looked around and collected bits and pieces of left over wire and used that to tie their legs together while we went after the next batch of candidates. However, we were not prepared for the power of true love. As soon as we put them down, the birds would flutter around a bit, the wire would come loose and they would immediately jump on each other again while we were chasing our next two contenders all over the place. It was not a speedy operation.

At the cost of sprained ankles, the operation had a satisfactory conclusion (not for the roosters) and the local slaughter place promised to have them ready, clean and packaged for us next day.

It now fell to us to sell our produce so I undertook that role because my sister worked for an airline in the accounting section which I knew was packed with potential clients. I knew all the girls there so I described the story to them and offered the birds for sale to an audience that was laughing at our misadventure and at the roosters’ personal preferences.

One of the girls, to tease me, asked if the birds were safe to consume, since becoming intimate with the birds private affairs through consumption she might also become that way inclined. I assured her that her position was carrying caution too far, but in any case we thought of the possibility and had taken the necessary steps. We are offering a free jar of Vaseline with every rooster.

Dimitris Mita

De Greek


My thanks to:

JamaGenee & Nellieanna,

Cris A


De Greek (author) from UK on November 21, 2010:

It's all true SB. No imagination required here :-)

Zsuzsy Bee from Ontario/Canada on November 21, 2010:

What a hoot, you are one funny dude, Sir De Greek, this is laugh out loud stuff, really hilarious. So sad that it took me this long to get to read it.

great hub I love it

kindest regards Zsuzsy

De Greek (author) from UK on September 14, 2010:

This WOULD appeal to your poetic nature epigramman :-))

epigramman on September 14, 2010:


De Greek (author) from UK on July 09, 2010:

Glad you liked it geegee./ Thank you for stopping by :-)

geegee77 from The Lone Star State!! on July 08, 2010:

That story was hilarious, thanks for the good laugh:)

De Greek (author) from UK on May 29, 2010:

Ah.. so YOU are chump who keeps reversing into things :-)))

Talons of Liberty from Cleveland, OH on May 29, 2010:

Very funny...I could relate to parts of the story. Reminds me of my wife's story about the lesbian cows...

Shadesbreath from California on May 17, 2010:

Nice save. :D

De Greek (author) from UK on May 17, 2010:

Cactus :-)))

Shadesbreath from California on May 17, 2010:

What kind of flower are you? lol

De Greek (author) from UK on May 17, 2010:

Shades, the De Greeks may be men of steel on the outside, but deep down we are really sensive flowers. You SHOULD know by now how much I respect your opinion, so any such comments from you makes our head swell to beyond its normal size eight hat size. You are too kind, THANK YOU! :-))

Shadesbreath from California on May 17, 2010:

Dude! This is hilarious. From the line about your acquaintance with alcohol being only a nodding one, I knew this would be fantastic and it didn't fail to deliver. Actual laugh out loud stuff, which is rare for me, honestly. I love the voice you create in this. This might be my favorite of yours so far. I see I'm behind a few though, so I have some fun ahead. Let's see if you can top this! (You probably could have got this published in a print magazine.)

De Greek (author) from UK on May 14, 2010:

Thank you Cris! I left you a note in the next story about not marrying a Greek :-)

Cris A from Manila, Philippines on May 14, 2010:

I thought there's something amiss with the word "cockfight". Haha

I'm seriously delighted that you're a prolific writer as to my view, a great writer who is unproductive is tragedy.

De Greek (author) from UK on May 13, 2010:

akirchner, I shall pass on this pearl of wisdom next time the situation arrises :-)))

Thank you! :D

Audrey Kirchner from Washington on May 13, 2010:

I've heard that olive oil works just as well as Vaseline! And probably would add a bit of 'naturalness' to the whole experience!

De Greek (author) from UK on May 13, 2010:

sunflowerbucky, YOU have made my day, child. THANK YOU :D

sunflowerbucky from Small Town, USA on May 13, 2010:

I was laughing out loud when I read this hub, my husband asked what was so funny and I was trying to explain it to him. Apparently my relay of the story was failing because he just looked at me like I had 4 heads. Seriously funny stuff! I know I already commented but I love hubs that can make me laugh out loud!

De Greek (author) from UK on May 13, 2010:

Hi Ginn, thank you for taking the trouble to pass by and to comment :D - The occasional smile makes life so much more pleasant :-))

Ginn Navarre on May 13, 2010:

I love a good story--teller that can add the humor and you nailed it!

