CL Grant has authored many relationship books, including "30 Day No Contact Rule," "The Reality of Being the Other Woman," and "Ex Addict."
The signs of a narcissistic man are actually quite easy to spot...but only once you know what you are looking for!
We all display some narcissistic personality disorder symptoms. This is perfectly normal.
But NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is something totally different.
In the early days of a relationship with a narcissistic man, you may admire his self confidence and generosity.
He will sweep you off your feet. He will tell you how he loves you like no other and begin planning your life together.
But this is simply a front. A thin veneer covers his fragile ego. Underneath, this narcissistic sociopath, or narc, is the polar opposite to everything you believed him to be.
When the going gets tough and you need emotional support, the narcissistic man just isn't going to be there for you. This is possibly when the red flags start appearing and you start becoming confused and anxious about his behavior.
Narcissistic traits in males are cold, heartless and manipulative. The relationship is all about him.
Signs Of A Narcissistic Man
In the beginning, narcissistic men are extremely good at concealing their true personalities.
However, over a period of time, their masks will slip and their real identities will be exposed.
Narcissistic personality disorder in men can be identified by the following traits;
- He is vain, selfish, self centred, self-absorbed, cold, heartless and lacks empathy.
- He needs constant attention and adoration.
- You are the one with the personality disorder problem...not him!
- He is always right.
- He never does anything wrong.
- Everything is your fault.
- He talks down to you.
- He is far superior to you.
- He frequently criticizes you. But remember, whatever he says is all true and said for your own good!
- He doesn’t listen to anything he doesn’t want to hear.
- He has double standards.
- He is entitled to commit adultery.
- He is liable to unprovoked outbursts of temper (narcissistic rage).
How To Date A Narcissistic Man
If you’re naïve enough to continue dating a narcissistic man, then I must make one thing perfectly clear to you ladies.
Your sole purpose in life now, is to make him feel good!
In order to succeed at this, you must follow the following quick check list on how to date a narcissistic man.
- Remember that he is special, the centre of the Universe, so make sure you always worship him as such.
- Always ensure that he is the centre of attention.
- Never criticize his behaviour.
- Don’t tell him the truth, unless it is complimentary.
- Don’t express any negative opinions about him or his behaviour.
- Don’t bother him with your worries or problems. These are so insignificant!
- Never cry or get upset in front of him.
- Realize that when he criticizes you, it is for your own good.
Ultimately, of course, you may begin to realise that you are worth more than this and decide to dump his sorry little ass for someone who is more deserving of your love. This may provoke feelings of outrage and insult on his part and he may begin to pursue you with a vengeance. This is not because you are the love of his life...he loves only himself remember...it is because his fragile ego refuses to believe that you don't want him anymore. He needs to prove you wrong.
Nonetheless, as flattering as it may seem at first, please remember that any change in his behaviour will be entirely temporary. Just as a leopard cannot change his spots, a man with narcissistic personality disorder cannot change who is truly is inside.
This content is for informational purposes only and does not substitute for formal and individualized diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed medical professional. Do not stop or alter your current course of treatment. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
© 2012 C L Grant
Jandayi on February 23, 2013:
I shall look forward to reading more of your work on the topic. I know its has helped me.
Keep up the good work !
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on February 23, 2013:
Glad to be of assistance Jandayi!
Actually, I think your comment about "never having closure" is so true for many who have suffered at the hands of a Narc.
If it's any consolation, I'm 47 and never achieved closure from my relationship with a narcissistic man. However, in order to move forward, you just have to accept that there will inevitable be loose ends that are never ever able to be tied.
You will move forward with your life Jandayi, even if it seems highly unlikely at the moment. You just have a few more hurdles to jump!
As the saying goes, knowledge is power. You now know what you're dealing with and, whilst it's hard, you must come to terms with the fact that staying with a Narc will never have a happy ending.
I am so pleased to hear that you are moving forward with your life. You have also inspired me to write a few more articles on narcissism!
I wish you every success and happiness! Best wishes as always.
