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My Funny Story About Snakes

Funny Story About A Snake: When A Snake Is A Snake

I have to give credit to Wayne Brown and his marvelously delightful hub Firepower which I just read today and laughed myself sick over. If you haven't read it, stop what you are reading and go read it! If you ever want to read a funny story about snakes, this is it - and well, men in general (sorry Wayne) and their fixation on things that go boom!

First off, when I opened the hub, I practically jumped out of my shorts and gave a wee bit of a shriek, because you see, as many who know me personally already know I am TERRIFIED of snakes. I am not a little scared of these reptiles - I am rendered temporarily insane. I scream, faint, whatever when I am faced with them.

To be honest, I can't even watch them on TV without becoming nauseated. Seeing them in any form, even on an avatar on Hubpages sends me into the shakes. Seeing them in a picture, on TV or on videos can give me nightmares about snakes for a week! I'm surprised I can even say the word - let alone type it!

All this said, here's how all this started and how certain people are, though 'probably' well-intentioned (you betcha), making it worse!


Photo Credit: WikiCommons Magnus Manske

(I feel better not having a picture)

How The Snake Phobia Started

I was a sweet and innocent young girl of 17 - this was just after I left home after graduation and while I was part of the religious group that I had joined. It was also after my bonk on the head after an ill-fated dive into the shallow end of the swimming pool (another day and another episode - could explain a lot).

Backing up just one tiny little second here, I was a total tomboy pretty much as I grew up since I spent most of my days outside escaping the wrath of my grandmother. I could easily say that I wasn't afraid of a thing. I took on snarling dogs (and tamed them), tried my hand at punching out the neighborhood boys for making fun of my grandmother and teasing my sister (unsuccessfully I should add), and I was even known to play with and catch lizards and frogs. I even had two PET frogs! At about 8 years old, I can remember standing in the class at a show and tell with a boa constrictor around my neck, petting it. Now that I think back on that little episode, probably not the brightest thing I could have done with a boa constrictor - I must have confused her or him with another kind of boa - or that death wish coming out again!

Fast forward to age 17. It was a beautiful fall day and I was out in the country with a bunch of my cohorts in religion. We were not on our missionary assignment this particular day and had gone to the mountains to have a day of fun - and a prayer meeting. The trees and bushes were almost devoid of leaves and the meadow grasses were at least knee high but blowing in the beautifully dry Santa Ana conditions of a San Diego day. It was a beautiful fall day and made for enjoyment.  Enter trouble with a capital S!

We were standing in a circle and praying about something - 'God knows what' comes to mind but that seems a little sacrilegious -  so I'll just say we were praying. As we stood there reciting our gratitude for the beauty of the meadows and our fine day away from the tediousness of our missionary work (which was never done), I became aware of a sound at my feet and to the right....'ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch' (speed that up about 100 times).

Okay - I have never before or since heard the rattle of a rattlesnake but let me tell you - if you hear it - you somehow just KNOW what it is! I don't think you need anyone to explain it to you!

Well, I wasn't worried about what God was going to think - my eyes flew open and while everyone stood there resolutely praying away, I looked down - and screamed. Not a little polite girlie scream - this was a wide-mouthed, fear of death scream that echoed to the hills far beyond where we stood. I then did something I've never done since - I literally climbed BACKWARDS up a huge boulder that was sitting behind me - all the while continuing to scream.

I tell you what - I got their attention pretty dang fast! When I looked down from my perch atop the boulder, there was my friend, Rastus the Rattler and he was coiled and ready to strike - right where my cute little bare leg had been just seconds before. The rest of it was a blur as I continued to scream and then became so dizzy that I was sure I was going to pass out - although I was painfully aware that I was now on top of a boulder with lots of crevices, and what if the bloody snake had a family waiting for me!

Not sure why, but I guess it was a guy thing - someone picked up a huge rock and smashed the living crap out of old Rastus. They could have let him go although maybe it was better that he was dead - I might still be sitting on the rock - and still screaming. Needless to say, my friends were not able to get me off the rock very quickly. Two of my favorite boy friends ended up carrying me out through the grass because I absolutely refused to walk through the high grass.

So I guess you could say I came by my fear 'naturally'. There was a direct cause and effect that led to me becoming snake-impaired. Whereas I could go to the San Diego Zoo and go right into the snake exhibit and look at all the snakes and thumb my nose without a fear in the world, I now could not even go near the doorway. The pit that was out in the center of the zoo with all kinds of reptiles hanging on trees and such was now off limits. I am shuddering even to think of it! If anyone happened to steer me that way, I was so nauseated I almost barfed on my shoes.

