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Comedy And Funny Stories: My Funny Story About Payback And Karma

Funny Story About Payback and Karma

When I was a kid, as I have confessed before, I had a few problems.  That might be putting it mildly to be honest. I resented not being 'perfect' like my younger sister and I really got tired of being blamed for everything.

Of course, looking back on it, guilty is as guilty does and I probably deserved most of the blame thrown my way by my grandmother.  She was pretty much raising us while my mother worked.  I might add for those of you who don't know, she was our schizophrenic grandmother.  She could have whole conversations with some guy who wasn't there and she regularly mistook me for him at the most inopportune times.

That said, I did what I thought might make me feel better I suppose and which is really how I feel bullying gets started. I felt picked on or ticked off at what life gave me sometimes so I took it out on who I could and who coincidentally was next in line.....my little sister.

It didn't help much that she was such an easy mark. She never stood up to me or anyone and she never seemed to figure out that I was going to prank her. I would defend her mightily to my death if need be but somehow I couldn't quite resist scaring her.  I really didn't too many evil things to her, but scare her I did at each and every opportunity.

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public domain clip art

Funny Story About Payback and Karma

My favorite attempt to scare the living daylights out of her all started one day when she got chosen by my grandmother to go to the store to get groceries. I don't know what I'd done that day but something obviously bad enough to be made to stay home....so off skipped my sister Dorea with a smug smile perfectly in place on her perfect little face. "Ha I thought - we'll see who's smiling later, sis!"

I calmly plotted my strategy and waited for her return....behind the short hedge row of bushes that separated our property from the house next door. I didn't have long to wait before I heard her skipping down the sidewalk towards home clutching her bag of groceries. I reared up from behind the hedge and went into my best impression of a monster (it was after all just before dark). And I watched with glee as she tossed the bag of groceries high into the air, screamed at the top of her lungs and went screaming and crying into the house.

Too bad I hadn't quite thought this one through all the way (how unusual). Standing right behind me happened to be one EXTREMELY ticked off schizophrenic grandmother who had seen the whole thing and was pointing quite knowingly at the carton of eggs that were now broken and lying in the gutter. I took one good look before she swung the broom and it met up with my thick head. Ooops - not one of my best plans.

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How Payback and Karma Happens

I'm sure you can see by this one story, however, that I was totally justified in trying to prank her at every turn, right? Of course not, but I did a pretty good job of convincing myself that she had it coming. Obviously, raising me was quite a strain on my grandmother who came into her job at the young age of 65. She was by now into her early 70's and not having the time of her life no doubt.

My mother taught piano lessons for a living in people's homes so was on the road a lot traveling hither and yon (mostly yon) wherever the lessons took her. Every once in a while, she would give my grandmother a respite on a Saturday and take either just me or both of us along, I suppose in retrospect to give her mother a few moments of quiet time or more time to talk with her imaginery friends!

I'm not sure why, but the rules were always spelled out this way to us both. We were not to under ANY circumstances ask to use her students' restrooms. If we were dying to go to the bathroom, come hell or high water so to speak, we were to hold it and wait until we left and she could take us to a service station to use the facilities. She felt that somehow this request to use someone's restroom was in severely poor taste, so Dorea and I learned at a young age to just not drink much liquids on our sojourns with my mom and hope we could last as long as it took.

My mother also had a fetish. We could only use Standard gas stations restrooms. No Shell station restroom was good enough for us so just get over it! We quickly figured out that that was just the way things were. On one such Saturday, we'd been to a couple of students' homes and were on our customary trip to the good old Standard station where we would bolt from the car and use the restroom. I was hatching my plan as we neared the station.

I began in earnest to protest "I have to go, I have to go!!!" to which my mother retorted something along the lines of "I'm going as fast as I can!" When she finally brought the car to a halt, I jumped from the car as if I truly was going to wet my pants (which was all just a coverup of course) and sprinted towards the restroom door.

Once inside, I carried out by diabolical plan which was to jump up onto the toilet seat and lay in wait for my poor, stupid, unsuspecting little sister to walk in and open the door, whereupon I was going to scream like a monster and scare the living daylights out of her. Great plan if I do say so myself. I'd had just about enough of her polyanna existence for one week and she had it coming by George!