Jandayi on February 23, 2013:
Thank you for your reply Marketing Merit,
What I have written is just the tip of the iceburg. And come'n across your work here was an answer to his behaviour. As I have talked endlessly with my best friend about this, 'why'?.
Why did he want to marry me? Why is he acting like I don't exist? I knew that (my gut feeling) after disscusing with her that he did in fact does have a problem, and is incapable of any type of meaningful relationship with any woman.
I knew/know that I will never get the aswers to my many questions. I'am woman that has been through a lot prior to meeting him, so I'd like to think that I didn't come down in the last shower. And you are also right there, he figured me out by winning my trust (and he abused it) I was open and hosenst about myself and what happened to me in my past and he used that to his advantage.
However, as time past, I reflected on what was said, how he behaved, and the things I found. As I like to know everything, I don't like to be in the dark. And what you said in your article about him(the Narc) having another 'victim' lined up. Is true. I know this because I have seen both sides to him. The day before we married I came across three small gold boxes in his room. So out of curiosity, I opend them.
In side was two sets of female wedding rings. In the other box was white gold diamond hoop earings. I took them out to him and asked why two sets, and who's earings? He told me to chose of course I chose the diamond ring and ther other was plain white gold, exactly like his wedding ring. Now, this is where it gets interesting. The day before I left, I had packed that one box with the earings and double checked everything before I slept. That box I put in my handbag, the only time i left my bag was to use the toilet (on the plane), when I got back to my seat I checked that box and it was empty. I was so panicked, I was out of my mind thinking it got stolen. A day later I called and told him, he said that the box was there in his room and I forgot to pack it. (I know in my mind I didn't)
Point being is that now its all starting to make sense to me. That other ring and those earings are for another woman.
Now Iam at the point that I know I can't be with this 'iceman', husband or not. He is the most deviant person I have ever met. And I know he don't care about me or what he did to me at all or my son.
Your other article I looked at (above) this is what I have been doing, because there is no piont in trying to contact him to get the answers I am looking for. I know that's never goin to happen.
This HELL marriage is legal in both our countries. And now I have to go through the nuisence of getting a divorce and getting myself out of something he caused. He wont do it. Meanwhile he continues to live a fabulous life.
Lastly, I have been looking for work and got afew days here and there.
I've gone back to finish my degree after changing my life around (like a fool).
Because life is to short to waits it on evil, heartless people.
I feel content, not happy, but content, because Iam slowly getting my old life back.
And I say not happy because now I can't trust any man, how can I again? So content to just be alone, at 40 but that's life I guess? And I know I wil never have closure on this.
Thank you !! Reading your articles really hepled me, and replying to you was like therapy.
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on February 23, 2013:
Sorry to hear of your predicament Jandayi, but your story worries me as you seem to be so alone and dependent upon this man.
What I suggest you do is firstly find out if the marriage that took place in his country (you don't say where) is legally recognised in your country. If it is, then I would seek advice as to how to proceed with a divorce. I am sure that there will be several places that will offer free advice in your country.
Then you need to shift out of DENIAL and face up to REALITY.
From personal experience, I know that this is actually the hardest part. You don't want to face the truth and accept that the Narc is what he is and can never change.
NPD is a personality disorder that, in your husband's case, may be borderline but nonetheless has devasting consequences for those who have the unfortunate experience of loving them.
Visualise your Narc as being a wolf in sheep's clothing. You are constantly waiting for the sheep to re-appear but this will never happen on a permanent basis.
You married a wolf!
Occasionally, the sheep may re-appear. Usually when he wants something from you or his narcissistic needs are not being met by you or someone else.
Please note that I don't use the "someone else" reference lightly or to hurt you. His time and energy is undoubtedly being targeted towards his next "victim." But don't be envious of her. Pity her. She is innocent and naïve, just like you were, and doesn't know what fate awaits her.
Next, you need to regain your financial independence from this man. You need to find employment so that you can support yourself and your son. Could you get your old job back?
Also, as daunting as it may seem, you can start earning a modest amount by writing about your experiences on Hubpages. This is not going to earn you an income straight away and the remuneration is not life changing, but I think in your case it may actually be therapeutic.