All things considered, I decided to just keep my distance - they couldn't hurt me if I just ignored them. For many years, that policy seemed to really work for me! Until of course I had kids. Having kids just opens up lots of possibilities, especially when you have boys, especially one very precocious boy who has ADHD and loves to do everything and anything under the sun to scare his good old mom. There were a few incidents of bringing a live salamander into the house or the car and sticking it right up in my face because Jonathan KNEW (and he was right) that I would think it was a snake. He would laugh hysterically while I jumped from the car or ran out the door before I was eaten alive!

Then there was the day I bent down to pick strawberries in my backyard and while I was pulling the strawberry free, I noticed that the plant was somehow moving. I kept thinking "No - that can't be right - you must be seeing things". I belatedly realized that there was a snake coiled around the crown of the plant. My kids as it happened were having a get together in the backyard so there were many people who got to see me literally sucking air, grabbing at my chest, and hurling myself backwards as fast as my legs could carry me, not seeing the picnic table behind me and falling backwards over the table. I decided he could have my strawberries.

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That wasn't enough though. This snake was so clever that he took to bullying me! He and a friend (or relative - could have been his wife for all I know) took to lying on TOP of my juniper bushes in the hot sun just to keep me from going up to my garden. I fixed them - I let 'em have it! I honestly didn't appreciate being threatened by a couple of Garters (Grizzly and Gristle) but this couple was very aggressive!

Even years later, when I was rearranging the woodpile because I didn't particularly like the way it was looking, I uncovered a salamander - probably related to those blasted Garters - and thinking it was one of their kind come to claim me, I gasped, clutched my chest and started my backward flight....only to have my malamute Kodi bite me in the ankle - whereupon I dropped the heavy piece of wood on my foot and broke my toe! I was SURE the bite was the Garters come off their perch on the junipers to get a 'piece of me'.

It also did not help one iota that my daughter married a SNAKE FREAK! Oh-My-God!! He claimed he was a zoologist or something but I never saw a license - all I saw was SNAKES. Not just one pet snake - there were like 10 or 11~!!! Who in their right mind needs this many snakes - and inside a HOUSE? Do you know what this did for me? He even brought a boa constrictor to MY house - the safe zone - on a Sunday for dinner and kept it in a pillowcase while we ate. I sincerely almost had a heart attack. "Will you please pass the snake---I mean potatoes?" Even my black labs wouldn't come in the same room with the 'pillowcase'.

I absolutely hated going to her apartment. There was only one way in and one way out - that was right past the biggest aquarium ever - set right beside the front door - with Butch the Boa (who was GIGANTIC) straining at the top of the aquarium. He was messing with me and don't think I didn't know it! He was pushing that lid off and saying stuff to me like "I got your number, don't have any rattles but I'm gonna wrap myself around you and 'bout a BEAR hug?"

Love does strange things to us because I kept going back! Every snake had its own aquarium and they were positioned throughout the living and dining room so strategically that every single place I looked, there was another one! I couldn't look anywhere without staring one of them in the eyes. I got so I just stared at my hands in my lap and never looked up!

Then Kate would always call to tell me after we had come to visit and inevitably say "Oh by the way, Mom, we found out Fang was out of his aquarium after you left - but we found him - in the bathroom - in the wastebasket." Don't think I don't know she was messing with me but I know for a fact that they frequently got out - thank God Barney didn't - that I know of!

Slithering Ahead to Present Snake Time

Well, as things do happen, my daughter ended up divorcing the Snake Tamer (I was seriously sorry to see that happen!!!) and we moved to Central Oregon from Washington state where we'd raised the kids. We'd visited here quite a bit before we moved and I think vaguely in the back of my mind I knew there were rattlers here but I did what I mostly do with snakes - but a giant "X" in my head where they are concerned and just don't 'go there'.

One of the most beautiful places close to where we live is Smith Rock State Park. It is a favorite place for folks to come to mountain climb but also has some wonderful hikes. Most often when friends or family come to visit, they always want to see it because it is so magnificent with all its craggy rock formations, panoramic views, etc.

It is a rather steep climb down to the bottom of the 'canyon' and then there are several paths you can take - some into rattlesnake country and some not so much. I've been there several times and have seen the bull and the gopher snakes enough to be wigged out. They are roughly 3 feet long and really, really 'thick'. (I guess that has to do with wolfing down a gopher - go figure!)

They also have no fear whatsoever of people (obviously) because as you are walking along (usually looking up to watch the climbers on the rocks), they just start to mosey across the path. Since the path is not very WIDE in the first place, they stretch across the entire length of the path. I have stepped on one so far - and almost had a heart attack and then almost wet my pants in fright. Needless to say, I have learned the very hard way to NEVER quit looking at the ground - especially in summer.

