Funny Stories About Ice: What Goes Up Must Come Down

Author:
Audrey Kirchner
Updated:
Nov 24, 2010

Funny Stories About Ice: What Goes Up Must Come Down

Now this may really surprise everyone but I am not as graceful as I might appear! It's hard to imagine that I am not the epitome of poetry in motion but as I have confessed many times, in my case, it is more like poultry in motion.

At this lovely time of year, when here in Oregon, we are in fact embracing our first subzero temperatures, it seems only fitting that I should recount for you where my ice queen adventures all started.

I must also state emphatically that the ice queen still reigneth and I am still holder of the crown for most graceful dismounts on ice. It is particularly wonderful to know that after all these years, I have not lost my 'touch' for comedic escapades on ice. I could have my own show if only I could get someone to support me - in more ways than one.

Come along with me and lend me an ear (or perhaps an earmuff) while I regale you with my funny stories about ice and what goes up must come down....eventually.

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How My Funny Stories About Ice Started

The first time I decided to 'perform' on ice was back in the early 1980s when we had first moved to Washington state. Sure, I'd been in Detroit for 2 winters and bleak affairs these things were. If that wasn't fun enough, we moved to Chicago where I spent another 5 dreary winters with temperatures toasting out at a balmy 80 below zero with the wind chill. You would think I would have grown accustomed to snow and ice.

But there you would be wrong, because as accustomed as I was to snow and ice, for some reason, my missions always seemed to supersede practicality. As my luck would have it, the first year we lived in the Seattle/Tacoma area, it was one of record cold (who would guess this would happen to me?). At the time, we only had the little tin can tuna car, the Chevy Monza that I had driven my precious children across country in. I literally had to fill the trunk with bags of cement to keep from becoming a car sled on the roads!

Whereas Chicago and Detroit were flat, barren lands of ice and frozen tundra, the Pacific Northwest has many interesting features to enhance your winter experience such as hills, as in very steep hills, houses with terraced stairs, great steep driveways - to name just a few of the perks for winter.

At any rate, I was late for a very important date which in fact was work. I had seen my 2 youngest kids off and only had our oldest son Jonathan to drop off somewhere on my way to work. On dressing that morning, I really hadn't had a chance to think much about the weather and as so often happens with me, I was focused on the tasks at hand. Get dressed, get Jon, get out the door and on my way. Dressed in slacks, a sweater, my ever-present white coat and clogs, I headed out.

That said, Jon ran out the door ahead of me and in my defense, no alarms went off. I checked to make sure the lights were off, door locked, and stepped out onto the porch. That's basically ALL I remember. The next thing I knew, I was airborne. I have to stop here to point out that our front steps, though not cement as in the picture, were terraced wooden steps - to the tune of 3 sets, the final step ending on a block of cement.

Okay - so I'm up - I have taken flight and I don't remember flapping! I do remember seeing my arm catch in the railing (how bloody convenient THAT was) and I remember thinking 'hmm...that really can't be that good' as my shoulder went rrrr...iiiii.....pppppp for good measure. As I was flying down the 3 levels, it occurred to me that this was NOT going to be a good landing and I was not going to be able to 'stick' this dismount.

Sure enough, I landed with a resounding 'plop, splat and ummmph' - not on the wooden stairs as I had hoped. Oh no...Mrs. Athletic Wonder had to overshoot and go for the cement. I landed on my left side and for an instant I wondered if I was dead. Or if my hip was seriously broken in 5 pieces.

I'm really not sure if I made a sound as I gracefully flew off the porch and down the stairs, or if my son heard the 9.0 on the Richter scale because he generally wasn't all that tuned into what happened to his mom! He was only about 8 at the time and as I laid there trying to assess the damage, he shot out from around the edge of the house from the carport and screamed 'oh my GOD, mom - you fell.'

