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Thinking

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Just a living person with stories beyond belief and more than willing to share. By the way, I have TBI so I think differentlyandproud of it!

thinking696

Crazy Thoughts..

So, about two years after my accident (which took place in 2007); I started thinking again. Well, I've been thinking the whole time but, was able to distinguish and recognize my thoughts. They were NEGATIVE! At the time, I didn't know how to change it. I didn't like thinking, because, whenever I thought, it was always negative. My thoughts were usually suicidal, why? I have no idea but, I've struggled with that for years!

Really Crazy Thoughts

I was "growing up" again but, could remember some memories which, were mostly criminal; I don't remember how I got myself into those situations. I had crazy thoughts that luckily, stayed thoughts! One day, I even planned out a bank robbery. Nothing happened because, I burned up the paper that I wrote everything on. It almost felt like two separate people were inside of me. It was a really weird feeling, when I had those negative, I mean, REALLY negative thoughts; a different side came in and stopped it. But when it got super hard, suicide was the answer. Luckily, thanks to my dog and dad, I didn't do it. Thank you so much Rocky and Mark Sr., I owe my life to you both!

Getting Kicked Out Of Washington State...

I got kicked out of Washington State or else, be sent to a mental asylum for the rest of my life in,Tacoma. My mother flew to Washington by plane from AZ; back to AZ we were headed. what lead to this; I was drinking whiskey, smoking weed, and suffering from TBI. I didn't have control of my thoughts like I do now but, I was thinking the president was talking to me and, I could have sworn I saw a guy use some kind of jet pack to fly over the freeway. As soon as I thought I saw that, I went into the apartment and suicide was the answer. I Went to my bedroom, called my brother (who lived right across the road); long story short, he drove me to Seattle hospital. The Dr's. couldn't figure out what was wrong and said,I had a mental break. Later, I was sent to a mental hospital in Seattle; which, seemed like jail or prison. Guards were violent; it was interesting, that's for sure.

Beginning of Arizona

I hated it! Way to many people and way to hot! I was talking with one of my exs one night. I don't know why but I thought because we had been talking that for some reason we had a "connection" again. Sammie-Jo was her name, well that night she told me she had got engaged to a doctor and she loved him and this bs, now that I look back I am more than happy for her and hope she is living a happy life, but at the time I heard that and tried committing suicide. I was forced to talk to a "crazy" doctor so he could dope me up on pills. I hate pills! But I had a couple bottles of pills in my room, so I opened them all up and swallowed them.

Arizona years later

Well that didnt work, might have but every time I do an act like that, right after, I think of seeing the sun the next day. So I woke my mom up right after I did that and was taken to the ER by ambulance. I had my stomach pumped and sent to another mental hospital but this was a nice one! Anyways, that was the last major time. Since then, I had moved into my own house, was renting of course, but I had a lot of alone time. I was bored a majority amount of the time and some how I had a mental "shift". I wanted to know everything there was about the brain and how it worked, only problem is there wasn't concrete study's on what I was trying to figure out.

The Fun Part Began..

I started doing research like there was no tomorrow, another thing I tried to understand, about every eight months I would have a headache like it was nobody's business but after it was finished, I knew WAY more than I had known before? I do not have those anymore but still to this day I have no explanation as to why that happened. I have never been able to figure that one out, In my opinion, I think it was all my research that I had been doing; trying to learn how to be a gentleman and a badas$. It is hard for me to stay focused and I enjoy researching so I went off many other ways in my research.

Up Until Now..

Well since the last paragraph, I have experienced SO much more in life, from what I say "the bottom of the barrel to close to the top". I've been homeless but I have also enjoyed life like there was no tomorrow, daily with all my expenses paid for. Come January, I am probably going .. not homeless but living in my vehicle. That is kind of by choice. From there, I really don't know. So now days, I do not have any of those headaches anymore but I continue to research like there is no tomorrow. When I left the hospital back in 2007, I remember the doctor saying something about learning will be very good for ten years after but after that, its going to be tough. So I tried to learn EVERYTHING that first ten years. It is now thirteen years after and ten years was three years ago, I think he was right. Anyways thank you for reading and hope you all stay beautiful and stay blessed! (I don't know if He is up there or not but I like to think something is)

Throwing It All Away: A Son's Suicide and a Mother's Search for Hope

How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me

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