Well, as my luck would have it, one summer day a few years ago, our friends arrived from up in the Seattle area and said they wanted nothing more than to go to Smith Rock for a hike. I tried to talk them out of it - simply because of the snake factor! I admit it - I don't like getting my nerves jangled if I can help it - and I'm always worried that the rattlers aren't going to see those pesky little signs. What if they decide to cross over into the 'other areas' and come after me! They're probably still pissed about that whole killing of one of their brethren and all!

Unfortunately, my husband loves to hike and he kept needling away at me. "God Audrey - what are you so worried about - they're more afraid of you than you are of them". Yeah sure - "Just keep on thinkin' that until ya get bit, pal" is my answer!

Then the final challenge - "I didn't know you were such a chicken, Audrey." Okay - the gloves are off - no one calls me a chicken (for long). So I met the dang challenge. Okay - y'all want to go brave the heat and the blasted snakes - you bet - I'm up for it. Just let me get the biggest meanest hiking boots I can find out of the closet and about 15 pairs of socks to go inside - and we're off!

So there we are....we descend into the bowels of snake hell and I'm whipping my head every which way trying to identify the beginnings of any reptilian activity in my sector. Honestly - going there in the summer (for me) is NOT conducive to a nice outing. I have whiplash by the time I get home. To say that my nerves were a little on edge would be putting it mildly. But we got down to the main trail and were meandering along the river and uncharacteristically, I let my guard down. There were the 4 of us - Bob, me, and our 2 friends - and we were chatting about this and that when all of a sudden, my girlfriend screeches excitedly "Oh how COOL" and starts to bend down in the path.

Well, if I were a true friend, I would have grasped her by the shoulder and thrown her back - instead I stood absolutely paralyzed in the path and gazed ahead to see none other than Stanley the Snake stretched out in all his freaking glory across the path! My friend of course whips out her camera and she is excitedly taking pictures as it is moving.

Oh no - the moving - not head is starting to reel and I'm feeling like I'm seriously going to hurl. (Of note, if I ever DO encounter a rattler again, with my ability to handle it so well, I figure I have about 5 seconds before it jumps up and bites the living daylight out of me. I will of course have passed out cold long before this and it will be able to have its way with me - no resistance. I don't even know - can they bite you like multiple times? On second thought I do not want to know!)

My world is starting to grow dark - but not before I notice that it has markings on its back....Oh-My-God - it's Rastus' COUSIN! I'm frantically trying to draw a breath because I'm now starting to hyperventilate and I'm gasping out "Get away from it - STEP BACK - it's a RATTLESNAKE" while my stupid (blond I might add) friend is taking more pictures and bending down further towards it to get a better picture.

"No it's not, Audrey - I don't see any rattles, see?" Seriously, I can only see out of my eyes in little slits because everything is going to darkness and I keep arguing and telling everyone to stand back - for what I'd really like to know though - was I going to reach down and grab it or take care of this situation? Before or after I fainted?

What happened next was just was also typical of the kind of crap I have to put up with. While I'm practically asphyxiating myself with fear and trying desperately to think of how to get around this monstrous snake - going into the brush would seem like suicide surely - I feel a prick on the back of my leg. Not once, but in 2 spots - in unison! OH-MY-GOD!!!! It tag-teamed me - it had a snake running a drop-back pattern and it was behind me now!

The story was later related to me that I looked like Wilma Rudolph coming off the gun shot. I felt the prick on my calf and I literally shoved my friend into the weeds, then became airborne as I gracefully leapt into the air over the snake, while letting out a bloodcurdling scream that echoed in the canyon - and took off at the speed of light.

I think I did the 100 yard dash in like 2 nanoseconds. I was in fact still running for at least 5 minutes straight ahead down the path, pushing people out of my way and still screaming. When someone finally grabbed hold of me and asked what was the matter, I couldn't even talk I was so winded. All I could gasp out was "S-N-A-K-E".

They were busy asking me if I was bitten when my so-called FRIENDS and my husband ran up to join me bent over at the waist - from running but mostly from politely inform the people that no in fact I had not been bitten by a snake but that they had played a joke on me and both poked my calf with a stick at the same time. They (of course) had no idea I was going to react so crazily!!

Okay - we won't even go to the retribution for that little escapade! Bob owes me big time - STILL. There is no excuse for scaring the living crap out of an old woman - who knew I could run that fast though? I was humiliated and they had the unmitigated gall to stand there and har-har it up for at least 10 minutes - while the other innocent bystanders laughed and laughed. If I hadn't been so bloody tired, I would have walked off and left them behind.

Rastus Before He Met His Maker

Summing Up A Snake Is A Snake

So you see, my friends, it is not about the KIND of snake that it is just about the snake. The fact that it IS a snake is a done deal now for me.

