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Unconsciously, All Couples Are Constantly Unfaithful


Val is a life-long practically oriented student of effective emotional and attitudinal responses to the many challenges of life.

Image by Prawny from Pixabay

Image by Prawny from Pixabay

When truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie.

-- Yevgeny Yevtushenko

In Mood for Exposing a Hidden Truth Again

Nothing in the following post should come as a shock to any of those already familiar with my oddly-straightforward, if not at times downright blasphemous mind-style. While they must have already learned to forgive much of it -- as for all the others, let their mental claws come out as often as they want for a gesture of protest, eventually they'll get used to it reading my stuff.

So it may be the case with this post, where I am challenging everyone's wedding vows as only a nice conscious intention to stay faithful "till death do us apart" -- while an unconscious devil is giggling and saying "Yeah, right".

What else to expect from this mind of mine that's operating on whims of intuitive brainstorming, turning every stone for hidden truth, seeing an overdue expiry date on every taboo.

Now, not that those ideal love stories don't exist, there are exceptions to every rule -- after all, even a clock that stopped shows correct time twice in every 24 hours, but in that case, don't ask "what time it is". And likewise, don't bother thinking too much about such isolated cases where a Romeo and Juliette stick to everything they said to each other over that balcony rail.

What I will be trying hard to convince you is, that the only instinct stronger in our brain's hierarchy than our unconscious eroticism is our instinct to survive. Now, you can disagree as much as you want, but that's the unholy trait which we inherited from just about any other living thing on earth.

Yes, we want to live and we want to multiply, and it's much more of a strong unconscious tandem in us than we are willing to believe. They are enhanced by two strongest emotions we are capable of experiencing -- fear, for survival, and orgasmic excitement, for reproduction. Indeed, there is nothing stronger that we are capable of feeling, on its negative and its positive extreme.

These two powerful flames, undergoing a refinement by much more civilized front lobe of our brain, gave birth to the whole emotional spectrum as we know it -- some of it quite dignifying too.

Image by Carabo Spain from Pixabay

Image by Carabo Spain from Pixabay

Poetry is a naked woman, a naked man, and the distance between them.

-- Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Eroticism and Survivalism Turned-On at All Times

I am slowly approaching the main assertion about all couples being unconsciously unfaithful -- but first I have to impress you enough with the true power of incessantly turned-on tandem of eroticism and survivalism.

To continue from where I stopped, just look now at some of the derivatives of fear and orgasmic arousal -- being two emotional carriers of those two basic instincts.

From fear comes territoriality -- which refined becomes patriotism, by the way. Then we have jealousy, envy, arrogance, seeking a status of an "alpha" in the pack, drive for riches, as hoarding the means of survival out of unconscious fear of scarcity; shame, guilt, anger, sadness -- all derived from fear.

From eroticism we got love, spirituality, morality, music, dance, art, poetry, playfulness, and humor.

By the way, look at the two lists, you'll see the nice one being shorter, displaying the truth how fear is motivating us much more than eroticism in life. Which shows our need to consciously evolve more -- metaphorically, to "stop running so much away from, and start longing more".

What may be less obvious at first sight is that the tandem is so interwoven that one emotion from one will also mean a lot in the other. Like, you would never think that arrogance have anything to do with erotic arousal. But ask any of those who enjoy rough sex. Or those body builders to whom masculinity unconsciously means a tool for arrogance -- but at the same time a tool to attract women of certain taste.

Also, the drive for a status in herd is closely related to a male's need to impress a lot of females, and to show-off power to many males in the herd.

Then, look at the proven formula for a good action movie consisting of violence, sex, and profanities. On a very subtle level, those violent video games are quite arousing, and also, anybody enjoying in jogging may be familiar with the pleasant sensation of that flood of endorphins.

For my last example, isn't it strange that couples may get erotically aroused during thunderstorms, which, to the primitive part of brain means potential danger?

Now, hoping that you are sufficiently faced with the enormous, and constantly present tandem of survivalism and eroticism -- let's get closer to our main theme.

Image by Kalhh from Pixabay

Image by Kalhh from Pixabay

A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.

-- Sophia Loren

Let's Face It -- Unconsciously, We Are All Damn Cheaters

Covered well under the threshold of awareness is this volcano of a desire to live and to procreate -- masked under much of rationalizing. Like, when your wife is slapping that coat of makeup on her face, you just approve, being fond of your woman taking care of her looks, right?

In reality, unconsciously she still wants to be wanted by other males, and envied by other females in the herd. In her mind, her hunt for a man is over, and that should mean that her need to look attractive should be over as well, right? But it doesn't work that way -- under these x-rays eyes of my suspicious mind.

But listen, you can't blame her, because then you would have to start calling yourself an unfaithful pig -- since, just as well, it's biologically, unconsciously, impossible for you to see another woman without checking her out as an object of eroticism.

