The Gastric Bypass Surgery and It's Psychological Effects
In today’s world, obesity is a huge issue with many Americans and people all around the world. It seems more and more people are becoming obese at all ages.
Obesity is very dangerous and deadly. Many people struggle with dieting and exercise being an effective way for them to lose weight. It seems as if it’s an everyday battle and the motivation for diet and exercise is just temporary for most people. After some people have an unsuccessful attempt after attempt to shed the pounds they resort to a weight loss surgery such as gastric bypass.
The gastric bypass surgery is performed on people who have morbid obesity. This procedure divides the stomach and rearranges the small intestine The surgery aims to reduce the size of the stomach through the new arrangement. As an effect of the surgery, the patients lose weight because they end up with “smaller” stomachs because of the operation. If you have a smaller stomach, you tend to get full easily and you also tend to eat less. This is why gastric bypass can help you lose weight easily.
There are variations of the procedure, first is the gastric bypass roux en-y proximal, roux en-y distal, and lastly loop gastric bypass which is also known as a mini bypass. Surgeons decide on what type of procedure to push through with patients. These patients very rarely gain weight again because of the procedure. Weight loss due to the gastric bypass occurs a lot quicker than most diets and exercises. This is primarily due to the smallness of the intestines that is easily filled when one eats.
Whenever someone is considering having the gastric bypass they should really look not only into the facts of the surgery itself, but also the possible problems with their body after the surgery. These problems include vomiting, clogging (food blockage), reactive hypoglycemia, constipation, gas, gallstones, hibernation syndrome, very serious emotional problems, and other body changes. While the doctors do touch on the risks of the surgery and these issues they do not go into great detail. Many people are so stuck the idea of losing the weight they are not concerned with focusing on or researching the issues and problems that the surgery can cause.
One serious side effect of the gastric bypass surgery that people often fail to consider is how the overwhelming changes will affect their marriage. Studies show that the divorce rate after weight loss surgery is extremely high. Undergoing surgery is just a first step. Over the next year or two, the dramatic weight loss has ramifications for every aspect of your life. And since it happens so quickly, it’s really easy to lose touch with reality. Imagine living in a funhouse for a year or so. All the mirrors are warped, so you have no way of knowing what you really, truly look like. You may even begin to lose sight of who you are. It’s as if a new person is emerging from beneath the layers of fat.
Meanwhile, as these changes are occurring, the world around you starts treating you differently with every pound you shed. Every relationship you have will change in some way simply because you are changing. You start being noticed by the opposite sex. Some people may even flirt with and hit on you. This new attention can be frightening, but it can also really turbocharge your ego. All of this change can be very difficult for your significant other. Not to mention that you probably bonded over food before, but now that option has been taken off the table.
So suddenly, your partner loses the old, comfortable spouse, and gains a new, confident, attractive and outgoing one. And just like the change is a mind-bender for you, it can be overwhelming for your spouse as well. Some gastric bypass patients get so excited and full of energy that they just can’t wait to get out and enjoy life. They want to go for walks, socialize, see and be seen. They want to get out and live. The last thing they want is to sit around and watch TV all evening. Unfortunately, that may be exactly what your spouse wants and he or she may feel real insecure about the idea of you going out alone.
However, the surgery itself is not always to blame in a divorce occurring afterwards. Being morbidly obese makes many people feel inferior and undeserving, so they often settle for less than what they truly deserve, thinking it’s the best they can do. Some people put up with abuse, infidelity, or just a bad marriage because the weight has killed their self esteem. They just don’t have the confidence to stand up for themselves and demand respect. Others blame problems on their weight, believing that once they are thin things will automatically change for the better. After gastric bypass surgery, the excess weight is no longer there to take the blame, and confidence and self esteem begin to rise. All of these things together can make many take a long, hard look at what may be an unhealthy marriage.
The studies conclude that weight loss surgery has a very high divorce rate. Experts say that few procedures can test a marriage like bariatric surgery because, for one or both spouses it signals that their old life is over. Often it may not be what one or the other signed-up for. They may miss the old life so much that they seek a new partner. The bottom line is that gastric bypass surgery will have a dramatic effect on your marriage. Just be prepared for a wild ride.
Gastric bypass surgery has an emotional, as well as a physiological, impact on the individual. Many who have undergone the bypass surgery suffer from depression in the following months. This is a result of a change in the role food plays in their emotional well-being. Strict limitations on the diet can place great emotional strain on the patient.
The surgery reduces one’s stomach by about ninety percent. Energy levels in the period following the surgery will be low. This is due again to the restriction of food intake, but negative change in emotional state will also have an impact here. It may take as long as three months for emotional levels to rebound. Muscular weakness in the months following surgery is common. This is caused by a number of factors, including a restriction on protein intake, a resulting loss in muscle mass and decline in energy levels.
The weakness may result in balance problems, difficulty climbing stairs or lifting heavy objects, and increased fatigue following simple physical tasks. Many of these issues will pass over time as food intake gradually increases. However, the first months following the surgery can be very difficult, an issue not often mentioned by physicians suggesting the surgery. The benefits and risks of this surgery are well established, but the psychological effects are not well understood and potential patients should ensure a strong support system before agreeing to the procedure.
Vitamins are normally contained in the foods we eat, as well as any supplements we may choose to take. The amount of food which will be eaten after gastric bypass surgery is severely reduced, and vitamin content is correspondingly reduced. Supplements should therefore be taken to completely cover the minimum daily requirements of all vitamins and minerals.
An anastomosis is a surgical connection between the stomach and bowel, or between two parts of the bowel. The surgeon attempts to create a water-tight connection by connecting the two organs with either staples or sutures, either of which actually makes a hole in the bowel wall. The surgeon will rely on the healing power of the body, and it’s ability to create a seal like a self-sealing tire, to succeed with the surgery. If that seal fails to form, for any reason, fluid from within the gastrointestinal tract can leak into the sterile abdominal cavity and give rise to infection and abscess formation. Leakage of an anastomosis does occur in about two percent of gastric bypass procedures, usually at the stomach-bowel connection. Sometimes leakage can be treated with antibiotics, and sometimes it will require immediate re-operation.
As the anastomosis heals, it forms scar tissue, which naturally tends to shrink or contract over time, making the opening smaller. This is called a “stricture.” Usually, the passage of food through an anastomosis will keep it stretched open, but if the inflammation and healing process outpaces the stretching process, scarring may make the opening so small that even liquids can no longer pass through it. Infection of the incisions or of the inside of the abdomen may occur due to release of bacteria from the bowel during the operation. Nosocomial iinfection, such as pneumonia, bladder or kidney infections, and sepsis are also possible.
A hernia is an abnormal opening, either within the abdomen, or through the abdominal wall muscles. An internal hernia may result from the surgery, and re-arrangement of the bowel, and is mainly significant as a cause of bowel obstruction. An incision hernia occurs when a surgical incision does not heal well. The muscles of the abdomen separate and allow protrusion of a sac-like membrane, which may contain bowel or other abdominal contents, and which can be painful and unsightly. The surgical procedure puts patients at risk for a hernia.
While researching the surgery I have found horror stories from all over which are related to or caused by the surgery. While the number one downfall was divorce, I also found many stories of stomach bleeding, death, hernias, serious infection, denial of identity, stress, depression, hemorrhage, nutritional deficiencies, ulcers, leakage, weight gain, too much weight loss, surgery reversal, as well as other complications. The surgery not only effected the patient who underwent the surgery but also those people around them.
While talking to Virginia Harrison of Gulf Breeze, FL, I had a prime example of someone who had to have the surgery reversed because of stomach bleeding. She decided at 512 pounds and after falling through the roof of her upstairs apartment to have the weight loss surgery. She has struggled her entire life with her weight and was warned my her doctor that if she didn’t do something soon her condition could be fatal. A little over one year and about ninety pounds later she started having problems. She dealt with the issues for about eight more months. After losing another fifty pounds the she was admitted into the hospital for testing and was rushed into emergency surgery for the reversal. She has managed to keep the weight she lost off but has not lost any excess. She wishes she had never had the surgery to begin with but is proud of herself for giving it a shot.
I have personally had several experiences with knowing people who have had a weight loss surgery. Of these the people who are closest to me are my mother, aunt, and grandmother.I was twelve years old whenever my mother had “the surgery.” She had gained a lot of weight after marrying and having kids. She had progressively became addicted to eating and to food. Whenever her insurance approved her for the surgery because of her morbid obesity she weighed in at about three hundred and thirty pounds. Her recommended weight was about one hundred and forty. Our entire family was excited for her. Her surgery was a success and for the three years she had minor and mostly common aside from being admitted into the hospital once. As my mother lost more and more weight it was like she was an entirely different person from the woman that I and the rest of my family had always known. This change caused my parents to divorce after nineteen years of marriage, which has split up my entire family. Even without seeing my mother just a conversation with her you can tell she is different. She has been admitted into the hospital several times for iron deficiency and blood transfusions. These admittances seem to be more and more usual as time passes. My entire family worries about her all of the time. We wonder what happened to the person she used to be. When talking to her she said that “I sometimes feel like I am walking around in someone else’s body.” She also said, “there have been times whenever I didn‘t recognize the person looking back at me whenever I looked in the mirror.” This is really a lot to take in. At the same time, we are all very glad she seems like a happier person and the surgery did lower her risks for some very serious issues such as heart disease or diabetes.
All in all this gastric bypass and other weight loss surgeries are a lot to consider. It’s not just “going under the knife.” It causes serious change for the patient and their families and these changes are very permanent. I feel like more research should be completed and I also feel that all of the research and all that is already known should be emphasized by doctors and surgeons whenever they have a potent ional patient who is considering the surgery. I also feel that a patient should be required to see a psychologistfollowing there surgery to help them cope with all of the changes that they are undergoing.
Me and mama after the surgery
kelli on December 14, 2015:
I can testify to everything that is being written in these comments. I had gadtric sleeve surgery 1.5 years ago and it has changed my ehole personality. It has thrown me into a very dark place. I was a very loving mother and partner vety devoted sister and daughter. I am still trying to be but it has definitely chnged me and I am so scared. I am not the same and it haunts me evetyday. I see ghosts of my self evetywhere and I miss the old me. I was so on top of things and now thst has all chnaged. I think of suicide almost every day. I am so ashamed and I feel so guilty. What have I done?
peaceseeker2015 on June 03, 2015:
This surgery has destroyed our entire family. Our daughter had bariatric surgery 2 years ago and has lost over 120 lbs. She is no longer the loving and beautiful daughter, wife and mother our whole family knew. She has completely estranged herself from the entire family and has some disturbing psychological/behavioral changes. Her personality has completely changed for the worse. I would NEVER recommend this kind of surgery to anyone. The doctors don't care what it does to a person's live and to their family. They care more about the money they make doing this surgery. Take care and I'm very sorry for all of you going through the aftermath of this insidious surgery.
Mnw on April 06, 2015:
I can relate to many things all you have gone through since my surgery in 2010. Yes there have been many success stories and happy outcomes but they are few and far in between. Both my husband and I had the surgery together with hopes to start a healthier life together but things went in a totally different direction. We both started partying more loving the way we were starting to look. The drinking was getting more and more frequent. I backed off quite a bit because I really wanted to start a family after all that was one of my main reasons for getting healthier. He started drinking more and more and smoking (which he never did). One night at a friends party I also found out he was doing lines with his buddies (some friends). Then the affairs started first him and then me. I was so hurt by his affair I turned to someone else for comfort. Knowing I still truly loved him and two wrongs don't make a right. I went through more serious health issues not long after the GBS (not related, heart issues). When I was laid up in the hospital recovering he barely came to see me. Working and drinking was his life. My depression hit it's all time low and I started cutting. Then we ended it and I attempted suicide in 2012. He is now a full blown alcoholic. I can't stand the person I've become. Meaner, nasty, extremely irritable, insomnia, the worst ever anxiety, sever depression, destroyed relationships. Needless to say if anyone asks me my thoughts on the surgery I don't recommend it but everyone who has asked has still gone through with it anyways. Already I'm seeing a friend who asked me about it struggle with major depression and
Drinking more by the day only four months out. I just hope everyone educates themselves before making this life altering decision. I wish I had :(
Xenith on January 27, 2015:
It's not the GBS that is causing all this, although it might be the trigger. After you have the surgery (I had mine 6 months ago), you can't deal with feelings by eating over them anymore. You have to find other solutions. Hence the woman who turned to alcohol and became an alcoholic. If you've been morbidly obese for a long time, you're used to being abused and not admired. It is a shock when people no longer excuse you from: dating, flirting, exercise or success because you are fat. Suddenly you have to step up to the plate and now you want to! I've been through this before and I'm ready for it this time. In my 20's I lost 75 pounds and became thin for the first time in my life and I experienced the disorientation of not recognizing myself in the mirror, mood swings, etc. Now, I am recognizing all those stages in my current life. I think I'm lucky that I don't expect being thin to transform me into Miss America. I'm also lucky that my husband of 13 years did the surgery a year before I did. I saw how those women were looking at my really good-looking guy and I decided that it was time for my surgery now. We're walking together, hand in hand, into our new life. For the spouses out there, my best advice is that when your spouse wants to go out dancing, go with them! When they want to go to the gym, go with them! When they want to do an activity they couldn't do before GO WITH THEM! Yes, your spouse has changed and if you want to keep them, work on that relationship! Take an interest! Get up off the couch! Maybe get active, diet or have the surgery yourself!
