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Stationary Bikes Taking us to Nowhere

Kenneth is a rural citizen of Hamilton, Ala., and has begun to observe life and certain things and people helping him to write about them.

The front wheel is useless.

The front wheel is useless.

I wish right now, that I had the wisdom to tell you what the less-sensible things in life really mean, but I cannot. I tried. A few years ago, I published (on this very website) about stationary bikes and the things that I thought about them. Well, since that piece was published, the stationary bikes are still around. Still allowing people who want to stay in shape to pump themselves silly and not going one solitary foot.

I would ask the general question: why? But someone might tell me. The people who understand such things. But the subject of stationary bikes causes me to think about what they really mean and what I would do to change them. Course, no one will bother to listen to me. That’s fine. I can live without knowing what such inventions mean to a lot of people.

I was talking about sincere, good people who are so dedicated that most of them have spent several hundred dollars to wear a watch-of-a-gizmo that tells the wearer his or her heartbeat, blood pressure, and when it is time to replace the air filter in their electric heating and air conditioning system. I mean no gruff words here, but when average folks wear these gizmo’s, something happens. Something so grand. The average person suddenly changes into an important person. A person who was formerly just a face in the crowd. Then one day they saw an ad somewhere and just had to have the gizmo thingee and there we are. I started to tell you this analogy about people changing when the first few minutes of The Incredible Hulk, on CBS in the 80’s, starring the now-late Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno. But I changed my mind. My first thought was sufficent.

See For Yourself if This Bike Goes Anywhere.

I cannot hold it any longer! I realize it would be so easy to tell a glamorous lie or two about how a person can stay on one of these bikes with one or two wheels and lose weight galore, but these thoughts are the truth. So if any of you are stationary bike riders and are offended by these honest remarks, well, I am sorry. But try and see it from my point of view---standing over here watching you sitting on your stationery bike looking glib and hoping that you look thinner when the ride is over.

Stationary bikes are multi-dimensional. They look good before people board them, but once the riders get on the seat and begin to pump the pedals, a subtle change begins to happen. Being subtle is how the Devil conned Eve in The Garden of Eden and we know how that went. So the point is the stationery bike can and will be subtle most of the times that they are used by people.

And honestly, I hope that everyone who boards these bikes will come away with many pounds shed. But know this. You will work and work hard to achieve that perfect weight. That is just why I have never wanted to “ride” a bike of this nature. I did love to ride my bicycles when I was a boy and although I had a wreck or two, at least I was going somewhere.

Not so with stationary bikes. They can sit. And sit a bit more. Not going anywhere at all. So why ride a stationary bike? A simple question and hopefully a simple answer that I have yet to hear. My other blistering question about stationery bikes is this : when the employees of the factories who build stationery bikes, are quick to install real bike wheels on the front of the back and sometimes on both the front and back-end. The latter makes the exercise machine even more senseless. The stationery bike is going absolutely NOWHERE! Please, get that in your minds! I had to. And when I did realize the needless wheels (that never turn) on a stationary bike, I cannot help but get more and more irate.

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To me, and I like to save money too, the technicians in the stationery bike plants could just hand the blueprints and show them to the designers and say, we can save a lot of money if we only leave off the real wheels. Is this too hard? Nope.

In fact, it would be more sense to just leave the real wheels off the stationary bikes and let the riders ride and ride and know going in that the bike will not take them to Yuma, Arizona. I have been in a gym or two over the years and I did see a few stationary bikes with people pumping the pedals and looking very peaceful.

Then I investigated and found out why. The stationary bike riders were all glued to those plasma TVs that the gym had installed high-up on each wall and the riders could ride and enjoy whatever TV show that they desired.

Still, I wish that just one of these riders would have jumped right up in front of all the people in the gym, and in the fashion of “Norma Rae,” that starred Sally Field, who helped to get a union in the textile plant, say . . .”Folks! These gizmo’s aren’t taking us anywhere! We could ease up to a nearby department store and buy a REAL bicycle!”

There again, there is one positive trait about stationery bikes. The wheels are like those on children’s tricycles. The wheels are pneumatic, hard, no tubes, and never wear out. So the owners of stationary bikes will never have to change tires for a flat or check the air before hitting the road.

Just a matter of semantics

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© 2022 Kenneth Avery

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