That's the point I am trying to convey to your faithful, civilized, ethical, decent minds -- it is stronger than you, stronger than any social norms. It's like watching someone lick the half of the lemon and trying to prevent that instant salivating -- or seeing someone yawn, and not yawning.

I am trying to say here, that we can philosophize all we want about what is decent or not, but our basic drive to see a "female" in every lady is something we can't help.

Now, ever since that so called sexual revolution, you must have noticed that with appearance of rock'n roll, dancers are not dancing anymore in pairs, but in groups. I bet, you never thought why. I bet, you never gave some significance to that sudden excessive moves at mid-section of bodies -- while facing one, then facing another, and another, every one in that group.

Connect that in your mind with that highly sensual ethnic mentalities of Polynesia, India, and Middle East, where belly dancing is one of cultural signatures (Spain too, but they got it from Arabs who invaded them in the past). Ever thought how the male sense of power in Middle East has a lot to do with having a whole harem, instead of a wife?

Hey, this "no more dancing in pairs" -- isn't that telling us something about the changing times, when achieved freedoms are loosening that censor (of which I will talk in the next chapter) between our powerful (ever-horny) unconscious representing some 90% of our mental dynamics, and our (moralistic) consciousness.

Again, folks, we just can't look at a person of opposite gender without unconsciously associating them with a partner in bed. Sorry, blame your mental structure, not me.

Image by Bing N from Pixabay

Image by Bing N from Pixabay

There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious truth.

-- Arthur Conan Doyle

Thanks to Our Morally Programmed Censor

You all heard about something like Oedipus complex, right? Oedipus was that ancient bastard who married his mother, and then many centuries later, someone like Sigmund Freud, a dude obsessed with role of sexuality in our life, used it to describe the pathology of a kid being erotically attracted to their parent of opposite gender.

Well, it doesn't have to lead to wedding bells, like in case of Oedipus, but it's no secret that many sons and mothers, as well as daughters and fathers develop that "special bond".

How else can I convince you about this automatic attraction between genders, if even members of the same blood experience it -- to a certain healthy degree.

So, why is it so well kept secret of your being unable to unconsciously stop yourself from eyeballing your best friend's wife -- when nobody is watching, of course?

All this marital morality is possible only due to that censor in our mental structure, which I briefly mentioned in the last chapter. It's a very important function, protecting our precious consciousness from that gamut of unconscious signals, all of which would want to take a part in our wakeful mental activities.

Indeed, without that censor, we would literally go insane.

Likewise, our bodily orderliness would go outta wack if all that crap we are daily thinking about would freely affect our hearts, livers, and digestion -- now not even to start talking about our genitals.

However, the mind-body medicine is clearly showing us how that censor is not completely efficient. The way we are interpreting our life situations, our relating with the world and how it appears to relate to us -- passes that barrier screwing us up all the way to our cellular levels. In its negative aspect -- remember psycho-somatic diseases, but also in a positive aspect -- remember placebo effect, where conscious mind triggers unconscious healing mechanisms.

O.K., let's not go there now, but let's say that the part of that censor which handles our morality is still doing a pretty good job with so many of us. Look, I've been married for 55 years, and God himself knows that I have unconsciously (?) sinned more than I care to remember -- and yet, our marriage works pretty much like a Swiss watch.

Actually, my wife doesn't mind my non-possessive observing the female beauty. She says about me: "Once when he loses that interest, he will become less of a man -- or just a damn liar saying that he never notices other good looking women". Didn't I tell you, my wife is a pretty wise woman. With that same wisdom she also knows how I see the way she gets emotionally involved with movies with Brad Pitt.

O.K., so here we came to another end of yet another of my playing a smart ass. Well, at least, I always play it with cards laying open on the table. My mind may not always deal me a good hand, but hey, my readers are not perfect either, so what the hell.

© 2020 Val Karas


Val Karas (author) from Canada on March 01, 2020:

Devika -- For a little humor, remember words of Jesus: "Forgive them, Father, they don't know what they are doing."

Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on March 01, 2020:

Hi Vladimir this is an interesting insight to this topic. You covered an aspect of cheating from the unconscious mind and it makes me see how one can do this without even knowing it.

Val Karas (author) from Canada on February 29, 2020:

Carolyn -- This is not the first time that you've proved to be a wise woman. Your husband is a lucky man to have you.

Carolyn Fields from South Dakota, USA on February 29, 2020:

I remember my vows clearly . . . they stated, in part:

"I promise to reach only for you and be faithful to you, setting aside all others, until death parts us."

I think that there is a physicality implied here. Wandering eyes/minds are exempt.

Besides, I don't really care where my husband gets his engine revved up, as long as he parks his car in my garage. So to speak. As it were.