BevM on July 17, 2014:
I'm so glad for you, fred2. I'm not sure why they change...but it looks like many of them do.
fred2 on July 17, 2014:
I posted on here about 2 years ago, regarding my GF and how mean and selfish she is. She had GBS about 2 years before we met. I tried very hard to understand her but it was no use. The longer the relationship went on the worse she became. She was a miserable bitch and after about 3 years of trying to help her and being very paicient with her I gave up.
I found another wonderful woman on Craigslist about 11 months ago. She is amazing and caring and has NO behavior issues. We have never argued or fought since we met.....not once! We both are very happy with each other.
Point is....there is someone else out there for you if your
sig-other had gone mad after GBS. There ARE happy and sane people out there looking for YOU. Be brave and seek them out and you can be happy after all.
BevM on July 17, 2014:
I have an hypothesis regarding the bariatric operation results. I wonder if the ensuing starvation changes the patient's brain structure. I have a sister who had a very successful bariatric operation, but after a couple of years she became a different person. She didn't have this until she was in her fifties, and she was never flirtatious--and that's still not the problem. She seems to have become viciously vindictive. We used to do everything together--as a couple of divorced moms we were "comadres" in most things. Now we don't even speak. She seems to think that nothing is "fair." She has even come between myself and my children. She especially seems to delight in spreading lies--which she believes--to cause division among us. It's as though she wants my kids, my grand kids--and her own grandkids--to "like her best," and she'll do whatever she can do to disrupt everyone else's relationships to get this. Essentially, she has become toxic for everyone. I hope that some neurologist will work on this hypothesis someday because I'd like to know if it's just me, or has sister's brain been altered?
marie on July 04, 2014:
Is anyone there
GBSVictimUK on April 11, 2014:
I am yet another victim of a partner who got GBS. I am in the UK. Same story, my wife her surgery 2 years ago, initially i supported her medically and as the changes began to happen i was so happy for her.... But then slowly but surely the woman who was my wonderful wife disappeared with every pound, she became more and more secretive, self righteous, selfish and mentally eratic.... About a year ago she started drinking and now drinks half a litre of vodka per day.... She started going out more and flirting to the extreme.... 2 weeks ago, she snapped threw me out and admitted cheating on me with a guy (really ugly one) down the pub she had been flirting with for some time. She hasn't even shed a tear just silence. I think she has serious mental instabilities and just want to act like a teenager... Drink and pull ... The more attention the better.... So again, the result is 3 children aged 15, 10 and 9 left without a father and with a mother who just wants to go out and leave them....
MissesC on February 26, 2014:
To all of you who think this Gastric bypass surgery has caused your marital problems. It is NOT you - of course, unless you were a serious jerk & extremely selfish.
This is truly what I believe is & has been going on since GBS became so popular & so many drs ready & willing to perform the surgery, motivated by $$. But in my experience, there have not been any or enough knowledgeable drs prepared for the necessary long term after care, or even knowledgeable enough to know what to look for if complications arise 2 months to 10+ yrs post op. I had my RNY surgery in June 2003. I was/am married to my 2nd husband in Aug 1998. He is 19 yrs older than me, not very tall, and mostly bald on top. (Point being looks aren't important to me). I was 5'8, with an athletic build - at the time. Not thin, but not overweight either. I was previously in the Air Force for 6 yrs and had no serious self esteem issues. I've always been a little insecure but at the same time, quite confident. I did put on some weight with my 1st child, during my 1st marriage. Took some time, but I was able to lose the weight. My serious weight problem didn't come on till after my 2nd/current marriage of Aug 1998. My husband, being a lot older than me, had a lot more experience home cooking. I gladly allowed him to be the cook. Then our son came along in May 2001. Gradually, my weight increased to 265 & I opted for the surgery. Plus, the dr that performed it was bringing us in like a hurd of cattle. After a month, I had emergency surgery b/c scar tissue was blocking an artery. From then on, I started having problems. I had symptoms that over the years have gotten worse.
My husband had been married 4 times b4 me & he was always accusing me of cheating. Even had me followed a few times. I NEVER cheated on him! My self esteem started slowly diminishing as did my weight. At times, I felt like it was all his fault. Then I was put on Prozac, seemed to help for a while. THEN, in July 2005, I started abusing pain medication. I had NEVER in my life taken any kind of drug, had never even tried Marijuana - nor exhibited any kind of addictive behavior prior to this surgery. Anyway, I found this stuff on the Internet called Kratom. Kratom helped me to get off the pain meds. Then I couldn't get off Kratom. I went 4 help and was put on Freakin Suboxone to come off Kratom. I learned later that Suboxone is prescribed for 'harder drugs' - meth, heroine, etc. Now, I'm stuck/addicted to a monthly/highly controlled prescription that's 10 times harder to come off of all because this dr didn't have enough knowledge or care to research the chemical properties of Kratom. Other problems have surfaced during this time as well. I started complaining to my drs about my hands going numb, then my toes. Still couldn't get any straight answers from my docs other than being diagnosed with severe carpal tunnel syndrome. What about my toes being numb or the pain in my hip joint - all this pain keeps me from uninterrupted sleep. Too many symptoms for the dr and I am IGNORED & treated with disrespect. Was hospitalized a couple times with small bowel obstructions - one cleared up just b4 surgery was initiated. I have gradually lost more and more weight cuz I feel sick every time I eat.. I've told them this so many times. Each doctor just looks at me like I'm crazy or I'm treated like a drug addict because I take Suboxone. My mind does not think straight anymore. My husband also took on the mentality of the drs. Self esteem gets lower & lower every day with terrible depression. I desperately want to be the person I was b4 these problems started. B4 the surgery. My husband says he still loves me but I honestly feel dead inside. I'm no longer affectionate and I know my kids are suffering as much - which totally breaks what's left of my heart/emotions. There's more but too much to list. I feel deep in my heart all these mental & physical problems are due to micronutrient deficiencies, but trying to get a dr to run these in-depth tests is like - well, they always get offended with me. It's so extremely frustrating! My brain & body is so weak & deteriorating. My weight is now 129-134 & I'm 5'8 & I can't seem to get any real help. I've since lost my job of 16 yrs. One last thing: because of the micronutrient deficiency, I am also dopamine deficient. Drs always just give some sort of band-aid for my symptoms. So, my psych dr put me on Adderall to patch that up. Pain Mgmt dr put me on Neurontin for nerve pain and with all this comes the emotional problems and I haven't been able to sleep well AT ALL in a very long time. I have also developed this twitching thing that's progressively gotten worse over 3 years - especially when anxiety sets in. I feel extremely alone because my husband thinks all my problems are a result of addiction. My family, as well think that if I were to stop taking all these meds, I would return to my old self. Again, I never had any addictive behavior prior to this surgery. Not even with food. I do admit, I have become an addict. Can I ask you or anyone this question? With all that I've told you about the continuing health problems and my desperate plea for help over the years, only to be either ignored or 'labeled' by the very drs we have to trust and totally depend on with our life
- Would you not end up doing ur own research and self medicating when you realize there's not a single dr out there that cares or is knowledgeable enough with post Gastric bypass care? Long term complications about all this are just now showing up in the Medical Publications.
Well, here's the kicker for me & what has sent me spiraling down to an even deeper depression: My father in Florida recently passed and I had to drive down to be with my mother. Remember: Lack of sleep, taking Adderall, Suboxone, and Neurontin, having an anxiety and twitching problem (F.Y.I. twitching slowly started yrs b4 Adderall came in to the mix, as well as the continued weight loss). Anyway, on my way to FL, stopped and got a coffee from Starbucks, pulled in to a McDonald's parking lot approx 11:30 pm to put in the sugar & cream - 10 minutes later, I'm actually arrested for DUI. I have NEVER in my life been in any kind of trouble like this! Every time they made me blow in this device, it showed 0 (zero) every single time! But they still treated me like I was drunk. I don't drink! I had broken my Adderall in to little tiny pieces so I could take it more often due to lack of sleep. I kept all the tiny pieces wrapped up in an empty Suboxone wrapper because of my severe neuropathy, making it easier to grab one. Nope. They actually accused me of snorting Adderall! Gross! It was absolutely traumatic! I know all this and my actions/movements/etc has to do with some sort of micronutrient deficiency. I JUST KNOW IT DOES. And I don't know where to find help.
Mnw on January 24, 2014:
I wish I had came across this article before I and my now ex-husband both decided to have Gastric bypass. We had researched the surgery and learned the physical risks and benefits but certainly were not prepared for the mental and emotional changes. As you described getting attention and how people treat you different played a big part in our split. I wasn't coping well and became extremely depressed and didn't feel my husband was there for me or understanding so I found comfort elsewhere. I have many regrets!! I lost the love of my life and best friend. If I could turn back the clock I wouldn't do it again. After we split I became a train wreck because another common thing after gastric is developing new addictions. For those of us who once turned to food for comfort we start finding other means of comfort like drinking or drugs to make us feel good. I started drinking in excess which led to very destructive behavior. I would look in the mirror and not know the person looking back at me. I was on a bad road then I met my currant boyfriend. Things happened quick and I became a mom which is something I always wanted and I've since turned my life around. She truly is my life saving miracle. If anyone ever asks me about the surgery I tell them I wouldn't (unless it's a life or death situation) recommend it.
JRD on January 20, 2014:
I was so glad to find this posting! My wife had surgery 2 months ago, she does not want to be around me or our 3 children. You can tell from her yelling and nit picking when she gets home from work. She is making everyone around her miserable. I filed for divorce today, hopefully I can save my 2 girls and son from the misery she is putting us through daily. I was all for her getting the surgery, just wish I had known that it would affect her so negatively, and would be the cause for the end of our marriage. 10 years down the drain. Hope she is happy......
tk on January 04, 2014:
Well i had the surgery, and sometimes i do wounder what it would be like being with someone else, I know its.my emotions,.I really love my husband so I decided to go back to counseling.i been with my husband for 23 years, I have invested my life in my marriage and will do what ever it takes to keep it, with all that said why wont my husband believe me, i am the one that had surgey and he is always
Ad on December 23, 2013:
Agreed! I just had the RNY on 11/26/13! The surgery was a revision from a surgery that failed in 2003! My doctor has admitted it was improperly done, and said I had the hardest one he has had to do to date! Aside from flatlining twice, once during surgery, and a second time when I was rushed to the ICU for a 110 degree fever brought on by sepsis. I have done nothing but cry! I have barely been able to move, and I can't hold down much of anything! I have had to go to the hospital for fluids once already! I pray this surgery is worth half the trouble it's causing! I do see a psychologist as a rule, but haven't been due to the surgery and the holidays. This is no joke and anyone who thinks so is a moron! I have two kids, and I can't believe I almost never saw them again! Please please realize this is no joke! My first surgery I flatlined twice as well, I obviously have a guardian angel somewhere, realize there are very real consequencences that are far from the "Some discomfort" they quote you! I love my surgeon, he's a wonderful Dr, but I may not have done this again if I knew!