So with that plan firmly fixed in my pea brain (or pee brain as it were), I threw back the stall door, jumped up onto the toilet seat and prepared to take my position. Unfortunately, I screamed bloody murder (literally) as my nose came into contact with an extremely sharp, shelf-like, immovable metal object.

I saw stars, I saw blood - MINE. I never was famous for handling the sight of my own blood and as I felt it spurting out of the cut on the bridge of my nose, suddenly the toilet seat beneath me began to move in circles.

This was not good. What in the name of all that's holy had gone wrong with my plan???

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I still can't believe my luck to this day. Okay really? Who in their right freaking mind puts a PURSE shelf above a toilet? Someone is really going to set their purse up there and then sit down to do their business? Oh My GOD! This shelf was big enough for someone to put a suitcase on!

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And how come I had never seen one of these before? What was I, born under a toilet truck?

Well, my nose is absolutely killing me about now and the blood is trickling down my face. I'm starting to get nauseated because it really hurts. I'm wondering if I broke my nose or something or oh god - will I need a tetanus shot now???? Or STITCHES?

While I'm lost in my bathroom reverie, the bathroom door swings open and in marches my mother with my little sister in tow. "What in the blazes is going on in here? You've been in here a while - what are you DOING?"

I gingerly step off the toilet seat and open the stall door and then begin crying about how my nose is killing me. My mother takes one look at the blood and the cut and starts shouting 'What in the Sam hell did you DO? How could you have done something like that by sitting on the toilet?"

Of course about this time, little Ms. Perfect steps closer to the stall and looks up - and points at the shelf (which unfortunately incriminatingly has my blood on it - and probably a hunk of my nose to boot). The little Benedict Arnold just stands there looking all innocent. "Mommy, I know what she was doing - she got up there so she could jump out and scare me when I came through the door."

Of all the moronic nitwits I could have as a sister, she had to take the cake. Thanks for ratting me out, idiot. Don't you think it's bad enough that I've got a 2-inch razor cut on the bridge of my nose to show for all my efforts? Or maybe I'm lucky and will have a brain hemorrhage after I shoved my nose back into my brain. That's what I get for screwing around!

Breaking into my thoughts I hear my mother say as sternly as usual "So is this true, Audrea?" (she always calls me that no matter how I ask to be called Audrey but after all this is my name.... we were named after the Andrea Doria - oh THAT had such a good ending).

I may be a lot of things but a liar has never been one of them so of course I confessed. What else could I do? I was bleeding from the nose and I was seriously starting to see 2 of everything. I was hoping that I didn't get 2 black eyes to go with the attractive nasal cut.

I just ever so subtly nodded my head and said "I guess so" under my breath. "You GUESS so?" she screams back at me and I began to cry in earnest. Seriously folks....one of the worst injuries in the world is one to your nose. Does anything hurt quite that much?  Maybe a good kick in the privates but come on!~!! And why in the name of heaven is she screaming?

Whew....at last she stopped with the Spanish inquisition and decided to forgive me after all, so helped me clean up and get back to some semblance of normal. All the while I was very aware of my sister standing there smirking while she clung to my mom's leg. "Ah well, look out pal, there's another time and another day."

Believe it or not, I did learn from that very painful experience. While I had thought ahead for instance to the possibility that I could slip off the toilet seat and get my shoes and socks wet when I fell into the toilet bowl, I certainly NEVER in my wildest dreams thought that I would try to saw my nose off to spite my face so to speak.

I never forgot that little escapade and I guarantee you I never did that again. As a matter of fact, sometimes going into a public restroom bathroom stall makes me shiver. I always look around for sharp objects just in case.

I eventually also did quit scaring my sister. I guess you could say I grew out of it. Of course, I always look back on this particular episode and think very succinctly 'payback's a bitch'. It could not have been more true than on this day.

It also reared its ugly head years later when my oldest son pranked me by trying to scare me. Again that phrase came to mind and a little voice said as well "Don't you think you had that coming, Audrea?"

We'll save that story for another day. Suffice it to say today I do regret (mostly) all the times that I scared the living daylights out of her. I also deeply regret that I got my dose of payback and karma though it probably saved me from a further life of crime.