No sh*t, Sherlock! Before I could say something I would regret later, all I could think of was 'what if the neighbors saw me floundering like a flying whale off the porch?' Without much thought, I just immediately jumped up like a jack-in-the-box and said very calmly, although through gritted teeth 'Heck no - I was just messing around'.....as I dragged my leg behind me and held my arm close to my body because I couldn't get it to move.

I literally crawled in behind the wheel of the car and then almost screamed in pain as I pushed in the clutch to drive off into the sunset. Conveniently, I worked at a hospital and when I came in dragging my left leg and supporting my arm as if it were broken, they x-rayed me free of charge. Nothing was broken but I had a bruise running from my hip to my knee for weeks. By the way, that does NOT look good in a bathing suit at the gym!

My Next Funny Story About Ice

Actually, I'm not as dumb as I pretend. If you figure from the 1980s until 2009, I didn't have any more run-ins with ice, someone must have put her thinking cap on....or taken her clogs off! I learned from that day forward never to wear clogs unless I'm in Holland but in particular, do not ever wear them on an icy, cold day unless you literally want to go down.

Fast forward to last year. As is typical here in Central Oregon, since we are high mountain desert climate, we get our share of ice and snow. Unfortunately always more ice than snow much to my disappointment.

One lovely December day, we had just taken our son to the bus station as he was taking the bus back to the Seattle area. I was sad, I was blue, and I coincidentally was not feeling that great. To cheer me up, Bob decided we'd say goodbye to Pat and then head over to the store, buy ourselves a nice bottle of wine and then have a nice relaxing evening at home. Sounded like just the thing to get me back to square one.

After stopping off at the local store, we pulled into the driveway. It was still afternoon though dusk was fast approaching. I vaguely remember Bob saying 'be careful when you get out of the car because it's icy.....do you want me to take the bottle of wine?'

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I of course blew that off and gave him the eye roll as if to say 'what does he think I am, a retard? Like I don't know how to handle a little ice and snow?'

Again - that was the last thing I remember. Thinking I was being oh so clever, instead of stepping out onto the driveway which I swear my husband waxes in the summertime with sealant so it can be an ice rink in the wintertime, I decided to step on the running board of the SUV. And she's off.........

I only remember putting my feet on the running board and the next thing I knew, I shot off into the driveway, somehow flipped around and was lying on my back in the snow, clutching the bottle of wine like a football.

I hear 'what in the HELL are you doing?', the car door opening, slamming shut, and the next thing I know, Bob is leaning over me and of course practically yelling in my face! 'Didn't I tell you to be careful? What the hell are you trying to do?'

I'm still not sure if he was mad because he was worried about the wine (which look Bob - I happened to save), or if he was just mad because I shot off the car like I was parachuting out the side of a plane. I bet he was just jealous that I could look so graceful and not even break the wine!! (Yeah - that's it)

I gathered what dignity I had left (of course all the while glancing around frantically to see if any neighbors were out - which several were - so I waved helplessly from the ground)...and through gritted teeth muttered to Bob 'what the hell do you THINK I'm doing, Bob? I wanted to make some snow angels before I went in the house!! Do you think it's working?'

Oy vey and all that's Jewish (and I'm not).....I dragged myself to my feet and though I felt like spiking the wine into the driveway for good measure, I hobbled to the garage and into the house.....oh my aching back!

The Next Week

Oh yeah - I had to make sure I stayed in shape with my funny stories about the ice so I didn't want to let too much time go by before perfecting yet another slip and fall! The ice queen strikes again.

This time, it's almost dusk (this seems to be the problem really) and some friends had come to visit for New Year's. They had been reading about a house nearby that was for sale and asked us if we could all pile in the car and go look at it. Of course - why not?

Again, we were in the grips of subzero weather and as we are driving the short distance to these new homes, Bob starts the checklist. 'Audrey - do you have your boots on? Do you have your gloves and hat on?'

I patiently answer 'Yes, dad - I even have my underwear on and I brushed my teeth'. In all honesty, he might better have asked 'Do you have your helmet on'....seriously.