Judy on December 07, 2013:
I had GBP several years ago after realizing that being sick, and morbidly obese (300+) I was not the way I wanted to die. Any life style change, be it, becoming sober, losing weight, returning to school for advanced training, moving does put stress on people. If the family or spouse are ridged and unable to adapt, the person making the change must make a decision. To stay in a relationship and continue the unhealthy lifestyle or move on. In my case; No I did not leave my husband; No I did not have affairs. No I did not become depressed, or vain or any of the other negative characteristic's mentioned by you and the responders. The Operation saved my life. It helped me regain my self respect. I was able to make love to my husband with out hiding under the covers or in the dark. I was able to hike in Yosemite and ski in Squaw Valley, sit in an airplane without paying extra for a large seat, and canoe in Alaska. All with my family and wonderful supportive husband. I am sorry for people who blame an operation for the failure of their relationship, but maybe the weight loss just uncovered and brought to light the codependency issues that were long hidden under a pile of food and lbs. of fat.
Cor on November 23, 2013:
It's 10 years since my husband had his GBS and I am still incredibly furious with him! I am angry as I type. I was suddenly abruptly abandoned and thrown away like toilet paper and saturated with his excrement, flushed out of his life. He now lives common-law with a Troll Doll - a woman so physically repulsive, other people are aghast at his choice for a new partner when I am regarded as strikingly beautiful. To this day, men 20 years my junior still persue me with lavish complements. My husband clearly went insane or MORE STUPID than he originally was!
Captain Africs on May 24, 2013:
Here's a line I picked up from the TV series Boss by Mayor Tom Kane (Kelsey Grammer) i thought to be relevant in my situation - "its a neurotic state it diminishes one ability to judge and to make wise choices to hold affirm to established loyalties!" Although I see elements of psychosis as well. Well this is from a 3 day Psychology degree course!!
Captain Africa on May 24, 2013:
I thought I was alone going through this extremely difficult time. My wife underwent this surgery about 8 months ago and I can see that the writing is on the wall - I will be gone soon!
She hardly has anytime for me and our two lovely kids, always too busy. Since her recovery from the surgery she's been too busy for her family spare only her brand new friend who seems to be the only person who has prime time, at least that we know of since she's away most of the time.
When she's around she's not a pleasure to be with. Shouting at the and constantly being abrasive with me.
I supported for this surgery and looks like I have invited the devil into my family.
I've seen people getting a confidence boost and improved self esteem from positive changes in their lives, but this is in my case is confidence & ego on steroids.
The environment is not conducive for family and the kids are suffering from the ever constant yelling whenever she's around.
I think my time is up in this marriage and must prepare my exit, for my sake and my beautiful toddlers.
Let her go and be a horror to someone else when the infatuation dies over.
Leslie on March 26, 2013:
I just had GBS last week. my husband is also getting GBS, his date is contigent on how fast I heal so that we can take care of each other. we have been married 11 years together 6 years before that. I wondered if there are any other couples out there that have done this surgery together and if they were able to stay together afterwards. I feel that our love is strong enough and the only reason I did this surgery was in hopes of having a family together(polycystic ovary sysndrome) I have always been happy with who I am as a person and honestly I wanted the lap band so I could control my weight loss and still have a healthy pregnancy but my BMI was too high it was either the bypass or nothing. my husband although a big man is already so social and outgoing so I don't think the attention will bother him. just would love to hear some success stories instead of all these horror tales that make me want to rip open my still fresh insicions and undo this if it means keeping my marriage
MissLeona on February 16, 2013:
Please do yourself a favor people try another way to lose weight.
Arun on December 31, 2012:
My wife had Weight loss surgery 2 years ago. Now it is almost 2013. She wants a divorce.
Thanks a lot to GBS.
cappman on November 04, 2012:
I supported my wife getting the surgery, and then a year later her personality had completely changed and she divorced me with no reason given. If I'd known then what I know now, I may not have been so supportive.
fred on September 22, 2012:
Please help us understand when you say "I want to run far away".....from your husband?
What are these feelings of wanting to be away from him?
Can you explain them?
ItHappenedtoMe on September 21, 2012:
I had surgery one year ago in August. I went through extensive pre-surgery evaluations, classes, etc...nothing prepared me for the new me. It was frightening. The explanation of being in a fun-house with the mirrors and not recognizing yourself is SO true. I cried to my husband one night, I didn't recognize my hands!!! I have lost 110 pounds, exercise like a madwoman, physically feel amazing. But emotionally I am a wreck. I cry everyday, sometimes for hours sometimes minutes. My doctor knows, my therapist knows. I am SO unhappy. I love my body but hate my life. I do not know how to handle the looks, the comments, the attention. I am angry because where were they 110lbs ago? Some days I feel like I am going crazy, it is amazing how dependent I was on food. What a huge part of my life it played. I am not sure what is going to happen between my husband and I. Right now I want to run far far away....I am relieved that I am not alone in this. I just pray I make the right decision so not to hurt the people I love in my life, myself included..
Cheshirecat on August 31, 2012:
I had the surgery 15 years ago. I dropped from 400 lbs to 220 lbs. I went into the surgery ALREADY loving who I was, so when I lost weight, it didn't really change anything for me. I was already confident and had good self esteem. I did it for the "health benefits". I had sleep apnea, was on blood pressure meds, etc...; thankfully, I no longer have to deal with that stuff. (I was and still am single, so I cannot comment on the relationship side of things) I did not lose any friends or family members after surgery. So I must not have been any crazier than normal :)
However, I have three VERY close friends who all decided to get the surgery. One of them has become a recluse, another one has decided not to talk to me anymore, and the third is on her way to losing her mind! (She JUST got it) That is how I found this article. I was researching emotional side effects to GBS, and there isn't alot of info out there. Thank you all for your stories, I think more counselling post-op is needed.
Candace Kane on July 23, 2012:
Maybe these people should have done more research. I don't think GBS is just that simple. You have to be prepared to change.
tsnyder on July 08, 2012:
I had GBS 9 years ago in August. I am actually looking into writing about the adverse effects of GBS on both the recipients and their loved ones. While my life has been truly changed by the surgery, not all of the changes have been positive ones. Yes, I am down from 318 lbs. to 218 lbs. (I actually lost down to 199 lbs., and then had a baby, so the weight put on was "baby weight"), and it has been AMAZING to keep off 100 lbs. for the last 9 years. I have had several medical issues stemming directly from the GBS. These issues have ranged from permanent hair loss to needing months of iron infusions to needing hernia surgery. However, the psychological effects have been much more profound. I did, in fact, go through a period of time where I "lost my mind" and sought out the attention of other men, almost destroying my marriage. I became addicted to both alcohol and prescription pain pills in light of no longer being able to be addicted to food, almost destroying my relationship with my daughter. I blame no one or nothing for the pratfalls of my life, however, I truly believe that, had there been a stronger encouragement by my physician to seek out counseling both prior to and following the surgery, my life would have turned out very differently. If any one reading this is contemplating any type of bariatric surgery, I highly recommend joining and participating actively in a bariatric surgery support group to assist in keeping yourself grounded, helping to avoid issues similar to those faced by posters here. While I do not regret my decision to have the surgery, I do believe, whole-heartedly, that I did exchange the problems I faced as a morbidly obese woman for a new, different set of problems I now face as a thinner, less obese woman. I truly sympathize with those who have been negatively effected by this procedure. I can relate to SO many things discussed here. Just know that if you are able to stick by the people you love who have had the surgery, things will eventually change to a "new normal," and your lives together will move on, though it will be forever changed.
Stefan on July 08, 2012:
I have sympathy with all the husbands who have posted that their marriage was ruined, but I do want to say this...not ALL GBS patients are like that! I had GBS about a year ago and I have lost 115 lbs. I feel great and I do feel like I look the best I ever had...however I wouldn't dream of cheating on my husband of 8 years! He is the love of my life, my best friend and my lover! Even though the left over skin has put a strain on our marriage for him, I still strive to be the wife he needs me to be and always will. He sent me this article, which I found very informative but at the same time I think the comments about it have put a tiny fear in him concerning what we have went thru with my GBS. Not all women will cheat after GBS....
micktn on June 30, 2012:
2 years seems to be the time the mental awareness and the curriosity meets, where the opposite sex, like my wife really kicked in to where the family did not matter. The forums you read says insecureity from the men was too much for the women to bare. My insecruity started when we went down town for dinner and a bar with a live band in February. Her friend female was standing close to the front with me listening to the band, the base guitar player had big arms chest body buikder type, my wife and him kept up the smiling and eye contact, i had enough said i had to pee, he came down walked by her and put his hand on her and said hello, right there they had a moment. To me i could care less if he flirted, but she ate him up, right in front me. We had an argument as we left, she denied anything happened said i was insecure....lmao. now for the past year going to nasa in huston for teachers to work on class projects, last year i knew something was up so this year i had a PI watch, it was like she was never married, was real tight with a teacher that was a body builder, they snuck around the whole time. She lied as much as 30 times, txted me she was craving me her man.....fellows you cant change it, they snuck down to the pool afer hours, the only good thing is my PI got everything. She went from a person that was a good person to be around, then to a attention craving person( look at me) men did and she loved it. Now i gave her all the attention, worked 2 jobs backed her all the way, took over the mom duties while she worked out, yep its very sad.
Tdawn on June 12, 2012:
Has anyone ever thought that these people traded one addiction for another. I am having the surgery soon. However I'm also under going treatment with a psycologist. I know I'm addicted to eating/food. I'm trying to control my addiction. I pray I don't get as moody as everyone has described. With any addiction people have a DOC ( drug of choice ). The surgery is just a tool to fix the outside. It's a whole new ball game to fix the inside and to find any under lying issues within
Blonde woman on May 23, 2012:
I going to have GBS and I hope things don't change that much because I love my husband very much. i weigh 250 and have bad knees and doctors are thinking it will help knees and weight loss , I don't want to trade in my husband . he's the best one I had. The first one was a bastard and left me and are 2 little boys and not because of weight. pray and be happy people not stupid.
O on May 21, 2012:
Guys, sorry about all the relationship problems but this is a brilliant op that promotes a healthy and happy lifestyle for the particular individual
RandallW. on May 12, 2012:
I am a 49 year old male who had gastric bypass 4 years ago this month.My relationship with my wife and stepson has never been worse.I have been with them for 11 years but I am wondering if we will make it through the rest of this year.It does change everything! I have lost two jobs and have been arrested 2 times for DWI. It seems the surgen forgot to tell me that I would not be able to drink even half the alcohol that I use to without becoming highly intoxicated.I also had to file bankruptcy after 30 years of perfect credit.Due to the cost of the DWIs.
Everybody that loves me keeps asking what's wrong. I wish I had an answer for them.If I had it all to do over again I would never have the surgery.I truly think it was a choice I made that has ruined my life.
jessyinWI on April 23, 2012:
It seems that this is a place to tell your story. We here is mine.
I am 4 months post GBS, I am down 100 lbs since my journey began and yes it changes everything. I no longer feel i have to put up with being treated poorly. I don't have to be stuck in a marriage that I am unhappy in. I have a life again. I feel like me again. Why would anyone want to stay in a relationship that they aren't happy in?
The emotions are a wild ride but at the end of the day isn't life about finding happiness?
Donaldblake on April 19, 2012:
ChrisW1, you are right about addictions.i have known several people about gbs and it seems most people quit the food addiction to another type . A friend of mine told me he divorced after his wife got into drugs, then sex.. My ex wife(according to her 2nd divorced husband) developed a sexual addiction so bad she was traveling on the weekends to go have sex with men she met on the Internet.unfortunately most of these people change mentally to where they become a seriously different person . I wish you the best..the best thing is at least you know now than to spend years with someone only to see it hurt a lot of people..good luck
ChrisW1 on April 19, 2012:
Hello all. I am blown away by most of what I am reading about GBS. Had I only known more about the psychological effects the surgery has on a person, I never would have gotten into a relationship with a woman who underwent the surgery. She had already gone through the surgery a couple of years before the we began dating. I never had a concept of what it can do to someone until experiencing her and reading through all of this. I was falling madly in love with her. I never thought of her as anything more or less than the woman I thought was right for me. All was going well and good. I thought great. It seemed like the perfect connection. To my dismay we had spent the weekend together and the following Monday she calls and decides to break it off. Is it normal for women to be so emotionally detached? How could it be so easy to end things so suddenly? My mind has been spiraling ever since and I just can't quite understand it. In the end she simplified it by saying that I deserve better than her. What I noticed about her while dating and after entering a committed relationship is how she would immerse herself in a variety of things. Be it reading, cleaning the house, shopping, or a whole host of different things. Is it a common thing for a person that is addicted to food to begin trading these addictions for other things? Replacement in a sense. It turns out as fact that she went on a date the very day we broke up. Did she cheat or was she true until the moment she decided to accept another offer? I will never know. It pains me to think that this procedure does not address the real cause of the problem before, during, and after the surgery in order to really solve the problem. A healthy mind leads to a healthy body. Any thoughts or answers to what I have asked?