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Taking One For The Team

Not The Brightest Dive in History

Comments

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 14, 2010:

Seanorjohn - It did drive me crazy at the time but then you grow up and realize why and all that and you just go oh duh....and think of all the great stories it gave me!

seanorjohn on December 14, 2010:

Great story Audrey. It must have driven you nuts having a perfect younger sister. That is not how the hierarchical family system should work.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 08, 2010:

Oh dear lord, Darski - I would have been dead on the floor if there was a snake involved! Actually when I was a kid I didn't have this terrible fear of them - that happened at about 17 and has never gone away!!

You are right, the older we get the karma seems to have sped up, eh? And what is UP with some people not getting theirs? I figure it's just the way life goes though and maybe they'll experience it one of these days.

Thanks for being there!

Darlene Sabella from Hello, my name is Toast and Jam, I live in the forest with my dog named Sam ... on December 08, 2010:

My sister was four years older, and I was the scary one, but in life Karma is real and a real bitch to boot. I have had enough payback and will never break any universal laws, karma comes fast now, not in time, but right away. So when it doesn't happen to someone really bad it makes me wondera? such a great hub, if I was there in the bathroom with you I would of thrown in a snake, LMAO ha....rate up, loved every word of you story,, always your friend and fan dsrski

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 07, 2010:

Prasetio - I'm so glad you enjoy my real life goofy stories....all true fortunately/unfortunately whatever way you want to look at it but wouldn't trade a minute of it!

Peace and love back!

Nell - One cannot be too careful after you have had a brush with purse shelves!!! I really think with me, it's just a matter of time before something ELSE happens....thanks so much for the read!

Nell Rose from England on December 07, 2010:

Hi, Audrey, now why does this not surprise me? lol ouch! my brother used to do all sorts of things to me, and unfortunately I never got him back! but I had to laugh at this, especially thinking of you still checking out the restrooms before you go in, even today! lol cheers nell

prasetio30 from malang-indonesia on December 07, 2010:

You are the king of Comedy. I always enjoy to read your funny story, including this one. Thanks for share with us. You made my day full of smile and laugh. Thumbs up for you. Good work, Audrie. Love and peace!

Prasetio:)

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 07, 2010:

Katie - Yes, it could have been worse...I suppose, eh? Thanks for the read and the lovely comment. Yes, I think my 'little' sister (she is about 5'10" to my 5'6" now) has forgiven me pretty much since this episode and one my son Jon did to me PLUS the roller coaster gig - pretty much I think the account is paid in full!

Hanna - Yes, I was. I've reformed.....mostly and glad you got a good laugh!

Hello, hello, from London, UK on December 07, 2010:

Oh you are a naughty girl. Thank you for a good laugh.

Katie McMurray from Ohio on December 06, 2010:

Audrea... what were you thinking? Are you still so mischievous? Do you have a scar? You are lucky your feet didn't end up in the bowl and soaking wet in ugh... My nose hurts for the vivid details. Great writer you be. :) Has your dear little sister forgiven you for all the scare tactics ?

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 03, 2010:

Shellie - I agree! That was back in the 1960s though so maybe folks were always coming in and changing in the bathrooms on their way to the bus stops!! Good god - I can't believe how much that hurt though. I guess the devil made me do it and all that and someone up there gave me a reality check!

Micky - glad you enjoyed yourself!! and yes, poor Marsha that we all loved to hate because she was so perfect! ha ha..too funny.

Micky Dee on December 03, 2010:

I love your your stuff. One video -the diver really hurt himself but I think he got over it. -And poor Marsha!

theherbivorehippi from Holly, MI on December 03, 2010:

Lmao...whenever you start something with "funny story" I have to prepare myself for pains in my side from laughing. I literally went and made a cup of tea before reading this to enjoy. lol What a way to start my day and WTF about those purse shelves. And i bet there was still a hook behind the door too! Like people need a hook and a shelf? Who are these people that design such things!?

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 02, 2010:

BJ - I seem to have gotten over the Audrea part - you can call me whatever you wish and I am never offended. It is something about when your mother says your REAL NAME don't ya know? Especially since people were always screwing up my name. They still do as a matter of fact. At 57 years old, when I go to sign papers or do anything legal, they ask me if I'm SURE my name is Audrea and not Andrea. No of course I'm not sure you nitwit....I just misspell it to see if the world is watching!

Thanks as always for laughing with me - and thanks so much for my acronym....I may have to start carrying it in my purse and showing it to everyone!! Stay tuned for that hub when I'm arrested!

drbj and sherry from south Florida on December 02, 2010:

First of all, I apologize. For all the times I addressed you as Audrea. Don't remember how I discovered your name but will use it no more since it does not appear to be your fave. Instead I promise to address you as TGBAIC who walks the earth on Hubpages. (The Gorgeously Beautiful And Intelligent Creature, of course.)

