Author, comedy writer & mum of five (not the band). Heather's first ever writing attempts were published right here on Hubpages.
To quote my favourite Glasgow comedian, The Big Yin: "Like the teacher at the camp for suicide bombers said, 'I'm only going to show you this once...'"
If you aren't the illegitimate love child of the great Tommy Cooper and can't deliver a line "just like that," here are 40 unique status updates that are guaranteed to quickly become non-unique if you like and use them, so get in there quick! All written by me from my Twitter account @hell4heather; all happily shared for your use or plain old fashioned amusement. In the words of many a Facebook business page, I hope you "Like" them...
- I really want to take a cruise to somewhere like India or China, just so I can update my Facebook status with "...is in a real Asian ship."
- Important announcement: I've just seen the cows going home. Now we can all stop doing everything.
- My mobile phone keeps telling me it's unable to perform operations. I am relieved. I wouldn't want it to start one on me when I'm not expecting it.
- I saw a therapist about my body confidence issues and she talked about 'the elephant in the room.' This reverse psychology thing can be brutal.
- Being a teen in the '80s has left me with a lot of questions. Like I wonder if Cameo ever found out what the word up was?
- The mother-daughter bond is a strong one, but I've just discovered the idiot-playing-with-superglue bond is stronger
- The only time I ever went "AWOL" was after burning my mouth on a very hot chip.
- When someone says, "My husband left me for a younger woman," I know it's just an old wife's tale.
- You know, swinging children upside down really opens doors for you.
- It's amazing listening to Italian opera, being moved and not really knowing why. Although I think it's because the kids don't like it.
- I'm not one to brag about my press exposure, but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper: I am selling my couch.
- Finally feeling accepted by my partner's mum with an invite to a family meal tonight. Bit nervous though. It's been a while since I last waitressed.
- Thanks to Twitter, I can't go anywhere without my mobile. Quick question. Do I take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband?
- I wonder if Bono has found what he's looking for yet? Although, if you're reading this Bono, I'd try down the side of the couch.
- It is said that all things grow with love, but I have found a flash of cleavage helps too. Except with tomatoes....
- Someone described me last night as a "cute ball of fun." It concerns me that they must have got me at a very unfortunate angle.
- I was once stood up by a policeman. But I was so drunk I fell straight back down again.
- Wearing a shrug, like I just don't care.
- "This love triangle is WAY too complicated."—Pythagoras' other woman
- My kids hate that song "You Can Leave Your Hat On" by Tom Jones. You do ONE table dance at a parents' evening...
- This Wii console is rubbish! I've been crying all day—nothing. Not even a hug.
- You know, I don't think all this time on Twitter WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT WALKING ACROSS THE SCREEN! has affected me at all.
- You know, I joined People Per Hour over six months ago. and they haven't sent me a single person in all that time.
- If there's one thing I can't stand, it's tripods with one leg missing.
- Is it just me that finds the abbreviation for the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons amusing?
- Every time I have to stand in a long queue for anything the person serving me always says, 'I'm sorry for your weight.' I didn't even realise they'd noticed me up until that point.
- You can't beat going out with your 19-yr-old daughter. It's like taking along your "before" picture.
- The only people that can accurately weigh up the pros and cons are prison guards.
- Whe&n some$one with 0 follow##ers sends me a tweet wit-h a link say0ing "you HAVE t~o see th:is," nothing happens wh$$en you click it right?
- Being hit on the head with a 'Take That' CD seems inevitable, really.
Friends and Family Write the Best One-Liners
If you want some inspiration for dreaming up your own, I find some of my funniest lines in real-life conversations and occurrences.
- You know you're a working mum who will be overlooked for promotion when your boss drives you home and your 7-yr-old calls him "peterpiperpickedapeckofpicklepepper."
- Me: if you burst in here, you're gonna see your mum naked. Son: See, that's why I'm scared to get into internet porn. (Yes, he did say that!)
- My daughter jumped out from her hiding place behind the sofa this morning & said "Ooh, I got teleported!" OK I'm zany but LOOK what I made!
