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Naughty Elf on the Shelf Ideas: Good Elf Gone Bad

FlourishAnyway is an I/O psychologist and parent with a slapstick sense of humor.

This Is so Wrong! Where Did Santa Get This Elf?

The naughty Elf On the Shelf upskirts the angel.  Now you know why the Frosty the Snowman ornament is always smiling so broadly.  (He's got the best seat in the house.)

The naughty Elf On the Shelf upskirts the angel. Now you know why the Frosty the Snowman ornament is always smiling so broadly. (He's got the best seat in the house.)

Is Santa Close to Retirement? Outsourcing Hits the North Pole

You can keep a secret, can't you? I didn't think so. I guess I'll tell you anyway.

Santa's been at this whole gift giving thing a long time, you know. Frankly, he has me worried. Between job burnout, all those fattening Christmas cookies, and his age—seriously, how old is he?—he could be pulling a retirement surprise on us any day now. Then where would we be?

You can see the writing on the wall because Santa's hired a sidekick less than half his age. (Or could the reindeer be trying to force him out? They are very cliquish, you know, and I hear that Blitzen is a real bully.)

Santa, Please Don't Retire! We Need You!

Santa, don't go anywhere.  We need you!

Santa, don't go anywhere. We need you!

Santa's HR Elf Didn't Check this Elf's References

The jolly old fellow used to do all the research himself on which children were good or bad. But now it looks like he's outsourced those crucial duties to some young intern, for Pete's sake.

Or rather, Santa has had his HR elf do the hiring for him. I'm not even sure HR checked references or qualifications on this intern fellow. I'm guessing the HR elf just hired someone he knew. (You know how those elves are—always sticking together.)

It was bound to happen.  If you don't check references, a bad elf is bound to slip through.  This one plays with knives.

It was bound to happen. If you don't check references, a bad elf is bound to slip through. This one plays with knives.

Santa Has Dialed Down His Workload

Santa is calling his young sidekick the "Elf On the Shelf." He assigned the kid the duties of spying on girls' and boys' behavior during the all-important weeks leading up to Christmas. That's when children come down with a bad case of the "gimmes." I really think the jolly old guy has just about had enough.

Each night, Santa's intern reports back to him on whether the kiddies have been naughty or nice. That's right, Santa has dialed down his workload. He's left this crucial work duty to this young hack.

For Jolly Saint Nick, There's No Hiding. Will He Be Retiring?

Santa can't even visit Waffle House without being photographed by the paparazzi.  The word on the street is that he is looking to retire and move to a warmer location.

Santa can't even visit Waffle House without being photographed by the paparazzi. The word on the street is that he is looking to retire and move to a warmer location.

Okay, Here's the Scoop, but You Didn't Hear It from Me ...

Rumor is this Shelf Elf is not cut out for his job. As in candy cane clueless.

Now, North Pole Internal Investigations has gotten involved and they are looking into whether he is doing his job appropriately. You didn't hear this from me, got it?

I've obtained a copy of their secret file, full of undercover photos. With all his pranks, this guy is making a mockery of the "nice and naughty" list. If you ask me, he's had too much eggnog and is behaving like a hohoho.

Don't tell a soul, but I think this Christmas elf has gone bad. Just get a load of some of the things I saw.

Santa's New Sidekick: Acting like a Hohoho

Yep, this is him!

Yep, this is him!

What Is Elf On the Shelf?

While Carol Aebersold was growing up, she enjoyed a Christmas tradition involving a hide-and-seek pixie elf.1 The red-clad elf was Santa's eyes and ears during the busy holiday season, watching over her and reporting back to Santa each night. It was with elf assistance that Santa kept on top of his Nice and Naughty list for girls and boys.

In 2005, Aebersold co-authored the book Elf on the Shelf and has since sold over 6 million copies.2 Children "adopt" the elves, name them and register them online. Their elf often appears between Thanksgiving and Christmas and magically appears in a new spot each morning. Often, the elf is involved in a humorous prank. Parents commonly post photos on social media sites like Facebook. Given the popularity of the elf, inappropriate elf photos have become popular.

The Elf On the Shelf is now adding a birthday edition. A Hasbro employee has created a Jewish spinoff to the elf, called Mensch on a Bench3 A mensch is a good and honorable person.

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Cookies and Cocoa with an Ugly Twist

These photos are truly shocking. Our little elf friend must have a deep disdain for not only his job but also the families he serves.

We all get a case of the "Hershey squirts" from time to time, but you and I don't go spreading the love, so to speak. North Pole Internal Investigations caught him decorating peanut butter cookies with his ... ahem ... stomach ills.

Almost as disturbing, he invited a nice family of Russian dolls over for hot cocoa then served it to them out of a neti pot! Yes, this is the same device that serves as a nasal douche when the sinuses are clogged.

I don't know about you, but in those photos, I can see "floaters" in that cocoa. Can we trust him that they're just marshmallows? That's one sick dude.