I think- (a day without laughter is a day wasted.) THANKS.

De Greek (author) from UK on May 13, 2010:

Tony, Dean has had a wonderful life of "freedom" but at the end, even he has learned to appreciate the wonderful woman he was eventually convinced to marry (in truth he put up quite a fight, but he gave in eventually) and the beautiful 12 year old daughter he has now ended up with.

And please do not demean the Great Experimenters of our story as base "buyers". They were daring explorers, original aviators who just thought it wise to take a parachute with them on their first flight in the form of Vaseline. Just in case :-))))

Tony McGregor from South Africa on May 13, 2010:

Hilarious and a touch sad too. I don't know whether my sadness is at Dean's eventual fate or the desperation those poor cocks must have felt! LOL!

Our great social commentator and comedian(-enne)Pieter Dirk Uys, otherwise known as Evita Bezuidenhout, once said, "Hipocrasy is the Vaseline of political intercourse," but I'm not sure of the political awareness of the buyers of your cocks?

Anyway thank for a great read!

Love and peace


De Greek (author) from UK on May 12, 2010:

Your life is just great child and it is as it should be. The life that Dean lived and which I tasted a little, is not for you and you do not loose anything by not experiencing it. BELIEVE ME :-)

sunflowerbucky from Small Town, USA on May 12, 2010:

I love your stories! I am really thinking I live a boring and sheltered life! Thanks so much for allowing me to experience such gusto vicariously!

De Greek (author) from UK on May 12, 2010:

Why do I feel so much pleasure at your comments, Habee? :D

Holle Abee from Georgia on May 12, 2010:

Too funny! Another gem, my friend. I think everyone needs a Byronic hero for a pal, but not to go into business with!

De Greek (author) from UK on May 12, 2010:

It's times when you make a comment like you did on "Only for Christians?" that you capture hearts and you should be careful :-))

Katie McMurray from Ohio on May 12, 2010:

De Greek, It's times like these I wish you weren't such a wordsmith. I had to know the outcome. it is without reason...but I'm so glad I'm a Vegetarian... Thanks and Peace :)

De Greek (author) from UK on May 11, 2010:

Well, Jane, we HAD thought of bringing over the New York Philarmonic to keep them amused, but wiser thoughts prevaled. And EVERYBODY likes Dean:-))

Jane Bovary from The Fatal Shore on May 11, 2010:

I can understand the roosters turning gay, but did they have to be so enthusiastic about it? Still, lock any group of males in a barn for a week with a sack of grain and a water trough and who knows what might happen!

Smoothly written as always De Greek. I think I would have liked Dean.

De Greek (author) from UK on May 11, 2010:

@ Merlin, thanks for passing by. As for the gay ads, what did you expect with a title like this? :-))

@ Green Lotus, my favourite girl, there is no free luch:-) Thank you for thinking of me and for passing by :-)

@ akirchner, in teh UK you can find pubs named after cocks, meaning of course roosters. Not too many years ago blue collar workers would address someone as cock, as they do today "mate".

@ Hypno, there wasno discrimination. She joined the others and became someone's lunch. We did have peopel coming back later asking for more f the same (as they were very tasty apparntly) but als... :-) Thank you for passing by.

CMHypno from Other Side of the Sun on May 11, 2010:

What did you do with the hen that was left De Greek? Did she ever get a boyfriend to produce eggs with?

Audrey Kirchner from Washington on May 11, 2010:

Good lord - wonderful writing and I almost feel sorry for the poor roosters; they were driven to it! Dean sounds like a classic and you tell the story so well I can almost live it and laugh with you though at the time it must have been mortifying. Bob and I on a trip to the coast once came upon a bar and took picture after picture of it, laughing outrageously. It was called the Red Cock. We just couldn't stop laughing about it - I guess it shows how easily special ed folks are entertained. At any rate, on returning from our trip with pictures for everyone (thinking we'd even have it printed up as postcards) - everyone just looked at us in stunned silence...'you think this is funny?' Oh well - guess you had to be there! It could have been the beer on second thought....

Hillary from Atlanta, GA on May 11, 2010:

As a liberal I have to side with the roosters and express my dismay at such discriminatory treatment. If cocks could talk I'm sure they'd have a thing or two to say in their defense besides cock-a-doodle-do-me.

Merlin Fraser from Cotswold Hills on May 11, 2010:

Hi De Greek,

Yet another hilarious adventure from the past.

