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This Isn’t A Pity Party

Katie doesn’t have any experience with this topic—that’s why she’s opening up to all of you in hopes of learning more!

this-isnt-a-pity-party

It’s been a while since I’ve jotted anything down. Life catches up to us one way or another. Good things have happened—I’ve gotten busy with work that I love doing, I’ve made new and great friends I love spending time with, I have really started focusing on gardening and starting a homesteading lifestyle, oh, and the big one, my husband and I are expecting our first child!

It‘s nice to look back over the past few months and count the blessings and…yeah, yeah, yeah. You know the cliche “blessed” stuff you are supposed to say when starting an article that’s ultimately going to lead down a different road. A road that I don’t intend to be a pity party, but it might come across that way.

In all actuality, I am blessed and thankful and grateful and a very lucky and privileged human. And as I’ve written before, sometimes I believe those words to a fault. I use it as an excuse to not accept when the crappy times hit. I brush off the obstacles and bury my feelings because “at the end of the day, I am blessed.”

But that’s not what this article is about. This article is about that constant “thing” that bugs you. Because even those who are blessed still have “things” they have to deal with. “Things” that tends to follow you; it tends to always be lurking, sometimes closely behind you and sometimes so far back that you think you’ve outrun it. You don’t bring attention to it because you’re afraid of feeding it’s energy. You joke about it with others to make light of the situation entirely. Maybe your “thing” is finance-related, maybe it’s addiction, maybe it’s buried trauma from your past.

Mine is physical. Back pain.

I write that and I worry your immediate response will be, “Well, that’s treatable.” And I wish you were right. And maybe you are right and I just haven’t found the solution. But as I get older and deal with symptoms of chronic back pain, it’s easy to start believing there is no way to treat it. It’s something that I’ve dealt with for as long as I can remember—mild pain when I was younger that has just gotten increasingly worse. Maybe part of the intensity is due to the fact my body is currently growing a human. I’ve done all the research and consulted my doctors. But still something deep down says it’s just the cards I was dealt. I will forever have back pain.

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I’m currently writing this article at 3am because the pain has now started to wake me up. (Although being awake at 3am now gives me quality time with my cat, Cybil, while the pups are still snoozing.) In conjunction with my beloved friend, anxiety, you can imagine where my mind starts to go. I’m terrified that I won’t be able to run and play with my child because some days walking is unbearable. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to dance and teach dance the way I used to because again, I can barely walk. I feel guilty that my husband has to help me do simple things like get up and down from the couch and I get pissed off because I’m an extremely independent person to begin with.

Instead of spiraling this morning, I thought I’d write it all down instead of keeping it locked up. Not that I expect this form of therapy, so to speak, to heal me. But I know plenty of people can relate and deal with their own “things” every day. And most of the times, we deal with them silently—which is probably the scariest and hardest part. We innately want to be strong, put-together, and capable beings. Showing weakness is engrained into us as a negative quality therefore people tend to struggle alone.

I’m not really trying to encourage you to deal with your ”thing” in a particular way, although it does need to be addressed.

Today, I’m actually just reminding myself not to give up. I saw a fancy little graphic yesterday that was accompanied by a bible verse about the power of persistent prayer. The graphic had the words, “Ask Him Again.”

Instead of placing blame and questioning, “Why me?” I realize that it’s more beneficial to show myself and teach myself persistence. I’m going to keep searching for second and third opinions on how to fix my back. I have to stay persistent because of all the reasons I mentioned before that I’m scared of losing. My kid will need to see me taking steps to be a healthier version of myself. My students need to see that, too. And if my husband refuses to give up on me, why should I?

My step-dad has been dealing with some pretty serious health issues for a few months now (well, actually quite a while but they‘ve gotten worse the past few months). He and my mom are in and out of doctor‘s offices almost weekly. But when I tell you that this man has the most unbelievable attitude about the whole thing, I‘m not exaggerating. I have watched him take breaks and rest when he needed and then take advantage of his “good days” every single second he can. I know he gets frustrated sometimes, but his ability to always look forward and keep fighting for better health is truly inspiring to me. I can say the exact same about my father-in-law who has completely turned his life around since being diagnosed with lung cancer. I’m extremely proud of both of them.

So, like I said, this really isn’t supposed to be a pity party. It’s supposed to be a reminder for all of us to, “Ask Him Again.” Whatever you‘re fighting for, against, or with — don’t give up. Persistence may not always give you the results or the answers that you necessarily want, but you owe it to yourself to try and find them.

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