Our friends are sitting in the backseat of the SUV kind of puzzled so of course they have to ask what he's asking me all this for - and Bob has to jokingly tell them all about my flight off the running board of the SUV the week before (oh my friend says - that explains the limp...do ya think?).

Okay, so get over it. I can take a joke but enough is enough. So we arrive at the house they want to see and by looking through the windshield, you can see that everything around is nothing but a sheer piece of ice. I wasn't born yesterday though, folks, and I KNOW now what the running board does when you go fast - it freezes up and there is no way, no how I'm stepping one little TOE on that thing!

So Bob stops the car, I open the door and instead of putting my feet on the running board, I purposefully step out onto the street with my trusty boots. That's all I remember! Are you freaking kidding me??

Okay - seriously - this is so not fair. I step out onto the pavement, which is nothing but a piece of ice. I tried in vain to catch myself on the door but alas to my amazement, the whole falling down the stairs scenario reared its ugly head yet again. I caught my arm in the door as I was falling and heard that oh-now-familiar ripping sound in my shoulder....and down I went, just narrowly missing the running board with my HEAD this time.

I'm laying on the street on my back clutching my arm - and all I can hear inside the car is my girlfriend screaming 'she FELL, she FELL'.....really - do ya think? Or did I just disappear so I could look under the car...maybe so!

As I turned my head to the right as I lay on the concrete iced pavement, I saw a woman standing in her front window silhouetted by the light behind her and could see the setting sun reflected in the window as well. 'How lovely' I thought....and then I realized that said woman was doubled over LAUGHING HER HEAD off at me lying in the street. I honestly thought about flipping her off from where I lie on my back but decided if I needed an ambulance, it probably wouldn't be in my best interests.

Sigh.....car doors open, there are running feet - how in the name of blazes can THEY be running and I'm lying on the ground flat on my back? Again with the 'What in the HELL are you doing, Audrey?' I can't believe this is always the question! Doesn't he know by now that there really is no good answer!!

So they help me up - everyone was concerned that I hit my head - even the chuckling buffoon in the window opened her door and yelled out (finally) if I was okay - 'sure - no thanks to you sweetheart! Hope you enjoyed the show!!'

Another evening with ice packs and heating pads but nothing was damaged except my bloody pride yet again. You would think by this time I would have none left, eh?

Funny Stories About Ice: What Goes Up Must Come Down

I wish I could say that was the end of it but I would be lucky then. As my un-luck would have it, when you least expect it....smile - you're on candid camera!

At least I can say I did not have any more slips or falls last year - on the ice. I actually stayed in the house the rest of the winter. Not really!!

This week, our first real arctic blast came through and we've been experiencing single digits this week with just a bit of snow. The snow is what I dream of, what I long for, what I wait breathlessly for because of course I have my malamutes and I have my new sled. I'm dying to get out there and try it out!!

So I was a tad disappointed this week when the temperatures plunged and we had such a paltry amount of snow to show for it but I'm no quitter! When the first flakes fell, I was bound and determined to get out there and snap some pictures - of the snowy landscape and of the dogs playing on the deck.

The other night just as it began to snow in earnest bout 7:30 or 8:00, I grabbed the digital SLR camera that is Bob's pride and joy and headed out on the deck to capture my dogs in their element. I was out there for about 5 minutes and was trying to get them to engage for me in their kangaroo wrestling style in the snow when I realized that I had the worst karma in the world.

Step, step, oh good God you have to be kidding me....I'm slip, slip, sliding away....I hadn't quite planned on the ice factor on the deck and realizing that I was losing my balance and that I had the camera in my hand with the railing just inches from my hand where I might accidentally FLING the camera off, I became focused on trying to stay upright.

I lurched this way and I lurched that way. I swore like a sailor, enough to get my dogs' attention and they stopped what they were doing just to watch me as in slow motion I tried to right my ship.

