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The Aging Narcissist

The Little Shaman is a spiritual coach & specialist in cluster B personality disorders, with a popular YouTube show and clients worldwide.

the-aging-narcissist

Age can be a funny thing when it comes to narcissism. There are some narcissistic people who seem to "age out" of many of their behaviors as they get older. You might see a change from the more hysterical or violent behaviors they displayed when they were younger. They are still narcissistic and their motivations or mindsets don't usually change, but sometimes the behaviors do. This is probably why some seem to "evolve" from overt to covert and things like that. It could be simply that the behavior has changed over time.

This may be because they are maturing, even if at a much, much slower pace than someone who is not narcissistic, and it may be because the people around them are less willing to tolerate these behaviors as time goes by. It is one thing to deal with a tantrum from somebody who is 25. It is another to deal with one from somebody who is 55. People are generally much more forgiving of these things when someone is young. As the person ages but their behavior stays the same, we often find that the people around them take a much harder view of it. And of course, the people who have been listening to these tantrums for 20 years are finally getting tired of it.

We also find that people are much more accepting of the narcissist's tales of woe when they are younger. If someone is 25 or even 30, it's possible that they've just been dealt a crummy hand for a little while and that's why they don't have themselves together. It's reasonable to look at their life and say, "Yes, I can see you went through a divorce or you lost your job or you had a bad childhood, etc. and that's why you're in the position that you're in." However, as the narcissistic person gets older, it becomes harder and harder to justify these things. When someone is over 40, it's not really reasonable to believe their problems now are because of things that happened 20 years ago - or longer. Whether this is true or not, the perception of those around them is going to be much less forgiving.

It's absolutely never too late to start over or change your life,, but pathologically narcissistic people do not really want to change anything. As they get older, it becomes easier and easier to see this. They are simply trotting out the same stories, excuses and conspiracies they've been using for the last however many decades to explain their lack of success in relationships, with jobs or in general. The scenery never changes and no matter how much help they are given by any number of people, the situation never gets better. People begin to realize that this is a person who not only does not actually want to change anything, but also a person who will not even do small things to make the situation better, and they start to question all of the narcissist's excuses and stories. They start to wonder who the problem really is here.

Narcissists that are able to change their narrative will often do so in these situations. The villain will often change and the behavior may change in some ways as well, but if you pay attention, you will see that the basic story never does. There is always a bad guy, or always a bad situation. There is always a reason that the narcissist cannot be the amazing person with the amazing life that they know they really are inside. Someone always ruins it for them. Someone always sabotages their plans. Something always messes things up. Alternately, they are always overcoming insurmountable odds and perilous oppression to be the impressive victor, or they are always the hero of the story somehow. They were either always the best or always the worst, somehow, some way.

The longer people know the pathologically narcissistic person, the clearer this becomes. People eventually realize that this person always has an excuse. They always have someone to blame. They always have an angle. It starts to become impossible to believe and eventually, no one does anymore. This is why narcissists often change groups of friends or partners regularly. As they get older, this can become harder to do. It can become harder to meet people and harder to manipulate or impress them as the narcissist gets older.

The average age of the people who will readily believe their stories of conspiracy and blame or their tales designed to impress has often gotten younger but the narcissist has gotten older. In some cases, it may no longer be appropriate or possible for them to be around people so much younger than they are, but people their own age may not be as receptive to their hard luck stories or heroic, self-aggrandizing narratives as those who are younger. They may not be as sympathetic or as easily-impressed as younger people might be.

And then there are the narcissistic people who are not able to evolve or change anything at all - no matter how small. They cannot change the narrative, they cannot evolve their behavior. They continue to behave the same way, no matter how old they get. Whether they are 15 or 25 or 55, the behavior remains the same. This happens because the more narcissistic someone is, the more rigid and inflexible their narcissism is. If it is inflexible enough, they may be actually unable to adapt their behavior to a new or changing situation, even if the behavior is completely detrimental to them or even ruining their life. For example, a narcissist who has nowhere left to go but cannot seem to stop behaving in a way that results in them ultimately being removed from the place they were living, despite being warned repeatedly and despite having nowhere else to go because of this same behavior.

