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A New Beginning! Chapter Two-Indecisive

Many people pray for love, others pray for hope! Every love story is beautiful, but each story is different!

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Denial


After that morning when Kane left I went about my usual routine for the day, not noticing anything particularly different. As the hours passed and day turned to night, I noticed the first stirrings of an emotion I couldn't quite put my finger on. I brushed the feeling off and went to sleep that night with the picture of his beautiful face still fresh in my mind. Days later and I noticed that I had started thinking about him on and off throughout the days. I craved another conversation, I craved to see him smile or to hear him laugh again. I came home one evening to find him sitting on the couch in the front room. He still looked at me with the same mischievous smile on his face. I remember my heart rate speeding up, but i ignored the feeling and focused on not tripping over my own feet while I walked by him. Surprisingly he followed me downstairs of his own accord. As soon as we sat down on the bed I remember feeling relieved. That day had been a bad one, and just having him sitting there made all the worry and pain disappear. It was a little awkward at first, neither of us knowing what to say. But then he started talking about random things, and I realized what the emotion was that I had kept pushing away, it was a sense of longing. We hung out for a couple hours just talking and laughing again, and then when night came the feeling in the room had changed. I had told him that I was in pain, and he had offered to massage my legs because my neuropathy was acting up. At first I was hesitant to let him touch me, but then I finally gave in. He started massaging my legs, which felt amazing. But then his touch grew to have more meaning behind it. The first time he kissed me, I swear I saw stars burst behind my closed eye lids. The kiss itself was so passionate that it took my breath away. We made love that night. Shortly after of which he had hurried and left. Leaving me to wonder if I had done something wrong. He never looked at me before he left. I thought that he might have had feelings growing for me as well, but I was left feeling like he was ashamed of what we had done. I didn't regret what we did, but I did feel guilty about doing it because I was still with Stephen at the time, even though I had already known that he had cheated on me. I'll admit I was hurt by Kane's reaction. Ive never had anyone practically run away from me, and yet that is exactly what it had seemed like he had done. I knew I should have just ignored the thoughts, but it was hard to when I felt closer to him then I have with anyone else in a long while.

Missing Him


After that night I tried to pretend that everything was normal even though I felt like I had a major battle warring within myself. By that point my heart was yearning for Kane, and my head was screaming that we were still with Stephen. It crazy how someone can make you feel so alive being in such a short period of time, versus someone who has been in your life for a while. In the short period since Kane walked into my life, I had finally started to see that everything I had hoped for in a life partner, that I saw in him. From his twisted sense of humor and laughing at his own jokes, to the way he touched me so tenderly, to being able to cheer me up when no one else could, to the way he held me like I actually meant something to him and I wasn't just used as a tool, to the way his eyes would change color pigmentation when he was happy or sad, to the way that he could get me to open up about things that I wouldn't be comfortable doing with anyone else. We weren't even together and he felt like home to me. I could picture growing old with him, having a farmhouse that faced towards the mountains, and watching our children grow up. I've never imagined anything like with anyone else. After what we did and he stayed away it made me question if I was just imagining things and getting my hopes up. I started to pull away from Stephen a little more each day. The only reason I had stayed with him was because I hadn't wanted to hurt his daughter. I know it was a stupid excuse, but her mother wasn't in the picture and I cared for her. But in the end it was evitable because I no longer had feelings for Stephen, and it had seemed as though he was trying to control every aspect of my life just like James had done.

The Revelation


Kane had stayed away for a few weeks after that, in which time I had started to miss him more and more each day. I wondered where he was, and if he was okay. Every day that I would come home from work I would hope to see him sitting on the couch with that same mischievous look, only to be disappointed every time he wasn't there. I was scrolling through Facebook one day and his profile popped up on my suggested friends list. I hesitated before sending the friend request. Part of me didn't know if I could handle the rejection, but the other part of me needed to know why he left so abruptly and why he had stayed away. So I sent him the request and waited. It took him two days to get around to accepting it, but when he did I became extremely nervous as to what he would say. So I had waited a few days before I finally gathered the courage to message him. It wasn't long after that he messaged me back. I was nervous to ask him about why he left so abruptly, but I couldn't put off waiting any longer. So I messaged him and waited for his response. He had said that he felt guilty for what we did, and that he wasn't the type of person to sleep with someone who was in a relationship which I completely understood because I had felt guilty too. He said that the only reason we made love that night was because he really liked me, and that he had wanted me. He said that he went against all of his morals and beliefs by doing it because of the situation that I was in. But I had to be honest with him, and I told him that I had started forming feelings for him. He told me that he wasn't looking for anything serious because of his past. It kind of hurt, but there was nothing I could do about it because he had his mind set. I told him that we could remain friends and have some benefits, even though I was still with Stephen at the time. I know its wrong to do that when your in a relationship with someone, but I wasn't planning on staying with Stephen much longer. Sex wasn't involved for a while after that, and we had started to grow closer as friends. It was honestly a breath of fresh air to not have to pretend to be someone I wasn't anymore.

© 2020 BleedingHeart

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