Bachelors Degree in Organizational Behavioral Psychology with a background in Autism, Mental Health, Business Psychology. Sales Management
Don't Judge By the Cover
October 15, 2020 Psycho Promises
I Will Never Understand-October 15, 2020
I don't understand when we had an actual no contact order implemented, Chad had never left my side and truly was amazing. Apparently, the order was in effect on Auguat 25 and in place for 4 weeks. Even though Chad had zero understanding of the dehabilitating anxiety and agoraphobia I have been battling since I was released, from a voluntary hold in Sheboyghan Psychiatric unit, he seemed to genuinely care and understand. It was out of the norm that he was asking finquestions about it and listening to what I confided.
C#$d has never been someone who was the one you could count on when the emotional avalanche emerged. For the first time, the promises he had made to me felt genuine. I really thought for once he was truly standing by me.
A virtuous woman is the crown of her husband. (PROVERBS 12:4)
We finally had a deep heart to heart where he listened and wasn't jumping to self-defensiveness. Do you know how nice it was to FINALLY have an actual husband?
Finally, he admitted I was right regarding his ex-wife KR and her behavior, how intentional her motives were to hurt both of us. To be able to discuss such a sensitive subject, to actually reflect on the blatant , manipulation, vindictivness, and he's begrudgingly agreeing his kids mom had targeted me. That she was intentionally hurting me to get what she wanted from him.
When you even have to detail and defend why you feel that your husband allowed his KiDS and their mom to subject me to all that and not once protected Me....it makes you beyond sad.
The sadness is swallowed in not being worthy and ingrained in your soul.. Chzd was the one who said he was starting to believe his KIDS MOM was the MAIN REASON for my rapidly deteriorating mental state. She was, no doubt, one main factor in our ongoing and escalating marital issues. C#$d finally brought up that he might agree that we couldn't stay in Plymouth too much longer. At first, I only agreed to relocate for three years. But, he felt it could be important for me to move in a year..
To FINALLY have the HUSBAND I had wanted and NEEDED for the last 4 weeks?
But it did not last.....
Noteworthy is ingrained in my soul
Weekend Away October 2020
It NEVER lasts....
When we got the hearing we requested ( on my behalf ); When I had decided to request the court to modify C&*ds bond so at least we could have contact and go to therapy like HE had said he wanted for us. The DA refused to listen. I was given a chance to address the judge who was Judge Stengal. I had wanted someone to listen to why releasing no-contact had to do with the impact on my mental health.
When pride cometh, then cometh shame. ( PROVERBS 11:2)
No one believed me when I said I was requesting it on my own volition. However, I was very sincere. The man that i had come home to from a traumatic psych hold really gave me missing aspects that were helping my wounds heal. I told the judge I felt betrayed by Sherrif Wendler. I was so relieved when someone finally truly listened to me. Stengal lifted it and only stipulated that the contact was non-violent.
MAGIC....Chad got what he had wanted. He could have contact and in on,y 2 days it literally felt like a war zone.
It never lasts....
Always it becomes a war zone
It went RIGHT BACK to NOTHING will EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.
Now I admit 100% that my moods had been up and down, though I kept trying to get Chad to even let me finish a thought. I wanted him to know why they were and to see that I had held myself accountable, had self-identified the reason and maybe he would start to realize how hard I actually was trying. The fact he couldn't (or) wouldn't try to identify with struggling because of personal choice for overnight sobriety. I had decided to quit for Ky. When I tried to confide in Chad that the smell of liquor on him was potent and the intense smell was really making me sick and I was struggling with anxiety.
IMPORTANT TODAY: HURT ME
- How could he honest to God drink right in front of Me? How can he not feel guilty for making it more difficult just to accommodate his drinking problem. DISCLAIMER: 1/2 point to my bitterness. I LITERALLY woke up in the shrink unit-met my head shrinker who asked me what I perceived my problem is. I didn't even hesitate and told him I was an alcoholic....overnight. What's even more fucked up? I did it for my stepson. I had gone sober for CHADs son. I never even did for my own. To the disrespect this huge leap I had taken and to really not have any reaction to that.
- Plymouth tap ....what husband would ask that you go to the bar whe. Your sobriety was so new???? I could have told him no. I understand he needed to get out and I empathized wit how he had needed time with me, but that a bar was definitely not a good idea right now. Chad seemed to realize that it was not cool he asked me to go, but "please...promise one drink...ND we can go..."
- Next......one drink and one shot....I know that hiding in the room and not being able to even go to the store together was not a great thing for us...BUT...what's fucked up is how much he pressured me into drinking "one beer." He didn't get or realize how I still had overwhelming anxiety and that I had started keeping it all to myself because I was constant in fear of....YET AGAIN....disappointing him. I could see how much of a good mood he was in; however, he had drank a lot and was already drunk....