You could call it "My Journey with a Narcissist" and publish it in parts. How you met/married/after marriage/divorce/life after a narc etc etc. You will also get support from others who are able to relate to your experiences.
Also, when you do get a job, DO NOT PART WITH A PENNY OF IT!!
In fact, your husband is not even going to know about any income because YOU need to cease all contact with him. For your own sanity.
Have a read of my No Contact Rule after breakup hub for some advice on this Jandayi.
If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your son. You must put him before this man.
The bottom line is that you are expecting a totally illogical man to act in a rational way. This will never happen. Square peg and round hole spring to mind. Narc's are grand masters at screwing with your mind and your sanity.
Take care Jandayi and let me know how you get on. I will also subscribe to your hubs if you decide to take that route also.
Jandayi on February 23, 2013:
Dear Marketing Merit,
I must say what you have wrote is exactly what I married !
You have described my huband to a tee. Iam going to tell my story.
Sadly, my husband and I met on the net, (upon reflection I do believe he targeted me) we exchanged numbers after some time and he called me straight away. I told him in our first convasation that once a week would be sufficient enough, but no he insisted that he would call every day several times a day (and he did). Told me daily that I was what he was searching for all his life, I was his sould mate, told me I deserved nothing but the best, and he was going to give me that. This went for months as we lived in separate countries. Naturally, I felt fattered and thought I had met the man of my dreams. So he decided that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He made arragements for me to travel and meet him, so I did. (however me being independent for so long I paid my own way) I jetted off halfway around the world. He picked me up from the airport, and there he was waiting. To me he didn't feel like a 'stranger' I felt I knew him all my life. We spent seven days together, he talk about what he wanted in life and how we were to spend the rest of our lives together, he planned it all, the house, 'my car', children, (he even picked a name), told me I was the best thing apart from his daughter to happen to him. While there marriage was on the cards and we discussed it, and agreed to it. I left the country and returned home, he continued to call me daily whispering sweet-nothnings, talking about our future and planning for it. In November I returned, with my wedding dress, the date was set and all we need to do was show up and marry with some (not all) of his famly, oddly not not mine as I would have liked to esp. my children present, everything was so rushed and I had no imput. After we married I noticed suttle changes. Now, the wedding was NOT as he said, the honeymoon was NOT as he said. The first day of our honeymoon he spent an hour on the phone to his ex-wife in the lobby in secret. I had asked when he entered the room, 'where the hell did you go?', and 'why did you lie to me about the card', (to enter our room), he said he didn't lie. Anyway, we had a full on argument. All seemed well after that, so I thought.
Almost three weeks later I returned home. Febuary everything in our relationship did a 360. He changed completely. The phone calls started to slow, and his excuse was the it was cheaper for me to call him once he wired me the peanuts he send me and my children to live off. He told me to give up my job and that 'he' would 'supplement' my income, that never happened. He blamed me for 'throwing in my job'. He even denied saying it. Iam the blame for the 'problems' in the marriage. I am a liar, I have a personality problem, in fact I have to personalities, I still carry my baggage from my first relationship, I live in the past and that effects the marriage. He lied to his mother about me, saying I am getting mad over him spending money on his daugher (21). That's not the case, if you reflect back to the phone call to the ex-wife, that was over money, he didn't pay her rent, it was overdue. He, although she has moved on (and she cheated over the yrs in their marriage) he pays for everything to keep that woman.
Kept saying to me 'you'll be here soon', well14 months later and Iam still waiting. It has been an continues to be a nitemare for me and my son, as it is just him and I now at home. I have suffered at the hands of a heartless man, nasty, cold blooded ice man, who has no regard for my feelings, or any emapthy for the pain he has caused, even laughing at me when upset on the phone to him. The one thing I can never forgive myself for is trusting this ice man, because of my trust my son is suffering. I as an adult can handle it, BUT not my son, because I have no job, he feels the wrath of this man more than me.
And the saga continues, wont even reply my emails or txt and calls. Refuses to be responsible for what hes done.
I really don't know what to do how do I (and obviously the responsible adult here) resolve this without any communication on his part, he has just abondone me.