As it turns out, we just visited Smith Rock a few weeks ago. We go there quite often although (for very obvious reasons) I am not a fan of going in the summertime. It was almost 100 degrees this particular day and Bob and I went the river way with our 2 malamutes and my daughter's puggle - and Kate and her now husband (NOT A SNAKE CHARMER) went the Monkey Face steeper trail. They were innocently walking along the trail up top when my daughter came upon none other than Ralwus, one of Rastus' other cousins! He even shook his things at her! All I gotta say is, they would have been airlifting me off the top of the rock if I'd been up there! And Bob has the nerve to say "Wow - sure glad I didn't go - I'd probably never have HEARD him and would have gotten bit". Hmmmm...okay - I'm not even going to think it.

Also to my delight, it turns out we have several huge bull or gopher snakes behind our house as we sit on a wetlands. I guess there are loads of rodents out there for them to indulge on for dinner. I never thought about it - my bad!

One day last summer though we had our own 'pet snake'. Bob was weeding behind the fence and somehow he must have flushed one out. I shudder to think how it got through the fence - the thought is making me queasy right now! Anyhow - it slithered its gigantically long 3 foot self up my flower beds on the lower level all the way to the downstairs patio of our house and was laying on the patio! Bob confirmed it was 3 feet long. (Obviously malamutes are NOT built-in snake alarms - or much of an alarm period)

I'll tell you how this went.....I was inside in my office working. He and his friend were laying brick and when Bob turned to see the snake laying there, I heard VERY excited talking. The windows were closed but I could hear both of them conferring - and it sounded like 2 hysterical women if you want to know!

I knew INSTANTLY what it was with my snake radar...snadar! I heard them saying things like 'Do you see any rattles?"...."Should we get a shovel?"...."YOU pick it up!"..... "No, YOU!" - then running. (I don't think the snake had tennis shoes on)

It turned out this particular snake didn't want anything to do with a couple of hicks so he made off the way he'd come in - down the flower beds and slithering (shuddering again, gagging) back up over the fence.

I have to tell you though - those 2 pantywaists never heard the end of it from me! Of course, I never went out to SEE it - I just listened. Even THAT gave me nightmares for the week and I had a dream that it was sitting in my computer chair when I came down to work the next morning!

My mother tells me often that I was born in the 'year of the snake' - like this is somehow supposed to help me get over this. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked. It is much like my fear of flying - it may be irrational and it may all in my head - but folks, it's there! I'm just not a snake kinda gal. Lizards, bugs, spiders - even tarantulas - I don't collect them or anything but they don't even blip on my radar - way! (I guess I need my snadar fixed)

That's my tale of the snake - now my dilemma will be how to possibly upload videos and pictures of said reptiles without LOOKING at them. I can only say that I'm adding everything and then throwing them on and closing this page really, really quick. If anything is wrong, let me know and I'll come back to it and try to fix it with my eyes closed!

Then I'm going to shudder a bunch of times, throw some salt over my shoulder or something and take a shower for good measure. Hopefully that will ward off any of Rastus' family coming looking for me!

I KNEW They Had A Temper!


Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 04, 2018:

Nice to see you, Barb! Oh my - snakes are just not my thing. I don't know why but they do get me going - literally! Take care and thanks for stopping in!

Barbara Radisavljevic from Paso Robles, CA on August 03, 2018:

Saw this in the sidebar and couldn't resist clicking and coming over to say hi. Thanks for the laughs. I can tolerated any snake I know is harmless, but I do all I can to avoid the rattlers or any snake that can cause trouble if it bites. I'm probably more afraid of wasps and hornets than snakes because snakes don't seem as aggressive to me. Fortunately, I've never been aware of being near a dangerous snake. I still don't understand why some people keep them as pets, though.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on January 18, 2011:

Thanks for stopping by, Truckstop Sally - wasn't his a HOOT? I appreciate the read!

Truckstop Sally on January 18, 2011:

Very funny hub! I just read Wayne Brown's FirePower, and there was such a buzz about your story -- I had to come over to read. Thanks

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 30, 2010:

I would have passed out long before and the gurgling would have definitely been a real seizure! Yikes!!! Thanks so much for the read.

ajcor from NSW. Australia on August 29, 2010:

akirchner - to be fair we were building a new bathroom at the time and there was an open pipe in the garden right where the snakes like to glide up the hill through our garden - and as we know they are very nosey creatures so it probably thought I had put out the welcome mat - NOT - but it did get out hopefully never to return - the funny side of it all was that I thought my poor husband was making such strange and strangled sounds it seemed he was having some sort of a fit but as it turned out he was just noisily watching/urging/choking as the last three feet of the brown disappeared out of view.....poor boy.. cheers

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 29, 2010:

Ajcor - Ah another snake lover! Good heavens - if I saw one in the kitchen, I would have to move - like that day - after I came out of the coma. Thanks so much for the read but I imagine now I may be looking into my cupboards to make sure one did not sneak in while I wasn't watching!

ajcor from NSW. Australia on August 28, 2010:

The only thing that snakes are good for is the making of leather bags and shoes - there is absolutely nothing else they are good for - we have had the odd brown snake in our garden over the years which from a distance and behind glass is alright; but when a wretched brown was actually in our kitchen I totally lost it and we called the "snakeologist" for want of a better word - who then assured me that it was not lurking under the front verandah waiting for me to come out so that it could bite me on the ankle and send me to meet my maker somewhat earlier than planned! cheers and thanks for your hub....

