I understand, when I open my eyes, each single day is a free day for me. Happy to know that I am still alive! Yet I stay strong in my faith, knowing that I am still here; God is not done with me!
When Diane Chambers asked for help...
On a Mirror, I See Myself...
Today is the day...
Not a good thing to be alone in this world. However, I have no choice at 61 years of age. I seat myself in front of this old mirror and I see this Brian Butler. He can talk to me...or I can talk to him, right? Who cares anyway. I sip from my fresh cup of coffee and hum!! The ritual of the cup I got for Father's day, the spoon, the hot water, the fresh goat milk, and the little heap of
brown grit. You understand...the way they come together to form a nail I can hang the
day on. The war between falling asleep and being awake happens right in front of my eyes.
My story, my beginning...
IMAGES AS SLIDES OF A LIFETIME
As a baby I see myself inside this warm incubator - Mother rushes me to emergency at nine days old. The blood and puss comes out from my tiny pores. The 'poison' was growing and spreading; and man had to cure it. All they can do is hope for a miracle. My trembling feeble body is "infected with Stephaccocus." The nurse is writing in her clip board report.
In her own words: "this baby is really in pain..." Over and over you read it in the medical reports - as the poison was inside the bones. The structure was changing and practically eating away my little existence, sometimes deforming, other times growing. Yet, they still waited for this baby to die. But I made it...I'm here writing at will.
From the incubator to crawling and breathing
Now some years have past. You turn around and see the same baby crawling! At the age of five I lost the use of a hip bone. As a young lad I seem normal, I had no idea back then, But there something wrong. I lived this way not knowing I was not normal at all.
HIP BONE, PINS
They had me in traction with pins going through my knees -- with ropes attached to it on the other end with weights. Why? To stretch my legs to match my longer leg. But why me?
(Brian kneels down to have a silent cry, next to the loveseat that has been a companion for years)
War of my own
All this is done before this lad turned 5 years of age. The young lad has seen the men from the wars coming and going. One day they are all right, the next they come back dead or in parts. This lad has seen so much blood - for a lad so young, yet he stands tall. Yes, I even ran away many time; went into things I wasn't suppose to do.
From home to home
I was taken from homes to homes - even boys homes - as I got older the system didn't want to take care of a disable person. But I never gave up! I had to teach myself out of survival.
Society limiting my goals
I worked when society said no. Because, honestly, I didn't think I was disable. You would need to be in my shoes to understand. Now you know why my heart never turns to hate.
My father (on the left) with Bill Tillis
AT THIS VERY MOMENT...
As you will notice, the hole is growing on my chin. It eats away into the jaw bone - practically into the roots of my teeth.
What you don't see me looking like Jacob Marley in Scrooge? Each night the routine is the same. In the middle of the night I drain the pus mixed with blood. No doctor can help, because there is no cure
During the day, it drips constantly. I have to use something to lay on my chest to catch it. The meat and the muscle - and the skin - work together to secrete the pus and blood from within. I have my own war with this cancer from with in, and the war zone is my own body.
In simple words, from nine days old until I was in my teens, I was purportedly exposed to x-rays. A real human guinea pig for the world to uncover...before I die, maybe?
Blood count - no kidding!
My story is real!
"They told me not to come back until blood runs out from my behind"
My father was misled
What I have been writing is a true story of a child - and how this child's first 12 years was part of a sinister experiment. The offer was given to my father, a USN, in the name of science and advancement.
This child was born in the right moment to be nurtured, but paradoxically, at the wrong time in history. January 10th, 1955, cold war and pre-Sputnik.
RACE OF TITANS
Man was still learning about the darn x-rays and its effects on the human body! And, of course, what would happen to the humans years later. Why they didn't use mice and other candidates? I don't know! For twelve years I was seen by doctors, who keep everything on record.
In 2008, the child now grown, was told "not to come back until blood runs out of his nose, mouth and derriere. You are on your own!"
Was told by the NIH and recorded at the CDC who "works 24/7 to protect America from health, safety and security threats, both foreign and in the U.S."
No cure for this peasant of life. That was their response. Because it's not their pain? Because they were told to get me out of their records. New generation of doctors that do not want to get involved in something that was almost lost to history.
- The Radioactive Death of Eben Byers
Industrialist Eben Byers died in 1931 after drinking 3 bottles of "medicinal" radioactive Radium water cure-all Radithor every day for nearly three years.
"There is even now something of ill omen among us. I mean that increasing disregard for law which pervades the country — the growing disposition to substitute the wild and furious passion in lieu of the sober judgment of courts, and the worse than savage mobs for the executive ministers of justice."
MY FATHER SPOKE TO ME
Back in the early 80's before his death, I was there with my ex and my two young ones - age 2 years and 3 months old. He was siting at the table, looking at me from across the room. Then, he started telling me not to let the government, 'guinea pig' my young, he knew what they were doing. He was not insane at all, yet my mom didn't know anything at all!