He's Got a Case of the "Hershey Squirts"

Having a case of the "Hershey squirts," the elf decorated some Christmas cookies.  Yum!

Having a case of the "Hershey squirts," the elf decorated some Christmas cookies. Yum!

Toothpaste Switcheroo

The Elf On the Shelf is a bad boy indeed. He switched the toothpaste for the hemorrhoid cream, hoping nobody would notice. It belongs on the nether regions, although some people also use it under their eyes to reduce puffiness. (Hopefully they use a different tube for their face.) If you fall for this ugly prank, at least your teeth won't itch.

That's Not Toothpaste on That Brush!

Santa's intern was caught switching the toothpaste and Preparation H (a hemerrhoid treatment cream).  At least your teeth won't itch.

Santa's intern was caught switching the toothpaste and Preparation H (a hemerrhoid treatment cream). At least your teeth won't itch.

The Jerk Who Taught Miley Cyrus to Twerk

You remember twerking, the butt shaking, hip thrusting dance that Miley Cyrus made famous on the Video Music Awards in 2013? She shamefully sexualized teddy bears, of all things. It was so wrong that according to TIME magazine, American society doesn't even want to hear the word twerking anymore.4 (Much less do we want to see it.)

But wait. Where did that troubled young woman originally learn her moves? Yep. The Elf On the Shelf taught Hannah Montana to twerk. North Pole Investigations caught him twerking in front of the teddy bears below. Just look at the expression on those poor bears' faces. Ditto dat.

Twerking Elf: Will These Teddy Bears Ever Be the Same?

This poor teddy bear has a baby bear in its arms.  Is nothing sacred?  Will they both be traumatized for life by this awful experience?

This poor teddy bear has a baby bear in its arms. Is nothing sacred? Will they both be traumatized for life by this awful experience?

FUNNY VIDEO: Seniors React To Twerking

Elf Gone Wild

As if twerking weren't enough, the elf has been acting out in other ways that embarrass the North Pole and poorly represent all things Christmas.

I hear that the Santa's intern was reported to have been snorting confectioner's sugar with a straw and drinking maple syrup straight from the bottle. Wouldn't you know that addiction was at the root of his troubles?

This elf needs serious help. These shenanigans cannot continue.

Wearing only a bow, this troubled young elf was caught sexting a photo of himself to someone in the Gingerbread house. He then posted these provocative photos on-line.

What does the Elf On the Shelf have, gumdrops for brains? Photos are forever. This is Conduct Unbecoming Of An Elf. He'll never be more than an intern elf if he doesn't cool it.

Then there's the peeping Tom issue. He's an unabashed upskirter, someone who receives the cheapest of thrills from looking up Christmas tree angels' dresses. The practice is not exactly illegal, but it sure is creepy. Upskirting involves secretly photographing the area under a woman's dress.

Word on the street is that Mrs. Claus has taken a special interest in this aspect of the investigation. She will be personally overseeing the Elf's punishment.

The Elf Is Sexting Again

The elf sexted selfies to Gingerbread people and then posted them on-line.

The elf sexted selfies to Gingerbread people and then posted them on-line.

Elf On the Shelf Caught Upskirting the Angels

You just know Mrs. Claus is going to have something to say about this.

You just know Mrs. Claus is going to have something to say about this.

Reader Poll

Major Crack-Up or Just Another Case of Nutcracker on Nutcracker Violence?

It's one thing to be a danger to yourself, but it's quite another to harm others. There was loss of life in the household where the Elf On the Shelf was staying recently. Sources say Santa's young elf sidekick may have been involved.

Stella, the North Pole Investigator who arrived first on the scene, checked for life, then secured the scene. She is a no-nonsense investigator who will get to the bottom of this. Check out the photos of her hard at work.

Two nutcrackers were found mortally wounded. The place was a massacre. Nuts were strewn about everywhere—both cracked and uncracked. Some elves say that the young intern didn't do it, that the massacre was just another case of the escalating nutcracker on nutcracker violence.

Nutcrackers carry weapons, as they have them glued to their hands. When they disagree, sometimes nutcrackers use their swords instead of their words to argue. It's not right. All I'm saying, is just keep an open mind. Just because the Elf On the Shelf sexted and pooped on cookies doesn't mean he did this.

Oh, he looks innocent enough.  That's the whole problem.

Oh, he looks innocent enough. That's the whole problem.

Just Remember: You Didn't Hear It from Me

This elf seems like a naughty guy who brings shame to elfkind. His jingle bells need a good shaking to make him realize that this is certainly not the way to represent Christmas.

Could this elf be in cahoots with the reindeer to oust Santa? They may be trying to frustrate the jolly old guy into giving up the reins of the sleigh. Or perhaps the intern is just candy cane clueless. (Or crazy?)

Whatever it is, you need to keep everything I told you to yourself. You didn't hear any of this from me. We don't want to end up on that naughty list, right?

