To die or not to die?
Last year in September, our house experienced a near death. What a mind blowing journey that experience opened up. 2014 ended with a blast as a result. 2015 didn't prove to be less instructive either.
While we were able to come out of the old year with a sense of recovery, the new year stole from us what we thought we had preserved. She died. Hmm. What a sense of violation surrounded my faith. The struggle was intense. The agony profound.
I am not yet done grieving. Losing a child is something no parent wants to experience. If we had a choice, many of us would willingly take their place. After all, in having lived long enough to have, and to nurture them... even if only for moments, the attachment, the connection, the sense of identity, speaking of motherhood, in which, for nine months we contemplate the many facets of our service to the new life we carry, and the many interpretations of love we plan to imbibe, as a result of the new beginning afforded us, we never consider the possibllity, and cannot fathom the concept of being forced to lose them forever.
However, there is a(n) however. An old cliche perhaps, but true, as old cliche's often are...life must go on. So, in despair, sunken in desolation and grief so deep, the soul plunges unwittingly deeper, without considering the consequences or side-effect, we thrust wildly in the brackets of harsh reality, thrashing as we go, not knowing which way is up, where to find a haven that excludes the gnawing pain, and lulls to sleep the hundred million thoughts, too ugly to bear, yet latched so tightly they cannot be cast aside. Inwardly, we have died too. A piece of who we are, sets itself apart and refuses to be consoled. Outwardly, we motion the mannerisms and postures of a living creature, moving a little more cautiously perhaps, lacking some of the passion, or allowing it to dictate without inhibition, for a while.
Yes. Life goes on. With it, the questions. What is life? What is the purpose of living? What lies ahead? Does anything lie ahead? ... and thankful for those moments, when utterly exhausted, you realize, you decide that the evidence proves, 'yes'. Something lies ahead. Something magnificent. Something magnanimous. Something more worthy of treasuring, more profound and absolute, more vital and tangible than anything tangible, manifest or experienced on the earth.
Over the next days, or weeks, or months perhaps... if this medium of expression based on cyberspace continues to exist, I will be back to share more. In the meantime, the heading, the category, the ambiguous words used to describe the indescribable may speak for me. I pray some of you will need to know what I have to share. I pray others will help me expand and express. I pray all who read my work will understand... life goes on; and while we are here, we have purpose. Great purpose. Each and every one of us. Even if we never discover what that purpose may be.
Blessings to you. May every breath you take, be recognized as a gift. May every step you take be understood, an opportunity. I'll be back.