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Comedy And Funny Stories About Playing Soccer: My Soccer Bloopers

Favorite Funny Stories - Soccer Bloopers

For those of you who know me now as the mushing old lady, there's yet another side to me I have to introduce you to. These are my favorite funny stories and soccer bloopers.

Growing up, I was not allowed to play sports - you see, I was a musician. Musicians did not play sports - they musicate! Along the way, raising our 3 children, I became sports acclimated thanks to my husband and found that not only did I love sports, but I longed to play sports.

So at the ripe old age of 38, I saw an ad in our local paper for as I refer to it 'old lady soccer' and the rest is history. These are my favorite all-time funny stories of me conquering the new venue of sports and the resultant soccer bloopers.

By the way, the accordion is in the slide show of pics because I believe in my case at least, playing the accordion should be a sport! More on that another day.

Soccer Bloopers - Referee At End is Hysterical

My Favorite Funny Stories and My Soccer Bloopers

My favorite funny stories and these soccer bloopers I single-handedly created in the 7 years I played are dedicated to my husband, Bob - my athletic supporter! He is not just a supporter of my many antics, but in this case, he most definitely was my athletic supporter. He went to almost every game and stood by, all the while an ex-athlete himself and watched as I made a living spectacle out of myself.

The Physical Act of Soccer

By nature, I am a very physical person. I have always been high energy rather than high maintenance - so when I started out playing soccer, I figured I was in pretty good shape and after all, how hard could it be? I went out and bought the proper equipment which basically consisted of good soccer cleats, shin pads, a heavy duty sports bra to keep my boobs from hitting me in the face when I ran, and shorts.

The rest of the uniform - socks and shirt - was supplied by our sponsor who obviously had a great sense of humor. Our tops were LIVID, fluorescent pink and black stripes (thank god vertical) and our socks the same pink. We literally could have glowed in the dark and substituted for lanterns. We also looked like we played for the lesbian prison. Don't think we didn't get a LOT of looks when we went into restaurants after the games.

The physical side of soccer is perhaps the one I do love the best - mostly for kids. All that running is a great release; great exercise, great for teaching kids athleticism. Unfortunately in my case, every time I think I'm approaching athletic, I have to re-think the state of what I'm actually doing and be honest - it is not so much athletic as pathetic!

That said, I got a heavy dose right away of what it meant to 'do it for 90 minutes' - this was PURE exercise and this old lady was dying! On more than one occasion, I turned to the girls either on my team or the opposing team and asked them if they had seen an ovary or a lung on the ground because I was quite sure I had dropped one somewhere on the field. Accordion playing was starting to look better and better.

The Elements

Not sure if you are familiar with the game of soccer but neither rain, sleet, nor dark of night, nor thunderstorms, nor snow....will keep soccer players from their appointed games. Many a night and even many a day, I stood out on a field of 11 (or less depending on who was smart enough to stay home) and battled the elements as well as the other team. It was not a pretty sight. I have a fetish about getting dirt on my hands; once I get it there, I'm okay but I'm not cool with it. I also don't like sweating - unfortunately once I get there, there's not too much I can do about that either so it's all good.

I also don't like running on cinder rock - it really, really hurts when you fall down - and it stays red in your knees or hands when you fall on it. You might say - then don't fall! Ha - why didn't I think of that!! Well, I did and still I fell anyway. I also don't like duck and goose crap - as a matter of fact, it really turns me off. Too bad most of the grass fields we played on were covered with the crap - literally! Several times I was close to retching as I stumbled to my feet with it smeared on the side of my leg or on my hands. (I bet you are thinking now I spent a lot of time on the ground - you guessed right!)

Spitting and Swearing, and Talking Trash

Okay - now here's something you would think I could excel at - yes and no as it turns out. Spitting - I'm not a big fan. People quickly learned this of course and if I was guarding them too close, they would just cough up a loogie and then spit it on my shoe - or try to. I spent quite a bit of my time on the soccer field tap dancing. My coach kept asking me what the heck was wrong with me - I said I was just fidgety and trying to stay alert for the next play!

The swearing I had down in spades....having grown up listening to my grandmother who swore like a sailor, it wasn't that far a leap to go to get to swearing. Only some of my swear words didn't make sense since she was Danish. Oh well - I imagine I avoided a few fights because they didn't really know what I was saying. Several times, however, I did get the right American version out - luckily in all cases I was completely justified and never received one single card!