If a soul shall sin through ignorance against any commandments of the lord concerning things that ought not to be done and shall do against any of them ( LEVITIAUS 4:2)
I WISH I could remember the guys name, but I do know he's friends this ,y oldest stepson. That guy, his girlfriend and their friend were already there and she looked pissed. Their friend was being an annoying drunk ass who basically was a shit show. I definitely wasn't having any fun and the drunk sloppy mess of a friend was annoying other people.
I basically sat by myself... alone....
Chad literally, no exaggeration, paid no attention to me.
Police were parked across the street and making me terrified they were coming into the bar and walk around. Before they actually did come in and walk around, I had grabbed my husband and pulled hi, out onto the patio. Than we needed to pay the tab and of course we'd run right into the girlfriend who's just going off on 3 guys who were dealing with nightmare sloppy, drunk guy. When they had gone out front, the girlfriend paid the tab and she overheard the three guys talking shit.
So, I do love that sloppy drunk fool had laughed it all off. But the chick just couldn't let a comment go about her man. When I am the one having to be rational and firmly tell all three jackass`s they should think back when it was one of them labeled a sloppy fool. I went om a tangent because I felt like no one cared if someone is acting out because of what they are going through. Than I finished with the fact they made fun yet we are all at a bar mid week during the day. I couldn't control myself when I laughed and said that he was just an alcoholic and not sloppy drunk.
6. They are vibing my point when the girlfriend brought back the boys. So Chad paid NO attention ALL NiGHT to me. Yet, now ( on paper ) he gets into an unnecessary situation as i realize how foolish he is acting. Cops are nonchalantly standing across the street, long story short?
Chad came back and the anxiety had pretty much become crippling. So, I asked if he would be okay if we went home. When he agreed and see,Ed okay with it, I stupidly felt my welfare had become important. I didn't intend to have a panic attack and dissolve into tears when we had only gotten to KwikTrip. I even reassured Chad I had it under control at the bar, and I was in a state because of him putting himself in a stupid scenario. I went even so far as to say Tha I can't handle the thought of him going to jail, so why would HE rich getting violated?!
So I am afraid enough of my husband by now, So if I thought he'd agree with me than why pretend. It's not like I made it up.
(She hates when I Gwant to go ghost hunting)
We had already been through so much, no way we'd want to expose ourselves. We became private and secluded so his ex couldn't send him the support notices constantly. His check is deducted as is ordered so it's nonsense.
7. You'd think newfound sobriety came with the curse of changing the last jack. The fuck I didn't realize how inebriated he was, I'd have not said anything because he started angrily screaming at me, and to me the point was (honest to god) the safety of myself and he proceeds to yell??? I'm not okay with direct conflict. I got so angry. Than Chad crying when he actually showed he cared not at all?
Nothing was ever enough, always pointed at all MY fault.
(Orig journal shows delusional writing through this part and pointed out I'm 8.)
9. Never should a woman feel that month over month is just another version of HORRIBLE. I didn't even have the desire to write for awhile because I couldn't figure out why OR how iIT GOT SO BAD! I can't even give a why anything happened and to be that lost, confused and their is so much UNEXPLAINED?
Means TO me SOMEONE STOPPED CARING IN ANY CAPACITY....CHAD. It never makes sense and I can't wrap my head around it such EXTREME CHANGES...go unnoticed...the details...events....all are engraved in my mind.. even on my heart...
I questioned a lot. That I do remember...it made me feel alone because I saw only me as having any meaningful connection and only wanting to know why the last months seem out of character and from a bad horror movie.
In retrospect, there is NO DOUBT I am the ONLY ONE who can identify and realize the things ha I have. No matter what IT HAS NEVER MATTERED what MY THOUGHTS were. Definitely, feelings always Disregarded. Maybe I became passive in regards to the quality of life I deserve. Plus, the pattern had been obvious since he split my head open in March.
Why I always start out with " Things were great until...." shows a level of insanity. Trying it over and over with same results? The definition of crazy, yet here I was so confused, "Why this time?"
"August incident is not even defined anymore wwithin your memory, lack of journal entries show how desperate I am to hide the majority of my life...six weeks after that incident Chad had AGAIN been looking court. This time looking like it was getting dismissed. I had wanted to just give up. MAYBE, there is something left to rekindle between us.
I worked SO hard to retain my sobriety (and not engaging in Chad's explosive behavior.) IT is getting harder though. It is ALL THE TIME now. I HATE half living in Pegz RV. But no one knows I can't move all day if I'm in the room with Chad. I get yelled at now for eating, breathing and moving.
- Despite how awful things have been Im so excited because all my chapter 51 Psychiatric court stuff got dismissed. It hurt, when put of habit when I found out, I couldn't wait to tell my husband and guess what his response was?