After decades of this, some narcissists will learn coping mechanisms to deal with these situations, but others will not. Instead of learning different or more successful manipulation tactics, they simply keep trying the same ones over and over, even if they no longer work. For example, a narcissist that was able to manipulate or attract people with their looks may still attempt to use this method, even though it is no longer successful. Or one that was able to create sympathy in others because they were in frail health may still attempt to use this, even though they are no longer ill. A narcissist that had a claim to fame once upon a time may still attempt to impress people with this claim, even though it doesn't matter or isn't important anymore.

Aging can create a crisis in the lives of narcissistic people because they may find they are not able to use the same manipulations on people, or that these manipulations no longer work the way they once did. They may begin to panic because they don't know other ways to get what they need. As we discussed, some may learn new manipulations eventually but many do not. They are simply stuck in a cycle of the same behavior but without getting the same results. This can cause them increasing amounts of anxiety and stress, so instead of their behavior getting better, it can actually get worse as they get older and their strategies for getting what they need start to fail. If they are no longer strong or beautiful or impressive or able to garner sympathy, they feel powerless to get what they need and unable to come up with a new strategy.

One of the most stressful situations involving aging narcissists is when it is an elderly parent or caregiver. People may feel trapped into these situations and unable to refuse because there is nobody else to do it. Others may be guilted or pressured into doing it by the parent or other family members. This can be made worse by the fact that people who do not understand the situation may be very judgmental about someone's decision to cut off contact with family, particularly parents.

If you find yourself in this situation, remember that you are under no obligation to do anything for anybody that has treated you badly, is not respectful of you or your time, or who treats you badly. Period. If you choose to help them, that is your decision and don't forget that. You're not trapped and you don't have to do it. If they have no one else to take care of them, that's their responsibility. You may choose to take care of them because of this, and if you are choosing to do it out of the goodness of your heart, that's your decision and no one else's. One of the things that can make this more bearable is to remember that the way they behave is not personal. They were this way before you ever came along and it has nothing to do with you. This is a person who knows no other way to behave and who has the mindset of a child. They have no power except what other people give them. The only power they really even have is over the other person's emotions and that's if it is given it to them. They can't hurt you at all once you realize the truth of these things.

That's why learning to use the Grey Rock Method and the art of not reacting is so important. It puts you in charge of yourself, which is the one thing in the situation that you can control. You can't control other people but you can choose who you let in your life and how you let them affect you. And once again, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you choose to do it, know what you are choosing. This person is going to be the same person they've always been. If they've never been grateful, appreciative or considerate, they are not going to suddenly be that way now. If they've always been abusive and horrible, that's likely not going to change. Adjust your expectations to be realistic and learn not to take it personally. That is the only real way to manage the situation. And once again, it's your choice.

Comments

Unknowing Monster on November 21, 2019:

Yes, you can be born evil without realizing or choosing it. Dyslexia and NS traits can be controlled and eliminated, providing this behaviour is detected early and treated in one’s life. These disorders need to be detected in early childhood for the treatments to be effective not at the adult and senior stage of live. One how a professional therapist in the literature stated that he has NS traits When these traits become pronounced, he was able to keep these traits in check and not dominate him. By simply viewing the objective or thought differently while considering my disorders, changes the thought process and provide a very different rewarding and interpretation of my world. When dyslexia is allowed to be undiagnosed and untreated, childhood reading difficulties continue into adulthood. This dyslexic NS would have like to be informed of my disorders earlier instead of discovering them at 60 years of age. I believe that my dyslexia had a greater influence than my epigenes for the development of becoming a NS. I had no choice to be a dyslexic NS, as I never ask or desire to be one. You cannot ask or desire something you do not know exists, regardless of it being good or bad.

