Katie doesn’t have any experience with this topic—that’s why she’s opening up to all of you in hopes of learning more!
I have sat down to write this article several times and ended up having to walk away. Every time I started it, the words that came out were full of anger, frustration, and pettiness. I'm trying to write about patience and jealousy -- two things that are sometimes very easy to recognize and manage and other times are almost impossible for me to overcome. In my world, the two are often connected.
My husband and I are playing the waiting game in many different areas of our life. It's hard. It's so hard. I know in my head and in my heart that answers will come, but the waiting period can be brutal. Thoughts will pop in my head that are so unlike me, and honestly sometimes are scary:
- Am I not good enough for this?
- Did I do something wrong?
- Is this karma or payback?
- Who do I think I am to believe I deserve this?
- Am I just a bad person?
Again, I know in my head and my heart that these things aren't true. But...I can almost guarantee you all have felt the same at some point in your life, or many points of your life.
Then, you see the things you want happen to others. Usually I would be overridden with jealousy. I can be quick to judge things as unfair. I compare every step I took to every step they took and weigh the results. It eats me alive trying to figure out what they did differently than me. Then, I'll make changes in my life to fit with how they achieved their successes. Well, hindsight is 20/20 and I think we all know that didn't work. What works for other people doesn't always work for me. Duh.
(Note: I want to acknowledge that I have had so many amazing things happen in my life that I equate to being successful. I'm not trying to be ungrateful, just trying to be real. We all have highs and we all have lows -- and it's cyclical.)
But knowing that doesn't stop me from having those thoughts. No amount of self-reflection can stop you from being human. I could blame this society in which I was raised for imbedding comparisons into my life, and I do to an extent. But I also want to take this into my own hands a little.
I have been working on my ability to be happy for others and omit the comparison. I even wrote about it a while ago; you might remember. I seriously do love when I see others succeed, achieve accomplishments, and/or get rewarded for their efforts. I need to continue practicing that mindset and now I'd like to add to it. I'd like to work more on patience and trust that my turn will come. I'm not saying that I expect things handed to me and that I'm done working towards my goals. I'm just leaning more on trusting in the Higher Power. That in itself has freed up so much of the worry-space in my brain. The cliche, "it's just not meant to be," is sometimes thrown around loosely, but I really hold on to it. I am a person who believes everything happens for a reason (another good cliche for you) and those reasons are sometimes invisible or aren't shown to you until many miles down the road. But I am choosing to trust, because without trust and hope, I fear my forward-thinking drive would slowly diminish.
We all have a purpose. I have a purpose. What can suck is that it may not be what I intended. But that leaves room for even more appreciation when it is "my turn." Today I am remembering to keep striving towards my desires, to be a positive force who is proud of others, and to trust more and more that my purpose is ever-evolving and many more turns will come my way at the right time...for me.