References

1Haynes, Beth. "HomeGrown: Carol Aebersold, co-author of 'Elf on the Shelf'." HomeGrown. WBIR, n.d. Web. 13 Dec. 2013. http://mocux.wbir.com/story/entertainment/people/homegrown/2013/11/26/elf-shelf-carol-abersold/3762381/.

2Ortiz, Vicki. "Elf on Shelf popular, despite parenting experts' concerns." Chicago Tribune. N.p., 12 Dec. 2013. Web. 13 Dec. 2013. http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-12-12/news/ct-elf-on-the-shelf-met-20131212_1_shelf-the-elf-carol-aebersold.

3"Meet Mensch On A Bench, Jewish Counterpart To Elf On The Shelf."National Public Radio. N.p., 26 Nov. 2013. Web. 13 Dec. 2013. http://www.npr.org/2013/11/26/247346217/elf-on-the-shelf-meets-jewish-counterpart-mensch-on-a-bench.

4Steinmetz, Katy. "Newsfeed." Twerk Is Officially the Word You Want Banished in 2014 Comments. TIME, 11 Dec. 2013. Web. 12 Dec. 2013. http://newsfeed.time.com/2013/12/11/twerk-is-officially-the-word-you-want-banished-in-2014/.

© 2013 FlourishAnyway

Comments

FlourishAnyway (author) from USA on October 26, 2020:

Lora - Thanks for your kind comment! Who knows what sparks their decisions.

Lora Hollings on October 25, 2020:

This is hilarious, Flourish. You have a little bit of that mischievous elf in you, I think or just a great sense of humor! I certainly wouldn't want that elf on my shelf, though. My vote went to Mensch on a Bench but I hope he's nothing like his counterpart or we're all in trouble. I loved your photos too especially the one with the cookies! A very fun article. I vote that they move it back to Holidappy.

FlourishAnyway (author) from USA on October 25, 2020:

Peggy - I love Christmas articles and humor articles so this was a good mix. The powers that be on HP decided to demote it from Holidappy. Grinches.

Peggy Woods from Houston, Texas on October 25, 2020:

You must have had so much fun in writing and taking photos for this hilarious article. My vote goes to Stella and the Mensch on a Bench to keep that mischief-making Elf on a Shelf under control. Haha!

FlourishAnyway (author) from USA on December 11, 2019:

George - Thanks for stopping by. The elf needs some intervention.

George Xu from Philippines on December 10, 2019:

Hey! I dislike it when you're implying that Rudolph was somehow bad when he first started. Rudolph wasn't bad at all. He was just bullied.

Well, I'll say it's time for reinforcements and have this elf trained on good behaviour.

FlourishAnyway (author) from USA on December 08, 2015:

Linda - He's a strange little guy, a marketing delight. He'll watch you during the day and seek revenge at night. Thanks for reading!

Linda Bilyeu from Orlando, FL on December 07, 2015:

The elf is hilarious for adults, but not for kids, I think it's very disturbing. Luckily my granddaughters do not find the magic of the elf appealing! YAY! Yet, I think the "naughty" elf is entertaining. Great ideas! :)

FlourishAnyway (author) from USA on December 07, 2015:

LTM - I bet she is! Wish I were her! Thanks for reading!

LongTimeMother from Australia on December 07, 2015:

Thank you, FA! Now I understand what an elf on the shelf is, and where they sprang from. I'd never heard of them before today. Carol Aebersold must be laughing all the way to the bank. :)

FlourishAnyway (author) from USA on December 18, 2014:

Kailua - Maybe so?

KonaGirl from New York on December 17, 2014:

We'll just name him Pervie Elf on the Shelf -LOL!

FlourishAnyway (author) from USA on January 20, 2014:

KoffeeKlatch Gals - Thanks for stopping by. I hear the elf is doing well in Elf Attitude Therapy, as his personal issues are minuscule compared with the rest of us. Maybe there's hope for him.

Susan Hazelton from Northern New York on January 20, 2014:

I love your imagination. I enjoyed reading your tale about that naughty little elf.

FlourishAnyway (author) from USA on January 12, 2014:

Rebecca - I enjoyed the whole Christmas season myself. Thanks for reading and commenting!

FlourishAnyway (author) from USA on January 12, 2014:

Jeannie - I think he's safely locked away in an Elf Rehab facility for the Naughty. We'll see if he gets out by next Christmas.

Rebecca Mealey from Northeastern Georgia, USA on January 12, 2014:

I love the elf on a shelf concept. Amusing! Thanks, and you have me wishing it was still Christmas. Next year!

Jeannie Marie from Baltimore, MD on January 12, 2014:

I knew it! All along I've been seeing these Elf on a Shelf dolls at stores and thinking I could not trust them. This is proof of it. Thank you for being brave enough to step forward and cover this serious issue. No Elf on a Shelf for me!