I will never see my loving daughter again from this mess, as she is studying in France. If I had managed my affairs properly, I would a position to provide financial support to her. My daughter has obtained all “A``s except one B+ for her BA in Political Science degree. Fathers are supposed to protect and provide for their children. I never ever wanted to hurt and destroy anyone. I do not enjoy seeing someone’s misfortunate and pain. You will never be able to understand the pain and feeling of hopelessness of a father who unknowingly has destroyed his daughter. I would give my life for her. I can just see tears and panic with my wife and daughter shortly because of me. No matter what direction or action, someone will get hurt. The inability to read and comprehend can prevent a child from reaching his or her potential as the child grows up. This challenge can have long-term educational, social and economic consequences. I have unknowing paid a high price for not receiving the proper treatment for my dyslexia at an early age; and my family has paid even a greater price. I have only three options now: 1) die homeless on the street, 2) die in prison or 3) take a long walk off of the short train bridge. I need to built the courage to chose one before my path of destruction increases more. Regardless of the choice I make, I will not be part of my daughter`s life when she needs me the most and my shameful legacy will also haunt me in the grave. Examples of the high price that I have paid are that I will never be able to walk my daughter down the aisle for her wedding or have the joy spending time with my grandchildren, but having the knowledge that I was the cause of her self-harming by unknowingly becoming something I detest. The regret of not being part of simple activities such as TNRV and socialization of feral felines with my daughter My daughter would have loved chasing the felines down and caring for them as their new mother. How do you explain to the ones that you love that they have no future because of mental disorders starting in grade one that was not recognised by you until two years ago? This is a very good case example where the offender will hurt more than the victim when once they realise and accept reality. My mind is in a continuous state of confusion and agony. Frustration and terror rules my mind at the thought. Such is the case for me.

I now wish I had never met my wife and had my daughter to avoid putting them though this bizarre and unreal situation. I have no doubts that an NS is dangerous, has no limits, and tells on the themselves. It is hard to hide a trial of destruction when it resembles a nuclear holocaust. Be glad that you are not the one who is destroying and wasting the lives of those you dearly love and feel the full horror from your actions. Not every dyslexic NS wants to be one, especially if it destroys family and friends, and may not realize they are one. A NS can be a vampire that sucks being bitten by the empathy vampire. One kind sole on another channel, she said is sorry for me, which indicates she understands that no one benefits from narcissism. It is not justification, sympathy or acquittal that I desire, but to provide you and the subscribers with insights from an unknowing dyslexic NS monster: the other side of the coin.

Since some subscribers requested the desire to view other case studies, The Little Shaman please feel free to make pod casts from the above information. If the subscribers want to be mad at somebody, they have my blessing towards the education system that fail preventing me by not properly treating my dyslexia and recognize the need to prevent others from a similar fate. The information provided is my first epiphany on my behaviours and contains what I believe to be true. I gain nothing by lying or stretching the truth, as it is too late for me change my behaviours. If you find my situation to bizarre to believe, you are not alone. I am on my second social worker who believes I can still enjoy a good life by setting new goals. I feel by Christmas at the very latest I will lose my freedom. Because I feel that I will spending my remaining days in prison, I do not wish to waste your time with an appointment. I would be lying if I said I was not scared of dying this unknown way and leaving my family a mess behind. I do process the will power to change my behaviour, but I have run out of time. During my epiphany, I determined that I was alcoholic and quit drinking immediately.Knowledge is required before action. As much as I would have like to be a subscriber, and I can wish success. Unless prayer is more powerful than I believe, this should be my last message to you.

Unknowing Monster on November 21, 2019:

I have just finished viewing `the interview with the narcissistic series`. Again, you have produced a very informative and interesting series on narcissism. I recognise your hard efforts to provide a balance view of narcissism for a better understanding to your scribers and survivors (offenders and victims). No one can be too happy if their smile provides them and others joy. The hardest part is not self awareness, but the realization you have become something that you detest. Especially when you realize that unknowingly your actions have hurt and destroyed lives of those you love and people around you. Not all damage you have caused by you to your victims can be corrected. Thus, the hurt and pain from narcissism may at times be greater for offender than the victim. With proper counselling and willingness, the victim can heal and go on to a better life. Once the offender realises what they are responsible for creating, they will remember it for the rest of their lives. If the narcissist does not realise the harm of their actions, they have robbed themselves of life and will take their reputation to the grave. The offender may not realise that they may have also eliminated future generations of their family. If the victim harbours hate for their abuser, then they are robbing themselves of time for healing and moving on for a better life.