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 20, 2010:

Thanks Prasetio - I just run the other way and keep on running....they are NOT my friends!

prasetio30 from malang-indonesia on August 20, 2010:

Don't worry. You have a friend here. I mean a friend who afraid with snake, LOL. But I try to face the snake with my courage. Although I still afraid to touch this animal. Nice hub. Vote this Up.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 20, 2010:

Mysterylady - not that's a funny story - about your ma and the caterpillar. I don't think even my family could top that one - or me! I'm not happy hearing about the 12 foot long snake - there goes another nightmare! Thanks for reading......

HH - I see they posted an ad on here for snake repellent - I may have to look into that! Thanks for the read and glad you got a giggle.

Hello, hello, from London, UK on August 20, 2010:

I am on your side Audrey and for all I care I wish they die out. These are the only ones I wouldn't mind. Thanks for a good laugh.

mysterylady 89 from Florida on August 20, 2010:

I think I am more afraid of roaches (See my "The Roach That Would not Die") than I am of snakes, but I have never encountered a poisonous snake...or a very large one. Huge snakes have been invading Florida: The Burmese python can be over 12 feet long!

My mother(who was somewhat crazy) claimed she liked snakes (she had had a pet garter snake that lived under the porch), but she was terrified of caterpillars. When her brother put a caterpillar down her back, she stripped -- and she was in public.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 20, 2010:

Dim - I would if I could figure out how in the heck to put it all together. I am not sure someone would want to read a book of 'tales from the inept and wacky life of one Audrey Kirchner'. Thank you so much for the compliment though - I treasure making y'all laugh along with me.

ACSutliff - Thank you for the read - and that was the only way I could think to describe the running of the! Again, funny thing that - I didn't really know I could hurdle a snake in a flying leap and stay upright, shove my friend into the bushes (where she belonged I still maintain for causing this), and run like the 'wind'. My husband still laughs about it - the bugger.

ACSutliff on August 20, 2010:

I looked like Wilma Rudolph coming off the gun shot. Very funny. You sure know how to tell a story.

De Greek from UK on August 20, 2010:

"I of course shriek because that is what we beauty queens are supposed to do! And then I promptly ask Bob the Brave to dispose of said vermin"

- In my not so humble opinion, THATtype of phrase is what makes good book content and separats the wonderful from the simply good. When are you going to write one? :-)))

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 19, 2010:

Lela - I know what you are trying to do - and it might be are trying to divert my attention from the snakes by replacing this phobia with another - the scorpions! Good grief!! On pillows!!! I may have another nightmare coming up and this time it is not involving hissing. Keep me posted on the scorpion problem - I have no clue how to get rid of them but the glue traps sound good...with my luck though I'd wake up with either one on my toe WITH the scorpion - or one stuck to my head - WITH the scorpion!

Lela from Somewhere near the heart of Texas on August 19, 2010:

Oh no! It's my destiny to be affiliated with Scorpies! My Medical Director found one on her pillow last night. Between the two of us we are buying every glue trap to be found and surrounding our beds with them. They love the glue traps, hehehehe

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 19, 2010:

Holle.....I'm warning you, sister are seriously gonna get a load of salmon sent to you if you keep it up!! I hope to gosh almighty that you are KIDDING me - nothing could be that long except the big "A" snakes! I almost pass out if Bob watches 2 seconds of those on TV. The "B" snakes were bad enough! Now I'm talking in code. I think I'm glad I got this hub out of my system and hope to gosh I never have to look at another "S" again!

Holle Abee from Georgia on August 19, 2010:

"Snadar" - love it!! Girlfriend, we have some HEALTHY rattlers down here - I'm talking seven feet!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 19, 2010:

Laurel - Now THAT's priceless! Somehow I would have thought I would be born in the year of the monkey, not the "S". I appear to be more of a monkey than a snake. That is too hilarious about the monkey - and the mouse. I was once in a pet store while my mother was off teaching down the road and the owner came in and proceeded to add mice to all the aquariums - where all the snakes were busy slithering around I might add. When I saw what happened to the mice, I let out a bloodcurdling scream and he came flying out from the back. I got deposited on the curb to wait for my mother and he told me never to come back since I like to have scared the living you-know-what out of all of his customers (I think there were THREE - wow).

