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The Narcissist's New Relationship

The Little Shaman is a spiritual coach & specialist in cluster B personality disorders, with a popular YouTube show and clients worldwide.

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Lots of people wonder if, when the narcissist moves on to a new relationship or otherwise fixates on a new person, will they be happier? The short answer is no, they will not be. Pathologically narcissistic people are chronically unhappy and empty. A new relationship or a new environment or a new anything is not going to change that. Nothing will change it.

The narcissist may seem happier in this new relationship and perhaps they are. For now. But it won't last. Their new partner or friend will soon reveal themselves to be just a lowly human, same as everybody else and in doing so, they will betray the narcissist just as everyone else has. Every relationship is a bitter disappointment to these people because their expectations are totally unrealistic. They are expecting the other person to be perfect, and by association to make them perfect. When this doesn't happen, they feel bitterly double-crossed, let down and lied to.

Usually the new partner reveals themselves to be imperfect by either having a flaw, having needs or by noticing that the narcissist is not perfect. These things cannot be tolerated by the narcissist. The new partner has revealed themselves to be just another selfish human, and the narcissist is extremely bitter over this revelation. Punishment for this reveal is usually swift and lasts a very long time. Essentially, it never ends. The narcissist never gets over this initial "betrayal." For all intents and purposes, the relationship does not survive once the reveal happens. It may continue, but it will never go back to what it was ever again.

This is the script most narcissists will play out in every relationship they are in for the rest of their lives. This doesn't just include romantic ones, either. It is the way they behave in all relationships. In all relationships, the other person is expected to live for the narcissist. They are expected to do everything for the relationship and the narcissist while the narcissist does nothing, gives nothing, appreciates nothing. They are expected to be perfect at all times, to read the narcissist's mind and anticipate whatever needs the narcissist may have, to never have needs, wants, feelings or anything of their own and to never make a mistake. They are expected to carry all of the narcissist's emotional baggage, to be their punching bag, to sit on the shelf waiting to be played with like a baby doll and to never stop giving perfect, unconditional love. They can never be angry, tired, stressed, hurt, sick or human in any way. If someone cannot do all of these things and many more, the narcissist cannot be happy.

This is the key to the whole thing. Narcissists do not understand that their happiness and all their other emotions are their own responsibility. They place this responsibility on others and they are devastated and furious when people do not come through for them. They view it as a personal, purposeful betrayal. You could make them happy by just doing what they want but you won't so you are evil. You've shattered the fragile illusion and validated the narcissist's delusional belief that they are no good and deserve nothing, and for that you will be punished. Their new partner or friend is no different. No one is different, because the narcissist is no different.

A new partner makes no difference in the narcissist's world. They are the star and the other person is simply acting in a generic role that anyone could fill. It does not matter what these extras do or don't do. Narcissists continue to follow the script because this is the only thing they know. They enact the same scenes out in their life with multiple people filling the same role over and over and over again. The only thing that changes are the names. So don't feel bad that you couldn't fix the narcissist. You're probably not the only one who has tried. Don't envy the new partner, either. They are about to find out what you already know: the person they think they care about does not exist.