Magpie on April 16, 2012:
Wow. Stumbled across this thread while searching for answers for myself. I had GB 4 weeks ago, and since then.... I've been a miserable bitch. I'm mean to my husband, little things set me off, my kids drive me insane. I thought I was losing it. Hopefully it'll pass and I can keep everything in perspective, I don't want the surgery to affect my life negatively! I wanted to be closer and get out and do more things as a family!!
Donaldblake on April 16, 2012:
Gc, I am very sorry that you are going thru this mess. Since my divorce from my 1st wife, I would say that I have been asked approx. 50 times by friends, church family, and members of her own family about what happened to us/her. Just about EVERYTIME they would say that they knew someone who went thru virtually the same mess and how much that person changed. I pray that you are not headed for divorce, but the chances are high. I once worked at a hospital and I had a bariatric surgeon tell me that the divorce rate post GNP after 5 years Wes nearly 75% . Of course the divorce rate is around 50% anyway. Usually it will only get worse. They just change so much that their old life,or thinking, isn't the same to them. Absolutely do not let this make you feel like you are at fault. This is just what seems to happen. Not to everyone, but it seems that people under45/50 seem to change more than older people.please don't think I am against this surgery. My daughter needs this badly but I think she has seen what it did to her mother and it scares her. She is almost 17. You hang in there. It is a bumpy ride for sure especially that you have kids.keep writing here. It does help to know you are not alone
gc on April 15, 2012:
wow what a relief to hear other people are going through the same ordeal.i thought i was responsible for the changes taking place. even went to councilling to check. my children and family in turmoil at moment and i see no way of sorting the looming problems ahead. has anyboby come out the other side of this with family in tact or is divorce facing us.
Tom D 46 on April 12, 2012:
I have been looking for a group like you all for a long while.My wife lives in astate of denial.We been together 26 years and now she wants out. I knew the gastric bypass went to her head.WE are in the leagal proceding part now. I love this woman with all my heart.To bad for me and my kids she has become a narsisis behind this.living in a teenybober at 44 years old.hope she finds her happiness after destroying our family.
friendren on April 10, 2012:
My best friend had the GB surgury 7 weeks ago today. After about week 2 he started showing weirdly angry behavior, espcially towards me. We have had a few blowouts, which NEVER happens and we've known each other 14-ish years. We just had a long talk about things, because I am completely unwilling to let my bff go without a fight! Luckily he is intelligent enough to realize that he's being an a$$ and is trying to figure himself out.
As to the intmacy issues, I can't really help with that one, but as a woman who has been quite tubby and lost most of it, it does change your perspective on yourself. The flattery alone can really mess with an existing relationship. But if your partners are cheating; leaving; or whatever it is SOOO not your fault if you all were happy before. And they will come to regret their choices if they ever allow themselves to really be introspective about the whole thing.
But in all honesty can any of us know what it's like to go without food? We have been programmed since infancy to NEED to eat to survive. This changes a person on such a fundamental level that it's kind of crazy.
fred2 on April 02, 2012:
My girlfriend had surgery one year before I met her, and we have been dating about 2 years. She exhibits strange behavior at times, mood swings, possessiveness, etc.
Things have been getting worse. Now its almost weekly that she will pick on something I do (or don't do to her liking) and start a fight about it. All of the time it is a very silly thing, and she gets mad and cranky like a small child, and stays mad for a day or two. Very strange behavior to me. I have tried to reason with her, but once this mood hits, there is no reasoning. It's like she has a split personality. When things are good, we get along well, but the bad episodes come on out of nowhere. She will even pick all of my things at her place and tell me to come get my stuff. Then she get over it and it's like it never happened.
One example, we are riding in her car and it is cold. She always puts the heat on defrost. I was riding passenger, and had a bad cold. I turn the heat to the floor because my feet and legs are cold. She goes off on me, tells me to leave her car alone, don't touch my stuff, etc. I say my legs are cold, I need the heat down on the floor for a few minutes. NO. I turned it down and she turned it back a dozen times, but she finally let it alone, but now was mad I can tell the process is starting. After about 2 minutes, I turn it back to where she wants it. We stop for gas. I always pump her gas, but I am sick today. She asks if I am pumping it, I say no, do not feel like it today. She pumps it, then gets back in and proceeds to go back toward home. I say why are you going back, she says its because of my attitude she does not want to be with me now today. I say it is not my fault my legs are cold, and I am sick and don't want to pump the gas for once. No excuse for my bad attitude according to her. This seems so silly and childish to me! This is the 5th weekend in a row that she has gotten mad and wanted to be away from me, and all the other times it has been as silly.
My friend knows 3 women that have all had the surgery.
They do not know each other. My friend says all 3 women were happy cheerful people before surgery, but now all are mad and crabby all the time. I am confused and stressed. I want to get along with my GF but she is making it imposable. She does not ever think it is her, never says 'sorry'. Always is saying how selfish I am, etc.
I did not know her before the surgery so I don't know if she was this moody before. I think there is for sure something that changes in the brain and makes people different and maybe meaner after the surgery.
donald blake on March 17, 2012:
i just wanted to update my post from 10 months ago. there have been many changes, mostly for the better. last june i was invited by a woman from my church to go walking at a nearby arboretum, just as friends.i figured i could always use a good christian friend, especially since the friends i knew before my divorce basically distanced themselves away. to make a long story short, we fell in love with each other and as of yesterday we have been married 3 months..she is an amazing woman with a heart for God and a heart of gold. I have never in my life met anyone with such compassion,empathy, and a christian-like servants heart. i am so thankful for Gods mercy. I truly didn't believe that He would ever allow me to feel this way again about anyone ever again.I should have trusted in Him more than I did and that is one of the biggest lessons i learned, if not the most important one.On a humorous note, about three months into our relationship she told me she had the gastric bypass..i almost lost it,but she told me she had had it in the mid 1980's when it was almost a new surgery.she almost died from it a year after because she lost so much she couldn't stop, even getting to the point where her body was using her own marrow. to this day she has problems she believes resulted from the surgery. my wife had been a widow for 2 years and thanks to her husband left her some investments that has allowed us to buy a small house in cash..it was a foreclosed home so it will take time to fully get it in a good looking condition but we are happy and content with it. it is less than a half mile to my daughters school which makes it nice. i am happy for the first time in a long time. she enjoys the same hobbies as i do. fishing,camping,picnicking, weekend day trips, hiking. she has even promised to show me how to filet a fish. you cant beat that!!(lol). i have had no dealings with my ex-wife in a long time and that is a good thing. my son graduated last june and she couldn't even stick around to hug him after it was over. her oldest sister which was the one who disowned her years ago had the gastric bypass last year out of medical necessity and is looking a lot smaller but looks bad at the same time. she is a wonderful christian and person and i wish her the best. we still talk but i don't see her much. my ex brother in law is scheduled for march 27 for his gastric. i can only predict that his wife(my ex's other sister) will have it done a few weeks or months after he does..i see that look in her eyes as i saw it in my ex's..i will go on to say that my ex sister in law had to be admitted a week or so ago for several days for fainting spells..i believe it was a benefit of this surgery. it seems that everyone i know who has this surgery ends up in the hospital less than a year or sooner after the surgery.i just wanted to say that there is hope after your spouse leaves you after this surgery. just keep trusting in God, stay with your friends, and hardest of all-be patient. it seems to last forever..i know that there is a huge number of people who have been hurt by their loved one, but they will give an account to God one day for the people they have wronged. i believe this whole heartedly. we just have to keep on living the best we can..i wish that me and the kids didn't have to go thru this ordeal but we have survived and you all will too..it is heartbraking but it will pass in time.i never thought it would but if God can help me find a new life then he can do it to others.i pray for all of you who are having this surgery. i hope it goes wonderful and you live long, healthy lives.most of all be good to those people who have been there for you throughout your life.tjis surgery does change you, i just hope for the better..i pray for all the people who may have to go thru the bitterness of loss after..i pray that no one else has to lose their loved ones to this surgery..may you find happiness and health..or as my friend says 'live long and prosper".....God bless you all
Mr Kaju on March 10, 2012:
Hello my wife GBP too she had change in every way after her surgery drink working long hours and also started to lie to everyone , she started to dress sexy well about a year after her surgery she started to go out with her friends " that's what she said to me " once or two time a week for a few month and she I like to go with friend and have a few drinks then come home to me and make love " that's what she said to me " well the the going out with her friends turn into a weekend thing . I would see her 8:00 am Friday morning and she would come back home Sunday night 9:00pm is went on for six months until I ask her " so you like the single life....? " she said yea . I ask her for a divorce now have to start all over with my life at 51 ....... Thanks to the doctor at Kaiser for screwing up my life . Oh my wife had to grain weight so can get the surgery done
david heart on March 09, 2012:
so 3 years ago my childrens mother that ive been with for 7 years got GBS and 3 months ago she moved me out wile i was at work and moved her new 10 year younger boyfriend in on the same day ..... ive lost 40 lbs from the stress and now that im thinner im gunning to lose the rest of my weight and get down to 180 lbs i cryed my eyes out over her leaving me and she had someone to cuddle up to every night of my torture.... my 3 kids that don't understand what shes doing don't deserve to have a loose woman for a mother but when her new man leaves she will find another... i contacted dfs after my 9 yearold went to a mental hospital threatening suiside and they did absolutly nothing... when he was released they gave him back to his mother.... she since hasent let me see my kids and now she wont even let me talk to them on the phone.... if you read this article and you made it here.... im so sorry to all of you ... i thought that a large woman would be a faithful woman and that if i loved her she would be there for me thru thick and thin... i was mistaken but theres always hope for tomarrow i dident harm myself or anyone else ... ive learned to let go and now i kind of find it funny that she complains about the 7 years of our lives thats long over.... i give her no validation for what she did to me i don't make it easy on her and my kids miss me and talk about me all the time .... witch eats at her ..... we were poor for 7 years now that im free im starting my own business and im planning on making 6 figures this year .... cant wait to rub that in her face but it is what it is.... the lesson to be learned is large or small any woman can and will respond to atten. from others even when there large. but the smaller they get the worse it becomes because more men will notice.... in the end its the children that suffer the most... the warped consepts that foolish parents portray as they continue to provide poor life lessons in the eyes of the children they claim to love..... i have nothing left other than the love for my kids... but im not broken and i owe her new boyfriend so much he helped me escape from a woman that dident deserve me.... because no matter what she says im worth so much more than she ever imagined....
I will for me! on March 06, 2012:
I am going to get the gastric bypass soon, i hope i do good with it. i think i deserve to be more confident and feel good about myself.
Tertulia on February 27, 2012:
I not sure how I feel about
My husband's GBP.... We are both overweight and he had his surgery 3 months ago. Our marriage had suffer a lot do to the his weight for the most part we did had sex for over a year and now that he is loosing weight I hate that he always has energy and he wants to have sex and I don't because I feel fat and ugly. Sometimes I do which that he will find someone soon and leave. I know it sounds crazy but I don't like the new husband.
Christian Hubby on February 07, 2012:
Cindensed version of biblical marriage instructions:
Husbands, serve your wives as Jesus did. He lowered himself to washing feet, this was the lowest of positions at that time in the world, considered to be lower than animals, but it was done to show His love and service, without wanting praise for it. This means showing love at all times and trying to communicate it through every action you do, including verbally.