Trash talking - now there would be my downfall. I am not a fighting type of person by nature. I stand up for things or anything/anyone abused, but when it comes to just picking a fight, when I try to get 'nasty' it just usually doesn't work. The fact that I'm doing it makes me kinda feel sick so I tend to over-think. One particular game, I was really ticked. I was in hot pursuit of this gal who was about 10 years younger than me and she was BOOKING. I was running as fast as I could and had even cranked up the turbo jets. Still I couldn't catch her. I got ugly just because I was pissed! Finally, after I found my lung and my ovary and the play had stopped after she took her blasted shot (and missed - ha ha), I recovered enough to pant 'oh well, you can't help being so fast - you must be on hormones'. She just burst out laughing and said 'do you possibly mean STEROIDS you buffoon?' Geez - no need to get snippy! In fact I did but oh well - we ended up shaking hands at the end of the night and she didn't even try to kick me in the shin - or spit on my shoe.

Even Professionals Have Soccer Bloopers!

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More of My Soccer Bloopers and Favorite Funny Stories

Shots on Goal

If anything, I am a good learner; I am also not a quitter, so over time, I got better - or at least as good as I could get! I had a wicked foot - I could nail a ball and shoot it like a line drive at the goal, sometimes at my teammate meaning it to be a pass (usually they'd just jump out of the way and yell something about finesse), or at the goalie hoping she couldn't handle it. One bright Saturday morning, I was sprinting towards the goal and was all alone.  I'd actually outrun the other team (although I thought for a minute I hoped I was going the right way).  I was going 1-on-1 with the goalie.  Audrey winds up, she shoots - she sends a missile at the goal but unfortunately it goes right dead center at the goalie. The goalie proceeds to kick the living crap out of it right back - whereupon it sails back out and hits me square in the forehead.

Seeing it coming, I was so clever that I immediately reared my neck back and did a header right back at her! Yahoo - surely it had to go in! No such luck - it went back to her blasted foot! Whereupon she wound up and kicked the crap out of it yet again and hit me - this time not in the forehead but right in the face! I did not get a header off this time - it just bounced off my face and went back to her - and then I collapsed on the ground crying. Nice ending. No one had moved since this play began unfortunately or perhaps we could have scored - hell-o-o-o- - I just literally took one for the team!

Sports Bras

Sports bras and soccer are the biggest joke I've ever heard of - that would be like asking a guy to not wear a cup in baseball - 'just put on this athletic supporter - don't worry about it - you'll be fine ya big baby. No one ever gets hit in the nards'. Well, I'm hear to tell you that unless you're watching what I call dueling jugs (one girl's are going one way and the other girl's are going the opposite way while they try and get the ball away from each other), they are not worth the money you spend on them! Except perhaps they hold your appendages somewhat in place and keep your boobs from flapping up and hitting you in the face - or better yet wrapping around your neck.

I can personally testify, however, that they are NO protection when you are hit with a big, well-booted soccer ball square in the chest. I took one such hit and vowed never to let this happen again. The next time I came to the game, I had washcloths stuffed inside my sports bra. People wondered at first if I had gotten a boob job. I said no - just extra protection. The next week I came with hand towels inside. I was going to work up to beach towels but alas, I had quit before I got that far.

Throw-Ins and Other Tricks of the Trade

I once saw a women's soccer game - UCLA and someone - and they had the neatest trick for a throw-in. The gal with the ball got ready to throw in the ball, the girl receiving the ball turned her back and it bounced off her back right back to the thrower as she stepped in and away she went. I tried that - too bad it hit my teammate in the head. She wasn't thrilled. Go figure.

Another time I was defending and the other team was throwing in. I didn't remember any rules saying I couldn't do this so I just basically started jumping up and down like they do on a basketball throw-in, flapping my arms and jumping around. The referee blew the whistle and came over to talk to me.  Meanwhile both sidelines were laughing hysterically and the other coach was yelling 'she can't DO that!'  Wanna bet? Show me the rule where it says I can't! The referee after talking with me said she really didn't think there was a rule against it but it did look kind of stupid. Oh well - I don't see what's so bad about being innovative.

Being Goalie Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be

I actually did have a pretty good success rate on the field after I got the hang of certain things. I scored a lot of goals and that was my favorite part. I also assisted with a lot of goals with those gigantic kicks I pulled from somewhere. However, certain times when I was partially injured, they talked me into being goalie. I still think they did it for the comedy. I would say I am a type AAAA personality - at least. I have to try my hardest at everything and if I don't succeed, I just try harder. It also makes me nervous when people are depending on me!  I don't like to do poorly or disappoint so when they put me in the net and told me to keep the score even or better yet, keep the other team from winning, you would have thought I was in the World Cup.

