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Assnapped! (Inspired by "the Bugalugs Bum Thief" by Tim Winton)

John values the use of humour and enjoys writing and reading limericks and jokes. He is a fan of Dr. Seuss, Edward Lear and Shel Silverstein

assnapped-inspired-by-the-bugalugs-bum-thief-by-tim-winton

"Skeeta Anderson woke up one morning to find that his bum was gone. And not only his bum, but the bum of every single person in the town of Bugalugs.

It's up to Skeeta to catch the thief . . ."

So begins "The Bugalugs Bum Thief" by acclaimed Australian author Tim Winton.

Until recently I considered this to be a funny fictional children's story. However my outlook has begun to change in recent years due to the experience of a friend of a friend of mine.

I shall relate his story below as though it came from my own mouth.

Assnapped!


I woke one morning at 7:00 am to the alarm telling me it was time to arise and get ready for work.

In the shower, something felt a little strange but I was still half asleep so I dismissed the feeling. It was when I began to dress that I noticed .... My Ass Was Gone!

I'd never had trouble keeping my pants on before. Even without a belt I usually had enough padding there to stop them falling down.

Had a thief struck in the middle of the night and stolen my ass, or had this happened gradually over time without me noticing?

I'd just turned 50, so did this have something to do with it? Was it an age thing (Heaven forbid)?

In my younger days (not that long ago) I'd been told I had a sexy butt. In fact my wife often told me it was my best feature. That's where I decided to turn now, I'd ask her. She'd give me an honest answer, after all she often asked me while trying on clothes, "Honey, does this dress make my bum look big?" Of course I always answered in the negative for my own well being.

I approached her in the kitchen, and turning my back to her, I asked, "Honey, do these jeans make my ass look small?" She just laughed and said, "It's your age Babe. It happens to guys when they get older. You lose your asses and it moves to your hips."With that she grabbed me by both love handles and squeezed to prove her point.

I flinched, "Impossible!" I snapped, "That's against the laws of gravity. Things fall down over time, they don't move upwards." It crossed my mind to say," Look at your boobs," but luckily I held my tongue. Instead I joked, "I think someone stole it. There's a thief out there somewhere with a shed full of asses he's stolen from unsuspecting people as they slept."

She laughed, "You are so vain Sweetie. Just accept it as part of the aging process and go put a pair of braces on."

And so, that is the story told to me by a friend of mine about the experiences of a friend of his (who wishes to remain nameless for reasons of privacy and embarrassment). It is a tale of WARNING for all, especially men over 50. Beware the ASSNAPPER!


Glossary:

Bugalugs (Australian slang; term of endearment, usually from an adult to a child e.g. "Hey Bugalugs, what are you up to?" definition unclear possibly " mischief maker") Though in the instance of "The Bugalugs Bum Thief" it is the name of a small seaside village.

Bum (bottom, ass, buttocks, butt, derriere)

Skeeta ( derivative for mosquito)

*If The Bugalugs Bum Thief had been written by an American author it would most likely have been titled The Bugalugs Butt Burglar or something to that effect.

Penguin Books Australia

assnapped-inspired-by-the-bugalugs-bum-thief-by-tim-winton

Why do men's butts shrink with age?

POPULAR ANSWER: With age, muscles weakens and it can be contributed to the fact that we don't exercise enough to keep the muscles strong.

REAL ANSWER: It is the Universal Law of Conservation of Matter. Men's butts must shrink because women's butts must grow larger. There is only so much matter in the Universe, and this is how Nature has decided to apportion it. Why must women's butts grow larger? To provide a comfortable cushion for them to sit and share their wisdom!

assnapped-inspired-by-the-bugalugs-bum-thief-by-tim-winton

Ladies Please Read!

Now something interesting for the woman....Ronald Kahn, of Harvard Medical School in Boston, carried out the study and published a paper in the journal Cell Metabolism. Kahn started the study to find out why fat located in different parts of the body seems to have different risks of metabolic disease such as diabetes.

If you are one of those who reluctantly forgoes sinful desserts and greasy pepperoni pizza, because you think it goes straight to your posterior, stop worrying right now. Indulge yourself to your heart’s content – well, within reason, anyway; and ignore those extra inches building up on your butt. It’s actually good for your health. ..Research done by some other eminent doctors has revealed that a type of fat that accumulates around the hips and bottom may actually offer some protection against diabetes.