I too had a friend like Dean in my life but fortunately for me he seemed to lack Dean's imagination !

Hate to bring it to your attention but did you notice that the adverts at the side of your Hub have a distinctive Gay slant to them !

De Greek (author) from UK on May 11, 2010:

Then, Young Kimberly (or Kimberky -you really must make up your mind about how to spell your name), please give me the names of the other 9, as I like to read huour :-)

Thank you for passing by :-)

kimberlyslyrics on May 11, 2010:

You tuly are on the top 10 list of the funniest people I know. Greatest talents to have, to be able to make others laugh.

I so enjoy your writing

Thank you


De Greek (author) from UK on May 10, 2010:

@ i scribe, thank you for passing by and for your kind words..:-)

@ BJ, I can't wait :-) Just let me know when it's ready becasue for some reason I don't get all the notices for new hubs by teh people I follow :-)

BJBenson from USA on May 10, 2010:

After reading your hub, and I had read another story similar when I first started hubbing , that made me decide I need to write a hub about my cows. So please keep watch because it may be ready in a few days. I so hope it will be worthy of the mighty DE GREEK.

i scribble on May 10, 2010:

This is the best thing I've seen from you in a while, maybe ever. Entertaining, charming and well written. For a while, I thought your friend Dean was going to be the Gay "rooster". Then I was afraid the poor hen was going to be ganged up on and killed by the others, one way or another. You kept me guessing.

Actually, I have heard of gay birds. And birds with attention deficit. I suspect the same is true throughout the animal kingdom. You know why your friend got 49 roosters out of 50? Normally, they kill the rooster chicks unless they are breeders. They can't lay eggs and they're not as good as hens for eating.

De Greek (author) from UK on May 10, 2010:

Cuz, the wisdom of combining certain words such as cocks and feellings of guys for other guys, might be somewhat questionable at this juncture :-)))))))

I assure you that this is perfect male friendship not at all in teh nature of the roosters described above :-))))

Michael Mitas from Portsmouth on May 10, 2010:

There are things I see when I read. As i worked my way through this piece I recalled vividly your laughter and giggling as a youngster in our home. The laughter of innocence.

I sensed your feelings for Dean were the feelings some guys are never able to have for another guy. You have said it before, something unfathonable but almost unique, an empathy. The vision of the cocks doing their best in a situation of restricted choice made me chuckle too.

For some reason this piece really DID hit the spot. A great story with no malice. An innocence.

Thank you.

De Greek (author) from UK on May 10, 2010:

@ Loriamoore, define "weird" :-)

@ Cuz, "THIS" one you liked? All the others not? :-))

Michael Mitas from Portsmouth on May 10, 2010:

Itakins....POOR HEN!! as if.

Saddlerider.....I suspect what you meant was "anicockle doo"

Heh De Greek, THIS I really enjoyed.....I could hear you giggling as you typed this.....and Dean sounded like my sort of guy.

loriamoore on May 10, 2010:

You are so weird! :-)

De Greek (author) from UK on May 10, 2010:

@ Shalini, I have never doubted about you. Thanks! :-)

@ Steve, nice to see a new face and thank you for commenting.......:-)

@ dbr You are being your usual gracious self. THANK YOU! :-)

@ Brother Sabu, you are late. Our investment keeping you busy?? Thank you for your thought, but roosters are my limit :-)

@ Lorie, In one of the comments above I wrote that Dean has married a truly unique and wonderful girl, who has managed to put some order to his life and other than problems with the lining of his stomach from too much drink. he is fine!. I was best man at his wedding and at the table where we had the wedding dinner (in one of the nightclubs of course) there was a tough guy sitting across the table from me who kept smiling at me. I asked him if we knew each other and he laughed. He turned to Dean smiling all the time and said, still smiling,: De Greek doesn't know me. Dean looked shocked and surprised and reminded who the man was and he was a gangster close friend of Dean who had once dropped a hand grenade into someone's car who did not look at him in a way he liked! I was used to seeing him in dark places and did not recognise him :-))) I was so happy to see him I told him so and we talked about old times all evening :-))

Oh, by the way, Dean was God father to one of my children and he insisted that the Christening be carried out by a priest who was known for killing someone many years previously and was actually known by the name of Father Killer! We never bothered to learn his real name. Dean’s position was that with a father like me and a God father like him, only Father Killer could baptize “Our Boy” :-))

And if you read my profile, you will get my answer to your question about my current wife :-)

@ Brother Saddlerider, my memory goes blank at time when I think of that incident :-)

@ Sally, THANK YOU, you are very kind :-)

Sherri from Southeastern Pennsylvania on May 10, 2010:

Delightful! I read the whole thing with a silly smile that just wouldn't quit. Now my face is sore.

saddlerider1 on May 10, 2010:

Cock a doodle do is all I have to say about this feathered satire, goes to show you even roosters have fun, even to the slaughter house, ewwwwwwwwwwww is right.

