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Not My New Year Resolutions!

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New Year Resolutions. Who would have them? Well not me! Here's what not to do!

Couch potato fat slob eating lazy #lazy #couchpotato

Couch potato fat slob eating lazy #lazy #couchpotato

Ah Well......

So this is it.

That time of the year when we all decide on how clever we are going to be. Get fit, go on a diet and so on. But what if we don't want to do anything? Stuff the turkey, stuff the holiday and yep stuff those New Year Resolutions!

So for all of you planning on being a much better person this year, well, good luck on that, I am going to chill out and..........

Not Really The Way To Do It.......

#Funny #gym

#Funny #gym

Not Go To The Gym...

Why? Because its a complete waste of time and money. Lets face it, we go out and buy an expensive tracksuit or shorts so that we can look 'good' in front of the other suckers.

We then turn up on time, puff our way through the induction to make sure you are not going to have a heart attack, fall over, pass out, bash your legs, knees, knuckles etc on the workout machines and then they let you loose.

So, first of all you head for the running machine. Yes, you do great on that! All of three minutes then you need to use your Asthma inhaler, or lets face it head out for a cigarette......

Then back to the track! Round and round we go, where we end up nobody knows.

Ah yes, then to the counter to pay the bill.

25 dollars for a session and three more free. You head home feeling great.

Well at least for five minutes.

After that you hit the bed and stay there eating cream cakes and chocolate and moaning at all the aches and pains.

Never again.

Me on the other hand? Feet up, watching TV!

Yes! Now That's How You Do It.....So Easy On The Legs!

#Highheels #Gym

#Highheels #Gym

Not go on a diet....

I mean what's the point?

For starters you have already put on 10 pounds after stuffing yourself with Christmas Turkey, pud and chocolates. Do you really think a non meat, non veg, vegan, egg free diet is going to work?

You have never ever in your whole life been skinny! Do you honestly think that now you are older its going to fall off you and you will end up looking like those tiny models that strut about the stage showing off their legs while flashing new clothes?

Don't make me laugh.

All you will end up doing is heading for the fridge at 3 am trying to convince yourself that actually the Chocolate German Gateau at 3,000 calories a slice will not stick to your hips just because, well, you know, sleeping burns calories? Really?

Me?

I am gonna chew my way through half a cow on New Years day. Eat a ton of spuds and laugh myself silly as I drink a bottle of Baileys! Ooh yum!

Well There Is That.......

not-my-new-year-resolution

Who Clanged The Car....?

Great Exercise though!!

Great Exercise though!!

Be Extra Nice To People.....?

Because, well why?

My New Year Resolution is to be nice to people? Since when? And more to the point will they be nice to you? Of course not.

Try going into that shop just as they are closing and see how nice they are. Oh and when you clang their car, do they smile?

Well do they?

No, not on your life. In fact while running down the road with a great big burly man chasing you, and you are puffing away like an old steam train you can bet your bottom dollar that no, he is definitely not smiling.........

Wasn't my fault honest. I mean, he shouldn't have pulled out near my drive. Wasn't me.....um.

Well at least you could combine the car thing with exercise........!

So......

Be careful, smile politely but sod em if they can't be bothered to smile back.

Bah Humbug.

Mine......All Mine!

#Money

#Money

Not Save Any Money....

What's the point? You all know the saying, 'Let's save for a rainy day.'

Okay, lets look at this correctly. You go to work, put a bit aside and....

Along comes your phone Bill, electricity goes up, your son/daughter 'needs a loan of over 500 dollars' Because they 'Desperately need a new.....insert whatever.

And where does that leave you? Broke as usual.

Bang goes the holiday, new car, clothes, jewelry and so on.

So sod that.

Earn it, spend it is my new motto for the New Year. And then laugh when someone says, 'Please can I borrow.....?' And you can shout NO! Can't sorry, broke......Heehee!

Me? I am going to get paid and then hit the clothes shops, jewelry...need a new hair cut....oh, and books, lots of books.....maybe a DVD...

And then?

Maybe a day trip somewhere....for me......and only me.....Ha.!

So, In A Nutshell......

I am going to slob out, eat loads of calorific food, growl at everybody and splash my money out on me!

Bah Humbug....Scrooge....yep!