As soon as the other team crossed the center line, I was on it. I chattered nonstop and this served both to distract the other team by my funny utterances and comments as well as amuse my own teammates to no end. I was telling people to post up and get on this girl - get the lead out - quit standing around back here looking at her and get a move on it! Turn up those jets, Betty Lou and knock her on her arse if you have to! (Not really but you get the drift)

If all else failed and the girl with the ball was coming at me and I could see I had no defense, I usually would just come flying out of the goal, meet her head on and kick it out or back into play down the field. Of course, there were some spectacular dives and slides on my part - mostly into the turf or nearly missing banging my face on the goal post but hey - it was all good. So I got my fingers bent back a couple of times or pounded in the stomach with a line drive, kicked in various parts as I smothered the ball - it was all good!

The Injuries

In the roughly 7 or so years that I played, I tore my quadriceps tendon, I fractured my shin, I broke my big toe twice and 2 other toes, I sprained and pulled various muscles and tendons including my neck (what a surprise), and I finally ended up chipping the bone in my nose doing a header.

This particular event was SO unfair. I got to finally play at a high school stadium under the lights and I was SO jazzed! I was perfectly positioned for the header of a lifetime when I got blinded by the light - literally. The ball, which was wet and weighed roughly 500 pounds because we were playing in pouring rain, dropped out of the sky while I was still looking for it and smashed me right in the face. To say I was down for the count would be kind. I was seriously looking for my teeth on the turf - luckily they were still in my mouth and not there - I just had a fat lip to go with the broken nose.

Bob and I (and my doctors) finally decided that since my medical folder was about 3 inches thick and it was all because of soccer injuries, that I needed to think of retirement. Besides, I had begun to carry so many bandages, braces, packs, and equipment (not to mention Advil and aspirin) in my bag that I was known by all the teams as 'the trainer'. If anyone got hurt or needed something, they always came running over to me and asked what I had. I began to feel like I was selling drugs out of my athletic bag! At any rate, when the bag is heavier than you can carry and it's because of ancillary medical equipment, it might be time to hang up the cleats.

Summing It Up - Soccer Bloopers and Funny Stories

It was another part of my life that I thoroughly enjoyed. I learned a lot and I have many fond memories. I still dream that I'm running down that field, cutting in, and taking the shot. I loved the goals I scored and all the fun set-ups that I was part of. I also loved saving some of those shots that could have sailed into the netting behind me. The less than athletic parts were good too because they kept me humble.

Soccer is a complex, physically demanding, and exhilarating sport. I only wish I'd started many decades earlier as I'm sure I would have enjoyed it even more. I had friends suggest I take up rugby - they are so funny!

I also played coed - at one time I was playing on 3 teams per week. I found playing soccer with the men though not so fun. I ended up being bounced backwards onto the turf while I was guarding some guy when he hit me with his butt. I asked the referee if THAT was legal and he said sure - as long as it wasn't a hand or a foot! And playing goalie against men - priceless! I'm surprised that I did walk away with all my teeth.

Don't forget to stay tuned to the 2010 World Cup starting June 11th - and if you watch it - think of me! I will be home sitting on the couch busily moving my feet as if I was doing it myself, running down the field and taking shots with the pros!  Of course, they all have my number on speed dial if they need any pointers and tips!

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Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 27, 2010:

Thanks, Katie - I wish I could do it all over again like so many things in my life!

Katie McMurray from Ohio on May 27, 2010:

Thanks so much for the great big belly laugh. Love the favorite funny stories soccer bloopers. Yes Yes Yes just fav! Peace :)

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 27, 2010:

Thanks, Micky - I can only try!

Micky Dee on May 27, 2010:

Funny stuff! Thank you Ma'am!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 25, 2010:

Any old time, Holle - yes, alas, I am not only an accordionist and a musher, but I was such an athlete! Bob loves being my athletic supporter. I'm so glad you liked it and I enjoyed the 'run' down memory lane. I still do miss it terribly but it made more sense to retire at my 'peak'....if there ever was a peak! I should probably have tried rugby at least once or twice - maybe someday down the road....that or pole vaulting!

Holle Abee from Georgia on May 24, 2010:

OMG, Audrey, you have me laughing out loud!! "Lesbian prison" uniforms?? Love it! I didn't know you were such an athlete. Oh, and Bob as your "athletic supporter" - loved that one, too. Thanks for the links, girlfriend!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 24, 2010:

Thanks, Darlene - I never know what I'm going to write either - if only I could give up sleeping it would surely help! Thanks as always for stopping by....glad I could conjure up a laugh for ya!

Darlene Sabella from Hello, my name is Toast and Jam, I live in the forest with my dog named Sam ... on May 24, 2010:

Sport is really not my thing at all, however reading your hub is my thing, I love how you write and never know what you are going to write about. This was really a fun hub, thumbs up and that for the LOL....