I am surprised that The Little Shaman has not recognized or suggested in your posts that all narcissists and narcissistic social paths (NS) are not the same and are produced from the same process. After reading articles to learn the reasons for my disastrous past actions, I discovered, both I and my wife NSs. Until then I never knew that such a disorder even existed, let alone the effects on my thought and actions. You cannot hide from a disorder, avoid a disorder, change behaviour, realise the harm done by a disorder, be in denial, or be treated for a disorder, if you do not know that the disorder exists. This NS does take responsibility of this mess, as I should have understood my actions and those of my wife. The thought of ruining and losing my family and friends, produces a strong desire in me change my behaviour. The emotional and financial damage is done and cannot be corrected, as one cannot travel back in time. My interpretation and view of events were based on extreme impulsive thoughts and actions to achieve a goal, no matter how temporally. They were often illogical, illegal, and just plain stupid.

The belief that parents abuse their children because they were abused by their parents is not always true. My grandfather provided a very rough childhood for my dad, but he still loved him. My grandfather was a product of an orphan sent to be farm labourer from England to Canada at the age 11. My grandfather`s life was no picnic. My dad vowed to give his children a better life than he had as a child. Regrettably and to my shame, I did not do the same for my daughter by unknowingly becoming a narcissistic sociopath (NS). Despite both parents being narcissists, my daughter has become a very caring and loving person. She has done extremely well in her undergraduate program. Narcissists are not solely created by environmental factors, but may included genetics or a combination of both. In my case the narcissist traits were solely derived from genetic factors, as my parents provided me a very secure and loving environment. My parents did experience trauma during WW2. Trauma experienced by your ancestors including your parents effects the epigenes in a negative way. Epigenes control the expressions of your genes that were passed to you by your parents. I do have compassion and empathy for others. Never had the desire to harm animals. The narcissistic fuel for me was not solely from individual people, but from people and research projects together. Power was not determined by control, by conducting proper research that was thinly believed as correct my mind to be correct. Since I find the research community full of narcissists, I would fit un-noticed in the herd. My narcissistic traits centred around my ego, entitlement, grand noise concepts, and large self worth mixed with an unknown incorrectly wired brain.

If my NS personality traits are so extremely severe, and there is an industry out there to address these traits and disorder, then why was my disorder not detect earlier. Narcissism is not a new and infrequent condition. At the very least, my infrequent impulsive illogical thoughts and actions should have been noticed in grade school. My situation or mess is not series of infrequent incidents, but it covers most of my life as a trial of destruction. My older sister connected the dots for me. In grade one, I was diagnosed as being dyslexia, but never was told this information. I was told my spelling difficulties were the result of the method taught to me (sight and recognition instead of pronunciation). I believed that my thought process was circular instead of linear thinking, but in really it was a scramble mixture of thoughts for random topics. To me, circular thinking was the ability to handle different topics in the same conversion. My elementary teachers unknowing let lose a fatal destructive chain reaction to proceed over my life and in my mind. Dyslexia can be past to future generations and through genes and is the most common type of learning disability. Without the proper treatment of my dyslexia, my narcissistic behaviours became more intense. Some of the dyslexia signs are the following: attention deficiency hyperactive disorder (ADAD), problems with spelling and pronunciation of new words, difficulty with coordination in sports and physical activities, avoidance greater amount of time for completing reading and written assignments, incorrectly decoding information and instructions, desire for increased attention and recognition, increased miscommunication, and difficulties learning new languages, to a name a few. Narcissistic traits my emerge from the child who is not keeping up with others. Under the surface a caring and compassionate me existed, but my dark traits and behaviours dominated in an ever-increasing spiral downwards. This downward spiral intensified by not knowing the existence and the consequences of dyslexia and NS traits. NS may appear to be lazy, but it is the fear of awkwardness of conducting the task. Dyslexia is more than an inconvenience in once`s life, it can be fatal. Research studies have shown that structured literary readings result in the development of a neural network in the brain that is more typical of successful readers. Just as you can train and condition the mind to preform desired ways of thinking, the brain can be train and condition for incorrect ways of thinking; especially when dyslexia are not treated properly. The result is the narcissist does not realise they have received incorrect information and behaviours that normally would not be acceptable and logical for making decisions. Hopeful this information has explained to the subscriber how an NS can have widely different behaviors that are not consistent over time. A NS does not need to be scared or angry at the world, but just to believe the impulsive thoughts derived from an incorrectly wired brain to be as true. Some NSs do not intentionally targeted and harm individuals, since their brain sends incorrect messages for their actions. Not every NS base all of their decisions and rationalizing on emotions, but sometimes instead from incorrect interpretation of messages sent by their minds. The above information is not for justification for my NS actions, but an explanation of how some NS may develop and exhibit variability of NS behaviours. Eventually the NS will paint themselves into a no-win situation corner, where the paint never dries.

