“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter”. –Mark Twain
Laughing is more contagious than yawning; it gets you in a better mood, fills you with energy, and has countless benefits for your health. This is a compilation of clean jokes you can tell at any moment to anyone, they are suitable for all ages. I enjoy telling jokes like with my Nephews, all my family, and friends. They (the jokes) may seem a little silly, that’s what I like about them; you can laugh at simple things and make your day nicer, and why not? Make it better to someone else! I hope you enjoy!
25 Q&A jokes
- What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese
- How do you make a milk shake? Give it a good scare
- How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it
- Where do polar bears vote? The North poll
- What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
- What happened when the lion ate the comedian? He felt funny
- Why did the chicken cross the road? To show everyone he wasn’t chicken
- What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a trip? Bison
- What did the spider do on the computer? Made a website
- What kind of bees makes milk instead of honey? Boobees
- How do bees get to school? By school buzz
- What do you call a bear with no ear? B
- How can you tell the ocean is friendly? It waves
- Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
- Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers
- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
- What was the most popular dance in 1776? Indepen-dance
- What did the computer do at lunchtime? Had a byte
- What does a baby computer call his father? Data
- Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open
- Why are dogs such bad dancers? They have two left feet.
- What did the bean said to another bean? How’ve ya bean?
- What did the doctor say to the midget? You just have to be a little patient.
- Why do the French like to eat snails? Because they don’t like fast food
- What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astronut
7 "Walks into a bar" jokes… plus one
1. A horse walks into a bar, bartender says, “Why the long face?”
2. A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49”. The duck replies, “Put it on my bill!”
3. A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there’s a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman, “Hey man, what did you do that for?”
4. A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer………………………….. and some of those peanuts”. The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”
5. A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
6. A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending a bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place”.
7. A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food!” The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!” The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves”.
+ A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.
“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked
“Yes, we do”, replied the fishmonger
“Great”, said the man. “It’s his birthday”
3 “Doctor” jokes
1. Patient: “Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea”.
Doctor: “Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink”.
2. “Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?”
“Yes, of course!”
“Great! I never could before!”
3. A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch I hurts! When I touch my shoulder, it hurts. If I touch my knee –OUCH! When I touch my head, it really, really hurts!” The doctor replied, “Man, you have your finger broken!”
4 Jokes at school
1. Student: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
Teacher: “Of course not!”
Student: “Good, because I didn’t do my homework!”
2. Teacher: "Did your father help you with your homework?"
Student: "No, he did it all by himself"
3. Student: “I was born in Florida!”
Teacher: “Which part?”
Student: “All of me!”
4. A student says to his friend, “Guess how many coins I have in my pocket”
The friend says, “If I guess right, will you give me one of them?”
The first kid says, “If you guess right, I’ll give you both of them!”
10 Random jokes
1. Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, “Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!” The surprised cat ran away scared. Later, when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, “You see, it pays to be bilingual!”
2. A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. “Wow!” said the father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?” The girl replied, “It was a wrong number”.
3. Son: "Dad, what is an idiot?"
Dad: "An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?"
4. Customer: "Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it"
Waiter: "Oh, that’s ok. The soup isn’t that hot"
5. Bank Teller: "How do you like the money?"
Customer: "I like it very much!"
6. “Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?”
“No, I’m sorry I don’t”
“Well, it’s five blocks this way, then one block to the right”
7. There were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn’t eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said, “oh, come one, let’s eat the sandwiches”. Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, “If you do, I won’t go!”
8. After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire. “But you can’t!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?”
9. My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!” “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” “Nothing. She’s just having contractions”.
10. An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew. After some time, one said to the other, “If you don’t mind me saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck”. “Yes”, the other one said, “I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck, and my leg became dangled up in a loose line, it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee. You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in an attempt to rescue him, and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off”. The friend added, “My, you really did experience bad luck! I see you have a patch over one eye, what happened to your eye?” The sailor responded, “Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over, unloaded, and got me right in the eye”. The friend said, “What!? Did that take your eye out?” The old sailor replied, “No, that was the first day I had my hook”.
Have a great day!!
Schoolmom24 from Oregon on August 31, 2013:
Great list of clean jokes! :)
The Examiner-1 on August 31, 2013:
Those were pretty good jokes. The two that really got me smiling (almost laughing) were in the first 25, no.'s 19 & 21. There were only three on the whole page which I did not like - #3, #14 and #15. The rest were pretty good.
Kamalesh Chakraverty from Sahaganj, Dist. Hooghly, West Bengal, India on August 31, 2013:
Ha Ha Ha , Nice jokes my friend...... Enjoyed a lot. Well done. Voted Up .
Best Wishes, Kamalesh