This was really funny, TGBAIC, as well as painful. Yes, I felt your pain. Not so much from the nose slash as from the prank failure - it was such a brilliant (?) idea at inception. Just a bit lacking in execution.

Delighted by your rendition which is one of your screamingly funniest best, and also happy you didn't scar yourself for life.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 02, 2010:

FP - You could say that most assuredly!

Alekhouse - Sounds great about your tapping into that writing venue. Billy Crystal's book about his own family growing up, 700 Sundays, was so funny. I laughed and I cried. Thanks so much for your kind comments!

Nancy Hinchliff from Essex Junction, Vermont on December 02, 2010:

Wow, Audrey, great story. I love disfunctional family stories. I've got quite a few of my own. I haven't tapped that area of my life yet for writing ideas...but as soon as the memoir's done, I think I will. Just hope I can do it with insight and humor as you do.

Feline Prophet on December 01, 2010:

What an eventful life you've had, Audrey! :)

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 01, 2010:

Thanks for stopping in Dizzy Lizzy -and in my case I always reap what I sow it seems!

DizzyLizzy from Canada on December 01, 2010:

What goes around comes around it seems, or in your case smacks you right in the face. Very good Hub

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 01, 2010:

Lela - Isn't it just so? Actually, Dorea winged me with a solid wood block when I was about 5 and it hit me square in the bridge of my nose and started bleeding. Then I went after her.....of course the ONLY thing my grandmother saw was me chasing this poor innocent child and I got the thrashing of a lifetime. I think that was part of the emergence of the pranking her....but somehow the cycle just kept going round and round!

TBG - I'm so glad I could provide one!! I have a million more - or so it would seem most days!!

The Baking Guru from California, USA on December 01, 2010:

Wonderful hub! I needed a good laugh this early in the morning!

Lela from Somewhere near the heart of Texas on December 01, 2010:

What a memory! I've got scars from terrorizing my little brother, but I can't remember how on earth I got them. He remembers, though, yes he does. And you are right, payback is a b$#&ch!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 01, 2010:

What a coincidence, Dim! I'm mystified as well!! But very glad I did so I could recall my life and bore y'all with it!

De Greek from UK on December 01, 2010:

It's always a mystery to me Insane Person, how you managed to reach adulthood :-)

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 01, 2010:

FloBe - I do think I was just left to myself too much as I spent a lot of time outdoors and in the trees trying to stay under the radar. Except of course when I came back around to terrorize my sister! Good lord! If you read my rollercoaster hub, yeah - she forgave me - and she truly got her payback that time!

Carolina - Thanks so much for the read...yeah - it didn't take long for that little boomerang to come around!

Adair_Francesca - That must have been something to see his total confusion! Thanks so much for the smiles and the read.

Eiddwen - Glad you got a laugh - and I find the further out we get from childhood, the more we can look back and laugh about it all!

Eiddwen from Wales on December 01, 2010:

Thank you so much for making us laugh in the morning as well.

These hubs that go way back into our childhoohd are the best and funniest ones.

Take care.

adair_francesca on December 01, 2010:

This is a hilarious story! I was smiling reading your story. I remember when I was kid that when I pulled my payback on my brother for eating up my hard earned candy on Halloween.

My brother used to play video games where he has to save the game and continue his "quest" on some other time. Since he is passionate on his video game, I decided to give him a payback on that section.

I manage to sneak in his room when he was in school and fortunately he left his computer turned on (lucky). I load his video game and I quickly find the "delete" button to erase his files on the video game and left quickly before someone saw me. I was really nervous that time.

When he got home from school, he was so confuse to what happen in his precious video game and furious that his weeks of hard work was gone in an instant.

I wish I could have filmed it. To see again the expression on his face was priceless.

Karma does really work haha!

carolina muscle from Charlotte, North Carolina on November 30, 2010:

Haha... payback comes too early !! LOL

Flo Belanger from British Columbia, Canada on November 30, 2010:

I got a great chuckle out of your story. You sound like a very colorful person (likely due to a great sense of boredom, which you needed to rectify by scaring your sister!) I hope she can laugh about it all these years later! haha

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