SECOND PART IN THE NEXT COMMENT BOX

Unknowing Monster on November 19, 2019:

After viewing some of your earlier posts, I can understand your pain and hate of narcissists. Io am not trying to you be annoying or taking advantage of you by asking two questions.

I can understand how my dyslexia lead me to become a narcissistic sociopath. Dyslexia, narcissistic traits, and the relationships between them have been known and information available for a long time, From the discussions such as in your posts, there appears no shortage of narcissist and victims. So why have I not been aware of these disorders until now, either by detection from others and /or by reading such material? Am I correct to assume there is more information and available treatments for abuse victims than for the abuse offenders? In my mind more awareness, discussion and education involving all parties to achieve a reduction people being hurt. If you are having difficulties understanding this bizarre, situation, you are not alone. I am on my second social worker who does not believe there is no future for me. I know you will not understand or agree that it is better to be a victim than an offender who realises the hurt and damage they done which cannot be corrected .Kim you do not have “blood on your hands”, as you are not been the cause of others being hurt and damage.. Once you understand the above discussion, you will realize the need for your services for all participates affected by narcissism. Unless the norms change for education and employment, narcissism will only increase in society. Sex education consisting of 5 lectures in grade 9 was better taught than mental health education that I had received. The classes were entertaining as comic relief, since my schoolmates (female and male) ended up teaching the subject to the teacher. A potential new post could cover the detection and prevention of narcissistic traits (including dyslexia) in children. Another post could cover suggestions to assist a co-operative narcissist to recover (may be far fewer than the commented ones). Up to you whether it is posted..

Unknowing Monster on November 18, 2019:

A narcissistic sociopath (NS) can be a vampire that sucks and robs the joy and life out of themselves and others. After reading articles to learn the reasons for my disastrous past actions, I discovered both I and my wife NSs. Until then I never knew that such a disorder even existed, let alone the effects on my thought and actions. You cannot hide from a disorder, avoid a disorder, change behaviour, or be treated for a disorder, if you do not know that the disorder exists. Part of my search lead me to discovering my elementary teachers had observed that I had dyslexia, but I was never told until recently. The dyslexia showed the classic symptoms of being distracted in the classroom and being frustrated by not interpreting information correctly; which leads to anger and narcissistic traits. My NS traits intensified over time because nothing kept it in check (did know of these disorders) and the behaviour was only re-enforced by past experiences (makings of a sociopath). With my mind not being wired correctly, I would not recognise my inappropriate and irrational thoughts and behaviours. Thank you, my elementary teachers for allowing a destructive chain reaction to proceed over my life in my mind. Not only has my life been wasted, but more importantly the lives of my wife and daughter. The thought of ruining and losing my family and friends, produces a strong desire in me change my behaviour. The emotional and financial damage is done and cannot be corrected, as one cannot travel back in time. It is too late to change and correct things at age 60, especially when one has done criminal acts that make no sense now. Yes, you can be born evil, without realizing it. I did not have a choice, as I never asked or desired to be dyslexia and a NS. My current options are 1) die on the streets homeless, 2) to die in jail or 3) take a short walk off the long rail road bridge. These present options are the reason why I have not subscribed to The Little Shaman, but I can add to discussions through Facebook. You will never be able to understand the pain and feeling of hopelessness of a father who unknowingly has destroyed his daughter. I would give my life for her. I can just see tears and panic with my wife and daughter shortly because of me. How do you explain to the ones that you love that they the have no future because of mental disorders starting in grade one which was not recognised by me until two years ago? ***Your husband may not make it if he runs out of time in his life to change his behaviours, but not too old enough to realize he has wasted his life: regardless whether he finds a younger partner. *** It should not take a Hollywood hit for required discussions and proper treatments of mental disorders to occur. Sadly, The Little Shaman may be correct that a major intendent may be required before change occurs. More education and awareness are needed to address these disorder problems instead of the blame game and the desire to strike back: avoid being bitten by the same empathy vampire. If only those elementary teachers had sought treatment for me. It is not sympathy, justification, or acquittal that I desire, but to provide you and your subscribers with some insights from an unknowing dyslexic NS monster.