Surprisingly, I like monkeys - although I haven't had much experience with them personally...only my children!

Katie - ewwwwww - I actually saw one on the road when I was riding my bike once and crashed because I got so scared of it. It's not like I have a PHOBIA or anything!! Good lord - too bad you didn't squish him - that would be one less for me to deal with...just kidding!

Katie McMurray from Ohio on August 19, 2010:

I was riding my bike the other day and thought is that a big stick in the path ahead, as I didn't want to brake and lose my momentum I decide I could take the stick and run over it... It was not a stick buy a snake that was none to happy to be rode over. Luckily I didn't get bit and the snake slithered off.

Laurel Rogers from Bishop, Ca on August 19, 2010:

Oh akirchner, you know I just HAD to. Anyway, raisingme brought up a point I'd forgotten-one's Chinese Astrological year. I'm a monkey. I detest monkeys.

When I was 10 years old, I bought a little and of course adorable mouse, took it home and mama wouldn't let me keep it. In grand tears I took the mouse back to the pet store, and while waiting to tell the clerk my sad tale, showed my little guy to a caged monkey. He grabbed my sweet friend and schwooshed him! The HORROR!

Actually, it was pretty gnarly, and I am not surprised I hate monkeys.

I rest my case.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 19, 2010:

RaisingMe - That is TOO much of a mascot 'experience'. Yikes! I hear you on the snails and slugs - I am kinda sorta missing those rainy days of Seattle having settled here in the high mountain desert where the 'S-things' abound! And poking me in the back of the leg like that - those 2 guys owe me SO BIG TIME! I could not believe they would do something so mean - and they still laugh about it. The nerve! Thanks so much for the read!

raisingme from Fraser Valley, British Columbia on August 19, 2010:

I am a Scorpio too but when I found a scorpion in my underwear when I was visiting Texas I found that I had no affinity whatsoever with the symbol of my 'sign'. Equally distressing to me was the number and variety of snakes that State boasts. I love my BC mountainside where the oohiest things are snails and slugs. Poking you in the back of the legs - what rotters!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 19, 2010:

Thanks, Laurel - that was SO uncalled for - and don't think I haven't thought about them 'getting in'! There actually is a little lizard guy who plays around outside in my flowers and I keep thinking if someone leaves the door open and he gets in, there's no telling WHAT I'll mistake him for! Thanks for the read! (I surely wish Randy did not have that avatar....but I have a feeling it's my 'therapy').

Laurel Rogers from Bishop, Ca on August 19, 2010:

I see Randy was your first commenter, Audrey...hmm! Girl, I'm thinking the outdoors is not your friend! A tad of agorophobia couldn't hurt, unless, of course, they find a way in...:) Sorry, couldn't help myself!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 18, 2010:

Micky - Ah - you mean the 4-legged ones in government....yes, if I had to pick I guess I'd probably go with this kind too - shuddering!

Micky Dee on August 18, 2010:

I like these snakes a lot better than the ones "they" have us vote for. Thank you Ma'am!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 18, 2010:

Nell - I have a feeling if I came to jolly old England for a visit, these 2 snakes would have been warned ahead of time and would be 'laying in wait' for the killer of their brethren and would proceed to bite me simultaneously. I'm sure I would expire from a heart condition I have on account of snakes. I believe it is called reptile fibrillation!

Thanks as always for the read....glad I could bring a ray of sunshine (and laughter) into the day! That is my goal.

Nell Rose from England on August 18, 2010:

Hi, Audrey, no snakeskin handbag for you at christmas then? hee hee I am not sure what was the funniest, tripping over the dog and breaking your toe with the wood or the 100 miles an hour sprint! thanks again for such a hysterical laugh! I can sit smuggly here in front of my computer knowing that the only snake we have in this country is the adder and the grass snake, two very calm and dignified little wanderers! they can kill you, but only on rare occasions if you have a heart condition, I haven't heard of anybody getting killed by one for years as they are very rare! hilarious as usual and thanks for brightening my day again! cheers nell

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 18, 2010:

Oh no - it's back! The pencil avatar. Actually I think I may be getting used to it. This crossed eye thing is not so bad when you perfect it.

No poles - I know how that works....they slither up the pole and get me anyhow - or I frantically try and shake them loose and then in my efforts to get away I turn and run into a fence or something and I'm knocked out anyhow - and the snake can then have its hissing way with me....I wasn't just dropped off the turnip truck, Randy!

Randy Godwin from Southern Georgia on August 18, 2010:

Just make a snake catcher pole, AK! My hub will tell you how but you will probably want to use loooonger pole than suggested! HA!


Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 18, 2010:

Dim - I think if someone had a blasted snake and was waving it at me (and I'm not talking the 1-eyed snake mind you), I probably would be putty in their hands. Of course I would not be awake during the deed - not so good!

As to the mice, now they don't bother me a bit - I'm not FOND of them mind you and don't have any pets (thank god I missed ONE group of animals to save)...although I have to say malamutes are surprisingly good mousers - and that a word? They continually bring me prizes - lay them at the back door just like a cat and are so proud! I of course shriek because that is what we beauty queens are supposed to do! And then I promptly ask Bob the Brave to dispose of said vermin.

My uncle must have had your son's idea in mind....the one with the GD cigarette hanging out of his mouth his whole life - but when he was a young lad, and they lived in San Francisco, my grandmother was on her way to work at a doctor's house and he had slipped a dead mouse into her coat pocket. She literally was speaking in tongues on the trolley car when she reached in and did not pull out a plum but a dead mouse! I would have given ANYTHING to be on that trolley car and seen THAT!

Wishing you no mice in your shorts - and me no snakes in my vicinity - I need a 25-mile free zone to feel safe!

De Greek from UK on August 18, 2010:

Because I am just a poor peasant from Cyprus, I want to be sure that I understand this: If someone shows you a snake, he “will be able to have its way with me - no resistance” ???

Hmmmm….. Might be useful to remember.

I loved the “please pass the snake” bit – no pun intended – but as someone who is terrified of mice, I don’t think that it was kind of your so called friends to tease you with a pretend snake bite. It’s like putting a mouse in someone’s jockey shorts drawer, which I think is the cruellest thing one human being can do to another and I hope that my son is reading this.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 18, 2010:

Smart woman!

ralwus on August 18, 2010:

LOL yes, my wife too. Ralwus the rattler. cool, I love snakes.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 18, 2010:

Charlie---I was hoping you'd notice that I named one after you! I just couldn't let it go by. Yes - I have a couple of weaknesses and snakes definitely are my cryptonite....along with flying....can you imagine what I felt like when they made that stupid movie Snakes on Planes? I almost had a heart attack watching the blasted advertisements!

ralwus on August 18, 2010:

LOL you sound just like my wife regarding snakes. Hmmm, got one named Ralwus, how'd that come to be? Shoulda been Randy IMO. You're a hoot woman. Hugs, Charlie

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 18, 2010:

Ah Ken - then my job is complete if I can get y'all to laugh out loud. I had heard this too about the boas in the glades...and coming up through the commodes! That actually gave me a few nightmares right there. Once those buggers figure out how to invade the plumbing here in Central Oregon---I'm outta here!

The funny thing is that I absolutely hate myself for being so afraid of them. I know they do 'good things' although I don't really feel like interviewing one of them and asking what they do for world improvement. However, I have a totally irrational fear of them now and much like flying, it seems to only get worse with age.

I have friends suggest (while laughing hysterically after a flight with me) that I seek out and attend classes for fear of flying. They have also suggested that I do the same about snakes. I politely refer them to the movie Snakes On Planes - I think that covers it for me right there! Who in their right mind would combine these 2 phobias and actually make money doing it? Why oh why didn't I think of that? Probably because I would have been passed out the entire time!

Thanks for the read!

saddlerider1 on August 18, 2010:

And to think when I was a boy I used to pick up garter snakes all the time, bring them home and wrap them around my bed post and now the only place I can watch them is at a zoo or on t.v. Snakes and big spiders are not my favorites. I can see how you nearly crapped in your nickers when that rattler started giving you some warning to leave. I would have been out of there in a jolt to.

They say there is a huge influx of boa constrictors invading the Florida everglades, so stay away from the glades if you don't want to be squeezed. Great hub as always, some parts made me laugh out loud:0)

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 18, 2010:

OMG - Another Scorpio! You are so right - and let's not leave out sexy and bombshell...although in my case it might be better to just not go to the bombshell part...and maybe rethinking the sexy - both usually result in significant laughter and humiliation - always on my part! I'll just have to settle for intelligent and passionate....with a sprinkling of nuts!

What day is your birthday? I shall try and put it into the Rolodex of my brain and hope I can remember it for 5 or 6 seconds! I know they came up with this new fangled idea of writing things down but I'm of the old school....keep it all in your head and constantly say 'now where did I put that?' - kinda like my secret hiding places that no one will EVER find something - including me.

drbj and sherry from south Florida on August 18, 2010:

Thank you, Audrea, Thank you, Lela. I'm always on a roll - except when I take my hourly meds.

