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Don’t Let the Apocalypse Catch You Unprepared. The End of the World Is for Everyone. (Satire) Part Two

Welcome To Your New Dystopian Lifestyle

Many of us have read books and watched many movies about civilization's demise and its grim aftermath. You've pictured yourself scavenging among the echoes of a bygone era in these post-apocalyptic settings.

Don’t let the apocalypse catch you unprepared; remember these tips, and when you find yourself in a post-apocalyptic world, you’ll be ready for your new dystopian lifestyle.


Don't trust Post-Apocalypse Pets

Next, never get a dog. Typically, a dog is a good companion but not in a dystopian world. A pet is just one more mouth to feed. Sure, a dog will alert you whenever danger is close; however, they can also be the danger.

A dog would be a great hunting partner, but anything you catch, no matter how small the prey, you’ll have to share it with the dog. It’s not like you can run to the store for some kibbles and bits.

Also, you can’t be too careful around post-apocalyptic dogs when food is scarce; because, you never know when the little mongrel might use you as a chew toy. If, however, you have to have an animal, get something low maintenance. Get something practical, like a horse.


If you get a horse, you won’t need to share your meat because a horse only runs on grass and water, which means you don't worry about gas.

You also won’t need to hunt for parts, and the best part is, you’re riding around on a potential meal. One broken leg, and you’ll be eating for a whole month, granted you have some way of keeping horse meat from going bad. Therefore stay away from dystopian dogs because you will have to sleep with one eye open.

A child threatens your safety in a post-apocalyptic world

It's irresponsible having children in a post-apocalyptic world. Screw repopulating the earth; like pets, it's just more mouths to feed. These little royalties demand your very soul; OK, that might be an exaggeration, but all they do is eat, sleep, shit, and worst of all, cry. Oh god, do they cry, that alone will get you killed; you might as well hide in a hole or perhaps a sound-proof tanker.


A child threatens your safety in a post-apocalyptic world. What if the mutants are hunting you, and your offspring decides to take a shit? The stench would be like ringing a diner bell, not only for the mutants with their heightened senses but for every predator around.

Also, if you don’t have kids, then you don't have to worry about them being in a life or death struggle for the entertainment of oddly dressed people. However, if you’re a cannibal and people are livestock, then reproducing is the best thing you can do.

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Religion will be popular is a Post-apocalypse society

Dust off your narcissism and sharpen your charisma because the end of the world is an excellent time to start a religion. Most people are geniuses at fooling themselves, and it doesn’t take much to influence them; you only have to agree with them. Human beings have a cute little habit of trying to make sense of the world.

Humans fear uncertainties and crave purpose, and they’re always looking for something or someone to believe in, and with the world in ruins, those anxieties are amplified. It will be easy to find followers. Start working on your psychological manipulation skills, and when the end comes, present yourself as the second coming.


A word of caution, you won’t be the only one trying to win hearts and minds with the savior routine, which means you’ll need to stand out from the rest of the religious zealots. And a great way to stand out is don’t refer to your organization as a cult; no matter how bad a post-apocalyptic world is, no one wants to know they joined a cult.

Give your organization a nice name, like the church of Scientology or The Way International, something that appeals to people’s vanity and hope. Conversely, if blasphemy makes you uneasy, or you’re a female, then pretend you’re a prophet sent by god. Don’t worry; you’ll still get the same perks as claiming you’re the Messiah.


Be warned; people aren’t gullible forever. They’ll eventually begin to see through your lies and empty promises because every time the biker gang raids your compound, you hide under the bed and wait until they leave. So keep in mind that someday, you might find yourself being hunted through the wasteland by the same religious group that you started.

If the David Koresh routine isn’t your thing and you lack the will to manipulate people, then try to avoid any clubs with a leader whose gaze is as intense as a tiger stalking its prey and with teeth so white you can see them from the moon. And, his followers love bomb people and try to get them to sign a billion year contract.

You don't need to become a die-hard survivalist to survive the end of the world. All you need to enjoy your stay in a post-apocalyptic world are some practical skills and common sense. They will serve you well in the end. And remember, the end of the world is for everyone.

© 2022 William Saint Val

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