Lori loves a good punchline. She loves to spread humor to make people laugh and not take life too seriously.
Greetings my readers, Andy here. I am an advice column writer, using puns to make it fun. We need to laugh in these uncertain times. We are soon to enter the fall season so fall is our theme today; the food, the weather, the trees, holidays, and anything else related. I hope you will enjoy this installment of Dear Andy.
Son-in-law with Bad Table Manners
My son-in-law has lost his Gourd ; so much so I feel like Raking him over the coals. My daughter thinks he's aMaizing.
What's the problem you may ask? His table manners for one. When they come over for supper, he Scarfs down his food so fast, that bits of food fly out of his mouth and down his chin. The other day he Gobbled down his Chilli and spilled it down his shirt and onto the table. My wife went nuts when she couldn't get out the stain.
We had a dinner party recently and our daughter insisted they come. When everyone saw him eat he got a very Frosty reception from our guests. For once my daughter was embarrassed and grabbed his arm and Briskly escorted him to the car. He got mad and Stalked back into the house, sat down, and finished his dinner. The guests left the table one by one and everything was ruined.
Andy, this has gone too far. We don't want him around anymore when meals are served, but we don't want to hurt our daughter. What should we do?
Andy's Answer to Squirrely Father-in-law
Dear Squirrely Father-in-Law,
Oh my, what a problem. Owl try to give you a doable answer, but some problems Stump even me.
There are a couple of options:
You might take your daughter aside and talk to her, since she is well awAir of his bad manners. Orange to have them come over before or after meals.
Or, unfortunately, you may have to just accept it and don't have guests while he's there. Yellonly alienate your friends if you do. And for heavens sake, don't punch him out or your family will have to Bale you out of jail.
Best of luck,
Crispled Husband Bitter Toward Wife
Dear Andy, I have an embarrassing and unsightly medical issue, Corns and bOnions on my feet. It's easy to hide during fall and winter, but when the weather is warm, I like to wear sandals. Recently, my Foot Balled up and now I can't walk. My wife Susan said "Here let me help," Then she took a mallet and Squashed it. I Howled, "Hay, why did you do that? You're Leafing me crippled."
Later that day, I sat be Cider with my swollen foot in her lap. My pain level was still off the charts and my mind was Foggy. I was sweating so bad my wife complained I smelled Ripe, and I was Reapulsive. You know what she said then, Andy? "That's the Thanks I get for Giving you a little help?"
The nerve. She did it to me. It was Berry humiliating and I began to cry. Her eyes grew Misty and she felt bad. She put a Solstice on my foot and Applegized. Nice enough I suppose, but I'm still Crispled and can no longer walk without Crunches. And I can't shake the Bitternes. I Stew all day. I confess, one day I gave a Black Eye to Susan.
I'm trying to convince our adult children to agree to put my wife into an Allysum.
Am I going to far Andy?
Andy's Answer to Crispled Husband
Dear Crispled Husband,
My, my, you poor guy, what a Bloomin' tragedy. No offense, but you did not Marry a Gold ribbon wife. I can see where you'd be tempted to beat the Stuffing out of her, but of course, that's a sure ticket to jail and morally wrong.
I think the best choice, and maybe the most difficult, is to forgive your wife. If you can't get there, pray and ask God to help you. Also, get some marriage counseling.
Sister Moons People
My sister came to live with us recently when she began to Fall on hard times. My husband and I were shocked to discover an appalling habit she has. Are you ready for this? She likes to Moon people. I'm not kidding. Last week she went out to get the mail and Mooned the mailman. He screamed and ran away. All our bills are Dew but the mailman won't deShiver them. We didn't get out tax return either.
Yesterday's incident was the Straw that broke the camel's back. She Pecan to Moon our very goofy neighbor while we were talking in the driveway. He Howeld like a Wolf with laughter. It nearly took the Wind out of me. I told my neighbor to quit encouraging her. He got mad and Blustered and postured.
I went back in the house and wrote a love letter to him and signed her name and left it on his doorstep, hoping he will find it and read it today and take her as a wife. Problem solved. Did I go too far?
Andy's Answer to Mortified Sister
Dear Mortified Sister,
I thought I'd heard everything, but Iyam laughing myself silly. I'm sorry, I know it's a serious problem but I just can't help myself.
As to the letter, well, it was the wrong thing to do technically, but I don't blame you. Have you talked to your sister about this terrible habit? I think this is a situation where you say shape up or get out. Perhaps you could loan her a bit of money. I hope your neighbor takes the bait.
Shy Man Wants to Ask a Woman Out
My name is Elmer, I am a single man of 35 and homely. I have never had a Date. There is a woman in the office I am Pining away for. She is friendly to me, always says hi. I am thinking of Aspen her out for coffee but I've always been turned down my whole life. I don't take rejection well. Today I bought her a Fir coat and a maple bar from the bakery to kind of smooth the way. She likes Dressing up and loves sweets. But now, I have lost my nerve to give them to her.
Andy, any advice you can give me would be most appreciated.
Big Time Loser, Elmer
Andy's Answer to Big Time Loser Elmer
I will not call you big-time loser. Elmer, it sounds like you are just a shy man lacking confidence. That, my friend, does not make you a loser.
First of all, a Fir coat is not appropriate at all. In fact, you may well alienate her with such a lavish gift, since you have no significant relationship as of yet. Giving gifts is not the best way to get a date in your circumstances. I would say not to rush this. You need to establish a friendship and that takes time.
If you are shy you will have to take baby steps. Say hello and ask how she's doing? Try to make small contact with her often. Find out what interests her and ask questions. Or do some research on topics of interest to her. There is also a risk of overdoing it too. Take it very slow and don't overwhelm her. Even if she ends up not wanting to go out, which is a risk all people take, try to discern what you have learned and know that you've grown one step further in how to overcome your fears in these matters. By the way, have you ever tried an online dating site? It will help you get used to approaching women and maybe give you the experience you need to do in-person dating down the line. Let me know how it goes and best of luck to you Elmer.
Well, well. What a group. Thanks for reading and enjoy pumpkin lattes, cozy sweaters, and bonfires. Happy Fall. Love, Andy.
Lori Colbo (author) from United States on September 14, 2021:
Pamela, I think you have always been Andy's most appreciative fan. Thanks for stopping by.
Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on September 14, 2021:
I have missed Andy's advice, and this was an excellent article, Lori. I liked all the advice but the mooning problem was probably the funniest. I enjoyed reading this very funny article.