And AK, I've just learned why we complement or is it compliment each other so well. We are BOTH Scorpios. That means we are intelligent and passionate although not necessarily in that order. :)

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 18, 2010:

Alekhouse - I hear you - on folks with snake things that I try and read I swallow repeatedly, and then scroll down past the pics as fast as I will notice I did not put any pictures throughout the text...I would have had to revive myself a couple of times with smelling salts to continue.....thank you so much for the read...I hear your pain!

Lela - Now that is funny - I'm not TOO afraid of scorpions (maybe it's because I'm a Scorpio!) - but I do give them a very wide berth. We have a few out here in Prinetucky - along with some pint-sized rattlers (oh joy) up in the forests. Bob loves to go up and collect rocks and I'm always having a heart attack as he just calmly turns over rocks....especially since we are out in the middle of NOWHERE where there is no cell coverage. Maybe we could dial on a free range cow! Thanks for the read - and BJ was on a roll, eh?

Lela from Somewhere near the heart of Texas on August 18, 2010:

Audrey, you are not scared of snakes, you are not scared of snakes...

You are scared of snake bites!

BJ, you are so funny! That is a cool organization you belong to. I'll bet the PETA folks are hot on your trail, though.

I am repulsed by scorpions. So where did I end up moving to? The scorpion capitol of Texas for sure! I hate them.

Nancy Hinchliff from Essex Junction, Vermont on August 18, 2010:

I hate snakes. It was really hard for me to read this and look at the videos.

Lie down in a box of snakes??? OMG

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 18, 2010:

Oh My God! BJ - where do you come up with this stuff off the cuff? I seriously think Wayne needs to sign up here with his good old boy friend! Too hilarious....honestly by the time I focused a weapon on the snake in question, it would be too late. I would already have suffered my fit of the vapors and be out cold - so again, they could have their way with me....I say THEY because I know they travel in packs. You've heard of pack dogs...where I know for a fact there are pack SNAKES...and I don't want anything to do with them!

Love the snakeskin Speedo - now that's something I'd like to get Bob for Christmas! Maybe he'd be all into slithering though and I'm not sure I could take that - or the constant shaking his 'rattles' - but then on the other hand, it could give a whole new spice to our love life! Not to mention if he kept sticking his tongue out every second....although if he drools, the deal's off!

I shall try and live up to your slogan though and wear it proudly on my chest....along with a defibrillator pad!

drbj and sherry from south Florida on August 18, 2010:

I am pleased to inform you that your application and credentials have been approved. You are now a charter member of our organization, S N A K E S S. Shoot, Nuke And Kill Every Slithering Snake.

There is no membership fee. You simply swear (a promise is not enough) to annihilate every serpent you meet. Two-legged do not qualify. In return we will mail you under separate cover (whatever that means) our latest catalog of handy-dandy items made from snakeskin. Your purchases support our worthy organization.

Newest items are the beautiful snakeskin I-pad cover, the snakeskin bikini and/or Speedo, and snakeskin high-top boots. The latter are especially useful as they allow you to sneak up on the snakes you are seeking as they think you are one of them. Taller, perhaps, but still one of them.

Don't forget to proudly wear your pin denoting membership with our slogan: "Whether they have a rattle or a bell, I am proud to send them all to hell."

Yours respectfully, The Serpent Assassin

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 18, 2010:

Lynn - EWWWW - I'll add that to my nightmare. Surprisingly, last night they didn't come but that is just a tease. I know now that I opened the 's-box' I'll have a whopper one or two times this week! Thanks for coming by.

CM - Yes, I've heard that some people don't wig out like I do - go figure! Thanks for coming by.

carolina muscle from Charlotte, North Carolina on August 17, 2010:

I guessd you either love em or hate em.. I'm not that big on them, but I see them a lot when paddling, so I've gotten kinda indifferent to em.

Great post!

Lynn Nodima from United States on August 17, 2010:

I stay away from snakes, too. I stepped on a cottonmouth water moccasin when I was about 7 years old. My mom tells me I made the backporch with one 12 foot jump. I don't remember anything but getting away from it. She got the shotgun, then watched it slither away. She was more afraid of the shotgun than I was of the snake. I don't mind the sissy tag, either. Better that than being around snakes! LOL! Thanks for a great hub; I enjoyed reading it.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on August 17, 2010:

Oh GOD - another nightmare!! I have to take it - I'm just gonna go with I'm a total sissy....nothing, and I mean NOTHING could get me to try the cure. Only if I'd fainted first!

Thanks for the read....Glad you were the first Randy as now I can speed through my pictures and not shudder! Audrey

Randy Godwin from Southern Georgia on August 17, 2010:

Of course you knew I had to comment, AK! I think if you would lie down in a box full of harmless snakes for a few minutes you would get over your snakeaphobia! I can get some for you if you decide to try this "cure." LOL!

I don't know, though! You may just be a sissy! HA!

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