My ship's not been right for some time I have to say and before I knew it, I was waving my arms behind me like windmills and I could feel the crash before I even hit. Much to my further dismay, I looked up through the French doors just in time to see my white knight, my kind husband Bob LAUGHING!

As I lurched and cavorted on the ice, I said lots of things I will not apologize for....but in the end, the ice won out and down I went with a crash - of course onto my already bad left hip, smacking my left wrist on the blasted railing for good measure (at least I didn't catch my arm in it!!). Minutes ticked past.....the door finally opened and I could HEAR him trying not to laugh.

'Audrey, are you okay?' At least he didn't say 'Audrey - what the HELL are you doing?'.....sigh.

'Of course I'm okay, Bob - that was just a little prelim getting ready for the sled runs, you know? I wanted to see how it would feel to crash my blasted butt down on the deck on the ice just so I could get ready for more tumbles!' Yee-ha!

Lucky for me, I seem to have a quarterback's sense about what I'm holding. I tucked and rolled with the camera so the camera was just fine....I wish I could say the same about my hip.

Every so often as I'm dragging my leg around, I hear this little evil 'twitter' from my husband beside me or behind me...I just know he's remembering how stupid I looked out there trying to catch myself and stop the fall. At least I didn't fall over the railing - and at least I didn't break anything....but my pride.

Epilogue

I've decided to just give in and get a helmet. I think I should wear it at all times during the winter months if I venture outside.

I probably need some shin guards, some sliding pants and some knee and elbow pads as well. Actually, I'm wondering if they have full body suits for winter wear. That might work.

All I can say is that at least when I fell the other day outside on the deck....I didn't have to worry about anyone (else) seeing me as the only person who saw me was Bob.....I hope.

Of course, I'm still not convinced that my dogs aren't laughing about it too. They seem to have a little snicker on their faces too and one of these days......

I've decided to let Bob be the outdoor picture taker though just to be on the safe side or my second option is to put on short cross country skis so I'm always prepared and I can act cool rather than just look like a klutz!

Actually, after watching the ice skating video, I'm not sure why I didn't think of it before! That would be the perfect sport for me since I have all this inherent grace and poise on the ice. I'm rushing out right now to buy some skates!

My Next Career Move

Ooops!

Can I Ever Identify!

Comments

mactavers on October 23, 2021:

Very funny, but take my advice and move to Arizona.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on January 19, 2011:

Wayne....no worries about laughing at my misfortune...it happens all the time in my world! I think I need something permanently attached to my rear and probably my head....I seem to be just poultry in motion! Glad you enjoyed my 'ride'.

Wayne Brown from Texas on January 19, 2011:

Skates! Surely you are joking...if not, get some duct tape and put one of them on the back of your head and the other on your rear...that should help to break the fall. Your feet stay up in the air so much I doubt you will get any use out of them if you wear them in the traditional fashion! LOL! That was a fun read, Audrey...sorry to laugh at your misfortunes! WB

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 12, 2010:

Oh my gosh, Petra - if only all these stories happened to someone else named Audrey!! But they have all happened to me. I am a walking disaster waiting to be a comedy. Good for you on the ice skating - I definitely don't think I'd ever even ATTEMPT something that graceful as we all know how that little episode would end up - me in traction...and my Bob in stitches.

My family keeps me around for the sheer amusement factor alone - and I happen to be a really good cook! Thanks so much for dropping by!

Petra Vlah from Los Angeles on December 11, 2010:

Whether this was for real or just made up, it does not matter; it is so very funny that I just laugh and enjoyed it - as an ex ice skater, even more so. If you were really hurt, than I am sorry, but it is still funny

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on December 03, 2010:

Micky, I have heard this echoed by my husband many, many times. I think though it might be overkill when I step out on my own blasted deck with a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads. Who could BE this big of a klutz? Even my dogs were snickering behind my back....don't think I don't know it too!

