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Numbers Don't Lie

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Sometimes it is good to not think, why must one spend every waking moment of their existence creating a flow of thought.

Breathe. Count. Breathe.

Slacking again. It went differently this time. I never know how to explain It. Do I have to? I am surprised that she is still sticking around. SHE must be something special. My uncertain side likes to fill my ears with deception, it is distracting sometimes. The thing that makes it real is also what makes it a delusion. Just inhale, I am still breathing. I am good. Inhale… exhale. I am fine.


Gotta stretch my fingers. When I type in this way it seems that I write differently depending on who is reading, always more than I think. I am rusty at this time because given my track record I lose interest in things that I love doing, I go cold for months at a time. There are times that I can sit and do absolutely nothing for hours. Is that weird? It is perfect for my job. Gotta do that. Just observe. I am good at that. I enjoy having a career that feels like a different reality at times. A break from life. A break from my phone. A break from anything in my life, because I cannot access it. Counting. Just breathe and count everything. How many people are in this room? How many lights do I count on the ceiling? How many pens do I have? Numbers don’t lie. One, two, three…Breath. Just stop thinking and count. Backwards from 100 and then back again. 100…99…98…Breathe.


Why do I care what people think? Why does anyone care? They shouldn't. We are just people, doing what people do. Which is what exactly, I am not sure. I don’t know.


Things are a little blurry at times, but clearer than ever. How is my life such a contradiction? Maybe I will play a game. OR maybe I will just sit here. I want to watch Billie Eilish videos. Her voice is interesting to me. I also want to play video games. OR maybe I crave to escape into the video game. Although I escape into my writing… which is very satisfying. That is a better way of putting it. I enjoy typing fast and moving my hands quickly.

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Who is even listening? When I feel myself start to lose my bearings… I begin to count things. I know I have 10 fingers but I keep counting them as if I could lose one at any moment. One, two, three, four, five. Five fingers on one hand, and five on the other. Why am I losing count again. I can’t clear my mind. Breath and start over.

It is a horrible way to feel, to feel like no one cares. I know SHE cares. It breaks my heart that some people don't have someone one in their life like I have.

I gotta keep track of the NUMBER of everything I have. Keep track of the NUMBER of people who walk into the room. I have got to count the number of items I have and everything will be ok. Life goes on. Stop going crazy. Numbers don’t lie. Stress arises… start counting. I guess I am exactly where I am supposed to be.


Breathe. Count. Breathe. Count. Why is counting so relaxing?


This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2021 Virginia

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