Santa is actually Saturn, and other holiday wisdom.
SANTA IS ACTUALLY SATURN! And other holiday wisdom, by me, Caston.
A f*kn dandy guide for literally every single holiday, what your tree represents, when you should put it up, what order of things go on the tree and what sequence, and what it all represents.
The various Christian traditions are nuanced and available almost anywhere and so, I will let you find them on your own, I'm not sure if the Jewish ones ought to be covered here or not since they are also very sacred holy and nuanced, and may not involve a tree or might, depending on who you ask, but, you can roll elsewhere for that one.
I'm here for the holidays that you may not know precisely everything about. But since they are celebrated by only a small number of dedicated and ever enduring people, who are starved for guys as to what the fuck to do this time of year, be unafraid for I AM HERE, HERE, I AM, AND HERE WE ARE, BABY: and here's your guide, so, there you are, baby. -wink!-
Trust me and start with Zeus, with Jupiter.
Jovians know what to do without me having to tell any of you. Trust yourselves, and be Optimistic, first, just get the tree, and rock and roll from there.
To honor Jupiter first, do that, as well as have the appropriate music playing. Jovians know what I'm talking about. IYSTYS, IYUTYU, IYKTYK.
So let's "start" with Saturn.
Santa is the representation of Saturn, and also, Zeus in a lot of ways. Santa is doing the reverse of what Saturn does/did do when he ate his young, the gods. In the forms of dollies and action figures, Santa is bringing out of his big black bag, his stomach, the gods, and delivering a deity to every child and every home. It's a yearly ritual which falls on Saturnalia. You sacrifice wealth on the alter of commericialism, for many things, but also, for Saturn. You wrap the gifts, as Rhea Perlman once wrapped a stone in swaddling clothing, and hide it under a tree, as Saturn eats them, thinking he's eating a child so he is not overthrown as he overthrew Ouranis, his father, the God of the Starry Sky, which is why the star is atop the Christmas tree. Depending upon which tradition you are following, you must decorate your Christmas tree in a certain order, which changes.
To honour "time" first, you put it up on December 17, and just the tree need be up at that point.
To honour Ouranis, the lights go on first.
To honour the Creator, the star.
To honour Janus and Vesta, and Jesus and the Virgin Mary simultaneously, the star and then, preggers Virgin Mary at the bottom of the tree, from the highest to the lowest, from Janua to Vesta, but make sure you turn the star on as step three, and give Preggy Mary Sue Joseph as step four, then give garlands from the star wrapped around clockwise, reaching down to the Nativity or "nativity" as step six, then baby Jesus - this also symbolically works for Apollo too.
For Helios-Sol Invictus, the sun god, the Star which should be turned on, first, and then the ornaments starting with the largest golden ornament.
For Luna-Selene, set up the garlands first, in silver and gold.
After either or both of Helios or Selene, set up the one you did not do of the two of them as step two, then the lights, then the ornaments and nativity.
For Artemis I suppose or for Apollo, or both, start with the garlands and the star, or the star and the garland, depending on if you're already miss or Apollo in preference of worship, and then turn the star on but make sure that you do both of them at the same time because they're twins right?
To honor Hades or persephone, you can put your tree on the ceiling and turn it upside down, and this coincidentally will also honor someone who's new to the underworld.
And gifts that you put under that tree, literally on the ceiling, will also be a gift to someone in heaven.
To hang a tree upside down is a tradition started in my family, to mark upon the calendar, the first Christmas without one of its valued and irreplaceable members, specifically, my grandmother Mary, my Nanny-Mary.
To honour JUPPITER OPTIMUS MAXIMUS! Lights first, ornaments second.
Wash the area first where you put the tree up.
That bit's important.
To honor saturn, it goes up on the 16th. To honor sol invictus it goes up on the 20th.
Jupiter, the 21st or the 24th.
For Hannukah, see a Rabbi or a Seinfeld cast member.
For Festivus, for the rest of ya's, you need an aluminium pole.
For Saturnalia, see above.
For Solstice, see above.
For Yule, see above.
For Yule Log, see your local television network provider or YouTube.
For big log, go to Adam4Adam.com and type in your size preference, but remember the magic of Christmas holds true, that it is not the gift but how you use it that really matters above all else.
To just give a simple gift just to honor the Divine however you interpret it, as well as the Divinity in yourself, which so many of you need to really pay attention to at some point. And the magic lay hidden all of this and much, much more.
For Kwanzaa, it's not a real holiday so I guess, tickets to something really funny at the Apollo? Drat that honours Apollo! .....jkjk, I actually don't know enough about the great holiday of Kwanzaa, and I will look into that tonight and let you know for the probably zero to one person that's going to take my advice from this article.
I shall lead that zero to one person very well.