What if I'm not Okay?
I'm not sure if I remember what "ok" feels like......and if I don't...then what?
Are You Ok?
I have lived a very complicated life:
From being born with cataracts and glaucoma in one of my eyes, to having the eye removed when I was 6 months old.….,to having an extremely hard time learning things that everyone else understood, I never said anything about it because I was already being made fun of for looking different because only one eye moves. Why would I want to add to that by having kids thinking I was stupid too? This is how I thought as a child. I must have a learning disability
To then having a stroke when I was 47, (I am 58 now) so now when I talk I sound drunk. Some who first meet me treat me like I am slow, because only one eye moves , and because of how I now talk.... But all I have to do to correct their behavior is to sprinkle in a couple of fancy words, ( I just open my mouth and let those big words come right out)
Throw an eating disorder to the mix also (since I was 14)
But that isn't all...
Because I was feeling so sorry for myself, I made some pretty catastrophic, life altering mistakes, that caused me to feel even sorrier for myself
The vicious cycle of me
From time to time I get asked if I'm "ok"....
When ever anyone has asked me if I am ok, I always automatically say "yes". Because really, what could anyone do for me if I said "no"?
There were a few moments where I was ok, but they were fleeting
My life is much better now., and I'm in a stronger emotional place, but...
I'm not sure I remember what "ok" feels like
Although I'm in a better place, I don't know that I've been "ok" since I was a child. I've just gotten used to not being ok.
I now look back on the past 10 years of my life, and it's as if I intentionally set out to make myself miserable. But not on a conscious level.
I'd been walking around in a fog since I had my stroke . I think that was my way of surviving such unpleasantness. I'm not in that fog anymore, life is better....but because I am not in that fog anymore, it's as if I'm suddenly waking up to the reality of my life.
Many have told me not to look back
But how can I not? I can’t just delete a portion of my life. And In a way it defines me.....or at least it defines who I was
I'm definitely more "ok" than I have been in years.....but suddenly waking up to what's real at 58 years of age, is terrifying
Am I ok?
I'm not sure
But what I am sure of is that I will get past this
I get past everything
I am one of those "survivor" types
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
© 2022 jacy albertson
