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DNA, Rape and Scotland


DNA, Rape and Scotland

Should I decide to imitate Samson and slay 1,000 men with the jawbone of an ass, the police will probably want to arrest and interview under caution someone named Frank Anthony Macdonald.

I do not know who Frank Anthony Macdonald is. I have never met him. But I had my DNA tested at FrmilyTreeDNA, who claim that Frank Anthony Macdonald’s male ancestral DNA and mine are an exact match.

This means that our original male common ancestor was a serial rapist, and we are the proof of what our different great, great grandmothers suffered at his hands. At least he obviously did not murder them after the act. He probably thought he had already inflicted a fate worse than death, so why bother?

And don’t tell me we are the fruit of loving consensual joining under the summer moon. There are no Summers in Scotland. Consequently, no woman of sound mind and body would willingly consent to have it off in the freezing cold with some bearded Lothario, no matter how dashing he may have appeared in his plaited kilt.

Why assume the dastardly deed took place in Scotland and not my own country, Cyprus, I hear you say. Well, 6,000 years ago, when the deed was likely done, Scots were not known for package tours to sunny lands and Cypriots get seasick in swimming pools, so we can certainly rule out the latter option.

Also, the name Macdonald sort of gives the game away. However, from other DNA evidence the rapist was probably a Danish Viking tourist, whose own country is so cold the Danes think Scotland lies in the Tropic of Cancer. Danish Vikings are known to have sailed over in large groups for millennia to avail themselves of Scottish attractions.

Contrary to family tradition, personally, I have never felt the slightest inclination towards rape, but I do not know if the same applies to my Scottish cousin. I do not wish to cast aspersions on any relative of mine however distant, but one has to protect one’s good name, in case the police will call on me with relevant questions about incidents in Scotland. Perhaps the family history may have seeds that lay dormant in him, though he is likely to be a sound member of the Church of Scotland of long standing. Family urges and traditions are very odd things.

So, in conclusion cousin Frank Anthony Macdonald, if your DNA is found at a major crime scene, you can always cop out by blaming everything on me. And I will do the same about those I slain with the jawbone of an ass.

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