Laurel Rogers from Bishop, Ca on May 10, 2010:

Fabulous tale, De Greek!

I can't help but wonder whatever became of Dean.

And I do hope your current marital term is going well!

SteveoMc from Pacific NorthWest on May 10, 2010:

Thank you for an hysterical 'cock of the walk' story. I needed a good laugh this morning.

Shalini Kagal from India on May 10, 2010:

You are an incredible man! I laughed all the way through it and it took me back to the halcyon days of Bertie Wooster and gang! Thank you De Greek for a wonderful read!

De Greek (author) from UK on May 10, 2010:

@ FP, you are cruel! If you will not give me the satisfaction of telling me which are the best/funniest parts, who will??? :-)

@ BJ one wonders at the story hidden behind your comment about cows. Please tell! :-)

BJBenson from USA on May 09, 2010:

Cows were already ruined for me, but now I see this too is possible. Farm animals!!!!

Vaseline too, this was wonderful read.

Feline Prophet on May 09, 2010: you to have a starring role in hilarious romps such as this! :)

De Greek (author) from UK on May 09, 2010:

@ Lee, of course it is a true story down to the sprained ankles and the Vaseline :-)

@ Tatjana, I shudder to think of a world without women. God bless you all I say :-)

@ Jama my looooove! Thank you soooo much for helping me out with this. Nellianna also got burdened with my pestering in my effort to overcome my dyslexia :-) THANK YOU

@ Pam, they never even tried with the hen. You could tell becasue her feathers were untouched, while the roosters back feathers ... ughhh.. don't want to remember :-)

@ diana, thank you for reading my nonsense. And yes Dean was very popular with the ladies, even though he was drunk most of the time. Until he got married to the most wonderful girl you can imagine and lives happily ever after, with only th elining of his stomach giving him problems. And despite the doctor forbidding him drink, whenever we get together even now, the bottle is the first thing that materialises :-)

dianacharles from India on May 09, 2010:

I have been following your hubs for the last couple of weeks. You are just hilarious. Dean sounds like a real charmer.

Pam Roberson from Virginia on May 09, 2010:

Oh the short attention span and impatience of males--man or beast! The "49 Dashing Young Lochinvar rooster fellows appeared to have acquired a preference for “the love whose name is not spoken”" BECAUSE they became bored with waiting in line for the only hen in the yard. :)

Very nice gay stuff here DG! ;)

Joanna McKenna from Central Oklahoma on May 09, 2010:

ROTFL! DG, you couldn't possibly make up such a hilarious story! Priceless! However, like VioletSun, I'll never look at roosters in the same way again. Where DO they tuck that tiny jar of Vaseline? Never mind...I figured it out. Ewwwww... ;D

Tatjana-Mihaela from Zadar, CROATIA on May 09, 2010:

You just answered on my question - "who would this world look like without women"....

Hilarious, De Greek.

Lee A Barton from New Mexico on May 09, 2010:

I know this is a true story. You just can't make up something like this--it had to have really happened! But it does boggle the mind!

Nellieanna Hay from TEXAS on May 09, 2010:

Violet Sun - as they say, "It's complicated." De Greek weaves a story with many layers, like a tapestry.

DG - You've absolutely outdone yourself!! ;)

VioletSun from Oregon/ Name: Marie on May 09, 2010:

I don't think I will see roosters the same way after reading this. A rooster and Vaseline? LOL!

De Greek (author) from UK on May 09, 2010:

@ LUNCH Itakins! :-) Thank you for passing by :-)

@ Nellianna, the world is not fair :-)

Nellieanna Hay from TEXAS on May 09, 2010:

itakins - that's a very valid question! hahaha! Certainly she had all the food and water she needed for the remainder of her spinster life! - Or - did she go to the slaughter with her inattentive male siblings?

itakins from Irl on May 09, 2010:

What a raconteur you are -brilliantly funny story.I love it.I can't help wondering what happened to the poor little hen!

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