I spent my entire life obsessing over how horrible I looked. Until....
How , and When Did it Become All About Looks for me?
That’s a question that I'm not sure I can answer. I can only surmise. I don’t want to put blame solely on my father, but he was the biggest contributor.
I remember him constantly critiquing EVERYONE'S looks. From those we knew personally, to people on TV, in commercials, everyone! Their looks, their bodies.....it was just so weird when I remember it now. But back then, since it was all I knew, it was normal. I just assumed everyone's parents did the same thing.....right?
My Childhood Normal was Anything but.....
Since my father constantly critiqued everyone's looks, naturally I became obsessed with my own. And it didn't help that I looked different anyway because I have worn a prosthetic eye since I was 6 months old.
Then Suddenly This Happened to me
I had always been a slender kid. Then when I was about 14 I gained a few pounds.
Now let me back up here and say that my father always used to tell me what a "great body" I had...."great Legs", "sexy butt".....to me this was all normal since he never laid a hand on me, and again, it was all I knew. But after I gained a few pounds. (And I mean a few. Maybe I needed to loose 10 pounds tops) I asked him if I could have a piece of pie (we always had to ask before we could have any food), and he said; "No, Jace, you're really eating too much lately". So like the occasionally whiny teenager I was, I begged; "pleeeze?...." And with that , he replied (with an obnoxious smirk on his face) "No CHUBBY"..... That's a comment I will never forget.
This was when eating disorders were first coming in to fashion and he was quite aware of the damage his snarky comment could have on a teenage girl. HIS teenage girl
And it did :
This was the beginning of an eating disorder that lasted until pretty much yesterday. I am almost 58 years old
My Father the Drama Queen
My father was a man of extremes. Always speaking in hyperbole. And very dramatic about it.
I'm also realizing that he bored easily. Which was probably why he was also a functional alcoholic.....but I'm getting off on a tangent here.
But this should help you understand why I was (and still am at times) so obsessed with my looks, especially my body
This is not about my father, or my eating disorder. It's about how we perceive our physical selves and the effect it can have on our lives
There were too many times I was so disgusted with the way I saw myself that I'd allow it to distract me from everything else.
So now that I FINALLY feel good about my looks at 58 years of age......so what ??
I spent my entire life hating how I looked. I'm so happy that I've finally stopped that.......but so what? It didn't make me a better person.
I can't believe I spent my life singularly focused on my looks
Now that I finally have a much more realistic, and healthy view of myself I wonder why I agonized so much
Maybe it is a big deal to finally accept my physical self. To have stopped getting distracted by my horrible looks. Because I no longer see them as horrible.
I should never have seen them as horrible in the first place. That perception is horrible in itself
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
© 2022 jacy albertson