Something that is on many people's minds who are dealing with narcissists is, does the narcissist hate me? The answer is yes. The narcissist in your life does hate you. They hate everybody, including themselves. They hate themselves for not being good enough and they hate you for proving that to them every day -- simply by existing. The very fact that you exist is a threat to the narcissist, because it reminds the narcissist that they are not perfect.
That's the twist here: all of the narcissist's hate for you is really hate for themselves. Not only do they not have genuine positive feelings for other people, such as love or respect or acceptance, they don't even have genuine negative feelings for other people like hatred. It's all about them. The sadistic hurtful games you think the narcissist is playing with you are actually games the narcissist is playing with themselves. You're just a tool to do this with. You only matter as far as the narcissist can use you, either to hurt themselves or to make themselves feel better. You yourself do not matter at all.
It's all projection. Narcissists hate people who aren't narcissists, and they hate them for not being narcissists. They hate people who are not mentally ill, who are not broken or flawed or weak, the way they perceive themselves to be. So they project those insecurities onto other people. A person they initially admired becomes hated for having or being everything the narcissist wishes they themselves could have or be, and the narcissist becomes envious and hateful because the person is, in the narcissist's opinion, an undeserving recipient of such wonderful qualities and therefore, they are a walking reminder of how much of a failure the narcissist really is.
The narcissist imagines that they are being compared to this person by others and coming out a distant second. They cannot abide by this, and they will do anything they can to destroy the perception they think other people have of the hated person being perfect or not flawed. They are consumed with pathological jealousy, envy and self-hatred. This creates a toxic cocktail which results in a personality that is bent on destroying the people around them in the misguided belief that knocking other people down makes them appear taller. They seek to soothe their own insecurities not by building themselves up with healthy self-esteem as normal people would do, but by destroying anything that threatens them.
Because they hate themselves so much and feel like such failures, narcissists look for a certain type of partner. They want people who are special in some way. Maybe the partner is talented or gifted in some way, maybe they have a very strong family and support system... they target people who have things they want. They hope to absorb these qualities from their partner, or to "wear" their partner's talents and personality as a skin, like Invasion of The Body-Snatchers. They seek to dominate and control the partner so that they can siphon their good qualities and use it to fortify their own withering armor. We see behavior this very clearly in the cloning behavior that many narcissists employ.
Narcissists have a very unstable identity and so they will often try to adopt the skills, talents or hobbies of their partners. They will horn in on every aspect of your life in an attempt to take it over and make it about them. They hate you because they can't. No matter how hard they try to steal another person's identity or personality, underneath it all, they are still themselves. Your existence reminds them of that and they hate you like fire for it.
For example, If you are a competent painter, the narcissist may decide to take up painting also. This is nice, right? Something you can do together. Wrong. The narcissist cares nothing about spending time together. They have simply seen a way they can get attention and recognition and they want to do it, too. Of course, there's a problem with that: you. The fact that you are painting as well is a problem. You are taking attention away from them and worse, you're better at it than they are. Talented, charismatic or otherwise gifted partners are expected to "tone it down" so as not to outshine the narcissist, or to give the narcissist credit that they don't deserve for things they didn't do.
Narcissists expect to be acknowledged as outstanding, amazing and special, even when they've done nothing to warrant that. The narcissist is the star in this movie, and no one is permitted to outshine them. Ever. When people do not abide by this unspoken rule, the narcissist becomes enraged, accusing others of sabotaging or holding the narcissist back because of their jealousy of the narcissist. Or they will degrade and insult their partner's talent, telling them that no one really likes their work or that they aren't really very good at it. They hate their partner for being better at something than they are and for not caring about the narcissist enough to hide that fact. The reality is that the narcissist is jealous of the attention and admiration they believe their partner is receiving. They are the ones trying to sabotage things for their partner, because the narcissist is supposed to come first, and the cost to other people is not important.
Often they will succeed at their sabotage and then they relax because the threat has been eliminated. This will happen over and over again, with the partner being robbed of every single thing they love to do or are good at until their is nothing left for the narcissist to feel threatened by. Since this also results in the person losing the special qualities the narcissist was attracted to in the first place, many times the narcissist will move on at this time, discarding the victim and looking for another person they can emulate and absorb in their endless quest to be special.
Tamara Moore on July 09, 2017:
This is an amazing, and well-written article. I love the title, as well. I also write about these kind, but more so via Rhyming Poems.
Thank you for this excellent and informative article!
Renee Bonin on July 06, 2017:
I think I am married to a Narcisse. For years now he has not been happy with me. When I try to talk to him, he flies off the handle. He tells me that I don't start the conversation right. If I ask him a question he tells me I don't ask in the right way.
When he comes home from work he will acknowledge the animals before he does me. When I say something about it he tells me I am wrong. He even went as for one time to tell.me that I am jealous of the animals.
When he does go to kiss me he leans into me but doesn't want his body to touch mine. The only time he does is if I say something about it.
I am seeing a pattern that he comes from a long line of Narcissism. His father is not speaking to any of the family. I think my husband would be happy if I wouldn't tall at all.
He tells me that I don't let him know what is going on. I tell him that when I try to talk to him he finds a reason to get mad and walk away or avoid what it is that we need to talk about.
I need some help. I don't know how to deal with this matter any longer. Sometimes I think I am going crazy. I am tired and wore down.
Yves on July 06, 2017:
I've heard it said that evil/evil spirits do the same thing. They attach themselves to anyone who is vulnerable (even if this vulnerability has nothing to do with the true character of an individual) and they steal their energy to remain extant.
If they steal all the energy, the person is left a broken shell---at which point evil discards its prey since there is nothing left of the individual to feed off of anymore. That is why it is so important to remove oneself from narcissists and to never look back.
Another interesting hub, as always.