- "Now you will just fuck me"....Because now he no longer had a say in my mental health or all the control.
I had an interview for an autism behavioral interventionist and when I found out all I could think was can get us out of living hell... the chance to make myself believe that I am fully capable of supporting my family and giving back to Chad all I had convinced myself he had done. Than Chad, who must have something medically wrong with him or on drugs behind my back, because he just went from normal and joking - congratulated me on the position I am interviewing for, and as I am literally getting out of the room to do it in the car, mainly so I could look more professional...Chad never realizing he's heard or how he sounds....well I want to cry.
He literally tripped me and said hurtful things and shoved me out of the way. The call had been connected. So they saw me get shoved into the door and heard me called a CUNT. Does it matter anymore?
Bold choices needed to be made because if not; our lives meant and felt like nothing anymore.
Only true intentions will sustain time."
Maple Leaf motel was this blackmore of where souls collided and died. The negative energy was so thick that you almost wanted to believe someone had once cursed it. Than because I had chosen to put distance between Chad and I so he'd sleep in the room during the day and I'd just be in the RV so I could simply alleviate arguments. I saw things now that I hadn't noticed before.
When I decided that my goal was to find the peace and balance for my husband and I and evaluate all the things that are making him hate me.. So since his kids were a huge source of conflict I gave up trying so hard to be a real mom to them.
For once I just will never back down from their real mom again. We both always believed that she wouldn't stop until she actually succeeded in the destruction of my marriage and household. Now, he honest to God believes she is now not manipulating and using the kids to hurt him. He truly believes not one of his kids would let their mom do something damaging to him. He doesn't believe they would be a part of any plan of hers that means he'd be hurt.
She finally proved everything I have EVER said about her is not only truth, but far from, the worst she's done.
Chad will never, and has never, wanted to listen to me. He could sit right next to me and pretend he finally wants to listen and to tell him; but he won't listen still. He talks over me and he rather elaborately and intentional gave all the info. Even a bank account pin number. I already knew the final result and outcome. Being in the RV I saw all the kid activity and I also got my heart stomped on witnessing the real INTERACTIONS he had as a father.
Killed my soul.
He finally showed the truth of himself.
For so long he had been getting so drunk and snorting his Xanax, or hid taking seboxin. But he couldn't now hide the behaviors with me in the RV. My friend in one room and her kid in another room, and his kids all thinking I'm not around.
Chad was finally technically busted for how he was Framing his wife and using the kids.
"Quitting a family: X marks the spot."
Chad had gotten recorded talking to his oldest son and his girlfriend, two 18 year old privileges kids from the Midwest. They knew I had gone to a friend's out of state to get some space. His son had pretended to beg me to come back and get his dad. In reality they were trying to take the money I had and forbid me from taking the car. When you hear your husband told his son that I was draining and stealing his paycheck. When he is ranting how whenever I have the car I am capable of stealing it. Lying that I stole his money. The kids told by Chad that I manipulate him and that he told them if I put him in jail again than I committed some crime.
When Chad did end up bail jumping and went to jail again I found the proof that his son had the car hidden, he intentionally left my medication in the car laughing that he could get me committed to psych. He was purposely putting me in danger and thought it was funny to fuck with brain chemicals. His girlfriend had hidden the food stamp card and the fact she didn't even hold onto it like a normal person but hid it in her mom's flower pots was poking fun even more. They bragged to a mutual friend that they "were pushing her to finally commit suicide."
Chad had been caught still talking to a girl from Colorado and having online sex with her and she was constantly in the beginning intentionally trying to get between us even after we got married. The oldest son went so far as to tell me that I am no longer in his dad's life and Chad did nothing but deny his kids did it. Even saved texts and proof and he refused to parent them and defend his wife. When a DHS report came out the detective interviews were all the boys could have had the perfect environment to do the right thing and confide the truth. Even if just one of them had told the truth...that they had witnessed on multiple occasions and in multiple forms, abuse from their father towards their stepmother. Instead, even though I am sober, was the alcoholic and one kid even said I was the abuser and abuse their dad and I do worse things I should be in jail for.
My son who was a witness was not contacted. And the other three kids of mine could have been questioned because they had a summer here they witnessed enough to be questioned. So funny how those 4 not talked to could prove these kids were all lying of their own accord. Not once, not even ad the time has gone by, has Chad once said to them that they intentionally hurt an innocent person. He never confronted them, in front of me, abusing me, hurting me, hiding money and car or stealing my meds. He even was overheard telling assumed female that he couldn't let one person find out he hasn't gotten rid of me yet. This female didn't sound to thrilled that she had just had some extensive sexual video time with a married man but it didn't seem to bother hi, that he's hiding me to use me for a place to stay.
That's where I leave us at the moment. I am still in love with someone who showed me daily no love and I seem so blinded....
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2022 Abbz Korinne