Wives, honor and obey your husbands as you would God. We obey God because we trust that He will never harm us. Know that your husband loves you and will never try to hurt you. O need to serve him without seeking praise too.
If both spouses commit to serving one another, it is very amazing the praise comes out in spades!!! My wife braggs about me all the time, and I do her, even when she reached 360 lbs. this does work, and so all of you know, I am not some winey guy that does nothing I am a US Marine Master Sergeant Infantryman of 18 years, I am 190 lbs and about 12% body fat, so I am what many people call "the man". My wife always tells me of girls flirting with me, but I don't see it. I don't want this to be about me though, please seek the Father and He will save your relationships, if you do not seek Him, please try His model for marriage.
In His service, as a loving husband.
Christian Hubby on February 07, 2012:
To all on here, I can understand what you are going through, as my ex did the same things to me, even thought she never had the surgery. My wife of 3 years just had the surgery and is 40 lbs lighter right now, thanks to the Father for that (health issues for her needing resolution). I want to thank you all for the insight on possible upcoming emotions she may run through, but also suggest that those of you on the verge of ending the gift that God gave you read the book of Ephesians in the bible. This is not me thumbing my bible at you, but it outlines the perfect example of ,arrive in perfect trust and support. Another key thing of note is that if you are reading this, and are in the early stages of the GBS, make sure you talk about these issues and concerns in order to avoid them. I know that this will receive many I'll comments, as I mention Jesus and the bible, but if you love your spouse and want to keep her, please try to read and implement this. For those unwilling to read it, here a
Is the condensed version.
pk on February 03, 2012:
I want the sleeve to get down to a reasonable weight AND to get the courage to leave my husband. I know I settled. I've known for a long time, but, I don't know how much longer I can take the verbal abuse. Yesterday he told me he feels like breaking my face so that my mouth has to be wired shut. So, I couldn't eat. He doesn't want to pay the 10% we would owe. He's always talking down to me.
He's never hit me. He only makes threats. For the first time in over 10 years I made my own (I usually just run off crying... I honestly hate conflict). He told me to "just leave the room". It was probably really dumb, but, I was so angry I told him, NO, I you're not telling me what to do and I that would kill him if he "broke my face".
My self-esteem is shot. I've tried all kinds of weight loss plans. Ugh... ironically, though, I don't know if I'm going to be approved, because I tried TOO HARD 5 years ago. I'm a "light-weight" in WLS terms. My 55 lbs loss put me just under a BMI of 35. I also fought a stall that lasted 11 months. I did all I could to hold on. My plan back then was, again, to leave the jerk when I hit goal. I got so depressed when I just stopped losing.
I hate this man in every single cell of my being. If I had not been a STHM for so long with such a huge gap in my resume I probably would have been gone a long time ago. I'm afraid I can't find a good job because of this, the economy, my body and constant sadness (I try to hide). (who'll hire a fat woman?)
Pablo16 on December 24, 2011:
Once again I thought I may be the only one who is going through this issue. I admit that I did have an affair many years ago and my wife found out after her surgery. We were working out our issues until the weight started to come off dramaticaly. She started to go out every weekend with her so call new friends and didn't try to work on the marriage. The change in her attitude was drastic, I could never get her to even go to the movies let alone go to the mailbox. Even her entire family sees the changes that has occurred with her. About 18 months after the surgery she had an emergency that that was related to the surgery that put her back in the hospital, of course I nursed her back to health but the only thing on her mind was going back to the club to be seen with her new body. She would never want to take a picture now she has all kinds of pictures on her facebook page and on dating sites. I could go on and on with the changes but like in the other comments they are all the same. If I could do it all over again I would discourage her from doing that surgery. To all those out there good luck and it may still hurt but life goes on....Peace!!!
huh? Really? on December 07, 2011:
I had GBS about six years ago. It has been the best thing I could have ever done for myself and my kids. I have lost over a 100 pds total and currently weight about 155pds at 5'8. I will admit that I had "body misconceptions" about what I really looked like for the longest time. I would frequently ask my husband to point our women that were about my size. I will also admit that I started to receive added and appreciated attention from other men. I still find it flattering and after some time I can definitely tell when someone is hitting on me, verse just being polite. I even have friends telling me when guys are checking me out. My general reaction is ...huh? really? Come on fellow GBS people and GBS bashers...There are millions of people that cheat, or that lose weight and feel more confident, in turn "trading up" (so they think). I for one am with the same guy that found me sexy heavy and finds me even more so now. I do have some nutritional issues and continue to fight the aging process (don't we and won't we all), but have no intentions of cheating on man because of my weight loss and new found form. I simply don't give him reasons to be jealous. Sure I've had numerous opportunities, but no one can give me "that look" from across a room, like my husband did, and continues to do. If you asked me today would I have the surgery again....Yes, in a New York minute.
I strongly urge you to consider all the consequences that could result from the surgery and share them with your spouse.
I think it's important to share all the "possible issues" with your spouse or significant other, so that if they have issues or see problems on the horizon they can address the problem. (You don't know, what you don't know). I also believe that if someone is going to cheat...they are going to cheat. You can't change free will.
Life is about choices, make the right ones!
donald blake on September 29, 2011:
i am so sorry about your predicament..my heart goes out to you in so many ways confused wife...i now i shouldn't say this but it will probably get worse, but i pray not..keep in touch with your friends, family, and most importantly, god..i don't feel sorry for the ones getting the surgery, but for the loved ones who get hurt in so many ways a few months later..if you need to talk let me know..god bless you
confusedwife on September 28, 2011:
My husband had GPS 4 mos ago and there is so much change happening. I thought he and I would have more in common and it turns out we have less in common. Our business relationship was stable with some disagreements but he knew I always had his back. He is changing and wants a bigger office to resolve our financial situations - to blow up the industry. I still remember in the hospital just watching his recuperate and taking care of my baby. I miss him a lot you know. I had know idea that now that person I live with and intimately in bed feels like a different person. I don't feel like I have intimacy with the husband I knew for the past 10 years. I thought it would all be better and he is different. I've been there for him in all stages of weight, taking him to emergency rooms when he was out of sorts and little nervous with changes in his life when we moved to another state. I told him he was always going to be ok holding his hand through everything. Now I am a complete mess, I can't stop crying and there is no one to hold my hand. I feel so all alone - I dont' know what to do and I can't talk to anyone about this.
rggrandmo on September 15, 2011:
My grand daughter had the surgery on Dec.31 2010. She has changed so much that I do not know her any more. She treats me, her husband and sister terrible.She does not want her husband anymore. She is acting exactly like all the other comments. I don,t know how this will end, but I have to pray a lot. God Bless all that are going through this terrible time. We are all victims.
Jorge E. Cortes on July 26, 2011:
Hi everybody. I too am now suffering the consequences of gastric bypass surgery. My wife of only two years of marriage wants a divorce from me. I loved her unconditionally, did so many things for her, her comfort and her well being and this is how she repays me. She cheated on me a couple of times and I forgave her but now she topped it all off by walking out on me in May of this year and I have not seen her since. Yet I'm still willing to forgive her again and take her back because I believe in for better or worse.
seaadrift on July 14, 2011:
everything i have read here is so true all we can do is try to support one another. dr. nye in pcola told me there was a high divorce rate.
flowerchild on July 07, 2011:
My story is about my daughter. Yes, she has changed too. She has had numerous medical problems and her addiction to food changed to booze and drugs. What makes the drugs a problem is that they are prescription drugs and I guess that makes it better. She treats her husband, daughter and parents awful. She has had a complete personality change and as all of you have said, I don't even know who she is any longer. She has stopped talking with her parents and she has taken our graddaughter away from us. She has replaced her daughter with a younger lady and does everything with this girl on a daily basis. I guess her husband is OK with the three some as he sticks around. I worry the most about her daughter, this is causing a lot o damage to her and to show her to treat people awful is so damaging to a teenager. All of this just to be skinny?????
donaldblake on April 21, 2011:
as a newbie, i apologize for the length of this letter..my life has been ruined by gastric bypass..here is my story..i was married from 91 til 2007..in sept of 2005 my wife had gbs..she weighed 360 on her surgery date.14 months later,and 150 pounds lighter, she, out of the blue, told me she was unhappy and wanted to go out and do other things..2 days later we put the house up for sale and started the dissolution process..she kicked me out of the beautiful house we had just purchased 10 months before(we lived in a dump of a house for 12 years). i moved in with my mother and still am residing there.the weekend b4 our divorce court date she moved out of our house which she was legally supposed to be making payments on..she moved into an apartment down the street from me. 7 weeks after our court date she was pregnant with the alcoholic neighbor..my kids got kicked out of their christian school because she hadn't paid the $7500 she owed them..she got pregnant in june, got married in august and it lasted for 2 years..i never met him but a couple weeks after their divorce he sent me a letter..i later talked to him several times..he wanted to let me know that she was into some bad things..she had gotten a sexual addiction and had gotten on a military "dating" site.she was getting 12-15 calls from men..i forgot to mention i have 2 kids who we share custody with and this was going on when they were with her.apparently she started taking pornographic pictures of herself,and exchanging them with men who were doing the same..she would later travel to meet these men.he sent me some of those pictures and e-mails that she had written to other people that she left my kids home and a 6 month old boy behind to meet these men..he also told me that she had committed adultery when we were married..i had a feeling so it was actually a relief..she was living with a man while still married to her 2nd husband..last aug she married a man she had met on the same site from new york..my kids told me he would fly in on the weekends with me and leave b4 they went back to her..my kids met him once for 30 minutes..she gave them a weeks notice that they were getting married(her 3rd in 3 years).they begged her not to, but she told them too bad..they were suspicious about why she was in such a hurry and they even begged her to hold it off for a while, but again she said no..we DO NOT speak to one another..she usually runs from me when she sees me, which is guilt, i guess..our house eventually went to a sheriffs sale and my credit has been destroyed..she has not paid any of the 7500 to the school, yet she makes around 60,000 plus she has ruined her 2nd husband's finances by sticking it to him with $10,000 a year child support which left him a pauper.now her 3rd husband probably has a military pension plus other money, since he has not worked since their marriage in aug......my wife was the most wonderful woman i had ever met..we are both christians.i sometimes doubt whether she was a born again christian at times, but that is between her and God. she was active in our church..sunday school teacher, christmas play program for the kids, choir, ensemble,quartet, nursery worker, and others..i was very proud of her..my family loved her from the beginning and loved her more than me, i think..lol.she was a wonderful mother, wife,friend and worker..she had a beautiful face, she glowed everytime she smiled..she had the sweetest personality and spirit than anyone i knew..i fell in love with her so easily..i didn't care that she was heavy..i was too..i weighed around 185 when we got married..i am only 5'7" so i had a dunlop..she did gain a lot but she had 2 kids. we had the usual problems in our marriage, but nothing bad, that i knew of..after the gbps she definitely changed..she couldn't pass up a mirror, always was fidgeting with her skirt or shirt..i just realized she was looking good to herself and went on..she started to distance herself from church, my family, and me..she is a completely changed woman now.her oldest sister disowned her 3 years ago and this was b4 all the info came out..she is not the person i knew..i realize that people who have this have more confidence, but that doesn't mean you have to live like the devil..she will run or drive away quickly when she runs into me,my family,and even some of her own family..it is very sad and disgusting..my life hasn't been the same..it will be 4 years next week..she is now on her 3rd marriage, a couple of shack-ups, the internet sex trips,and i think this latest marriage wont work either..for my kids sake, i hope she has sown all the wild oats and will settle down the rest of her life with him..i miss the woman i fell in love with, but i feel in my heart that she died the day of her gastric bypass..my kids have been torn, i have been torn, and she continues to do her thing..as a christian, i firmly believe that you reap what you sow, so i have had to leave my burdens with God..He knows best..i hope one day she will look back on her life, but she is not the same person since her weight loss..on the physical side, she looks good from a distance, but up close she looks pretty bad..her neckline looks sunken in..her hair lost that shine and fullness..i ran into her the other day at a grocery store and noticed that her legs are still pretty large which is a gene from her mothers side. gbp cant fix that type..she also had a huge amount of floppy skin..her bustline looked like 2 slinkys..they just sagged so bad.there was no fullness that she once had..to be honest, she was more sensual and pretty b4 the surgery than afterward..i think eventually they will find that some hormone gets changed and their mental faculties change..seriously, my wife was not the same after..what i don't like is that everyone is so anxious to get one, but while their life usually gets better, that person who stood by them gets their heart torn in pieces..but, it will only be used more than ever..i know i sound bitter, and i guess i am at times, it's just that 5 years ago i had a beautiful wife, my kids with me all the time, a pretty home(i never got to celebrate one thanksgiving or christmas in this home)..we had a good church(i still attend there)..everything seemed so good until the surgery..i hope that people will take this as a way of saying please take your time when you are thinking about having this..you don't think it will change you, but it will...i wouldn't wish what i have experienced on anybody else..may God bless you all.
