Who am I? Where am I?
After I have had a seizure I try desperately to piece my confusing life together. I have had Epilepsy for most of my adult-life. I had my first Tonic-cyclonic seizure at the age of sixteen, after being struck down in a hit and run accident. I am now the ripe age of fifty-six. My writing career didn't begin for me until I was forty-six. I had discovered a career in Freelance writing. I was passionate about writing, and it was something I could accomplish even with my disability. It has been a long road with many bumps to get to the point of finally finding a career that fits my lifestyle. It is a possibility that I might be able to achieve a writing career, working around my seizures--so to speak!
Dragging Myself Out of the Doom and Gloom
There have been times when I have wondered what my life would have been like if I did not have my disability. I think of the wonderful perfect life I could have had; perhaps even sharing it with a husband and children. Having a perfect life is something everyone dreams of whether they have a disability or not. In reality, most of us do not have perfect lives. I try not to think of the "What Ifs" as this tends to lead me into a state of depression. I try to think of the cup as half-full instead of half- empty. This of coarse can be challenging at times to accomplish! It is easy to fall into a state of self-pity if we allow it to happen. Once there it can be very difficult to drag one's self up and out of the doom and gloom.
Stress Equals Seizures
Speaking for myself, it has or can be very difficult to always look on the bright side of things. Believe me, I have chosen to look at the darker side of things at different times in my life. One of these times was a very emotionally draining break-up with my then-fiancée, now husband. This added excess stress in my life caused me to have more seizures than ever before. One of the main triggers for me that tends to lead to a seizure is if I get too stressed out. Well, I suppose for me, splitting up with my fiancée fell under that category!
Living Alone with Epilepsy
During this stressful period, I ended up moving back to my parent's house for a month. I quickly got my own apartment, which I then settled into. I shared my apartment with my Red Devil Cichlid (Mr. Fish) who had been a great roommate and companion. For most of my seizures I have been alone when they have happened. I have been blessed for the most part, as I didn't suffer any serious injuries from them other than a few black-eyes, fat lips and stiches over the years. Many people were surprised to learn that I had lived alone while taking Grand Mal (Tonic-clonic) seizures. During that period of my life, many people asked me the following question: "Aren't you afraid to live alone especially since you take seizures?" I explained that my Epilepsy was part of my life, but it did not totally control or run my life. I obviously have many things I don't do because of my disability. However, I like to do as much as I can for myself, thus not depending too much on others. I prefer to hold onto as much of my independence as possible!
My Loved Ones Suffer
My disability has not only been stressful for me. Alas, it has also been stressful for my family and loved ones who have had the misfortune of seeing me in seizures. I myself have never seen someone in a seizure. Don't get me wrong I am not saying it is something I want to see! I know how helpless my loved ones feel when witnessing me thrashing and gasping on the floor. I know seeing this has caused them great grief and despair over the years. This awful part of the seizure I myself have no memory of. I think it is a blessing, as it is not something I would want to remember. On the other hand, there are many memories I have lost largely due to my disability that I wish I could remember. With the help of my loved ones, they often try to bring those lost memories back to me. Often by showing me pictures, videos, or verbally telling me of special moments that we shared etc. I feel sad when I see the hurt in their eyes; when they realize that I do not even possess a dust bunny of the special memory they so desperately wish I could remember!
Working Around My Seizures
On a happier note, when I graduated in Nov 28/2011 from my Freelance Writing course; I was so happy when I accomplished this. I have always liked telling and writing stories since I was a small child. I felt so frustrated when it came to trying to find a career that was suitable for me, as well as my disability. I had tried different jobs and careers most of which never lasted long, largely due to my seizures. The thing I found frustrating was never knowing when the next seizure was going to occur. Freelance Writing is a career that I can work around my seizures. I can work from home and be able to work on my own schedule! I still have much to learn in this field; but I am enjoying my journey towards hopefully becoming a successful writer!
I feel that my guardian angel came up with this great idea for a career; or at least had something to do with putting it right in front of me. I can't tell you how my journey has finally led me to become a freelance writer, but all I can say is I'm glad I am here today. This has given me hope that I can succeed while living with my disability. I know there is life filled with happiness, beyond the seizures! I'm reaching out to grab a piece of it! If you are someone who suffers from a disability or is just feeling down, then try and find something that you are passionate about, and set some personal goals for yourself! Start with small goals that are within reach. Remember nothing worthwhile is ever easy to achieve in life! So, if there are some bumps in the road along the way no-worries! Just remember this is all part of your life's journey! Just keep moving forward towards your goal, and eventually, you will reach it!