I hope you all have a very....


Happy New Year!

© 2018 Nell Rose

Comments

Nell Rose (author) from England on February 11, 2019:

LOL! Thanks so much Natalie!

Natalie Frank from Chicago, IL on February 10, 2019:

This is really funny! What a great idea - the anti New Year's resolution! Now that I can get behind.

Nell Rose (author) from England on January 26, 2019:

Thanks Mark! lol!

Mark Tulin from Ventura, California on January 23, 2019:

Nell, many good laughs in this one. Well done!

Nell Rose (author) from England on January 10, 2019:

Thanks Mary, me too! lol!

Mary Norton from Ontario, Canada on January 09, 2019:

I'm with you Nell. I just do what I enjoy. I think this is the secret.

Nell Rose (author) from England on January 05, 2019:

Hi Devika, same here! lol! thanks

Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on January 05, 2019:

A funny insight here to New Year's resolutions. I don't make any just do what I am happy with all year round.

Nell Rose (author) from England on January 04, 2019:

LOL! I already do that! (only after being up most of the night writing of course!) Thanks, John.

John Hansen from Queensland Australia on January 03, 2019:

Well, I did already comment Nell but it hasn't appeared, so just reconfirming that I love your sense of humour and this made me laugh, even though the points you make are oh so true. I gave up making resolutions because something always happens to upset them. I have a good idea for a diet though...sleep until 11am and then have brunch (combining brekkie and lunch) that way cutting out one meal daily.

Nell Rose (author) from England on January 03, 2019:

LOL! thanks, Tim! yes, those snake 'Charmers' I have read about them, pretty weird! Have a wonderful New Year.

Tim Truzy from U.S.A. on January 02, 2019:

Hi, Nell,

Love your amusing fatalism here. But it is all so true. I like to make resolutions I can stick to all life long. You know: I will not run out into a busy highway during rush hour; I will not jump from a plane at so many thousands of feet without a parachute; I will not try to handle rattlesnakes during a worship ceremony. (That really happens at some charismatic churches here in the U.S. although I think it is illegal.) These are practical and add to life expectancy.

However, I thoroughly enjoyed your take on the resolutions we make which are absolutely absurd.

Thanks for giving me a good New Year laugh.

Much respect across the ocean,

and eat some wonderful chocolates for all of us. (Yum!) I know I will.

Sincerely,

Tim

Nell Rose (author) from England on January 02, 2019:

LOL! Happy New Year my funny Friend!

Nell Rose (author) from England on January 02, 2019:

Happy New Year Jason!

Suzie from Carson City on January 01, 2019:

Ahhhh Nell, my friend. A woman after my own heart! I say Piss on it!! Resolutions are for the anal retentive....There's absolutely nothing wrong with me, just the way I am!

I'll eat what I damned-well please and what??! Go for a brisk walk?? It's time for my nap. Get outta my way! Save money? Yeah sure, WHAT money??! How do we save what we do not have?

Get more organized? Ha!! Tell you what....YOU organize for both of us. I like clutter!!

New Year's resolutions...my ASS!!! Leave me be in my happy place!!

"HAPPY NEW YEAR, GIRLFRIEND!!

Jason Behm from Cebu, Philippines on January 01, 2019:

This is a very entertaining article.

Happy New year Nell.

Nell Rose (author) from England on January 01, 2019:

Hi lupine, good to see you, thanks

lupine from Southern California (USA) on December 31, 2018:

Hi Nell, it's been a while... You're so right! Why make resolutions that are temporary, or even never started. Have a happy new year!

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 31, 2018:

Aw thanks Mary! Happy New Year!

Mary Wickison from Brazil on December 31, 2018:

Once we reach a certain age (our age), you realize what a load of nonsense it all is.

Thanks for the NYE giggle. Happy New Year to you.

Glad you're staying the same, we wouldn't want you any other way.

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 31, 2018:

lol! thanks Peg!

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 31, 2018:

Thanks Zulma, Happy New Year!

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 31, 2018:

Happy New Year Shauna! thanks

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 31, 2018:

LOL! thanks Dale! Happy New Year!

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 31, 2018:

Hi Eric, LOL! Exactly!

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 31, 2018:

Thanks Dora, have a lovely New Year!