The medical term for fat that collects under the skin is subcutaneous fat. It seems likely that subcutaneous fat helps to improve sensitivity to the hormone insulin, which regulates blood sugar......SO ladies, those with big butts, time to celebrate.

© 2013 John Hansen

Comments

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on February 16, 2016:

Good one Randy. Cheers!

Randy Godwin from Southern Georgia on February 16, 2016:

See! It's working already, John. LOL!!

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on July 29, 2014:

Hey Carter, thanks for commenting. Good to see another Aussie reading this who knows the story. Yes a lot of Tim Winton's other books are much more serious and very adult reading. He is quite a versatile writer obviously.

Mary from Cronulla NSW on July 28, 2014:

Hey Jodah, so loved that series when my kids were younger..Winton sure is a great writer although that series is quite a bit different from his other books as you would no doubt no..but they were so funny & your hub is such a fun read..just going through my feed today and saw this, glad I did..Cheers

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on July 28, 2014:

Thanks for reading this and voting it up Jaye. The hub needed a boost. Glad it gave you a laugh to improve your day too. :)

Jaye Denman from Deep South, USA on July 28, 2014:

Terrific hub, John! I needed a laugh today, and this provided a few of them. (Although, there are some truths hiding among the humor. I only have to look behind me in the mirror to realize that.)

Voted Up+++

Jaye

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on April 15, 2014:

Thanks for reading The Stages of ME. Glad you found this funny and informative. Yes it is amazing how much information there is about bums. Well I suppose they are something everyone has in common...haha. You have a good day too.

Kathy Henderson from Pa on April 15, 2014:

This was a funny and informative read. Who knew so much could be said about bums. Have a wonderful day

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on April 15, 2014:

Thanks for reading and your great comment Tillsontitan. I wrote this one a while ago but just revamped it a bit. Glad it gave you a laugh. Thanks for the vote up.

Mary Craig from New York on April 15, 2014:

Oh Jodah, thanks so much for this one! Not only was it funny but you did throw in some useful information. Poor butt-less man. The only good thing is he's certainly not alone!

The video is the perfect touch!

Voted up, useful, funny, and interesting.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on April 15, 2014:

I found a video of the play 'The Bugalugs Bum Thief' which I have added here.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on November 03, 2013:

Haha....now you may have discovered the real answer. Well done.

Jackie Lynnley from the beautiful south on November 03, 2013:

This is something my husband pointed out to me a few years ago about older men he couldn't understand...they just had no butts and then lately I noticed...yep, it happened to him too and I have the answer....he wore it off sitting on it! Funny read. ^+

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on October 16, 2013:

You are welcome drbj, I thought this one may appeal to your sense of humor especially with it's Aussie slant and strine. Put the translations in especially for you.

drbj and sherry from south Florida on October 16, 2013:

Thank you, Jodah, for your funny explanation of some typical Aussie behaviour. I enjoyed your humour and colour-filled descriptions. Now I can add bum and skeeta to my strine. You ARE a bugalug, m'dear.

The Examiner-1 on October 14, 2013:

Jodah

I cannot explain it to myself.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on October 14, 2013:

Thanks for voting it up Examiner, and glad you found it funny, but may I ask why you were at a loss? If you need me to explain something just ask.

The Examiner-1 on October 14, 2013:

I read your Hub and voted it up and funny but I was otherwise at a loss.

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on October 13, 2013:

Nellieanna, It is always a delight to see you have visited another of my hubs. I am so glad you found this funny, and I'm doing my best to spread some Aussie humor(or should I say 'Aussie humour' as we spell it). Thanks for the compliments as always.

Nellieanna Hay from TEXAS on October 13, 2013:

Jodah, I must say this is very amusing! The Australian vocabulary is delightful, and so handy! You also prove what I've heard about Australian humor. hehe

I've been thinking about it and have to admit that I have noticed that mature men's bums are quite MIA! Mine has never been much to mention and still isn't: mine and Elizabeth Taylor's, - both on the non-round side. But she struggled with obesity off and on. Not I.

Your ability to tell a story is excellent. I'm not surprised, but had to see it for myself! Hugs. :-)

John Hansen (author) from Queensland Australia on October 13, 2013:

Haha Minnetonka, anything's possible. Maybe. you'll wake up one day and it will have disappeared. Thanks for the comment, glad you found it funny.

Linda Rogers from Minnesota on October 13, 2013:

Very funny article Jodah~How I wish my butt would disappear. LOL