John Hansen from Queensland Australia on February 29, 2020:

Haha Val you have me smiling at that comment. Cheers my friend.

Allen Edwards from Iowa on February 29, 2020:

And we -- those of us who feel the need to write about that part of that of which we obtain satisfaction -- will always have the opportunity to become a part of the that of which we think others think about that of which they obtain satisfaction.

In a shorter form.."No matter where you go..there you are".

Val Karas (author) from Canada on February 29, 2020:

John -- Hey, my buddy "Down Under" has finally shown a nice photo of him -- not that anything was wrong about the artistic version. And now that I am looking at you, I consciously like what I see, and unconsciously (read my comment to Brenda), I am wondering if you are better looking than I. Hmm.. I guess, your wife would still choose you, and my wife would choose me -- and as for all other women out there, let them fight over us old geezers!!!

Val Karas (author) from Canada on February 29, 2020:

Brenda -- You are totally right, my friend, the word "unconsciously" is bound to be interpreted as something that "we do just not thinking". I was well aware of it, and initially I wanted to use the word "subconsciously", because to be "unconscious" also means to "pass out".

But then, "subconscious" had too much of a "scientific" taste, and as long as I would rush to show it's all something of animalistic, primitive nature in us -- which I did -- "unconscious" would be understood right way, being more of everyday's word.

But hey, don't be sorry, you made a good point. And I do understand how you want to look nice -- "consciously or unconsciously". Just like I understand that people are patriotic, whether by their moral convictions or by unconscious, animalistic instinct of territoriality, that is, a habituation to a locality which they defend. To them it doesn't matter how I call it, they just love their country. It's only that it matters to me when I write an article explaining the unconscious roots of it.

And now you see that you didn't have to be "sorry" for "ranting", because then I would also have to be sorry for my "ranting" here, LOL. You look cute with that cap, and sound cute, and now it doesn't matter if my compliment means something conscious or unconscious.

John Hansen from Queensland Australia on February 28, 2020:

I came, I read, I enjoyed. Interesting article my friend.

BRENDA ARLEDGE from Washington Court House on February 28, 2020:


Your work does say Unconsciously cheating...I guess it is a very thin line for some.

For a few I would imagine that it is just a way of life without thinking about it.

But as far as with women wanting to look nice, I think I want to look good mo matter where I am...unconsciously and consciously.

In my case...it's probably my unconscious mind trying to keep me feeling younger.

Sorry about my rant getting off the subject of your article.

Val Karas (author) from Canada on February 28, 2020:

Brenda -- What goes on in our conscious mind is mainly assembled by our belief system, our sense of morality, of what is "right" and wrong", plus whatever situations require us to do.

I was not writing about that. Of course, a woman may want to look attractive to her own man -- and that's conscious. On deeper, unconscious level, she wants to look attractive to every other man as well. That doesn't make her immoral -- because unconsciousness has nothing to do with morality. It would be like saying that her "liver was not being faithful".

From my title to the last words I was talking about things over which we have no control -- but do exist. We are rationalizing and sugarcoating so much in our nature -- but it's good to know what happens under the surface of all that.

It's good to bring that cheater to the open and say to every of its temptations: "I see what you are doing".

They say about courage: "It's not an absence of fear -- it's doing something despite fear". Likewise, being faithful to those we love is not being free of temptations, it's about recognizing both a temptation for what it is, and our love for what it is. Then we can even admire the object of temptation, like we would admire a piece of jewelry in the shop's window, with integrity in heart that separates temptation from love.

That way we live our truth.

Of course, "men should try to look attractive to their women as well" -- but now we are generalizing -- because some of them do, and some don't. And again, we are talking about something conscious, not unconscious.

BRENDA ARLEDGE from Washington Court House on February 28, 2020:


You have a few interesting thoughts here. Like I understand that a man is going to look...that is natural. However, acting on it is another deal.

Casual flirting I can handle, that's part of giving one another compliments in a way making someone's day a bit better, but crossing the line asking them on a date is quite different. Yes..i know you didnt go there in this article.

I do have one issue that I differ with you. A woman wearing makeup ( which I do not) or dressing to look nice showing off her figure ( which I do) would NOT stop just because she has found Mr. Right.

Unless of course, she doesn't mind if he wanders. I mean...come on...why can't we still care what we look like for our man.

Without trying to impress the other ones.

It would be nice if men took the time to be that considerate for women.

They just seem to think they have their woman so they stop trying...pretty much wearing whatever they feel comfortable in..be it sweat pants which show us nothing at all.

Men should put forth a little effort to dress nice and keep flirting with his own woman...ya know they do if they are talking with another lady.

Yes, my friend, it is probably true that we all do unconsciously cheat...but alot of it is totally conscious.

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