MozaicHeart on April 12, 2011:
I am a female, 40, who had weight loss surgery 6 1/2 years ago (lost 250lbs). I've done significant research on the issues most of you listed above and I've returned to school to get my degree in social work in order to begin a program to address the concerns both the formerly obese, and their mates have in regard to the emotional and physical changes post surgery. I will gladly speak to anyone who has concerns and needs to chat or vent on this subject. I know sometimes it just helps to have someone listen, and I can certainly do that, or I can offer you some insight on living with this change and how to handle things going forward. My heart goes out to anyone who is having difficulty with weight related issues. There is SO much wrapped up in the drastic weight loss involved with this surgery, and the emotional toll it inflicts on all concerned. Feel free to email me at (mozaicheart at gmail dot com) and I will get back to you as quickly as possible. Hang in there! And T, I completely understand your situation "not going out of the house, etc". Email me. We will talk.
Love and peace to everyone.
kady on March 09, 2011:
i haven't read all the posts, but did read many. i have a different situation. I am a female who had GBS and I feel my husband changed the day of my surgery. I didn't qualify for GPS as i didn't weigh quite enough. I gained 122 lbs but only needed to lose 74. I was turned down by my surgeon and ins co 3 times. I was finally approved and had surgery. I have lost 93 lbs and am 13 lbs from goal weight for my height. I am 5'5 and shooting for 125 lbs. It has been one year this month for me. Yes there is the physical change, yet my husband met me at 135 lbs and enjoyed many slow dances with me one evening at that weight even though he was married himsself at that time for a decade. His marriage ended soon after when his wife lost a lot of weight from "herbal pills". she met someone new and said goodbye taking their 2 small children with her. he was devastated. later he dated me at 163 lbs and married me at 179. So weight has never been an issue for us. I maxed at 235. Our relationship was strong then, a decade ago as it was last year. we have been together for 18 years. then there was the surgery, which he said he was for. Now i look great, younger even, have a nice figure, on the busty side which he has always looked for in a partner. However, he quit touching me after the surgery. We went from a few times a week....his initiating to nothing for several months. And there is always an excuse. He didn't want to hurt me as I healed, the scars bothered him, maybe his meds changed his labido and finally he just didn't realy know. Now, after surgery i did not become a diva, I am a recluse who prefers to read or watch discovery. I am an educated woman who has always worked. I was thin in my twenties and an attractive lady then, so i was not surprised by the way i looked after losing weight. so there was not a personality change just a wardrobe change from necessity. I dress the same, I do wear jeans sometimes though...wouldn't before. they were uncomfotable before surgery. So here i sit wondering, what happened? I even got lucky and have very little hanging skin, less even than some girlfriends who had babies also and are thin. my breasts do sag, not too horribly, but i feel that may be the main reason for the lack of interest. Unsure how to proceed from here. I don't believe hubby is a chubby chaser and from what i know from him, i am now the woman of his dreams. i know he discussed my leaving him eventually, i think because of the first wife. Maybe he is subconsciously pulling away until that time. we have discussed all this. He said he still loves me and we do all of the other same things we did before. we have had relations, but i bought lingerie and had to initiate. A couple times this year he did want sex, but only a couple. i am just waiting it out. with the type of work he does i don't believe he could be seeing anyone else. has any other female experienced this? still hanging in there....when will he see i am not leaving him?
Itcanturnaround on February 22, 2011:
Don't give up guys. There is a root cause. Find it. It's not you. If the food can no longer cover the emotion then something else will. Start couple counciling asap after the surgery and be involved. Promise it will help
hbattjr44 on January 04, 2011:
This is only the beginning of the problems. My ex is now on the 3rd man since she dumped me after her operation. You sister will go date or meet a string of men before she finds herself. She is desperate for a man to love her as her new self. Nothing is more important to you sister right now than the attention that she is receiving from men. It is almost like a drug addiction. You need to also watch out for the beginning of a drinking problem also. I tried everything with my ex. See older post nothing worked she is hell bent on destroying herself and her job.
Sad Sister on January 04, 2011:
I swallow a lump in my throat and blink back tears as I write. I am the youngest of 3 girls in my family. The eldest of us got the GBS in Feb 2010. After getting better from the many complications that come immediately after the surgery, i.e. low potassium, vomiting, etc., my sister began shedding off the weight and feeling good. She's lost over 100 lbs so far. We were all really happy for her til the Fall season came upon us. To make a super long story very short - she has left her husband, is secretly seeing a new guy, has become obsessed with going out with her cousin and so-called friends from her past, mind you she has 4 kids at home ranging from 18 to 7 years of age who have problems of their own. The kids are suffering. My nephew recently said to me "she's always getting rid of us." My niece agreed and said "she's a mean mom now and she's always yelling at us." Granted her soon to be ex husband was abussive and she has a right to a violence free home but for her to constantly be leaving her 3 smaller kids with others so she can "go out" is inexcusable and deplorable. She's even been caught lying yet fails to see that she has a problem. My heart breaks for the kids, my parents are suffering and she has literally put a wall up between me and our other sister. Is this surgery really safe? Is she in a "better" place now that she has decreased her chances of other issues associated with being over weight that can safely be avoided if she'd exercise and stop eating McDonalds and subs? I think not! My heart and prayers go out to the people that have posted and lost their families and normal lives to this surgery. Good luck to all!
T on November 16, 2010:
If your here you have a problem and you are on one side or the other. I had weight loss surgery 7 years ago, went from 365 to 200 then 220 plus or minus 5 for the last five years. It changed my life, some things are good and some are not. Would I do it again, yes, but I did have to think about it.I realized some things about myself by reading these post. I also think I can help some and probably get help from others. I wish this was a group. I am going to post how i feel. Maybe it helps you, maybe it does not.
I am thin, I look pretty good (God that sounds awful), I am married, have been for over twenty two years. My wife is overweight, has been most of her life. I love her, she has helped me through this. I have one son who is my pride and joy.
As I got thinner I got noticed and girls flirted and it felt good. Did I flirt back, maybe a little at first. But i never cheated, never touched, never planned to meet or talk to anyone it was just all casual. You still choose to cheat or not. I chose Not! Its just that it was the first time I got the choice so I was faced with it. I hope that makes sense. I would say that all people who are good looking get that choice. Some choose to cheat and some do not. Weight loss surgery just puts the choice to all these people all at once and all at the same time. Its not that it makes them all cheat, its just that you are putting a group of people together and giving them all the chance at the same time. The good results will not get posted because they are not on here looking for anything. I hope that makes sense, I am certainly not a writer and it is hard to put my thoughts into words.
One thing I want to say about this is that weight loss surgery does not = cheating spouse all of the time. When one person post something like has happened here about cheating others seem to post the same story if they can relate. It makes it look worse than it is. Remember, most that are looking here have problems. The same would happen if I posted that I had the surgery and it made me hide from society(mine did, I don't know why). More people would post that if they could relate.
Now I need someone to help me. Here is what has happened since my successful weight loss surgery.
1) I got rid of all of my friends. My excuse was I quit drinking and I wanted to stay away from that life. Its just an excuse though, I don't know why I really did it.
2) I have now, 7 years later, turned in to a recluse. I stay in my house and I only want to be around my family. That is immediate family, my wife and son. I do not want to be around anyone else. I still work, I am a president of a successful business and I somehow keep it going. Being around my immediate employees is OK, but not anyone else. I can do it, I can be around people, I just don't want to.
What is wrong with me???????
hbattjr44 on October 11, 2010:
The person that you knew as your mother no longer exist at this time. I hate to say this the problem are just beginning at this time. She will go thru a string of men before she figures out what she has lost with your family. But after all the research that i have done it will take time before you mother figures out how bad she has messed up her life. She is trying to find herself a s skinny person and nothing else matter right now. She wil not take care of herself either and will have complication also.
Jocelyn on October 09, 2010:
Hey im Jocelyn I'm 14 my mom just had the GBS on December 26 of 2008 she has changed so much its crazy i have 2 little sisters and one big brother they all think the same thing she has been married to my dad for 16 years since august as i know of she would always have guys over and go out she cheated on my dad many times and accused of him cheating on her when he hasn't been my dad loved my mom for many years no matter what weight she was. It seems to me that every month she changes all i want is my old mom back its very hard for me to go though at this age. My mom is currently living with her new boyfriend(while still married to my dad)in California she took my only big brother with her and and my brother and i were sooo close. She never calls me its like she doesn't even remember me,my sisters nor my father even existence anymore. she clams that she is in love with her new boyfriend but to be honest i think shes in love with his money. As i here she goes shopping everyday but cant even send us money to help my dad and i with bills she left us. I cant imagine what u guys r going though but i bet its really hard im very sorry. My dad and i cry every night all we want is the old loving and caring mom back. I miss her terribly but really theres nothing i can do about it she has moved on in her new life and all i wish for is that she doesn't take my only brother away from me i miss him alot and i just want to see him again ): I hope every guy that goes though this finds love in their life again and happiness. Once again im very sorry !!
hbattjr44 on September 22, 2010:
Just posting a follow up on my ex-girlfriend, We are at 182 days apart now. Since we broke up she is now looking to start the third sexual relationship in the last 4 months. She is out looking for a new partner on a online dating site. She is so lost at this time and does not have a clue what she has done to herself. I still think and blame gastric bypass for all of this. I guess that she is trying to prove to herself that she is desirable to men. I would have supported her with anything that she wants to do to get healthy. But the world is cruel and I am feel that she is going to get her feeling hurt. Most men are not going understand about the weight loss and the results of the operation with the excess skin and skin folds. I never cared about the skin i still loved her and found her desirable. I loved her for her and would have did anything for her. It will be easy to hide dressed but not so much without being dressed. It scares me that she is going to continue to try throw herself at men to she prove to her own self that she is worthy and a good person. I would have done just about anything to fix us and support her. I really do feel sorry for her at this time.