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 31, 2018:

HI Doris, lol! yes I have put on 2 stone, 28 pounds over the last two years and hey who cares?

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 31, 2018:

lol! At least you can look at it and think, well I walked a long way today! Thanks Flourish.

Peg Cole from Northeast of Dallas, Texas on December 31, 2018:

Funny and so true. I have plans for resolutions that I'll no doubt break like spending less time on FB. LOL.

Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon from United Kingdom on December 31, 2018:

Nell, you're a woman after my own heart. Happy New Year to you. Sounds like it'll be a good one. :D

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on December 31, 2018:

This is a riot, Nell and so true! I don't think I've ever made a New Year's resolution - ever! What's the point? And why do we think we only need to take a look at bettering ourselves on January 1st?

I like me just the way I am, so I resolve to not resolve!

Happy New Year, Nell! Thanks for the laugh.

Dale Anderson from The High Seas on December 31, 2018:

LOVE it!. Same kind of humor i used in https://hubpages.com/entertainment/So-you-want-to-... Gave me the giggles so much I sent it to a few, select friends. Not the uptight ones.

Eric Dierker from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A. on December 31, 2018:

What a blast to read. My Daughter asked me mine and I just answered "Why mess with perfection."

Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on December 30, 2018:

Nell, I see that you already have a following! Thanks for sharing your insight on New Year Resolutions!

Doris James MizBejabbers from Beautiful South on December 30, 2018:

Hi, Nell. I like your attitude. I don't make New Year's resolutions either because three days later I can't remember them or the location of the piece of paper I wrote them down on. There is one resolution that I can make that I promise I won't break: that is to read, read, read. I'm addicted to reading, so I promise to keep on reading. LOL

BTW, the bit about never being skinny. I was Twiggy before the world ever heard of her. I weighed 85 lbs. on my wedding day (1st wedding). So I've gained 45 lbs since then. Hey, I'm proud of every pound of it and I plan to keep it!

FlourishAnyway from USA on December 30, 2018:

I like your style. Why bother when we know where this is headed in two weeks? My husband got me an Apple Watch for Christmas to motivate me to exercise. It's got to come from the inside, but the watch is cute if I can figure out how to truly work the thing.

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 30, 2018:

lol! no just lazy lazy and er lazy! lol! Happy New Year Audrey!

Audrey Hunt from Idyllwild Ca. on December 30, 2018:

No resolutions for this girl! So nice to have you join me :)

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 30, 2018:

lol! Thanks Yves, Happy New Year!

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 30, 2018:

Happy New Year Pamela! :)

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 30, 2018:

Thanks Peggy, my version is so much easier! lol! Happy New Year!

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 30, 2018:

lol! Happy New year Chitrangada, to you and yours, nell

Yves on December 30, 2018:

That reminds me, I need to go to the store to buy some Bailey's. And even though I just made myself a nice, nutritious smoothie, I'm eyeing the bag of chips next to the blender---and I'm 95% sure I'm going to give in and have a bowl. Sigh. I try to do good, but it all seems for naught.

Anyhoo, I love your sense of humor, Nell, and I know I'm not the only one who can relate to this hilarious article. Hahaha!

Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on December 30, 2018:

Oh Nell, this article is hysterical and full it has so much truth. I quit making resolutions years ago. If someone wants to make a resolution it has to be reasonable for sure.

Happy New Year Nell!

Peggy Woods from Houston, Texas on December 30, 2018:

Oh but Nell...this could be the year that we succeed! I'm not holding my breath but...here is hoping! Haha! Enjoyed the photos along with your wit.

Chitrangada Sharan from New Delhi, India on December 30, 2018:

This made me smile and you speak the truth. I was in the process of making some non achievable resolutions—but your article made me realise, I was wasting my time. (Smile). So, let’s party and enjoy and just celebrate the new year. Happy New Year in advance Nell!

Thanks for sharing this entertaining article!

Nell Rose (author) from England on December 30, 2018:

LOL! Happy New Year Bill!

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on December 30, 2018:

I'll be laughing the rest of the day about this dose of reality and truth. Why make resolutions when I know I'm going to break them within days? That just sets me up for disappointments. I took a look at my gut in the mirror this morning; no way is that going to disappear, so SCREW IT! lol Happy New Year, Nell!