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What if I'm Not Really Ok?

I'm not sure if I remember what "ok" feels like......and if I don't...then what?

what-if-im-not-really-ok

Are You Ok?

I have lived a very complicated life:

From being born with cataracts and glaucoma in one of my eyes, to having the eye removed when I was 6 months old.….,to having a learning disability which I never said anything about because I was already being made fun of for looking different because my eyes aren't symmetrical. Why would I want to add to that by having kids thinking I was stupid too? This is how I thought as a child

To then having a stroke when I was 47, (I am 58 now) so now when I talk I sound drunk. Some who first meet me treat me like I am slow, because only one eye moves , and because of how I now talk.

Throw an eating disorder to the mix also (since I was 14)

But that isn't all...

Because I was feeling so sorry for myself, I made some pretty catastrophic, life altering mistakes, that caused me to feel even sorrier for myself

The vicious cycle of me

From time to time I get asked if I'm "ok"....

When ever anyone has asked me if I am ok, I always automatically say "yes". Because really what could anyone do for me if I said "no"?

There were a few moments where I was ok, but they were fleeting

My life is much better now. I'm in a stronger emotional place. Also I no longer care that my eyes are not symmetrical.

I'm not sure I remember what "ok" feels like

Although I'm in a better place, I don't know that I've been "ok" since I was a child.

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I now look back on the past 10 years of my life, and it's as if I intentionally set out to make myself miserable. But not on a conscious level.

I'd been walking around in a fog since I had my stroke . I think that was my way of surviving such unpleasantness. I'm not in that fog anymore, life is better....but because I am not in that fog anymore, it's as if I'm suddenly waking up to the reality of my life.

People have said not to look back

But how can I not? I can’t just delete a portion of my life. And In a way it defines me.....or at least it defines who I was

I'm definitely more "ok" than I have been in years.....but suddenly waking up to what's real at 58 years of age, is terrifying

Am I ok?

I'm not sure

But what I am sure of is that I will get past this

I get past everything

I am one of those "survivor" types

This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.

© 2022 jacy albertson

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