What i learned was too horrendous to tell, like out of a Hitlerian concentration camp REPORT. They were making my leg bigger, by cuting it at a time. How? I had pins going through my knees. Ropes pulled on it, as they put lbs, on my leg at the end of the bed. Each day they added more weight to the lbs. My dad knew this. It was for doctors to learn how to make bones grow by braking it at a time. That was done on my right side. To this day that leg is about as round as my front arm,
So, was he able to tell me more, being retired??
He got out from the U.S. Navy in 1963. We were abused by him constantly. There were six of us, yet the others were more abuse than I was. He would abuse me, throwing me across the room, making us all bend over in order to kick us hard until he got tired. Maybe PTSD?
When I was 13, I was taken away from my mom, to lived with him. How great, right? One day he almost killed my brother and I had to run away. Yet through the years I really didn't see him. By the early 80's he was a cop! Little by little I forgave him, because I became a dad as well.
My soul reaches out to find the star I was chosen to get hold of! What do I see deep into the space of time!? I look deeper and deeper into the heavens above!
Can I live long enough?
How healthy Am I?
As I was told by the NIH, back then, they don't know much on this type of cancer! They would not be able to tell me what is actually happening. So I learned to do my own research. Like I said, I don't even see any cancer doctors to this day, Last time it was in 2008, and never went back to that crap. When they lied and tried to kill me off (legally) on their bull treatments for 8 weeks, I was told that I had a year and 1/2 to live. But I'm still here.
Yes, I'm still here!
They don't want people to know. A great premise for a conspiracy theory, except the pain and the hole on my chin are real.
I am still standing my ground, even as death keeps coming back! I actually laugh at him, mocking him and inviting him for a cup of coffee.
The hole in my chin
What about the pic of the hole that is growing in my chin? And what's doing in side my mouth! This is from the x-rays. Classified as cancer type CLL-25.
CLL (chronic lymphocytic leukemia) is a disorder of morphologically mature but immunologically less mature lymphocytes and is manifested by progressive accumulation of these cells in the blood, bone marrow, and lymphatic tissues.
It's getting bad as shown in my pictures! Whatever you call this post radiation effect, it's eating away tissue and bone!! You can see the jaw bone, even in the x-ray shown at the bottom of this page. You try to eat food and it gets harder. Open wound that I have to live with.
Each day is never the same than the day before! These new physicians would not care less. Am a sensitive person and I can sense it all. Feels like they want you to die to keep others from knowing. Yes, I am scared all the time, nonetheless I still have faith!
THEIR PROFESSIONAL TAKE
EXAM: MANDIBLE RADIOGRAPHY EXAM DATE: 4/5/2013 02:15 PM
HISTORY: Mandibular osteomyelitis. COMPARISONS: MRI of the soft tissue neck 3/5/2013. TECHNIQUE: Five views. FINDINGS: Bones: Osteopenia. Prior resection of the mandibular symphysis menti with reconstruction. Prior surgery involving the lateral cortex, posterior aspects of both mandibular bodies and rami with wire sutures, presumably due to some bony reconstructive process. These particular bones are small in caliber and more radiolucent than the rest of the mandible. No discrete focal bony defect nor periosteal reaction. Paranasal sinuses are clear. Mastoids are poorly developed. No radiopaque foreign bodies in the area of the orbits. Temporomandibular joints not confidently evaluated. Severe demineralization and loss of volume posterior aspects of both mandibular bodies and rami. If there is a need to exclude recurrent osteomyelitis or insufficiency fracture, MR or CT may be useful. RADIA SITE ID: 001
I believe there is a power above us all...as space is his playground! His might is shown to us all, Funny, the man below him, doesn't get it! Therefore, what God makes he can take it away with no remorse.
If tomorrow is my last day...
To everyone of you, love each other and be there for each other, you are all you have! Love to all my kids and thankful to God!
I finish eating this hamburger cheese, with bacon, all pasta! Drink my Pepsi, maybe two times a month, lots of well water in between...
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Joseph De Cross (author) from New York on March 17, 2016:
Thanks Faith and Always exploring
Faith Reaper from southern USA on February 26, 2016:
I sure do feel for Brian and all that he is going through and has been through in his life. I hope he is able to find a Cancer Center with good doctors to help him. I know I was blessed to have the wonderful doctors at the Cancer Center and surgeon I had, but I did pray and ask the sweet Lord to heal me and He did just that ...it was there and then it was gone.
But even if it wasn't going to be okay, I knew I would be just fine anyway, as I would be with the Lord.
God bless you and Brian
Ruby Jean Richert from Southern Illinois on February 26, 2016:
This was a heart wrenching story. God bless you. God still heals if you have the faith. You are a brave man who is a survivor. Take care..