The Little Shaman is a spiritual coach & specialist in cluster B personality disorders, with a popular YouTube show and clients worldwide.
The Grey Rock Method. What is it? What is it not? This is something a lot of people are often confused about. You are locked in a battle for mastery over your emotions and a very effective strategy in battle is to take the enemy's weapons away from them. If others weaponize your emotional reactions against you, gaining control over these things removes their access to that.
First, let's talk about what Grey Rock isn't. When people hear about the Grey Rock Method, they often form a lot of misconceptions about what it is and how it works. The Grey Rock Method is the art of not reacting to the provocations of a narcissist or other toxic person. It is called The Grey Rock Method because you can envision how a grey rock would react to help you understand. This is helpful because a grey rock wouldn't react, and that's the point. The Grey Rock Method assumes that you have already asserted to the toxic person multiple times that their behavior is inappropriate or intolerable, and that they do not care. It further assumes that you are interacting with this person on a very limited basis only because you absolutely must. It is in fact predicated on these things. So with that in mind, let's first cover what Grey Rock isn't.
1. The Grey Rock Method is not about repressing your emotions.
This is probably the #1 misconception about The Grey Rock Method. When you use this method during interactions with narcissists and other toxic people, it requires you to control your reactions to their provocations. This can feel like repressing emotions until you learn how to stop reacting to them in the moment. But you are not repressing your emotions, you are controlling your reactions to your emotions. You can feel, experience and process an emotion authentically without allowing yourself to engage in unhealthy or unhelpful behavior because of it. Emotions can be experienced without being acted upon. You can feel anger without yelling. You can feel happy without dancing. You can feel hurt without lashing out. You can feel pride without bragging. You can experience emotions without acting on them in unhealthy ways, and taking the bait from narcissists is unhealthy. It causes a huge amount of stress, emotional upset that often turns into physical symptoms and it causes you to feed into the situation. Controlling your reactions stops this from happening because it teaches you how to manage your emotions.
The Grey Rock Method shouldn't stop you from feeling emotions, but often people don't know how to feel an emotion without reacting to it; they may not even realize this can be done, and so because the emotion is so uncomfortable, they focus on trying to ignore or avoid the emotion instead of focusing on trying to control their reaction to it. This is what results in repression. Be sure you are still processing the emotions. If you need to express anger in a healthy way, for example, there are many ways to do this that don't involve pointlessly battling with a toxic adult toddler. Find the things that work for you.
2. The Grey Rock Method is not ghosting, stonewalling, the silent treatment, etc.
The Grey Rock Method is not ignoring someone or refusing to answer them. It is not simply disappearing and never speaking to them again. The Grey Rock Method is a way of interacting with another person where you do not let allow reactions to your emotions to take over. There is nothing abusive or toxic about that and it should not be confused with things like stonewalling, ghosting, the silent treatment or things of that nature because not only is the motivation behind these things not the same, they don't look the same. The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive punishment because someone has not done what is wanted of them, or a manipulation designed to force people to do it. It is someone treating the other person as if they don't exist. The Grey Rock Method is designed to be used during required interactions with somebody, so already by default this is different. You can respond to someone without reacting. That is the point of Grey Rock.
3. The Grey Rock Method is not designed to control the behavior of other people.
Probably the #1 complaint people make about Grey Rock is that it doesn't control the toxic person's behavior. That's right, it won't. If you are using The Grey Rock Method to manipulate or control another person, this is the exact opposite purpose of it and it will not work. Over time, the narcissist may decide that they are not getting the supply they would like from the relationship and move on, but if this happens - and it may - it is a lucky side-effect; it is not the purpose of learning to control your reactions. You are not in control of another person's behavior or choices and can do nothing about these things at all. Nothing will control someone's behavior except them making a choice to control it. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do. You are not God and you don't have a godlike power to control other people. It's time to let go of this belief (if you are holding it) and look at what you can control. You can control your reactions to your emotions. You can control what you do and what you say. The Grey Rock Method is about focusing on that instead of focusing on trying to control the other person, because trying to control other people doesn't work. Sometimes people feel helpless or anxious when hearing that, but it's only because the perspective about this hasn't shifted yet. It will, and when it does, you will find that you can't control other people and you don't need to, anyway. Controlling yourself, your reactions and your space is all you really need to be able to do to bring peace to your life.