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 24, 2010:

Thanks so much prasetio - that is very, very sweet - and glad to be of service in the laughing department. Laughter is the thing I find best relieves stress and I'm glad I could make you laugh!

prasetio30 from malang-indonesia on May 24, 2010:

Those are really funny stories. I read this hub twice and I want to read more and more. I can't stop to laugh. great hub. Thumbs up for you. I hope it can release our stress for a while. Let me rate your hub! thank you very much, my friend.


Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 24, 2010:

Thanks, Shellie - I actually loved the game although it just didn't seem to be my best 'thing' and all that. You are so right on the sports bras though - I'm thinking of designing one someday (in my spare time) that has armor plating and can deflect soccer balls (or other hurtling objects)!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 24, 2010:

SUPREME compliments coming from someone who does the same thing to me! And I am already wearing a back brace for my disk - that is spelled DISK in case you are wondering...hey - I just call 'em like I see 'em and mainly at my own expense. I am known to my friends as their very own Lucille Ball - where I go, laughter follows so gotta share it. Thanks for the wonderful laugh back on the operatic evening!

theherbivorehippi from Holly, MI on May 24, 2010: are sooooo right...sports bras do not offer protection and those balls hurt. I always hated soccer! I hated when I had to play it in school. I loved every sport aside from it...probably because I sucked at it! lol

De Greek from UK on May 24, 2010:

• athletic supporter?????? Do you KNOW what that means you insane person?

• an ovary or a lung on the ground?

• duck and goose crap?

• played for the lesbian prison?

• cranked up the turbo jets?

• 'do you possibly mean STEROIDS you buffoon?

• I hoped I was going the right way?

• Crying?

• selling drugs?

What have I ever done to you, you harebrained nut case???! I never had a hernia before and never expected to get one from laughing. There should be a law against allowing you near a computer for writing purposes YOU LUNATIC! :-)))))

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 24, 2010:

Thanks so much, Tatto for the kudos and for reading. I do love the game and yes, my face healed well. My ENT decided not to fix the little chip because as he put it I'd probably be fool enough to go out and try something equally stupid - he was probably right...enter mushing for old ladies.

TattoGuy on May 24, 2010:

That is the best sporting piece of writing I have read in a long time, hope yer face is ok now, bloody hurts a football in the face. Cheers for a totally awesome hub, just awesome !!!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 24, 2010:

Thanks so much alek for stopping by - too true. I remember it all fondly and laugh, while I limp down the hall. It was all good though - I am ever grateful for all my many and varied experiences!

Nancy Hinchliff from Essex Junction, Vermont on May 24, 2010:

So funny....a great start to my day. Thanks.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 24, 2010:

Raisingme, thanks so much for stopping by - yes - that seemed to be the best place for most folks when I was on the field, either on the sidelines or in a bleacher watching. I did provide much entertainment though so that is good!

Hello, hello - you are too hilarious! Thanks for stopping in and commenting. Yes, it was a tough choice and many of the fellows were quite disappointed that I could not at least coach, much less play in disguise. Unfortunately, they would not let me bring my malamutes and that was the final deciding vote there for me!

Hello, hello, from London, UK on May 24, 2010:

Thank you for such a great laugh. You are great. I could so much with it. I have got one question, 'Why did you refuse when they elected you to play in the World Cup?' How could you?

raisingme from Fraser Valley, British Columbia on May 24, 2010:

Wow, you are brave. My mum used to think I was nuts because I'd ride my horse in all kinds of weather - but he did all the work and he was the one who got dirty, I just had to sit there and go along for the ride. You told your story so well that I felt that I was sitting in the nice, dry bleachers watching the games! Congratulations on a great hub and on being such a great sport!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 23, 2010:

Thanks for stopping by drbj - you can see why accordion playing might have been in my best interests - but then not so much there either. I love sports and I am so stoked that I got the opportunity to be a 'star' for a little while - and the friends that I made were kind!

drbj and sherry from south Florida on May 23, 2010:

Great soccer stories and very realistic. I still have a vision of you trying to hit a teammate in the back with a soccer ball to have it bounce back to you and hitting her in the head instead. Funny! Thanks for the laughs.

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 23, 2010:

Thanks - it was probably great comedic relief. I try and just remember I have a great sense of humor and that's why I did it, right? Thanks so much for stopping by, bail up.

Bail Up ! on May 23, 2010:

Very funny hub. Sounds like you had a great time being the athlete. I would of paid to see one of those games!

Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on May 23, 2010:

Thank you Paradise7 - I love to make y'all laugh as it makes me remember and laugh with you. Thanks for stopping by. Audrey

Paradise7 from Upstate New York on May 23, 2010:

LMAO! (laughed my A** off !) This was really funny. Thank you!

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