Micky Dee on December 03, 2010:

Oh my! I'm thinking you need a helmet a lot of the time. I'm now thinking helmets should be required for ice-skating! Buttons up as always akirchner! Knee pads, elbow pads, and helmet!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 30, 2010:

HH - You poor thing! I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you are on the mend and feeling better (and like laughing really hard) soon.

Hello, hello, from London, UK on November 30, 2010:

Audrey, please the next time write it when my stomach has not been cut open and I can have the laygh you hub deserves.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 29, 2010:

Crewman6, I don't think I have a choice. If I was going for sexy or suave and sophisticated, I think I missed both those boats. If I lose my sense of humor, I may be doomed! Thanks so much for the read and glad to know I made your day a little happier for my goofiness!

Crewman6 on November 29, 2010:

I like how you always see the humor in a situation. Thanks for getting me to smile before going to work. Not the easiest thing to do...

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 27, 2010:

Katie - I think I'm afraid of the ice but somehow I have to live with it so there ya go! The other day when we were in Bend shopping for Thanksgiving, it was a HIGH temp of about 7 degrees. I ventured out to let Griff go use the 'facilities' and he almost had me skiing in the parking lot. I was TRULY scared that I was going to be making the news as we careened across the parking lot going 60 G's....thankfully I reminded him very succinctly of who was the boss (yeah, right) - I got lucky!

Katie McMurray from Ohio on November 27, 2010:

Oh wonderful story, I was born in Illinios and Chicago is just the place to learn a thing or two about ice and cold.... Your so funny and a great story teller. I liked both stories and always look forward to funny stories by akirchner. Terrible to know someone is in pain from an ice fall but oh the videos are so funny and yet more of an OUCH than anything... OUCH I'm scared of the ice now... :) :)

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 27, 2010:

Thanks so much for the read daydreamer13!

daydreamer13 on November 26, 2010:

This was lots of fun to read! Great job!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 26, 2010:

God, Nell - Your story is hilarious in itself! I have tried ice skating and I didn't fall down too many times but I'm thinking if I tried it today - most certainly I would!

Thanks for the tip - will check her out!

Nell Rose from Buckinghamshire UK on November 26, 2010:

Hi, Audrey, I have sat here giggling away, in sympathy of course! it is usually me that ends up flat on my back in the snow and ice! I tried taking up ice skating once, I thought I would be such a natural as I used to do ballet! I went down the steps in my skating boots perfectly lady like, and thought ha that will have them! you watch me, and then what happened? well, I can't remember, one foot on the ice and I shot across it like an exocet missile! then My son took me into the middle and left me! I skithered and slithered to the side, and thought I would get there, but no, too easy! there was a lad with a stretch wool jacket on, I leaned forward, skidded, and fell against him, slithering up his jacket until I was clinging on like a monkey to a tree! his jacket was so stretched two people could have worn it! but he did laugh! great story again, thanks for the laugh, cheers nell

Oh by the way, I have got to give you this link, she is a newbie and I think you two have something in common! ha ha she is hilarious!

https://hubpages.com/@dizzylizzy...

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 26, 2010:

Ah yes, Ken - always amusing my dear Bob with my airobics - love that!! Maybe you are on to something there - my dogs may resent me splatting on them though but at least it would be a cushion!

Stay tuned - we are going to christen the Hubpages sled I bought last month with my contest winnings so I have no doubt there were yet more icy tales to tell. Body armor....I like that too...only with my luck, I'll probably get stuck in it and have to be cut out of it.

saddlerider1 on November 26, 2010:

Ouch, Ouch and more Ouch. I felt your pain as you hit the deck. Audrey you have to take those doogies of yours to obedience school, teach them that when they see you slipping and sliding to automatically surround you and act as your cushion when you go flying in the air and about to land on your ar%e:0)) Sorry, I couldn't help it, I was trying my best to stifle my laughter, but it escaped.