Caryn on September 14, 2010:
WOW! I wish I had found this article a while ago. My divorce was just final the middle of July and did not realize the number of people that had similar stories to mine. When my ex and I got engaged he was around 220 lbs. Over a year and a half time, he got up to 420. He had the surgery to loose the weight after not having success with diet and exercise and a year later he decided that the bachelor life was more for him than the married family life with a wife and 5 year old daughter. Throughout our marriage, I had gained weight, primarily after having our daughter, but lost it all and then some from diet and exercise. (I was at 250 and now am at 160). He did put me through hell, primarily emotionally and for some reason I had a fairy tale in my head that someday he would realize how much I supported him and was there for him and would say thank you and things would get better. Needless to say, that never happened.
hbattjr44 on September 02, 2010:
Today is her birthday i wonder how depressed she is today. She has bouts with depression in the past. WE are no longer together her relationship the ex-boyfriend is toast and she is along. Not a good way to celebrate your birthday. I always made a big deal about her birthday. I am pretty sure in my heart that she knows how i feel about her. And i am pretty sure that she has plenty of regrets over the last 162 days. If she would just talk to me we could begin to work all of this out if she wanted, She could always count on me in the past. She still can now if she just let herself believe again. She wass have doubts abouts us and combined with the gastric bypass effects on self esteem etc. Sometimes the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. And she needs to see what she have in right in front of her. She had a person who loved her with all of his heart and would have moved the world for her. But she thought in her mind well now i am skinny i am going to get me another Doctor to be a partner. And we now know how that turned out for her. What do you think she is thinking M? Did you go through a period that you were trying to find your self after the operation when you lost the weight. Help me to understand what she is going through as to self esteem and how people react to you with the weight loss. She is not taking care of herself i can see that in the pictures of her from her vacation at the end of July.
hbattjr44 on September 01, 2010:
I just love her so much. Want to work thing out with her so bad it hurt. She is still trying to find herself and her birthday is tomorrow. I always made a big deal about her birthdays. But i can't call her or talk with her right now. I just she does not continue to make dad decisions. I would do anything to work this out with her and regain what we had for those 2 1/2 years.It been 161 days that we are apart today.
m on September 01, 2010:
hbattjr44 I hope every thing works out for you. just give it some time. ya, I think my husband just has to adjust to the idea that I will never be fat again. I just worry so much about him, us and every thing. I'm sure every thing will work out.
hbattjr44 on September 01, 2010:
We never had a fight in 2 1/2 years then i told her off. she was with the boyfriend when this happened. He pushed her to get a restraining order so at this time i can talk with her. I have ever said a mean thing to her at all ever until we had a horrible fight and I said some pretty mean things. I want to talk with her so bad it hurts. I hope that she is thinking about me to. I knew that this relationship with the boyfriend was not going to work. She knows that i still love her with every breath that i take. I just hope that she can see past the problems with the fight and try to work things out with me. Your husband is just trying to adjust. He knows that he loves you but he is trying to catch up with you. Just keep loving him and cherish what you have. I pray that my Annie starts to miss me and what we had together. Nothing can't be worked out. she always told me that i loved her like a love she never had before. And showed her what love could be like. I bet she misses that so much. I always supported her in everything in our like together.
m on August 31, 2010:
hbattjr44, maybe you could be the bigger person and give her a call. It might be a nice thing to do. :)
My husband is now becoming clingy. He wont leave me alone. I don't mind the extra attention and I do like it but its starting to bother me a bit. He never gave me this much attention before and I am starting to get a little worried. Im sure its nothing but, I hope it doesn't turn in to a possesition thing.
hbattjr44 on August 31, 2010:
I am not sure that she will ever call. But I pray that she does call. I feel that she is a mess right now with all of her feeling and failures and i don't think that she even knows what she wants right now. I bet that she is feeling pretty loss right now. I sure do miss her and she knows it. I just still don't understand why she put herself thru all of this. Does she understand what she did to herself and to us. I have some fault her but nothing that we could not work out. i would have gone to any counselor or would do what ever it would take to help us. I know there a couples that have been through bigger problems than this and made it.
m on August 30, 2010:
hbattjr44---- there is nothing you did wrong. Things happen for a reason some times we know why some times we don't they just happen. If she does phone you, don't be so egar to get started right were you left off, or she will do it to you time and time again. Thing will work out for the best, they always do.
hbattjr44 on August 30, 2010:
I have received word for a good source that she and her boyfriend have broken up. I don't wish her any bad luck but i said this was going to happen. I am just said that she had to destroy us to kind herself and I feel for her that she has had another relationship fail. Her ex-husband, me and now this one. The only adult relationships that she had had in her adult life. I do still miss her and still love her. Would talk with her in a second if she were to call me to work things out. I sure that she knows this in her heart. I am glad that you and your husband are now talking about your relationship.
m on August 27, 2010:
hbattjr44 well things are starting to work out a bit for us. My husband took some time off of work to spend more time with me so we can sit down and go over every thing. He was really upset. He feels like he is morning the death of my fat. He was so use to the idea that I was fat and it wasn't going to change. Now that it has changed he thinks every thing else is going to change and he didn't want me to get rid of him. He has issues with his mom's and dad's divorce. (it was never really explained to him what actually happened.) Now its having an effect on the way he feels about this whole weight loss thing. He struggles with the thought that others are going to find me attractive and not just him. He is scared that I will think that he isn't good enough and leave him to find some one else that has more money, better looking or better finatual status. Its been 18 years since I have been as small as I am now and he hasn't had time to adjust to all of it. ( I haven't had time to adjust to it either) I have now lost 80 pounds (so fast) This is all new to him too. I guess at times I have to see it from his point of view and not just mine. I wish annie would of done the same and put your feelings before her own and realized what you were going through too. This weight loss doesn't only effect the person loosing the weight it effects every one involved in the situation. I wish you all the best.
hbattjr44 on August 26, 2010:
Your hair is going to come back don't worry about that. You body is processing the change in the way it takes in what it needs. Yes Annie was having mood swings. Yes she was taking supplemnts for her hormones. We were not married yet but were engaged to be married this years. I thinks that she might be saying what has she done to her self with the new boyfriend but I thinks she is going to ride the wave until she fall flat on her face. She looks so bad since she left me. I really do feel sorry for her. I know some where in there she misses me. But will never tell me that. I have only saw her once since we broke up. and we have been apart for 146 days today. But i have seem pictures of her and that is were I am making the comparison from. M, I understood her to her core and she knows that. I would have help her in what ever she needed. Supported her so much in everything. And to have her just dump me for a loser just hurts me so much. At some point she will realize what she has thrown away. But allof this is so common with Gastric By-pass patients. They are so many couples and family have been broken up for no reason. And in most case the person who left with the Gastric bYpass has messed up thing so bad the spouse does not want them back. But in a lot of case also it the spouse who did not have the operation who act stupid also. I would still take her back even though she left me. What she does now is here own business. Since did not cheat on me while we were together. Sounds nuts but I still do love her that much and she knows it.
m on August 25, 2010:
hbattjr44- I am taking all my vitamins so it was hard for me to even understand why I was having so many mood swings. I went to get my hair done today cause I was really feeling down in the dumps. My hair dresser, who is pregnate and going through mood swings, suggested that I take a mineral supplement for my hair loss and for the mood swings I am having. Wow its unbelivable. I think it has helped with my mood swings its either that or the hair cut I got. Today I feel great. did your wife try supplments for her hormones? I do hope she realizes what she has lost in you. You seem like such an understanding person.
hbattjr44 on August 25, 2010:
I feel your pain too. Today is the 1 year date of Annie gastric-bypass. We were so happy before the operation and were happy after the operation till about the 8 month period. I understood what she was going through with all of the changes. I was there for her and wanted to be there for her. I was never negative or did not support her `100%. I was never jealous of her of weight loss just wanted her to be healthy and happy. She just changed in her mind so much. And had only been with 2 partner in her life her ex-husband and me. I think that she thought that she was missing something. Now that she was getting attention for other men etc. Now she is stuck in a bad relationship. She is trying to stuff a circle into a square hold this will never work. I do miss her so much. She will not get help does not think she has a problem. Was seeing a therapist prior to the operation but stop going about six month ago. i don't understand how she got past orginal screening has been depressed for years prior to meeting me. She had all the support in world from me. Could have not found a person that loved her more than me and still does. This other person is control freak and she is just letting it happen. She was never controlled by me once. loved her to much to disrespect her. Be sure that you are talking all of your viatiams this will cause problem if you are not.
hbattjr44 on August 25, 2010:
I feel your pain too. Today is the 1 year date of Annie gastric-bypass. We were so happy before the operation and were happy after the operation till about the 8 month period. I understood what she was going through with all of the changes. I was there for her and wanted to be there for her. I was never negative or did not support her `100%. I was never jealous of her of weight loss just wanted her to be healthy and happy. She just changed in her mind so much. And had only been with 2 partner in her life her ex-husband and me. I think that she thought that she was missing something. Now that she was getting attention for other men etc. Now she is stuck in a bad relationship. She is trying to stuff a circle into a square hold this will never work. I do miss her so much. She will not get help does not think she has a problem. Was seeing a therapist prior to the operation but stop going about six month ago. i don't understand how she got past orginal screening has been depressed for years prior to meeting me. She had all the support in world from me. Could have not found a person that loved her more than me and still does. This other person is control freak and she is just letting it happen. She was never controlled by me once. loved her to much to disrespect her.
m on August 24, 2010:
hbattjr44 - today is not such a good day. I am just so angry at every thing and every day problems are looking so big. I feel ansy and want to scream at the top of my lungs. No one understands!! I am so tired of doing for every one and doing nothing for me. I know my family is just doing what they have always done and let me handle every thing. However, today I just want them to do for them selfs and not expect me to do it all. I need a break too. My kids are not babbies my son is 18 and my daughter is 11 and my husband just thinks I am changing so much that now I am going to join some religious church when I was born pagan. (just because I said to him that I think he should quit smoking pot and spend more time with me then his 14 gutairs.) they don't understand that these issues did bother me before but I was so big I thought that if I told them how I felt that they would of just left me and I would be left all alone and no one would want to be around a fat girl. I don't even know why this mad feeling is even happening. this is a first for me. I loose 79 pounds and now every thing seems crazy. I try to think maybe I am having a chemical embalance concidering all the crap concumers put in to food and now I am eating less and more healthier meals. I am not hungery or trying not to eat if I am hugry I eat. I am thinking I might go to a psychologist to see if my mind is going over a situation I had in the passed about my weight or if its like a withdrawl thing. I am keeping a journal but I am so full of emotions I am writing page after page and becoming more mad and frustrated. At times I wish I could get away by myself but I am a fighter not a runaway. at least on here I can talk to others who have seen what my family is seing from me and maybe I can understand there side. I do wish the best for you. things have a strange way of working out. I hope they do for me too.
hbattjr44 on August 24, 2010:
I do heard what you are saying. I thinks that she has already starting to feel the pain on what she has thrown away. She never looked like she does now with me. I see so much pain and stress in pictures. We worked so well together. She had told me on plenty of occasion how much she appreciated how i supported her in all aspects of her life without question. I just truly enjoyed the time that we spent working together on project around the house or at her work. I just love her so much finding it hard to let this go. She knows how much I much i love her the last time that i saw her she got mad when i told her that i love her still. She started to tear up. I worry about her but there is nothing that i can due to help her. If she won't let me help her. I am glad that we are speaking because i would love to her your thought on what you are going through and what she might be going through.
M on August 24, 2010:
hbattjr44---- one day she will realize what she lost. what goes around comes around. I hope you find it in your heart to move on. its unhealthy holding on to this pain.
hbattjr44 on August 23, 2010:
She had lost over 130.00 pounds before she dumped me. She was up to 298.00 at time of operation.
hbattjr44 on August 23, 2010:
Also i forgot to say this. I don't even think that she is a ware for the problems that she has cause for herself. Just like your said in your post. The relationship that she is in now has been a addiction and she is going to ride the wave until she crashes to rock bottom. She threw herself the first person that said hi to her regardless of the problem that it was going to bring to her life and relationship with me. She never had one problem out of me with her job or friend. We did everything together. After she has gastric bypass i could feel her becoming more distant at about 8 month out. I would have done anything for her to help her with he weight loss and her maintaining her weight, Just loved her without limits or restrictions. She knew this from the first day that we were together. She aways said that she knew how much she was love and received comfort from knowing that.
