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A Girl's Guide: On Sexting Guys

I have written this guide for all the girls who have been incorrectly sexting guys for far too long. I have written this guide because I want to correct them.

NEVER EVER send a guy a photo of any part of your body. Send him these suggestions instead. So girls read on and take some notes because this is how you sext guys the right way.

"Show me your pussy"

When you this demand from a guy, he wants to see your vagina because pussy is a derogatory term for vagina. NEVER EVER send him a photo of your vagina. Instead, text him the words "here's my pussy" followed by a photo of your pet cat or a stray cat if you don't have a cat. If you really want to mess with him instead of replying to his demand "show me your pussy" with "here's my pussy" and a photo of a cat, text him "would you like to see my pussy wet or dry?" This is a rhetorical question because we know his response will be wet but is an necessary request in order to get him excited at the prospect of receiving a wet pussy pic and to send him a photo of your cat in the bathtub or a stray cat getting bath.

"Show me your monkey"

Monkey is another derogatory term for vagina. When you get this demand, text him the words "here's my monkey" followed by a photo of an actual monkey. Since the average woman doesn't carry around a photo of a monkey in her purse there are two ways to get a photo of a monkey. The first way is to do a Google image search and the second is to visit your local zoo.

"Send me a pic"

When a guy requests a photo and he doesn't specify what to send a photo of then you may text him the words "here's my cousin" followed by a photo of a monkey. Monkeys are our cousins so technically you won't be lying. I believe this to be true because my Uncle Joey is a gorilla.

"Show me your boobs"

When you get a demand for a photo of your boobs from a guy, start cooking lunch. Cook chicken breast. Once they are prepared. Take a photo of a dinner plate with two chicken breasts on it and text him the words "here's my breasts" followed by that photo.

"Send me a sexy pic"

When a guy demands a sext pic of you then just text him a photo of any sexy man (a photo of Johnny Depp would suffice) and the words "if you looked this good then I would send you a sexy photo of me but unfortunately you don't so sorry".

"Send me a nude pic"

When a guy demands to see a nude photo of you then there are two ways that you can respond. The first way is to do a google image search for "ugly fat naked man" and text one of the results to him with the words "here's something naked" or to text him a photo of a sexy naked man with the words "if you looked this good I would send you a nude of me but unfortunately you don't so sorry".

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"Send me a body shot"

When a guy demands to see a photo of a body he doesn't want to see your body because he wants to see a photo of a dead body. Don't disappoint him. When you get this demand, do a google image search for "dead body" and text him one that looks real enough with the words "here's my latest victim. Yes, I'm a serial killer. If you text back you will be next". This is also a guaranteed way to get rid of him.

"Send me a bikini shot"

When a guy demands to see a photo of you in a bikini, get his mailing address and inform him that you would like to mail him an old school bikini shot. Mail him a shot glass with a photo of a bikini on it, a bottle of vodka and a note that reads "here's your bikini shot. Drink up! The good thing about vodka is if you drink enough you will start seeing something in a bikini but it might not be what you want to see because you can't always trust a bottle of vodka".

"Send me an ass pic"

When a guy demands to see a photo of your ass there are actually two ways you can respond to this. The first way is to text him the words "here's my ass" followed by a photo of a donkey or the words "here's an ass" followed by a photo of any former or the current U.S. President (it doesn't matter which one because they're all pretty much assholes).

I'm going to end this article with some great advice. If you're ever invited to meet the President of the United States then take toilet paper with you because as kids we were taught to wipe our asses right after shit came out of it. Therefore, it would be appropriate to wipe the President's mouth right after every time he spoke.

© 2022 Kristina Pitts

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