- Overheard in my kitchen just now: "Oh, this is great coffee!" And I'm alone in the house. If anybody wants me, I'll be bonkers.
- Son: I'm making a giant ice lolly with fruit juice. Me: Did I say you could do that? Son: Yes. Don't worry, we know you forget stuff, its OK.
- My 7-yr-old recorded herself saying "Mum, MUM!" & left it playing near my PC on repeat. Or she's trapped in the cupboard. Will check later.
- Me: I must be losing weight, my knickers keep sliding down. Son: Are you sure you're not wearing your stripper pants?
- Thanks, yoga instructor, for telling me to "imagine my chest going down to my thighs." At 40, I don't need to lean forward to experience this.
- Me: I think I'd like to get a breast reduction. Him: They should make that illegal.
- OK I have a new follower today—a plastic surgery business. That means they looked at my face and thought KERCHING!
N.B. I don't lock my children in cupboards, nor do I possess any stripper pants. At least, that's my official line ;-)
Funny Posts Are Fine for Business Websites
In branding, many companies and professional individuals shy away from humour. They'd like to give a light-hearted view of themselves and their company, but they are afraid of seeming unprofessional and driving away prospective clients.
Yet there are lots of apps and websites out there that will help you "artificially inseminate" some humour into your Facebook and Twitter status; Status Shuffle, Funnystatus.com and Funtweets.com, to name but a few. The reason people use these sites and otherwise trawl the net for humour is simply this: with the birth of Social Media Marketing came the realisation that not only is laughter the best medicine, it's also a big selling point, helping to make your company look "human," and consistently encouraging interaction from past, current SnowSkool is one such fun-loving company, which provides ski and snowboard Instructor training in France, New Zealand and Canada. Managing Director Phil Purdie says:
"SnowSkool has always strived to listen to our customer's wants and needs. We know our courses are a costly purchase, particularly for those considering a career break or gap year, and we encourage lots of conversation with potential clients to assist them make the best choices. But in the past eighteen months, we have adopted a new and innovative approach to our social media marketing, introducing light-hearted humour in between the everyday posts about life on our ski and snowboard instructor courses. Suddenly, our Facebook page has come alive with comments, post-sharing, and genuinely enjoyable group interaction. We are listening, responding, having fun, and yes, we are making sales. Equally, we are finding our own students are becoming better brand ambassadors than us."
So don't be afraid to put funny posts on your professional website.
Look out for Heather Hill's hilarious, best selling novel,
'The New Mrs D'
Available on Amazon.
© 2011 Heather Hill
24techsupport on January 12, 2017:
Very good and lovely status. Thanks for sharing.
Heather Hill (author) from Glasgow, Scotland on August 10, 2015:
Thank you so much and for your lovely message XX
Robert Morgan on August 09, 2015:
OMG... Need a laugh. It's been a tough weekend. Hope to see you write more comedy. You have a good sense of humor and besides needing more love, the world needs to laugh a lot more. Best to you. Bobby
StrictlyQuotes from Australia on December 01, 2011:
Wearing a shrug, like I just don't care. How funny!
Valerie on August 05, 2011:
Ha ha! These were some of my favorites:
8.When someone says "my husband left me for a younger woman," I know it's just an old wive's tale
12.Finally feeling accepted by my b/f's mum with an invite to a family meal tonight. Bit nervous though. It's been a while since I last waitressed
Great jokes and great article!
Heather Hill (author) from Glasgow, Scotland on April 19, 2011:
Thanks for the comments and for dropping by - great to make your acquaintance and hope to keep you smiling :)
Diana Owens from My Little Hole In The Wall, HubPages, USA on April 11, 2011:
LOVED this Hub! Sad I can relate to much of it. Hilarious. (: I needed a good laugh today.
You have quite a talent and I can't wait to read more from you! ...no thin skin here. So bring it! heh heh
Take care and stay safe,
Sue Phillips on April 11, 2011:
I love your humour. I've been following you on twitter and am rewarded by several laughs every day, ranging from ironic chuckles to belly laughs. Looks set to continue on your blog :)