And there's dear old Bob with the gleam in his eye and also trying his darn to hold back his laughter, knowing that he's whispering under his breath, there goes Audrey again doing her airobics again. he he he.

Well I am sure happy to hear that you are okay, however I strongly suggest you invest in some body armor for sure you are prone to being a Lucy way too much, he he

Love it all the videos were excellent. Now go sit down and rest your little fanny:0))

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 26, 2010:

JW - Maybe that's what I need - a warmer climate! ha ha I hate to admit it though, I'm a natural born klutz in any terrain so I guess I'm in good company with you!

Pamela - Glad to be entertaining as I do truly love to share my humor with anyone who'll give me the ear. It beats crying about it I guess!

Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on November 26, 2010:

Audry, Your stories are so funny, one cannot not help but laugh and yet I know it hurts to fall on ice. I have had that personal experience myself. You are always entertaining to say the least.

Jaye Denman from Deep South, USA on November 26, 2010:

Oh, Audrey...Ouch! I feel your pain, even as I chuckle at your stories. I share your propensity for falling, and I don't even have ice to blame. I'm just a klutz. I live in the Deep South where we only get snow and/or ice every five years or so, and it usually melts the same day or the next. Otherwise, I would be challenging your "crown" as Queen of the Ice. JAYE

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 26, 2010:

But Dim - I thought I could stick the landing like the true gymnastic whiz that I am!! Unfortunately that did not occur....and I am blond (though not naturally). People seem to think somehow that this was a good choice for me...I don't really GET that though!

De Greek from UK on November 26, 2010:

So as you were flying down the 3 levels, it occurred to you that this was NOT going to be a good landing did it? Wow! And here I was beginning to suspect that you might be a blond :-)))

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 26, 2010:

Thanks, Darski for enjoying my escapades and you are right, I don't bounce as well as I used to. But after a few days, the soreness is mostly gone although my pride is still wounded since Bob had to catch me! Thanks for the read.

DaniellaWood - Thanks so much for stopping by and will have to check out your story!

Those librarians - they just have no sense of humor! ha ha

DaniellaWood from England on November 26, 2010:

This is hilarrrious, I love it! I have a similar hub about one of my many embarrassing, snow-related experiences...

I'm sat in the library at the moment and am receiving evils from the librarian for laughing at these videos too loudly so best be off! x

Darlene Sabella from Hello, my name is Toast and Jam, I live in the forest with my dog named Sam ... on November 25, 2010:

I have a story that is what comes up must come down, so I had to read this the minute I saw the title lol. I just am happy to know you are okay and that your body is moving...when your old those places will catch up to you, you silly funny girl, I love your sense of humor and as you know I adore you dear friend. rate up

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 25, 2010:

Hi Prasetio - Are you getting the picture that I'm a natural born klutz? I think I need to live in a bubble!

FP - You are so right and don't ya think I tell Bob how lucky he is that he has such an inventive wife? Thanks for stopping by as always!

Feline Prophet on November 25, 2010:

Look at the good side...you saved the wine and the camera! What's a ruined hip here and there? :D

prasetio30 from malang-indonesia on November 25, 2010:

I really enjoy to read your story. I always find something new in your funny story, including this one. I always entertained. The video always make me laugh.Thank you very much. Rating up as always.

Prasetio:)

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on November 25, 2010:

Carolina, I'm beginning to feel the same way....oh my aching everything!

Duchess, I'm leaning that way myself. I actually do feel that I'm performing valuable help to Bob though by checking the undercarriage of the SUV regularly! He is going to get my bill soon - that may offset some of the expense of my 'protective' equipment!

Funny Stories About Ice: What Goes Up Must Come Down

Funny Stories About Ice: What Goes Up Must Come Down

How My Funny Stories About Ice Started

My Next Funny Story About Ice

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The Next Week

Funny Stories About Ice: What Goes Up Must Come Down

Epilogue

More Funny Stories By This Author

My Next Career Move

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Can I Ever Identify!

Comments