4. The Grey Rock Method is not a long-term strategy for dealing with toxic or abusive people.
The Grey Rock Method is predicated on the assumption that the interactions with the toxic person are brief and/or infrequent. It is not a long-term strategy for managing frequent communication with toxic people. There is no long-term management strategy for managing frequent communication with toxic people. Learning to control your reactions is an invaluable skill that can benefit you in many ways and in many situations for the rest of your life. It helps bring you peace. However, living or constantly interacting with a person who is trying to harm, upset and sabotage you does not do any of these things. Grey Rock should never be used as a tool to perpetuate a relationship with an abuser, especially because the abuser may choose to escalate their behavior when their usual methods of getting a reaction out of you are no longer successful. There is no way to have a safe, stable, healthy relationship with an unsafe, unstable, unhealthy person. This is a dangerous game to play, and it is one that could cost you and your family dearly.
5. The Grey Rock Method is not an alternative to going NO CONTACT or a way to perpetuate a relationship with an abuser.
Many times, people believe that using The Grey Rock Method will make the relationship with a narcissist or other toxic person bearable. It won't. Alternately, they may believe it's the same as - or similar to - going NO CONTACT with an abuser without having to do that. It isn't. It will help take your reaction-related stress levels down, but all of the narcissist's behaviors will still be there. They will still cause catastrophes and crises and create chaos because that is what this kind of person does. They can still do things that will cause problems in your life and they will. They will still spend money and not pay the bills, or wreck the car, or steal from you, or smear you to others, or lie to you, or cheat on you, or physically attack you and all of the things they've been doing the whole time. You learning to control your reactions will not change that, and you not reacting to your feelings about these things will not mitigate the very real problems they will continue to cause. Controlling your reactions will not un-wreck your car. It will not pay your rent. It does nothing to change another person's behavior and it isn't something that can be used to make the relationship work. A relationship with this kind of person cannot work because it's not a relationship. It's a parasitic, transactional association where one person takes while giving nothing healthy and the other gives while receiving nothing healthy. Grey Rock is sometimes a precursor to going NO CONTACT, but it is not an alternative to it. There is no healthy alternative to ending an abusive relationship.
Now that we know what Grey Rock isn't, what is it? Put very simply, The Grey Rock Method is controlling the reactions to your emotions. That's it. It sounds simple. It is simple, but "simple" doesn't always mean "easy." Mastering yourself in this way is one of the hardest things most people will ever learn to do. In many ways, it is our greatest challenge as human beings. But something being difficult is not a reason not to do it. There are many things that we must do even though they are difficult. Learning to do this is not about toxic people. It's not about repressing yourself or being inauthentic. It's about mastering yourself and your reactions so that you can fully stand in your power. When you learn to master your reactions to emotions, others lose the ability to manipulate you in this way. They can no longer control you through your emotions. You're not a robot, therefore others do not need to have the ability to control you by pushing those buttons. That is what Grey Rock is about.
There's no shortcut to this, and no easy way to do it. We have to sit with the discomfort of not reacting until we learn to let go of the ego narrative that we are required to do so. It's not as easy as it sounds but it's also not as difficult as it first feels like it is, either. The problem is not the emotions. The problem is the reaction to the emotions. Once we can truly understand that, it gets a little easier. The key is finding ways to be OK with not reacting. This requires mastering the ego and that is not an easy thing to do, because the ego screams to be acknowledged, even avenged. Controlling your reactions involves learning how to authentically soothe your ego without needing to behave in an unhealthy way to do so. Understanding that people's behavior is about them and not you can go a long toward helping you achieve that. Their behavior is a result of them reacting to their internal experiences, yours is a result of you doing the same thing and 'round and 'round it goes.
Exploring your triggers helps a lot, too. Examine your emotions and ask yourself, "Why am I reacting to this so strongly? What is it about this that is so upsetting?" The obvious answer is of course because it's something that is mean or hurtful. But people usually have unique things that upset or trigger them for a reason that is unique to them. See if you can figure out why this particular thing is so upsetting for you, and if there is a way you can address that within yourself.
You can also look at your actions for clues. For example, if you react to being upset with yelling, why are you yelling? What are you really trying to do? Are you trying to be heard? Do you feel that you're not being listened to? If so, does yelling change that? Does the "reaction action" you are engaging in solve the problem? Why is feeling unheard by this person or in this situation so upsetting to you that it is causing this kind of reaction? Through exploring these things, we can look at what is going on within ourselves, which makes understanding how to manage our reactions easier.
In the end, learning to control your reactions is a skill that will be invaluable to you in your life. You will see how much harder it is for someone to manipulate you when you can do this. Things become clearer and more peaceful, as well. It just takes practice. The truth is, you are in a war for mastery over yourself and your emotions. If you can be controlled and manipulated to react through your emotions, then other people can control you. It's up to you to decide who is going to win this: you or the narcissist.