hbattjr44 on August 23, 2010:
Thanks for sharing but my story is a little different. I never once faulted her for getting the Gastric by-pass never once put her down for being fat or skinny. I supported her in every aspect. I even went to Gastric bypass class so i could help her. Always told her she looked nice because she did. The gastric by=pass changed her so much. She pushed me away since march before she left me. She pursued her assistant boyfriend after she broke up with me. Then had him break with with his girlfriend now they are together. I supported her in her job her life at every step. She told me on more than one occasion that i love her like she has never been loved before. Showed her what true love was and she just through it all way for a relationship that has been nothing but trouble for her. I still love her with all my heart. I don't think that she realized how much i truly loved her. I really feel sorry for her at this time. i supported her through all of her health problems and she just kicked me to the curb. Regardless of all of the good time and love that we shared. She has no clue what she has done to herself her reputation and to us, and her work reputation. By i would still do anything for her at this point if she called me. We broke up 143 days ago and to me it like yesterday. It so funny everything the boyfriend represent is the same problem that she divorce her husband of 21 years for. We got together a year after she split from her ex-husband and were together for 2 1/2 years. Everything she wanted on how to be treated in a relationship she received from me. Once again she said that i showed her what love could be like. Said thank you and dumped me to the curb. Funny thing is i was a big person also. After we broke up i went from a 48 pants size to a 42 in 60 days. And are still losing weight. I think that she is gaining weight and she looks like hell at this time. But i would love and respect her at any weight. I just wanted her to be healthy and happy. When she saw me after we broke up after about 60 days i could see a reaction in her eyes to my weight loss. I just love and miss her so much it hurts
m on August 23, 2010:
I didn't know I was even going through any psychological and emotional issues but Now I do. I am married to a beautiful guy. 6f3 blond hair green eyes slim looks a little like a rock star even plays every musical insterment you can think of. we met when we were in our teenage years. I was thin back then but after having 2 children and dealing with fibromyalgia I got really big. I went from 155 at 17 to 270 and I am in my late thirdys. I got the lap band operation. I got it for many reasons: - I was tired of other women hitting on my hsuband, and saying "what does he see in her? she is such a fat ass" - nothing fit and I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. -people treated me diffrently. -I was having lots and lots of health concerns - my work was going to fire me from all the sick time I took. The list goes on and on. the surgery was 7 months ago. to perpare for surgery I quit drinking. I lost a whole bunch of friends even my best friend. I quit using recrational drugs(pot)I lost even more friends the only one I had left in my life was my husband.(who kept on saying I hope you don't change me or get rid of me like you did your friends) I had the surgery. I thought every thing was fine. I started loving the way my body looked. I have lost 79 pounds so far and look outstanding. I started getting treated like a person. I felt happy and health and realized I was pretty depressed before. I even had men opened doors for me (which my husband hated) he got so jelous of it all, I tried to tell him thats the way I felt with all the women hiting on him right in front of me. I took my husband to vegas to say thanks for beening there for me. He hated vegas. (I got more attention there. then he did)I felt bad I even took him there. I felt I wasted my time and money. When we got back a few of our friends came over. so, I thought they really want to be my friends (my husband asked them over, told them I was having problems) we started drinking I didn't have much to eat that day and things got way out of hand. I emailed an ex not realizing what I was doing. I told my husband the next day, (cause I am very honest) and that is when he said I have changed. I didn't even know. He said I am becoming very attention seeking and I don't do any thing the way I use too. I look at it as a good change no drugs, no drinking, following a bills budget no over spending,becoming healthy and wanting to do every thing and have new exprinces. Now I am told that no one likes me any more and forget about making any new friends cause my husband doent want to be around anyone that isn't like him and he is scared I'm going to leave him. I love my husband and I don't understand why every one thinks I have changed. It makes me feel like every one around me has changed and I have stayed the same. I have only changed the bad things about my self. every time I buy a new out fit my husband doesn't like it and thinks I should wear my baggy clothes so others don't look at me. I have erased all the email contacts I have so I don't email any one. (my husband is becoming possisive and reads over my shoulder) I am trying to do what my husband wants but I feel really sad and emotional. I don't know were our marriage is going. we have been married 13 years and been together for twenty. He said as long as I don't talk to any guys, hit on guys, start becoming religious, or try to change him he is fine with the weight loss thing. but, he said he is really getting sick of it and thinks I am starving my self. when I asked him if he would like to go to a psychologist with me he said he doesn't have the problem and he doesn't want to talk to other people. He is now picking holes in every thing I say and trying to get in to argements with me. I ask him if he liked me when I was big and unhealthy he says no but I know he really misses the fat girl. this is so hard to deal with. pls think of what your girl friend or partner is going through. this is really hard on them too and emotions they didn't even know they had or issues they had in the past may come back to kick them and bring them down. they are going through ALOT!!!!! pls remember that.
hbattjr44 on August 12, 2010:
Just Me, What you said makes sense. She has had other addictions that she has overcome in the past. But not with drugs or booze. I still love her and would do anything for her. I have tried to understand all of this. I was there for her when she was large and when she was 298 and there when she was 195 when she left me. I was there when she was bent over the trash can throwing up. Why the spouse treats the person that love them the most the way they do hurts so much. I would never have treated her this way ever. I was a larger person also at 319 pounds, i am now 280 and have lost quite a bit of weight and 6 pants sizes. She has destroyed herself at work by making bad decisions at work. And in her personal life with the new boyfriend. She has turned him into the new addiction. And it has brought her nothing but grief and trouble at work. I just don't understand how a person could throw away a good relationship for a bad one. I would still be a supportive of her in her quest to stay skinny and would do everything to support her for the rest of my life. I continue to loose weight have joined a gym and will become a skinny person also. I would have not been an enabler for her to eat what she was not allowed to eat. If anything i was on top of the gastric bypass and wanted to learn every thing that i could to support her and be a good partner to her. I just love her.
Just me on August 11, 2010:
So sad for the losses, but I have to share with you all my opinion. Doctors look at obesity as a disease just like drug addiction, alcohilism etc...When you over come your additions, you change, you have to change so that you don't slip into old bad habits. I truly feel even though you are a spouse , boy,girl friend you were there with your partner when they were obese and you are the constent reminder of that old supressive fat person your partner once was. In a way by you being suportive of your partner being obese, your now thin partner sub conciously looks at it in a negitive way. By no means is this your fault, but you must let the recovering addict live their life even if it is without you.
hbattjr44 on August 05, 2010:
I understand how you are feeling. I have had 115 day to try to understand all of this. When she left like I said about it was like a addiction and still is to here. She does not see the damage that it has cause on her job and all the damage that she has caused to herself. She is not the person that i knew 3 month ago when we were still together. She would have never made decisions that she is making right now 3 month ago. I love her with all of my heart wants so bad to work things out with her. But she no longer wants me. Grass was no so greener on the other side of the fence. She has tried to turn the new boyfriend into me. With all of the things that i did with her. I must still be crazy but i am so in love with her.
kiel on August 03, 2010:
My wife changed,after 9 years of marriage .got with a loser boyfreind.and she don't think nothing od it
kiel on August 03, 2010:
My wife changed,after 9 years of marriage .got with a loser boyfreind.and she don't think nothing od it
hbattjr44 on July 31, 2010:
I understand what your are saying. Bit not case here. I supported her though everything that she had from gastric by-pass through 2 cancer scares etc. She has lost her mind since gastric bypass. She destroyed her destroyed her job by making poor decisions. She started a relationship with a person that for 2 weeks after were who happened to be her assissant at work boyfriend. And she has to see this person every day at work knowing she destroyed there relationship. Throw away the time we had together without a second thought. I predicted that this was going to happen when split. It is like she is on a checklist to destroy herself and all faith that people had in her at her job. She stopped going to her therapist months before we broke up. I don't know her any longer she has changed into a person that i don't know. She has turned this new relationship into a addiction. She cannot she the danger that she is facing at this time. Everything that was important to us in a relationship is no longer important to her. I want to help her but can't she has to find all of this out herself. What she has done is thrown herself at the first person who said hi to her. Bad news about that it was her assistant boyfriend and she has mad such a ass out of herself. And has tried to turn him into me at her job. And at every turn she get door slammed in her face. We had a good relationship with some problems but i never embarrassed her at her job or as far as that goes ever had a fight with her once. We talked about everything. But she did not talk with me about any of this. Just said I want to breakup. I supported her in everything that she has done since the first day that we were together. I still love her with all of my heart. Even though she has moved on to another man i hold her dear in my heart. I don't thinks she has a chance yet to understand the damage that she has caused to herself and others over the last 4 month. But i do love her so much. By the way the person above that commented "Marina" you don't have a clue about this. I have supported her through all of this and are so happy for her due to the weight loss. But you have no clue the mental damage that happens here. You will experience this also and will have no clue that is happening to you either. That the problem in nutshell. They try to bring this up before operation but not covered enough. Any was the sweetest person that i know. She looks like warmed over death right now because of stress not eating right and stress of the affair that she started. But i again i can't help here. She did say before we broke up that she might be making the biggest mistake of her life. At this point i think she was right. I was her biggest cheerleader for her. At home at work and in anything that she did in life. They absolutely cannot not see the
emotional changes in themselves.
marina on July 30, 2010:
Ok I'm coming from the other side of this going to have gbs starting my six month supervised diet for insurance. I'm thinking bout the things I can do like go on motorcycle rides w my husband again. Being able to buy lingerie I love and dress up and feel more ggiving participate more in our day to day.
Thinking bout having sexual freedom with my husband. But then again its my 3rd marriage been together for 14 years. He put up w all of my shit up to now. Amazing
For me been molested as a child and trust issues I thank my stars for him. Beautiful man. Were not getting any younger so for me gbs is a tool not the be aall end all
People need to bust their ass to lose all that weight follow strict rules so they don't throw up or shit all over themselves.
I am sorry bout all the posts of failed marriages on here maybe your wives had never been through counseling cuz everybody got baggage right.
Mothers don't stop loving their kids to run off with the milkman or the guy that winked at the grocery store.
And if they do cuz they got their groove back. And you are a casualty of divorce just take a moment sit down and remember when you may have developed selective hearing.
Best wishes to the people who get gbs its full of changes all the way around.
But if your able to look at yourself in a mirror again past just the quick glance. Sit on an airplane without dreading it. Run with your kids and grand kids. Get out of the house without fear of ridicule. See your family without them worrying bout your weight. You go on you enjoy your body or even time where your weight isn't in most of your thoughts. Keep smiling and remember ultimately its your life your body your decision.
Don on July 22, 2010:
It's your wildest nightmare come true. You love your
wife too much to say no - but you know it will ruin
your marriage. They absolutely cannot not see the
emotional changes in themselves. It the modern day
version of the Body Snatchers. One day you wake up and
you don't even know the person next to you. No emotion
at all concerning divorce.
hbattjr44 on July 19, 2010:
The latest update on my ex is this. She continues to destroy herself at her job. Continues to try to fill void of the love an respect and partnership that she had with me with the new boyfriend and her life is crumbling down all around her at this point. At every turn she is having problems with him and her job. Her job has lost trust in her and her problems and lack of judgment and responsibility. He life is not real fun right now. I would still do anything to get back together.I do still love her and all problems I would overlook and forgive what ever she has done over the last 3 month and work things out with her. But she has to want that and i don't think that she is there or every will be. The gastric bypass surgery has changed her so much mentally. i am not sure if she knows who she is any longer. She was a person that was so squared away now is nothing life that any longer. And she does not even see that happening to her at all. It is like the boyfriend is an addiction and no matter what the cost she has to get the fix. I do love her but i also feel sorry for her. I am moving on with my life and i can only pray for her to get help. I can she her falling into a destructive depression at some point with all of this.
hbattjr44 on June 29, 2010:
This will be an update on my ex girlfriend. She has moved on to the new boyfriend as i stated about in earlier post. Latched on to the first person that showed her attention as i predicted earlier. This person has already gotten her in trouble at work and has cause problem for her already. I never caused her one problem when we were together. I agree i don't think that my ex girlfriend is the same person mentally. She would not have made bad decisions before the operation. She was the most square away person that i ever meet. Now is like she just does not care about anything at all. Or about what people think about her. She made it a big deal to flaunt the new boyfriend in face. I would have loved her forever. Like i said in earlier post this is all about sex and power at this point. She claims that she is happy but when i saw her she does not look like a happy person. I can see in her eyes regret and pain. I think in my heart that she has gotten herself into a mess and will trying anything to make it work to prove a point. I am not saying that our relationship was perfect when we were together but we never had a fight in whole time that we were together at all. And there was nothen we could not have fixed. But she felt that the grass was greener on the other side of fence. I can only wish for her that she is happy with her new life. And i can love her from afar. But i have predicted everything so far that she has done. I can see her in the future crashing and burning. From what i have read about gastric bypass after effects this is pretty common to thrown away partner, husband etc that love you for no reason other than they feel like they are missing something. And feel that have this new power because they are now skinny and pretty I have no idea how to get through to her any longer. It is like a person that i don't even know any longer. It is so said because i would have loved her at any weight forever. I also hate Gastric Bypass operation with every breath that i take for what it did to to us and our like together.
rob1202 on June 19, 2010:
Thanks hbattjr44, I am working on weaning her off the meds and taking her back to the doctor next week. I'm trying to get her to do some normal tasks daily so she feels better, but she needs to talk to a trained psycologist next. Regarding your situation, have you moved on yet? Sounds like she has, so you probably should too. You never know, she may come back to you down the road sometime and then the choice would be yours not hers. Be happy yourself first.